Depression???

It's almost 2 months since I lost Chloe and as each day goes by, I find myself getting sadder and more depressed, though I am completely capable of acting normal in the presence of family and friends. I have uncontrollable mood swings and I break down in flood of tears at the snap of fingers... I feel like I don't know myself anymore. I'm even scared of myself cos I don't know what to expect.. and to be frank, I truly think I am capable of hurting myself when I am alone.

I have always always prided myself as a very logical person and I have always been a person who thinks with my head and never let emotions get the better of me. However, this time round, I don't know why but I just feel so so so tired. I have no motivation to do anything.. even my used to be favourite past time, i.e. shopping, is no longer fun and feels like such a hassle. I can't think logically anymore.

I think one of the last logical things that I did for myself is that I went searching for more information on depression (mainly on the symptoms) and here's what I found (in BLUE text and my response in GREEN).. I think I am thinking too much.. hopefully...

Are you clinically depressed?

If you identify with several of the following signs and symptoms, and they just won’t go away, you may be suffering from clinical depression.

• you can’t sleep or you sleep too much - I have been averaging 3 hours (or if I am very lucky around 4 hours) sleep per night for the past 3 weeks (no naps in the day). Is this considered ok?


• you can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult - not really.. I think... so what's the question again?


• you feel hopeless and helpless - yup.. absolutely can identify with this.. hopeless, helpless, pointless, meaningless, useless...


• you can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try - another resounding 'yes'. Let me cite some examples.. when I cross the road, I'd imagine how nice it'd be to be knocked down by a car/ bus/ whatever.. or when I am cutting up food, I'd consider how sweet it'd be to run the blade of the knife across my wrist.. or when I am at the top of the escalator coming down, I fantasize about how I can 'accidently' hurtle down from the top (though I have to make sure there isn't anyone in front of me). Then again, all these are just thoughts, I have not executed them up till now cos I am a coward.


• you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating - where's my appetite gone? Anyone seen it please return it back to me. I am perfectly happy if I don't have to eat for the whole day, though in the presence of company, I can make myself eat.


• you are much more irritable and short-tempered than usual - haha.. just verify this with Mark.. he can attest to it. He's the poor 'victim'.


• you have thoughts that life is not worth living (Seek help immediately if this is the case) - In the last 2 months, every time I wake up, I feel sorely disappointed that I did. I have totally no more aim in life (for now at least) and feel that it's all bleak and depressing...

Depression is a major risk factor for suicide. The deep despair and hopelessness that goes along with depression can make suicide feel like the only way to escape the pain.

Thoughts of death or suicide: A serious symptom of depression. A suicidal person may not ask for help, but that doesn't mean that help isn't wanted. Most people who are suicidal don't want to die — they just want to stop hurting. Take any suicidal talk or behavior seriously. It's not just a warning sign that the person is thinking about suicide: it's a cry for help.

OK, so do I have depression or not??