Mummy's Christmas Pressie

Mark gave me a pair of 3 inch high silver heels for Christmas... I had tried them on previously and casually commented that they made me feel like I am Cinderella. I balked when I saw the price (S$880!!!) cos it was astronomical for something you wear on your feet and step on. I never expected him to buy it for me because I didn't think he'd been paying attention when I tried it on last time.

Anyway, he tricked me into the shop and once I stepped in, a the sales assistant looked as though he recognised me and brought out this pair of shoes and offered them to me to try on. I was surprised, puzzled and all confused when it dawned on me that Mark had gone in there earlier on and roped the sales assistant into his crazy plan. They needed to get me to try on the shoes for the correct size!! I would have stopped this crazy purchase but it was too late as it'd already been paid for.

Nosey parker Hershey checking out the shoes...

This is just how sweet Mark can be... he'll buy me anything that I like. He could've spent the money on himself and bought me something less expensive, but he didn't (though I'd much rather we saved up the money instead). This has always been the way since we first started dating... he'd spend most of his allowance buying me stuff.

And what did I get for him? I got him one Calvin Klein business shirt and 2 Nike Manchester United T-shirts (it's kinda obvious who is the spendthrift and who the stingy one is in our marriage!!!). Hopefully for next year's Christmas, I can present him with our own bundle of joy... That will be a priceless gift; the ONLY gift that I would really like to give to him and the ONLY one that he rightfully deserves.

Merry Christmas to My Angels... --- Part III

This is the Christmas card that Mark and I got for Lucas and Chloe... Mark chose the card because he liked the boy and girl cartoon characters on the card. It's not something that I'd have chosen, but I really like it when Mark gets involved in picking out something for them...

We got this figurine for Chloe to commemorate her first Christmas... Lucas has his own teddy for his first Christmas last year. I hope for the next Christmas, the figurine that I'd be getting will be for a live, healthy baby.

Merry Christmas to My Angels... --- Part II

These are Lucas and Chloe's Christmas stockings from the Tatty Teddy range. I love them and hope they like them too...

It is Christmas Day and also a really pathetic day for us. Mark and I had nothing much planned for today and we ended up skulking around the malls. Not that we minded anyway cos neither of us is in the socializing mood. The malls are still very packed due to all the sales going on and people are still in the hyper buying mood. As we sat down for coffee (for Mark) and dessert (mud pie for ME!!), a song from eons ago popped into my mind... Surprisingly, I could remember most of the lyrics but not title or the singer (sorry, Jason Donovan). Thank goodness for Google!! Geez... that song was released in 1989!! I was only 12 years old... haahaa...

*** When You Come Back To Me ***

So many people

Smile on their faces

Armful of presents

Going to places
There’s a chill in the air

as I walk through the night

How I wish I could walk

through the windows of time

Would I see happiness there

see your face everywhere

But the lights all go down

over London town

There’s a glow in my heart

even though we’re apart

‘cause I know, yes, I know

it’s just a matter of time

I’m missing your love

until you come back to me

I’m counting the hours

until you return

There’s a flame in my heart

and when you come back to me

oh, how the fire will burn

Sit by the fire

and try to remember

It won’t be long ‘til

we’re back together

But we’re oceans apart

and nothing that I can do

will speed the passing of time

or bring me closer to you

And I keep thinking of you

and it keeps pulling me through

like the songs that you sing

when you’re lonely

but there’s a glow in my heart

even though we’re apart

‘cause I know,

yes, I know

it’s just a matter of time

I’m missing your love

until you come back to me

I’m counting the hoursuntil you return

There’s a flame in my heart

and when you come back to me

oh, how the fire will burn

When I am back together with my babies, oh how the fire in my heart will burn...

Merry Christmas to My Angels... --- Part I

What is Christmas?

It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future.

It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal, and that every path may lead to peace.


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To Mummy's 2 Angels in Heaven,

MERRY CHRISTMAS to you, my darling sweethearts.

* Lucas, this would have been your 2nd Christmas if we hadn't lost you. It'd have been a real joy watching you tear into your presents this morning and looking at you play with them gleefully.

** Chloe, this would have been your very 1st Christmas... I'd have loved to dress you up in a cute outfit with the words 'Baby's First Christmas' and looking at you sleeping soundly in my arms.

My heart had been aching last Christmas, it is aching this Christmas and possibly for all the other ones that follow because you are not here with me. Can't even put into words how deeply I love you and how much I am missing you, but I hope deep in your little hearts, you know that you are being loved deeply by your Mummy and Daddy.

With all my love,

Mummy

All Babies Go To Heaven When They Pass Over...

I have been exchanging emails with the friend whom I mentioned in my previous post, i.e. the one who recently miscarried. She is a staunch Christian and out of the blue, she told me in her email that 'All babies go to Heaven when they pass over'. Don't know why, but I cried after reading this... I have always been wondering about this, i.e. What happens to babies when they die? Do they simply vanish without a trace? Somehow I think God sent me the message through this friend that my babies are safe in Heaven. I feel a that a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

My friend also told me that she thinks I am an 'angel' sent by God to comfort her in her time of need, instead, I feel that she is the angel sent by God to pass me this message, especially at a time when I am feeling very really low and moody.

** Dear Lucas and Chloe, Please take care of this new angel in Heaven until he/she is reunited with his/her mommy... Today is Christmas Eve, and how I wish you are here with me. **

W.H.Y

Last evening, I received an email from a friend whom I got to know through work. We met sometime last month to discuss work and also catch up for a drink, and while chatting, we started talking about our personal lives. I told her about my miscarriages because I 'disappeared' from work for a good 3 months after I lost Chloe, and I felt that I had nothing to be ashamed about or to hide. She then shared with me that she'd been trying to conceive for a while and would be seeing a TCM doc the following day. She kindly shared with me the TCM contact cos it is very near to where I live.

In the email she sent me last evening, she told me she found out she was pregnant a day after her wedding anniversary, but she miscarried last Friday... just 8 days after finding out the good news. The poor girl is still trying to come to terms with the loss and I felt truly sorry for her that I had to stop myself from crying (I was visiting uncle in the hospital).

Then while I was waiting for Mark to pick me up from the hospital, I was browsing through the Chinese newspapers and came across this article where this 19 year old girl gave birth to a baby boy last year with her 24 year old boyfriend, and she gave the baby up for adoption because the boyfriend didn't want to marry her or take responsibility of the baby. This year, she got back with that same man and he got her pregnant yet again (geez, she must be really fertile... and may I say, stupid). She delivered the 2nd baby boy last month and is contemplating whether she'd be keeping him.

WHY is life so unfair?? WHY is it that people who do not want their babies get them so easily??? WHY is it that people who really want a baby have to go thorugh so much heartache and pain? WHY??!

Presents for Amanda

These are the presents that I got for Amanda... I will be meeting her/ her mom soon to pass her the presents, as well as visit Amanda for the very first time. I am looking forward to meet my god-daughter in person, but I am also a bit worried about how it may make me feel due to her 'special significance'. Amanda and Chloe were 'friends' while they were still in their respective mom's tummies, and that their due dates are so close... Chloe would have been a few weeks older than Amanda...

How I wish I will be taking Chloe with me to see Amanda instead of just me going alone.

How I wish I will be carrying Chloe in my arms instead of a load of presents.

The weekend was hectic... have been making trips to visit my uncle in hospital on a daily basis, hence didn't have the time to blog. Uncle is now out from ICU but would be some time before he can even think of going home. Guess someone is spending Christmas in hospital... At least he can now eat and talk and in his case, I think he is so so so lucky to still be alive. A nurse I spoke with said she got shivers down her spine when she read his case file on how he was hit and then dragged for a distance by the forklift. **shudders**.

This incident really brings to mind how fragile life is... anything can happen to anyone at anytime. It makes me love and treasure the people whom I care about even more, and makes me love myself even lesser. Can't help but think why I am still here.

More Bad News for 2009...

Today started off pretty normally enough... but little did I expect that I'd be going to the same hospital twice. The first was for my appointment with the psychiatrist, and in the early evening, mom called to tell me the bad news that my uncle (her brother) had been involved in an accident at his workplace. He was knocked down by a forklift (don't know how) and is in a critical condition now after undergoing surgery to his aorta.

Other than the aorta, he also suffered from numerous fractures and God knows what else... the doc mentioned something about bleeding in the lung vessels. Hopefully there won't be any complications from the surgery and the other problems aren't critical. They have given him heavy sedation and morphine drips, so hopefully he isn't in too much pain. Mom and Aunty Esther are spending the night there to make sure that he is doing ok and I will go there first thing tomorrow morning.

Is this year ending yet??? So far it has proven to be nothing but the pits...

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Dearest Lucas and Chloe --- Please look after your Granduncle and see to it that he is safe & well, and will recover from this freak accident soon.

Mummy and Daddy are sending you truckloads of kisses and hugs... We are missing you like crazy.

A friend alerted me to the fact that suicide rates often go up during the year end holiday season... Good to know that I am not exactly alone in how I am feeling, even though it may be the minority group. I have asked myself what exactly is bothering me, and it took me a few days to finally find the answer/s.

• This is my 2nd Christmas without Lucas, and the 1st without Chloe. How many more sad Christmases do I have to endure?
• As the current year is drawing to an end, it makes me think of what I have lost, what I have NOT achieved and how my life had been changed (in a negative way) in the past 2 years.
• The brand new year is just a fortnight away, and I will step into 2010 with trepidition. What will the new year bring? Will it be better than 2008 and 2009? Will I finally be able to bring home a healthy, brawling baby? Will Mark and I still love and care for each other as much as we do today?

I am kind of glad that tomorrow, I have a follow-up appointment with the psychiatrist. It's been almost 6 weeks since I last saw her, and had initially planned to cancel the appointment as I thought I was improving and have somewhat regained control of my thoughts. But after how I had been feeling for the past week, I think I'd better stick to it (**sigh**)... Another trip back to the hospital.

Last night, I met Mark for dinner nearby his new workplace as I had a craving for meatballs and I also wanted to replenish the tealight candles at home. Who should we bump into as we were leaving the place? Dr T!!! Mark noticed him first and turned around to tell me. Good thing he didn't say 'Hey darling, it's your heartthrob!'. We didn't have the chance to stop for a chat with Dr T although I did wave and said 'hi'. My heart was thumping like mad and it happened too quickly so I was caught by surprise. LOL! I wish we had chatted... I would have wished him 'Merry Christmas' or something... alas...

Anyway, yours truly had a wide grin all the way home... (with Mark giving me poisonous sidelong glances). Reckon I need to speak to the psychiatrist about this too??