What If... Supposing... If Only.... Imagine If...

In my perfect world, on this day - 26 Aug 2009, little Chloe would still be happily growing and developing in my belly. Today, she'll be 33 weeks in gestation and eagerly waiting for the moment where she'd be welcomed into this world in a couple of week's time. When that time comes, my baby will be safely and lovingly cocooned in her mummy's arms, totally doted upon and loved by her family and extended family, given all the nice material goods that money can buy, and given all the love and care that money cannot buy. If only I still had her...

Unfortunately, this is NOT a perfect world... Today, 26 Aug 2009, I have lost weight instead of gained weight, I have flattened belly and there isn't a baby in sight. During the early months when we still had Chloe, Mark and I had planned to decorate Chloe's nursery in Aug, in time for her arrival in October. Now, that room is left in it's original state. There is no baby cot.. no baby clothes.. no baby toys.. bascially there will be no baby this October.

Today marks the 2nd month since I have lost my princess... 26 June 2009 feels like it was only yesterday. All the pain, helplessness and anguish still seems so raw. I am still missing her so much. I really miss feeling her move inside my belly.. I only got to savour the feeling of feeling Chloe moving inside me for 3 precious weeks. It's a feeling that I'd never forget, to feel a life moving inside of you.. it felt ike a flutter of angel wings.. maybe it was the flutter of her angel wings that I felt.

Not forgetting my Lucas... In my perfect world, if only I had successfully carried him to term till early/mid Dec 08 (guess I'd never know the date that he was supposed to be born for sure), my firstborn would've been 8 months old now. At this age, he'd have been able to sit without support, stand holding onto furniture, crawl all over the place... Will he suck on his thumb like I did when I was young? Will he be able to feel my love for him in my kisses? Will he lie on my chest and feel the love in my heart? Will he look into my eyes and see how much I love him? If only I had my darling boy... I'd give up anything, even my own life, in exchange for his.

Unfortunately, the sad reality is that I have lost BOTH of them. It's now the Chinese Seventh Month i.e. Hungry Ghost Festival and I was told by elders that I have to go to a temple and give them my babies' names so that the temple can help them chant for reincarnation. I wasn't religious but I did that because I only want the best for them no matter where they are. I was supposed to love and protect them on Earth, but because I failed so miserably, I can only try and do my best to extend my love and 'protection' to this unknown place where they are at.

It breaks my heart so so so much every time I think of this... my Lucas and Chloe are supposed to be right here with their mummy... and NOT in a temple waiting for reincarnation. It's totally my fault that they are in this predicament... the ONLY thing that they did wrong was that they picked me as their mummy. If only they had picked another woman as their mom... they'd still be alive today.