Lucas and Chloe's Daddy

Just came home from dinner... it's not the dinner that I want to 'talk' about.. it's the car ride home. On the way home in the car, Mark started a conversation about Chloe by saying that he missed her. He rarely does this because he knows it's treading on dangerous waters as this 'topic' is very sensitive and would make me sad/ depressed. He continued by telling me that other than me, only his sister knows how sad he really is about losing Chloe.

Most of the other people think that he is strong and is coping well with the pain of the loss. To be honest, only very few people have asked him how he felt and whether he's coping. I guess it's because society expects the man to be strong. He then told me to read the SMS exchange that he sent to his sister from the period 24 June 2009 to 26 June 2009. This is the period which I was in hospital and Chloe's fate was literally hanging by a thread.

These are some of the SMSes that Mark sent to his sister:

• 25 June 2009 - 'God has taken Lucas from us, I don't want him to take Chloe from us too.'
• 25 June 2009 - 'I see Shane lying on the bed and there is nothing I can do... Feeling so helpless waiting for fate to decide. I am very worried for her too.'
• 26 June 2009 - 'Shane delivered already. Baby is very perfect and cute. We spent some time together before they took Chloe to the mortuary.'

I cried silently all the way home... he does not deserve to go through this. I felt so sorry for Mark... While I know he is very sad about losing Chloe, I was focusing only on my own grief. That poor man had been grieving in his own way and had been suffering in silence. At the same time, he had to take care of me (mentally, physically and emotionally) during this period while trying to mask his own sadness.

Mark and I have been together as a couple for 11 and a half years. During this period, MANY (I actually lost count) of my friends have told me that I am very fortunate to have met and married him because he is so good to me, dotes on me and loves me so much. I have heard this from day one since our days in Australia when we started dating. He never fails to put me before himself and is willing to splurge on the most ridiculously expensive things for me just to make me happy, even for a brief moment.

During those days in Melbourne, he was willing to spend 70% of the monthly allowance that his dad sent to him on something impractical for me... usually a bag. How he managed to survive on the remaining 30% is still a mystery to me since he had to pay rent, phone bills, etc. There was one evening when I casually mentioned that I missed my Chanel 'Allure' perfume cos I left it back home in Singapore. He immediately went out to buy it without my knowledge, and I learnt from a friend that he ran all the way to the departmental store just to get it for me before it closed for the day. Another time he bought me this set of Forever Friends alphabet bears that spelt out 'I LOVE YOU'... I think that was one of the very first gifts from him. Sadly, I accidentally lost them away while we were moving house. I have been feeling guilty about it ever since.

I admit that I have always taken Mark for granted until I lost Lucas last year. It's like I suddenly realised how strong he really was mentally and emotionally, and how much I meant to him. It seemed like the experience suddenly made him 'grow up' overnight. I have seen a side of him that I have never known in our 10 years together. Again, it's a humbling experience to know that there is a person who loves me so much.

Till today, I still have friends telling me how fortunate I am to have Mark, in fact, my best friend and I just had this conversation not too long ago at the poolside one evening... and my answer has always been 'Yes, I know that'... I truly do.

That's also mainly the reason why I am so desperate/ determined to give him a child, cos I know other than being a great husband, he'd be a fantastic daddy. If there is one lesson that I learnt from the loss of my 2 angels, it is that their daddy is a wonderful man...I am very lucky to have met him on that faithful night while visiting friends at a hostel 11 and a half years ago and made him fall in love at first sight (or so he claims until this day).

If one day our marriage should break down for whatever reason/s, I know it's my loss. I also know that whichever girl that ends up with him will be so very fortunate... I know this for a fact cos I am speaking from experience.