Envy...

I thought I would be able to handle it better... the keyword here is 'thought'. Well, apparently not and I am pissing myself off big time. I went into the office today to collect a contract and also run some errands (i.e. buy Hershey's food)... While in the office, I was walking over to another colleague's desk when I saw a consultant who work in one of my teams. She's pregnant.

I do know all these while that she is pregnant, but I guess since I have not been in the office for a while, I was surprised to see her burgeoning tummy. She must be around 5 or 6 months along now... Anway it stopped me in my tracks. I did a U-turn and immediately retraced my steps back to the safe cocoon of my office. I still can recall that she had invited me to her wedding some 2 years back... **Sigh** I got married way before her and look, here she is, soon to be a mom, and there I am, empty-handed.

I know that 'envy' is one of the seven deadly sins, but I really cannot help myself from being so green with envy at another woman's good fortune. I am sure this won't be the last time I become consumed by the green eyed monster too.

Separation Anxiety

The weekend came and went... too fast in fact. After all the long holidays over Christmas and New Year, I have suddenly felt a familiar feeling that has come back to haunt me after so many years.

When I was young (maybe like 5 years old), my younger sister and I were sent to a relative's house while both my parents were at work. It's not that the relative ill-treated me or anything, but I can still very clearly recall how much I dread going there. I'd usually start crying on the way over to her place. I just didn't like being away from my parents and being left in a place that isn't my home.

My sister didn't mind it very much as she was a lot younger and didn't really know what was happening. I didn't like going there because it was a stressful environment (at least for me)... there are too many people living there (I still don't like crowds), I don't like most of those people (even until now), and I felt that they talked too loudly (I have a low threshold for loud noise even until today). For a 5 year old kid, I sure was picky... LOL! Anyway, when my parents sent me there, I'd brawl my eyes out and cling on to my dad's leg (like what a pole dancer would do... maybe I am closet pole dancer??) and it'd take at least 2 adults to pry my little fingers and pull me away from my dad.

The same thing happened during my first 3 weeks at kindergarten... Instead of taking me directly to class, my dad would take me directly to the principal's office where there'll be 2 teachers on 'standby'. By then I will have a viselike grip on one of my dad's leg and the teachers will try to pry my fingers/ arms away while I was kicking and screaming so that my poor dad can have his leg back. They will then coax me back into class and as you'd expect, I was late for class everyday. What can I say, I am a Drama Queen even at that young age!! This is a family joke and my parents/ relatives always have a very good laugh whenever someone (usually my mom) brings it up.

I don't think any of the adults realized it then, including my poor parents who were pulling their hair out.. but looking back at it now, I think I have separation anxiety even at that young age. And because no one recognised it, I am left with the 'scars' of those episodes that I also brought with me into adulthood.

This brings me back to what I want to say... every Monday (actually Sunday evening to be precise), I will feel that familiar sense of dread and forlorness... as if I was being 'abandoned'. It feels exactly the same like all those years ago. Of cos now that I am old enough to rationalize, I won't kick up a fuss and hang onto Mark's leg when he leaves the house. But that feeling is definitely the same. I hate it when Mark has to leave me to go to work or business trips, and it's worse especially after we have spent a lot of time in each other's company, like over the long weekends or if we have gone for a vacation.

I only noticed this in the last 3 months, and I wonder if it has got anything to do with me losing Chloe and/or my subsequent depression. Possibly after losing Chloe, I subconsciously clung onto Mark for emotional/ mental support and somehow have become overly-dependent on him. I guess this isn't a 'problem' per se, but just makes me wonder what other 'hidden issues' I have that needs to be addressed. This would probably make a good topic for discussion during my next appointment with my psychiatrist. Might turn out to be pretty interesting...

I am pretty sure Huskee has separation anxiety too. His modus operandi is to bark the house down and pee all over the house whenever he's left alone on his own. He must've picked it up from my behaviour somehow since he is so connected to me... good thing I didn't adopt his habits.

'Be careful'

I was over at my parent's place last week and as I was leaving to go home, they did the usual thing, i.e. dad will open the door and gate for me and mom will be carrying Huskee. They will then stand at the doorway and wait together with me until the lift is here before they go back in. As I was on my way out of the door, mom reminded me to 'be careful' (cos there are some major renovation/ upgrading works going on with the lifts, lift lobbies and common areas).

This simple 'be careful' evoked a lot of memories... When I was expecting Chloe, mom used to say (or nag?) this to me a lot, especially when I was visiting them because the renovations had already started in early 2009. It made total sense then cos I had a precious bounty growing inside my tummy. Damn.. can't believe the upgrading works is taking so long... it even outlasted my pregnancy.

I wanted to reply to mom that there is no need for me to 'be careful' now cos I have nothing to protect inside me... my tummy is empty. So even if I do fall, the only thing that's gonna hurt is my ample bottom (which'd probably cushion my fall anyway). But I just responded 'ok' and walked into the lift. Again, I can't help but be reminded that I have short-changed my parents of their grandchildren.

New Year's Day 2010

Here are some of the photos that were taken during the barbeque on New Year's Day. Looking back at the photos make me want to organise another barbeque (again!). I think Mark will freak out when he reads this **hint**. Don't know exactly why, but I simply love the relaxing atmosphere of barbeques and don't mind doing them again (and again)... it also doesn't hurt that I really like barbequed food too!! When you have the right group of people, it is nice how everyone will gather together to chat over the smouldering embers of the grill and do silly stuff (like pouring beer over the meat to 'season' it). Everyone is just chilling out and the mood is relax.

I also have photos of me carrying Amanda (who was blissfully unaware of her surrondings and fast asleep throughout most part of the evening/ night). I honestly never thought I'd ever have the courage to hold a baby so soon after losing Chloe, and I really have Ashley (Amanda's mummy) to thank for giving me this opportunity to take this 'first step'. I hope there'll be more chances to hold Amanda, watch her grow up and be a part of her life.

Baby Chloe

The name of this shop made me stop dead in my tracks. I stood in front of the shop window for a long time and simply stared blankly. Oh and it was a shop selling baby and children's clothings no less.

I really miss my Baby Chloe, so much that it hurts so bad.

Acupuncture Session #3

Went for my third acupuncture session and this time it did hurt a fair bit. Not sure if it is because more needles were used... I am pretty amazed with myself because I used to be terrified of needs and would be sleepless the night before any major check-up due to the fear of needles. After going through 2 miscarriages and the range of tests, I have somewhat gotten 'immune' to it... Sure, of course it still hurts, but it's mind over matter now.

However, I did also learn through experience that physical pain is nowhere compared to the pain in the heart, so it's no big deal really. Moreover, the acupuncture only last 20 minutes... I am still taking the funky tasting medicine daily and so far, I am doing it with gusto. Something that tastes that awful MUST be good right??

When Can I Have My Correct Change Back?

I was chatting with my aunty yesterday when I visited my uncle in hospital (he was admitted back in for low blood pressure) and my aunty casually mentioned to me that my mom's been pretty bored at home with not much things to do after her retirement in July. I felt soooooo guilty when I heard this because the ONLY reason why my mom decided to retire was because per our original plans, she'd take a 'break' for 3 months after she retires in July, and when October comes, she'd help me with Chloe once she's born and also look after me during my confinement period. My mom will then continue to take care of Chloe after I finish my maternity leave and go back to work.

My mom had been in the workforce for the past 35 odd years, and she always likes to keep herself busy. Now that she is at home everyday and there is no grandchild for her to care for, she has been bored stiff. I guess the 'grandson' she is looking after now is my little Huskee, and she had also been trying to keep herself busy by sewing a new bed for her 'granddaughter' Hershey.

If only I didn't miscarry, my mom would have been happily (and busily) looking after grandchild. Chloe would have brought so much joy into her grandparents' lives... she would have brought so much laughter into our family... she'd be the gem in her grandparents' eyes. I just feel like I have not only short-changed my husband, I have also short-changed my parents... And at the end of it all, I feel like I have been short-changed by God.

I received a work-related call early this morning from a supplier, and the first thing she asked me was if I was working today. Told her that I am actually on leave and her immediate reply was 'Oh, did you take the day off to send your kids to school?'. I felt that it was so presumptuous of this person to assume that I have kids... and how would she even know if I'm married??

Anyway, it kind of spoilt my day somehow... I finished the conversation with a bad taste in my mouth and ended up in a sourly mood. I wish I had kids that I can bring to school. I wish the reason why I had taken leave today is because it is the first day of school and I am sending my kids there.

I saw this pic on a friend's blog which I absolutely adore. It is a pic of her baby's hands and her doggie's paw. It is a very simple photo, but speaks volumes (at least to me). It is a scene that I desperately long to see in MY home... hopefully it will happen soon.

First Post of 2010...

New Year's Eve came and went... spent the countdown at a friend's house and toasted to the end of 2009 and the begining of 2010 with a glass of wine. Went home in the wee hours, showered and dozed off watching 'Runaway Bride'.

We had a group of friends over at our place for BBQ dinner on New Year's Day and it was great fun... Mark pulled a weird stunt on a friend and the poor bloke ended up with beer pouring in (or out??) of his nostrils. I also invited Amanda and her family over as I wanted Mark to meet them. The highlight of the day for me was that I carried Amanda and rocked her to sleep! I think I really need to exercise more cos I ended up with achy arms the next day... Little Amanda is such a sweetie, I wish I could have held her forever. When I was holding her and rocking her to sleep, I wondered if it was how Chloe would have felt like... would Chloe also have the same baby scent?

According to Amanda's mummy, there is an old wive's belief that for people who want to conceive, holding a newborn baby will bring baby dust, hence she had me hold onto Amanda for quite a while. I sure hope it works!! This is the first time I have held another baby in my arms since 26 June 2009, where I held Chloe for the first and also the last time. I had a lot of emotions inside me at that time... the one that was most acute and obvious was a sense of longing, followed by a sense of loss.

2010... I wonder what the new year will bring.