This photo was taken at Mark's company D&D last Thursday (before they played Chloe's song and before I started crying).

Saturday is finally here (and almost over as I type this out), but because we have both been so busy earlier this week, there is a lot of housework that needs to be done. I've got to cook Hershey's food for the next 3 days as well as our dinner. Decided to stay eat in cos both Mark and I are not feeling well... suppose it's the flu bug. My bones are aching and my throat is hurting like mad. Drats!! What a way to spend the weekend.

Hello Princess...

For once, I know the true meaning of TGIF. Ever since Monday, all my days have been filled with meetings and entertaining from 8am to 11pm. It has worn me out both mentally and physically, and I am looking forward to the weekend to do some retail therapy and to spend time with my dear husband, who's been keeping late nights with me this whole week and chauffering me around.

Last night Mark's company had their annual D&D and although I'd much prefer to stay at home and have an early night, I agreed to accompany him because that's the least I could do for him. Moreover Mark has only been with this company for slightly over a month and they have asked him to be the emcee, so I thought I should be there to give him some moral support.

The food was delicious, the people were friendly, the place was nice and the band was good... I did enjoy myself. Just as we were preparing to leave, a few of Mark's colleagues came over and chatted with him, and at this time, the band started playing Chloe's song. Mark turned around and gave me an incredulous look... Yup, of all songs they had to pick 'that' one, and if we hadn't been delayed, we'd already have left and missed it. Mark told me that it is all predestined and it was his princess letting him know that she was there with us last night.

The walls started closing in and the air got so stuffy... I couldn't breathe and I cannot control my tears no matter how hard I tried... Oh God, I miss her so much that the pain is excruciating.

If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then
Til I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love, Me.

I didn't get a chance to blog at all over the weekend because I simply didn't have the chance to!! I meant to get a bit of household chores done on Saturday, but I (AGAIN) woke up with a slight headache which progressed as the day went by. By nightfall, it was full blown throbbing. Nevertheless, we spent some time with Mark's parents and nephew and took them out to dinner. By the time we reached home, all I had strength to do was to lie down.

Sunday was even more hectic.. in the morning we took Hershey to the park for her playdate with Chow Chow and then came back to complete the list of household chores that were supposed to be done the day before. If I still don't iron Mark's shirts, he won't have anything to wear to work this week. Ironed hard for over 3 hours and then prepared Hershey's food for this week because I will be extremely busy with work and entertaining until Thursday.

While we were at the park yesterday, Amanda started fretting in her stroller and I offered to carry her (apparently most babies sleep better if they are being carried...). She's growing up right before my eyes because everytime I see her, she looks different and bigger. She also has such beautiful long lashes and a cute rosebud mouth. It makes me wonder what Chloe would have looked like now, how she'd smell like and what will her character be like. Will she be a fiesty one or a mellow little princess?

Oh yes, and last Friday morning I went to see another doctor to ask for a 2nd opinion on the tests and results that I have done so far. This doc is pretty senior at another local hospital and he is an uncle of a friend who recommended me to him. He said that the tests that were done were pretty comprehensive and he can see nothing 'abnormal' with me. He thinks that the symptoms of my miscarriages pinpointed only to one cause - infection.

So far he is the ONLY doctor who can confidently tell me that I will not have a problem with my next pregnancy if I am being closely monitored and give antibiotics throughout the 40 weeks. I have googled him before I made the appointment to see him, and true to the feedback that I have read online, he really gave me a sense of assurance and confidence. He also asked about my job and stress level, and I honestly told him that my job will get pretty stressful in the months ahead, to which he shook his head. (Hmmm... maybe if I do get pregnant, I need to consider quitting my job?) That was what Amanda's mummy did when she found out she was pregnant with Amanda...

Anyway, seeing this other doctor gave me the 'booster shot' I needed for my confidence level. Somehow I think the 2 hours that I spent waiting to see him was well worth it. If I do get pregnant, I think I will go back to him although it'd cost a lot more.

No... time... to... blog...

Geez, the past 3 days have been nothing short of a nightmare. Isn't it great, I have nightmares when I am asleep, and I also have nightmares when I am awake!

Work has been C.R.A.Z.Y as I had anticipated... next week should be worse, but hopefully peace will reign soon.

More to update tomorrow...

Yet another set of Proud Parents, but it isn't us (again)

Babies are popping out everywhere... seems like everyone is having a baby except me. To others, getting pregnant and having a baby is a fun, enjoyable, rewarding and fruitful journey... For me, it is a journey filled with sadness, heartache, tears and painful loss. I simply cannot understand why this path had been made so difficult for me. Hello, what is it that I have done wrong?? I am sorry ok??

One of our friends from our Uni days in Melbourne became the proud daddy of a baby girl a few days back. His baby is so adorable, like most babies are. It's so amazing how a baby can take on the features of both parents and become a 'unique' individual... I find that so utterly mind-blowing. I can still remember Mark and I attended this friend's wedding 3 years ago. How come everyone who got married after us have now become parents and Mark and I are still childless? I can assure you that it certainly wasn't due to the lack of trying on our part.

I wonder how the next few months will be like for me... just received the good (??) news that we have retained one of my clients that went out to bid last year. On one hand, I am happy that I still have a job and the revenue that this client will bring to the company is substantial, but on the other hand, I am apprehensive of the massive amount of work that is to be done in the next 6 months or more. Hopefully business trips will be kept to a bare minimum too... How very ironic that I am in the corporate travel industry but yet I hate travelling for business so much!

More importantly, I hope the extra work and stress will not have any adverse impact on my conception plans. Right now, nothing matters to me more than my baby quest, and anything else will just play second fiddle to it.

Last night Mark and I were lying in bed watching my favourite show. It's a 1 hour program where 2 local actors and a group of volunteers spruce up a needy family's home and help them improve their life... These families that appear on the program may need help from others due to various factors, not simply financially. All the stories are real life stories and all the previous episodes never failed to touch me. I guess one of the reasons why I am so 'addicted' to it is because it serves as a reminder to me that despite all the pain and misfortune that I have undergone, there are a lot more people out there who have been through worse.

Last night's episode was about a deaf/ mute couple with a daughter and an adorable 3 year old son. They could barely take care of themselves because of their inability to communicate with the society, hence they cannot hold any job for long. The boy however, is born normal, but because his parents cannot speak to him, his verbal skills are sadly lagging behind as he can only comminicate in the only way his parents know, i.e. sign language. The parents also cannot afford to send him to school because of their limited finances. Their daughter was given to someone else to care for and does not live with them.

As the show progressed, I could sense that Mark was becoming quiet and sullen. I didn't have to ask him to find out what was bothering him because I am thinking of the same thing that he is thinking of. Why is life so unfair?? Why is this couple, who is struggling so hard to take care of themselves and even their basic day to day needs, blessed with 2 kids that they can barely afford to raise? I'd like to think that Mark and I are stable financially enough, and we have a good foundation and solid marriage to raise a child (maybe even two), but yet we are facing so much problems on the road to parenthood.

Our tears began to fall as we rage internally and helplessly against what life had thrown at us, again and again. Is this some kind of cruel joke that the 'Higher Powers' are playing on us mere mortals? Are we all pawns in someone else's hands? If it is a joke, I am finding it tasteless and so not funny at all.

Proud Mummy

After learning about my friend's dog's death last week, Mark and I vowed to spend more time with Hershey cos we both felt that we have somewhat neglected her in the last 6 months after we lost Chloe. I guess we were too preoccupied with our loss and the subsequent grieving process that we did not pay her as much attention as we previously did. We have also not taken her to the doggie park for a really long time. This was something that we used to do a lot last time, and it was also one of the last activities that we did together with Chloe.

Mark still has a video of me with my buldging tummy walking (waddling??) in the park with Hershey... and I can still remember how I sat in the car on the way to the park with Hershey trampling over me in her puppy eagerness. I used to say to Hershey that she is causing 'turbulence' to Chloe and when Chloe is big enough, she will seek 'revenge' on Hershey. Those are certainly treasured memories of our short time with Chloe.

We took Hershey to the park early Sunday morning cos she had a play-date with Chow Chow, Amanda's 'brother'. Cute little Amanda was lying in her stroller enjoying the breeze and basking in the attention of some of the other doggies' owners. Overall it was a great morning because Hershey made me so proud of her (for once!!). She obeyed every command and was so well-behaved during the 2 hours we were there. Someone even asked me whom we sent her to for her training! LOL... she didn't have any professional training at all. Mark and I trained her ourselves! Another lady commented on her glossy coat and asked me what I did... I guess it could be the salmon oil. Ahhh... Hershey made me feel like a proud mother!

The only regret I had was that like Amanda's mommy who was pushing Amanda's stroller, I should also have been pushing Chloe along in her own stroller. On top of watching Chow Chow and Hershey play together, it'd have been very nice to also watch Amanda and Chloe play together. I am sure Chloe would have made me a very proud mummy too...

Daddy Dreamt of his Angels...

This morning, Mark told me that he dreamt of Lucas and Chloe, however he cannot recall any details as to what the dream was about. Basically he can only remember that he dreamt of them... I am sooooo jealous and envious cos I never dream of them, ever. The only kind of dreams that seem to plague me are nightmares. I am either running away from something/ someone, trying to hide from the something/ someone or falling into some never ending abyss. Kinda pathetic huh...

I wonder when will be my turn to dream of my Angels...

Rainbow Bridge

H.E.A.D.A.C.H.E strikes again... Seems like the migraines are back to 'visit' me all too frequently. I am holding off taking any pain killers cos I am trying to keep my body system as pristine as I possibly can. Ok, who am I trying to kid??

I have since discovered that data crunching & analysis do not go well with headaches. There is a definite correlation between the numbers I see and the intensifying pain. I guess I have to postpone my preparation work for the review deck until Monday. Next week is going to be hecitc and chaotic... hopefully the announcement on the 19th will yield some good news or else I may have to bring out the classifieds and start looking for a new job.

Found out this morning that a friend's 13 year old dog passed away after a battle with kidney failure. I can't even imagine how sad she is and I can't help but think about Huskee and what I'd do the day he leaves me. He is already 10 years old, so I wonder how many more 'quality' years I can spend with him... I say 'quality' because I love him way too much to ever want to see him suffer, so the day when I get the 'signal' from him that he is in pain and suffering, I will let him go no matter how much my heart hurts. Till then, I will savor and treasure every moment of his grouchy attitude, stinky breath, crooked teeth and arm humping...

Out of the 26 alphabets, I have found out which letters I loathe, 3 consonants and 2 vowels... D.E.A.T and H (in that order please).

Especially for J and Max... this never fails to make me cry each time I read it.

*** RAINBOW BRIDGE ***

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author Unknown

Chloe Turns 3 Months

Today, 14 Jan 2010, Chloe would have turned 3 months old.

My little princess will be officially be an 'infant' rather than a 'newborn'. At 3 months old, she should be able to better focus her gaze on objects close-by, she should be able to grasp my finger in her tiny hand, she should be able to laugh and gurgle aloud, she should be starting to learn how to roll-over.... all these and so much more.

But I won't ever get to see all these and will never get to watch her grow.

Trapped Inside a Foreign Body

I officially announce that my body does not really belong to me anymore, other than the fact that I am trapped inside it. I don't know what is wrong with it anymore. It is definitely not the 'time of the month' for me yet, but I have been spotting very lightly... this is so totally out of whack. I guess this is what Dr T previously referred to as 'dysfunctional bleeding' (yup, it's not the first time this is happening to me... it's happened before a few months ago too). Naturally I am concerned about it because now that I am trying to conceive, this is not going to help me one bit AND furthermore, this is supposed to be the time when I am ovulating!! WTF...

I think the word 'dysfunctional' is happening to every part of me.. my body, my mind, my sleep and even my dreams...

This is something written by a doctor (oncologist) which I read on the newspaper - 'Every man wants to take control of his life. But the truth is, you are not in control. I, as your doctor, am not in control either. Someone else is in control - a higher being'. Thought the statement carried a lot of truth.

Envy...

I thought I would be able to handle it better... the keyword here is 'thought'. Well, apparently not and I am pissing myself off big time. I went into the office today to collect a contract and also run some errands (i.e. buy Hershey's food)... While in the office, I was walking over to another colleague's desk when I saw a consultant who work in one of my teams. She's pregnant.

I do know all these while that she is pregnant, but I guess since I have not been in the office for a while, I was surprised to see her burgeoning tummy. She must be around 5 or 6 months along now... Anway it stopped me in my tracks. I did a U-turn and immediately retraced my steps back to the safe cocoon of my office. I still can recall that she had invited me to her wedding some 2 years back... **Sigh** I got married way before her and look, here she is, soon to be a mom, and there I am, empty-handed.

I know that 'envy' is one of the seven deadly sins, but I really cannot help myself from being so green with envy at another woman's good fortune. I am sure this won't be the last time I become consumed by the green eyed monster too.

Separation Anxiety

The weekend came and went... too fast in fact. After all the long holidays over Christmas and New Year, I have suddenly felt a familiar feeling that has come back to haunt me after so many years.

When I was young (maybe like 5 years old), my younger sister and I were sent to a relative's house while both my parents were at work. It's not that the relative ill-treated me or anything, but I can still very clearly recall how much I dread going there. I'd usually start crying on the way over to her place. I just didn't like being away from my parents and being left in a place that isn't my home.

My sister didn't mind it very much as she was a lot younger and didn't really know what was happening. I didn't like going there because it was a stressful environment (at least for me)... there are too many people living there (I still don't like crowds), I don't like most of those people (even until now), and I felt that they talked too loudly (I have a low threshold for loud noise even until today). For a 5 year old kid, I sure was picky... LOL! Anyway, when my parents sent me there, I'd brawl my eyes out and cling on to my dad's leg (like what a pole dancer would do... maybe I am closet pole dancer??) and it'd take at least 2 adults to pry my little fingers and pull me away from my dad.

The same thing happened during my first 3 weeks at kindergarten... Instead of taking me directly to class, my dad would take me directly to the principal's office where there'll be 2 teachers on 'standby'. By then I will have a viselike grip on one of my dad's leg and the teachers will try to pry my fingers/ arms away while I was kicking and screaming so that my poor dad can have his leg back. They will then coax me back into class and as you'd expect, I was late for class everyday. What can I say, I am a Drama Queen even at that young age!! This is a family joke and my parents/ relatives always have a very good laugh whenever someone (usually my mom) brings it up.

I don't think any of the adults realized it then, including my poor parents who were pulling their hair out.. but looking back at it now, I think I have separation anxiety even at that young age. And because no one recognised it, I am left with the 'scars' of those episodes that I also brought with me into adulthood.

This brings me back to what I want to say... every Monday (actually Sunday evening to be precise), I will feel that familiar sense of dread and forlorness... as if I was being 'abandoned'. It feels exactly the same like all those years ago. Of cos now that I am old enough to rationalize, I won't kick up a fuss and hang onto Mark's leg when he leaves the house. But that feeling is definitely the same. I hate it when Mark has to leave me to go to work or business trips, and it's worse especially after we have spent a lot of time in each other's company, like over the long weekends or if we have gone for a vacation.

I only noticed this in the last 3 months, and I wonder if it has got anything to do with me losing Chloe and/or my subsequent depression. Possibly after losing Chloe, I subconsciously clung onto Mark for emotional/ mental support and somehow have become overly-dependent on him. I guess this isn't a 'problem' per se, but just makes me wonder what other 'hidden issues' I have that needs to be addressed. This would probably make a good topic for discussion during my next appointment with my psychiatrist. Might turn out to be pretty interesting...

I am pretty sure Huskee has separation anxiety too. His modus operandi is to bark the house down and pee all over the house whenever he's left alone on his own. He must've picked it up from my behaviour somehow since he is so connected to me... good thing I didn't adopt his habits.

'Be careful'

I was over at my parent's place last week and as I was leaving to go home, they did the usual thing, i.e. dad will open the door and gate for me and mom will be carrying Huskee. They will then stand at the doorway and wait together with me until the lift is here before they go back in. As I was on my way out of the door, mom reminded me to 'be careful' (cos there are some major renovation/ upgrading works going on with the lifts, lift lobbies and common areas).

This simple 'be careful' evoked a lot of memories... When I was expecting Chloe, mom used to say (or nag?) this to me a lot, especially when I was visiting them because the renovations had already started in early 2009. It made total sense then cos I had a precious bounty growing inside my tummy. Damn.. can't believe the upgrading works is taking so long... it even outlasted my pregnancy.

I wanted to reply to mom that there is no need for me to 'be careful' now cos I have nothing to protect inside me... my tummy is empty. So even if I do fall, the only thing that's gonna hurt is my ample bottom (which'd probably cushion my fall anyway). But I just responded 'ok' and walked into the lift. Again, I can't help but be reminded that I have short-changed my parents of their grandchildren.

New Year's Day 2010

Here are some of the photos that were taken during the barbeque on New Year's Day. Looking back at the photos make me want to organise another barbeque (again!). I think Mark will freak out when he reads this **hint**. Don't know exactly why, but I simply love the relaxing atmosphere of barbeques and don't mind doing them again (and again)... it also doesn't hurt that I really like barbequed food too!! When you have the right group of people, it is nice how everyone will gather together to chat over the smouldering embers of the grill and do silly stuff (like pouring beer over the meat to 'season' it). Everyone is just chilling out and the mood is relax.

I also have photos of me carrying Amanda (who was blissfully unaware of her surrondings and fast asleep throughout most part of the evening/ night). I honestly never thought I'd ever have the courage to hold a baby so soon after losing Chloe, and I really have Ashley (Amanda's mummy) to thank for giving me this opportunity to take this 'first step'. I hope there'll be more chances to hold Amanda, watch her grow up and be a part of her life.

Baby Chloe

The name of this shop made me stop dead in my tracks. I stood in front of the shop window for a long time and simply stared blankly. Oh and it was a shop selling baby and children's clothings no less.

I really miss my Baby Chloe, so much that it hurts so bad.

Acupuncture Session #3

Went for my third acupuncture session and this time it did hurt a fair bit. Not sure if it is because more needles were used... I am pretty amazed with myself because I used to be terrified of needs and would be sleepless the night before any major check-up due to the fear of needles. After going through 2 miscarriages and the range of tests, I have somewhat gotten 'immune' to it... Sure, of course it still hurts, but it's mind over matter now.

However, I did also learn through experience that physical pain is nowhere compared to the pain in the heart, so it's no big deal really. Moreover, the acupuncture only last 20 minutes... I am still taking the funky tasting medicine daily and so far, I am doing it with gusto. Something that tastes that awful MUST be good right??

When Can I Have My Correct Change Back?

I was chatting with my aunty yesterday when I visited my uncle in hospital (he was admitted back in for low blood pressure) and my aunty casually mentioned to me that my mom's been pretty bored at home with not much things to do after her retirement in July. I felt soooooo guilty when I heard this because the ONLY reason why my mom decided to retire was because per our original plans, she'd take a 'break' for 3 months after she retires in July, and when October comes, she'd help me with Chloe once she's born and also look after me during my confinement period. My mom will then continue to take care of Chloe after I finish my maternity leave and go back to work.

My mom had been in the workforce for the past 35 odd years, and she always likes to keep herself busy. Now that she is at home everyday and there is no grandchild for her to care for, she has been bored stiff. I guess the 'grandson' she is looking after now is my little Huskee, and she had also been trying to keep herself busy by sewing a new bed for her 'granddaughter' Hershey.

If only I didn't miscarry, my mom would have been happily (and busily) looking after grandchild. Chloe would have brought so much joy into her grandparents' lives... she would have brought so much laughter into our family... she'd be the gem in her grandparents' eyes. I just feel like I have not only short-changed my husband, I have also short-changed my parents... And at the end of it all, I feel like I have been short-changed by God.

I received a work-related call early this morning from a supplier, and the first thing she asked me was if I was working today. Told her that I am actually on leave and her immediate reply was 'Oh, did you take the day off to send your kids to school?'. I felt that it was so presumptuous of this person to assume that I have kids... and how would she even know if I'm married??

Anyway, it kind of spoilt my day somehow... I finished the conversation with a bad taste in my mouth and ended up in a sourly mood. I wish I had kids that I can bring to school. I wish the reason why I had taken leave today is because it is the first day of school and I am sending my kids there.

I saw this pic on a friend's blog which I absolutely adore. It is a pic of her baby's hands and her doggie's paw. It is a very simple photo, but speaks volumes (at least to me). It is a scene that I desperately long to see in MY home... hopefully it will happen soon.

First Post of 2010...

New Year's Eve came and went... spent the countdown at a friend's house and toasted to the end of 2009 and the begining of 2010 with a glass of wine. Went home in the wee hours, showered and dozed off watching 'Runaway Bride'.

We had a group of friends over at our place for BBQ dinner on New Year's Day and it was great fun... Mark pulled a weird stunt on a friend and the poor bloke ended up with beer pouring in (or out??) of his nostrils. I also invited Amanda and her family over as I wanted Mark to meet them. The highlight of the day for me was that I carried Amanda and rocked her to sleep! I think I really need to exercise more cos I ended up with achy arms the next day... Little Amanda is such a sweetie, I wish I could have held her forever. When I was holding her and rocking her to sleep, I wondered if it was how Chloe would have felt like... would Chloe also have the same baby scent?

According to Amanda's mummy, there is an old wive's belief that for people who want to conceive, holding a newborn baby will bring baby dust, hence she had me hold onto Amanda for quite a while. I sure hope it works!! This is the first time I have held another baby in my arms since 26 June 2009, where I held Chloe for the first and also the last time. I had a lot of emotions inside me at that time... the one that was most acute and obvious was a sense of longing, followed by a sense of loss.

2010... I wonder what the new year will bring.