I have been having a super bad day... week to be exact. I don't know what is wrong with me. I have a super short fuse and I feel oh so very emotional. The slightest thing makes me cry.. it can be an image, a song, or even a mere thought. The person at the brunt of my mood swings and my emotional outbursts is my poor long-suffering Mark, whom I reckon must be confused, bewildered and upset. Somehow, we have been arguing (it's more like me picking fights with him) over the slightest, tiniest things and for the past 3 nights, we have gone to sleep angry and annoyed with each other. This rarely happened in the past because I am a staunch believer of not going to bed with a argument unsettled.
I know it's my fault, but I don't know how to stop it from happening. I try and ask myself what's wrong, and I think I have found my answer. It's almost 2 months since losing Chloe, and the pain in my heart is just getting worse. If my waterbag didn't break, she'd still be safely cuddled inside me, and this would have been her 32nd week. In around 6-8 more weeks, she'd have been ready to see the world and be the most loved and spoiled little girl ever.
I have so much built-up resentment, disappointment and anger... mainly directed at myself for my failure to carry them to term. I cannot forget the look on Chloe's little face as I held her in my arms. That image will forever haunt me because she looked so perfect, so helpless and so innocent. My failure led to her death.. and her brother's too. Not many murderers out there kill their own kids.. I guess this makes me worse than a murderer??
Last Sunday, we found out that Mark's cousin had very recently given birth to a little boy. Lucas and Chloe have yet another cousin whom they'll never get to meet or play with. This little baby will never know of his other cousins who are in a place called 'heaven' because it'd be deemed a 'taboo' to mention. I sent his cousin a baby gift for her little boy... This is the THIRD baby gift I have sent out in the 2 months since losing Chloe and probably the nth one since losing Lucas. When will it be my turn to be at the receiving end of baby pressies?
Why is it that other people's babies were given the chance at life and my babies were not? Why are other people's babies able to snuggle and gurgle contentedly in their parents' arms while mine are in an entirely different place? Why?
I don't think Mark knows what's going through in my head and inside my heart. I think he, like all the rest, thinks that I am 'recovering'. I'm not... I am just getting better at acting. I know he misses them a lot too, but I do wish that he expresses it more, or that he can acknowledge my feelings more. I want to be able to cry whenever I want to and not try to hold back my tears and replace it with a fake smile plastered on my face.
I am so tired of trying to ACT normal... trying to ACT happy... trying to ACT like my heart is not broken. Acting can be so very tiring... but this is the expectation that people have of me, and I think it has been always in me that I will try to meet/ exceed other people's expectations. I think this time will be an exception because I simply cannot do it anymore. I just want to be weak and cry whenever I want to.
People tell me that I will feel 'better' as time passes.. but why is it that I am feeling worse with each passing day? How much more tears can I shed? How much further can my heart break?
No comments:
Post a Comment