Tears in Heaven

Considering the fact that both Lucas and Chloe were so young when they left me, and that they have not actually 'seen' me before, how would they know who I am even if they see me one day? Would they know that I am their mummy? Would they come and hold my hands? Would they let me give them the hug that's been so long overdue? Would they let me kiss their cheeks?

Somber Sunday

We were supposed to go to the temple this morning to offer prayers to Lucas and Chloe since it's the Ghost Festival, but then it started to rain cats and dogs... So I remained curled up in bed in my favourite position while looking at the rain, listening to the rain and smelling the rain. It was very theraputic in a way.. to be able to be 100% engrossed in my own thoughts, think what I want to think and feel what I want to feel for the whole of that one hour.

Actually the only thing that was on my mind was 'How come my babies are there in some temple when they should be with me instead?'. Anyway, I'll never have an answer to this question...

We then went to Ngee Ann City for a late lunch and lo and behold.. they were holding a Baby Fair there. This is exactly what I needed... loads of heavily pregnant women, infants, toddlers... It made me feel like I wanted to kill myself there and then. This should've been THE time that Mark and I went shopping for Chloe's little cot, her pram, more clothings, toys, blankets, towels, bibs, shoes, socks and mittens... Looking at all those heavily pregnant ladies was very very hard too. Why them, not me? Where is my belly? Where is my baby? What did I do to deserve this? Again, no answers...

Lucas and Chloe's Daddy

Just came home from dinner... it's not the dinner that I want to 'talk' about.. it's the car ride home. On the way home in the car, Mark started a conversation about Chloe by saying that he missed her. He rarely does this because he knows it's treading on dangerous waters as this 'topic' is very sensitive and would make me sad/ depressed. He continued by telling me that other than me, only his sister knows how sad he really is about losing Chloe.

Most of the other people think that he is strong and is coping well with the pain of the loss. To be honest, only very few people have asked him how he felt and whether he's coping. I guess it's because society expects the man to be strong. He then told me to read the SMS exchange that he sent to his sister from the period 24 June 2009 to 26 June 2009. This is the period which I was in hospital and Chloe's fate was literally hanging by a thread.

These are some of the SMSes that Mark sent to his sister:

• 25 June 2009 - 'God has taken Lucas from us, I don't want him to take Chloe from us too.'
• 25 June 2009 - 'I see Shane lying on the bed and there is nothing I can do... Feeling so helpless waiting for fate to decide. I am very worried for her too.'
• 26 June 2009 - 'Shane delivered already. Baby is very perfect and cute. We spent some time together before they took Chloe to the mortuary.'

I cried silently all the way home... he does not deserve to go through this. I felt so sorry for Mark... While I know he is very sad about losing Chloe, I was focusing only on my own grief. That poor man had been grieving in his own way and had been suffering in silence. At the same time, he had to take care of me (mentally, physically and emotionally) during this period while trying to mask his own sadness.

Mark and I have been together as a couple for 11 and a half years. During this period, MANY (I actually lost count) of my friends have told me that I am very fortunate to have met and married him because he is so good to me, dotes on me and loves me so much. I have heard this from day one since our days in Australia when we started dating. He never fails to put me before himself and is willing to splurge on the most ridiculously expensive things for me just to make me happy, even for a brief moment.

During those days in Melbourne, he was willing to spend 70% of the monthly allowance that his dad sent to him on something impractical for me... usually a bag. How he managed to survive on the remaining 30% is still a mystery to me since he had to pay rent, phone bills, etc. There was one evening when I casually mentioned that I missed my Chanel 'Allure' perfume cos I left it back home in Singapore. He immediately went out to buy it without my knowledge, and I learnt from a friend that he ran all the way to the departmental store just to get it for me before it closed for the day. Another time he bought me this set of Forever Friends alphabet bears that spelt out 'I LOVE YOU'... I think that was one of the very first gifts from him. Sadly, I accidentally lost them away while we were moving house. I have been feeling guilty about it ever since.

I admit that I have always taken Mark for granted until I lost Lucas last year. It's like I suddenly realised how strong he really was mentally and emotionally, and how much I meant to him. It seemed like the experience suddenly made him 'grow up' overnight. I have seen a side of him that I have never known in our 10 years together. Again, it's a humbling experience to know that there is a person who loves me so much.

Till today, I still have friends telling me how fortunate I am to have Mark, in fact, my best friend and I just had this conversation not too long ago at the poolside one evening... and my answer has always been 'Yes, I know that'... I truly do.

That's also mainly the reason why I am so desperate/ determined to give him a child, cos I know other than being a great husband, he'd be a fantastic daddy. If there is one lesson that I learnt from the loss of my 2 angels, it is that their daddy is a wonderful man...I am very lucky to have met him on that faithful night while visiting friends at a hostel 11 and a half years ago and made him fall in love at first sight (or so he claims until this day).

If one day our marriage should break down for whatever reason/s, I know it's my loss. I also know that whichever girl that ends up with him will be so very fortunate... I know this for a fact cos I am speaking from experience.

Birthday Wishes... do they come true?

Today is my brother-in-law's birthday and I sent him a text message to wish him 'Happy Birthday' and for all his wishes to come true. He replied with something that really touched my heart... he said that he'd wish for whatever that I wish for to come true. It's clear that I only have one wish... I want a happy and healthy baby of my own. The message from him, though short and sweet, touched me more than he'd ever know.

This also reminded me of what my best friend told me. On her birthday in July this year, she told me that her wish is for me to get what I wish for. I feel so humbled by this act of kindness by her and my brother-in-law. ...

Well, no one knows exactly if birthday wishes do come true, but even if it doesn't, their simple, selfless gesture meant a great deal to me. It makes me feel blessed, loved and grateful for the people I have in my life.

*** Happy Birthday, dear Dennis... If you ever do get to read this, I hope that you will get me a sister-in-law (大嫂) soon so that she can 'take over' my place during the mahjong sessions on Chinese New Year. I think your mom is going to give-up on imparting her mahjong knowledge and skills to me pretty soon after so many years because I am a lost cause... ***

Chloe and Hershey

I deeply regret that I have not taken more photos of me/ my belly when I was still pregnant with Chloe. I never knew that I'd lose her after 6 short months. If I'd known, I definitely would have taken heaps of photos of my precious belly.

These are 2 of the much treasured photos that I took about 2 weeks before I miscarried Chloe (around week 22 of my pregnancy). They were taken on 2 separate days and I took the photos because I was amused by how Hershey laid on my belly while I was watching TV in bed. Hershey NEVER used to do it prior to me getting pregnant and I was really surprised when she first did that cos she has always been more attached to Mark than to me, and this rare display of affection was so unexpected. It surprised me enough to take photos of it. Now I am glad I did...

Previously, Mark and I always used to say to Hershey that she is now a 'big sister' to Chloe and that is Chloe's Guardian Angel, so she needs to protect and take care of her 'little sister'... I always found it so sweet when Hershey did that because it looked and felt as though she is 'bonding' with her little sister.

Sadly, Hershey has stopped laying on my belly ever since I lost Chloe... Well, she does come and lie down BESIDE me, but never on my belly anymore.. Do you think Hershey knows/ can sense that Chloe is no longer with us and that's why she's stopped laying on my belly? (Oh and Hershey's been 'sacked' from her Guardian Angel position for failing in her job).

What If... Supposing... If Only.... Imagine If...

In my perfect world, on this day - 26 Aug 2009, little Chloe would still be happily growing and developing in my belly. Today, she'll be 33 weeks in gestation and eagerly waiting for the moment where she'd be welcomed into this world in a couple of week's time. When that time comes, my baby will be safely and lovingly cocooned in her mummy's arms, totally doted upon and loved by her family and extended family, given all the nice material goods that money can buy, and given all the love and care that money cannot buy. If only I still had her...

Unfortunately, this is NOT a perfect world... Today, 26 Aug 2009, I have lost weight instead of gained weight, I have flattened belly and there isn't a baby in sight. During the early months when we still had Chloe, Mark and I had planned to decorate Chloe's nursery in Aug, in time for her arrival in October. Now, that room is left in it's original state. There is no baby cot.. no baby clothes.. no baby toys.. bascially there will be no baby this October.

Today marks the 2nd month since I have lost my princess... 26 June 2009 feels like it was only yesterday. All the pain, helplessness and anguish still seems so raw. I am still missing her so much. I really miss feeling her move inside my belly.. I only got to savour the feeling of feeling Chloe moving inside me for 3 precious weeks. It's a feeling that I'd never forget, to feel a life moving inside of you.. it felt ike a flutter of angel wings.. maybe it was the flutter of her angel wings that I felt.

Not forgetting my Lucas... In my perfect world, if only I had successfully carried him to term till early/mid Dec 08 (guess I'd never know the date that he was supposed to be born for sure), my firstborn would've been 8 months old now. At this age, he'd have been able to sit without support, stand holding onto furniture, crawl all over the place... Will he suck on his thumb like I did when I was young? Will he be able to feel my love for him in my kisses? Will he lie on my chest and feel the love in my heart? Will he look into my eyes and see how much I love him? If only I had my darling boy... I'd give up anything, even my own life, in exchange for his.

Unfortunately, the sad reality is that I have lost BOTH of them. It's now the Chinese Seventh Month i.e. Hungry Ghost Festival and I was told by elders that I have to go to a temple and give them my babies' names so that the temple can help them chant for reincarnation. I wasn't religious but I did that because I only want the best for them no matter where they are. I was supposed to love and protect them on Earth, but because I failed so miserably, I can only try and do my best to extend my love and 'protection' to this unknown place where they are at.

It breaks my heart so so so much every time I think of this... my Lucas and Chloe are supposed to be right here with their mummy... and NOT in a temple waiting for reincarnation. It's totally my fault that they are in this predicament... the ONLY thing that they did wrong was that they picked me as their mummy. If only they had picked another woman as their mom... they'd still be alive today.

Depression???

It's almost 2 months since I lost Chloe and as each day goes by, I find myself getting sadder and more depressed, though I am completely capable of acting normal in the presence of family and friends. I have uncontrollable mood swings and I break down in flood of tears at the snap of fingers... I feel like I don't know myself anymore. I'm even scared of myself cos I don't know what to expect.. and to be frank, I truly think I am capable of hurting myself when I am alone.

I have always always prided myself as a very logical person and I have always been a person who thinks with my head and never let emotions get the better of me. However, this time round, I don't know why but I just feel so so so tired. I have no motivation to do anything.. even my used to be favourite past time, i.e. shopping, is no longer fun and feels like such a hassle. I can't think logically anymore.

I think one of the last logical things that I did for myself is that I went searching for more information on depression (mainly on the symptoms) and here's what I found (in BLUE text and my response in GREEN).. I think I am thinking too much.. hopefully...

Are you clinically depressed?

If you identify with several of the following signs and symptoms, and they just won’t go away, you may be suffering from clinical depression.

• you can’t sleep or you sleep too much - I have been averaging 3 hours (or if I am very lucky around 4 hours) sleep per night for the past 3 weeks (no naps in the day). Is this considered ok?


• you can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult - not really.. I think... so what's the question again?


• you feel hopeless and helpless - yup.. absolutely can identify with this.. hopeless, helpless, pointless, meaningless, useless...


• you can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try - another resounding 'yes'. Let me cite some examples.. when I cross the road, I'd imagine how nice it'd be to be knocked down by a car/ bus/ whatever.. or when I am cutting up food, I'd consider how sweet it'd be to run the blade of the knife across my wrist.. or when I am at the top of the escalator coming down, I fantasize about how I can 'accidently' hurtle down from the top (though I have to make sure there isn't anyone in front of me). Then again, all these are just thoughts, I have not executed them up till now cos I am a coward.


• you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating - where's my appetite gone? Anyone seen it please return it back to me. I am perfectly happy if I don't have to eat for the whole day, though in the presence of company, I can make myself eat.


• you are much more irritable and short-tempered than usual - haha.. just verify this with Mark.. he can attest to it. He's the poor 'victim'.


• you have thoughts that life is not worth living (Seek help immediately if this is the case) - In the last 2 months, every time I wake up, I feel sorely disappointed that I did. I have totally no more aim in life (for now at least) and feel that it's all bleak and depressing...

Depression is a major risk factor for suicide. The deep despair and hopelessness that goes along with depression can make suicide feel like the only way to escape the pain.

Thoughts of death or suicide: A serious symptom of depression. A suicidal person may not ask for help, but that doesn't mean that help isn't wanted. Most people who are suicidal don't want to die — they just want to stop hurting. Take any suicidal talk or behavior seriously. It's not just a warning sign that the person is thinking about suicide: it's a cry for help.

OK, so do I have depression or not??

Sweet Dr T

I went back to the hospital so that they can do some follow-up checks on my blood to (hopefully) rule out some possible causes for recurrent miscarriages... and I finally wrote the looooong overdue 'thank you' card to my doctor, Dr T, who delivered Chloe and whom I have been seeing for all the follow-up checks. Writing that card was hell a lot harder than I initially expected, so I procrastinated for a while, but it's something that I really wanted to do/ had to do because I truly appreciated his soothing bedside manner and his patience in explaining things to me (I am not exactly the sharpest crayon in the box!!).

Dr T then shared with me that he actually felt bad about me having to stay in the same ward (i.e. maternity ward) as all the women who have just given birth. When he said that, I was dumbstruck because this 'issue' is something that bothered me a whole lot but I have never thought of doing anything about it ... To be more precise, I didn't know what I can do about it.

I went through this very horrible but unforgettable experience twice, and I hope never ever again. The first experience was when I miscarried Lucas. Then, it wasn't that bad cos I was in a single bedded ward so I didn't get to see babies, hear babies crying or nurses teaching the new moms how to breastfeed. But when I was settling the paper work and waiting to be discharged, I couldn't help but notice the stark contrast between myself and the other moms. Also, MOST of the people in that ward have something to smile and be happy about, but not me. I am the sole one who is being discharged without my baby. He won't be coming home with me... ever.

The second time round with Chloe, we were advised to opt for a subsidized ward so that in the event if Chloe had a fighting chance, she'd have to stay in the NICU for a long time and we can put aside the money for her hospitalisation bills. There were also some other reasons related to government subsidies, so we heeded their advice and opted for a 6-bedded room.

Unfortunately, Chloe did not get that fighting chance that I so badly wished for and I ended up still having to share a room with 5 other women who have/ will go on to have ALIVE, brawling, healthy babies. I'll never forget that night because even though I took a sleeping tablet, I was wide awake. I kept hearing the nurses bringing in the newborns so that they can be fed by their moms. It pained me so much cos while other babies were safely cocooned in their warm blankies and in their mother's arms, MY baby was lying alone in the coldness of the mortuary. I am amazed that I managed to keep my sanity... but that was the longest night of my life. I have never felt more alone, more vulnerable, more frustrated, more helpless and more depressed...

So far I have only shared this very traumatic experience with my best friend and Mark, and very briefly in my very first post. It was only until today that the sweet Dr T told me he felt traumatised on my behalf about what I had to go through that night, so much so that he'd given a feedback about it. Hopefully, the hospital (or rather all hospitals) can make some changes/ improvements in this area. Perhaps they can have a separate ward for people going through pregnancy loss rather than bundling them into the maternity ward. I am sure this will be very much appreciated by bereaved mothers.

Anyway, it really touched me beyond words that the doctor was so empathetic... Ok, I may be making a sweeping statement, but I really don't expect a guy to be this sensitive --- it's something I leant from experience! Moreover, for him as a doctor, it's just a job and at the end of the day I am Patient X who miscarried at 24 weeks. I think we need more doctors like him... empathy is not something that they teach in school. Thank you, Dr T, from the bottom of my heart.

The results of my blood test will be out in 2 week's time. I hope fervently that it will show what the heck is wrong with me/ my body so that if I do gather the courage to try and conceive again, I will be able to carry my baby to term. Then again, my gut feeling (its been pretty accurate so far) is already telling me the results will come back 'ok', meaning I won't know the reason behind the 2 miscarriages.. and why instead of having 2 children, I ended up with 2 angels.

** Dear God... Please trust me when I say that I really have more than enough angels... Please keep both my angels safe in your care until they are back where they belong in my arms, and if it's not too much to ask, can you please send me a healthy baby the next time round? It'd be a refreshing change to be able to happily bring home a wriggling pink/ blue bundle instead of going home empty-handed and with a broken heart. Thank you.

Bad Day... or Week??

I have been having a super bad day... week to be exact. I don't know what is wrong with me. I have a super short fuse and I feel oh so very emotional. The slightest thing makes me cry.. it can be an image, a song, or even a mere thought. The person at the brunt of my mood swings and my emotional outbursts is my poor long-suffering Mark, whom I reckon must be confused, bewildered and upset. Somehow, we have been arguing (it's more like me picking fights with him) over the slightest, tiniest things and for the past 3 nights, we have gone to sleep angry and annoyed with each other. This rarely happened in the past because I am a staunch believer of not going to bed with a argument unsettled.

I know it's my fault, but I don't know how to stop it from happening. I try and ask myself what's wrong, and I think I have found my answer. It's almost 2 months since losing Chloe, and the pain in my heart is just getting worse. If my waterbag didn't break, she'd still be safely cuddled inside me, and this would have been her 32nd week. In around 6-8 more weeks, she'd have been ready to see the world and be the most loved and spoiled little girl ever.

I have so much built-up resentment, disappointment and anger... mainly directed at myself for my failure to carry them to term. I cannot forget the look on Chloe's little face as I held her in my arms. That image will forever haunt me because she looked so perfect, so helpless and so innocent. My failure led to her death.. and her brother's too. Not many murderers out there kill their own kids.. I guess this makes me worse than a murderer??

Last Sunday, we found out that Mark's cousin had very recently given birth to a little boy. Lucas and Chloe have yet another cousin whom they'll never get to meet or play with. This little baby will never know of his other cousins who are in a place called 'heaven' because it'd be deemed a 'taboo' to mention. I sent his cousin a baby gift for her little boy... This is the THIRD baby gift I have sent out in the 2 months since losing Chloe and probably the nth one since losing Lucas. When will it be my turn to be at the receiving end of baby pressies?

Why is it that other people's babies were given the chance at life and my babies were not? Why are other people's babies able to snuggle and gurgle contentedly in their parents' arms while mine are in an entirely different place? Why?

I don't think Mark knows what's going through in my head and inside my heart. I think he, like all the rest, thinks that I am 'recovering'. I'm not... I am just getting better at acting. I know he misses them a lot too, but I do wish that he expresses it more, or that he can acknowledge my feelings more. I want to be able to cry whenever I want to and not try to hold back my tears and replace it with a fake smile plastered on my face.

I am so tired of trying to ACT normal... trying to ACT happy... trying to ACT like my heart is not broken. Acting can be so very tiring... but this is the expectation that people have of me, and I think it has been always in me that I will try to meet/ exceed other people's expectations. I think this time will be an exception because I simply cannot do it anymore. I just want to be weak and cry whenever I want to.

People tell me that I will feel 'better' as time passes.. but why is it that I am feeling worse with each passing day? How much more tears can I shed? How much further can my heart break?

Somewhere Out There

I wish there's some way I can let my angels know that I am missing them so much. Sadly, I don't think I am getting enough sleep to enable me to dream of them, so I have not had a single dream of them yet.

Anyway.. I am clinging on to the hope that one day, I will be reunited with them 'Somewhere out there'... hopefully sooner rather than later.

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight

Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer

That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are

It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby

It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through

Then we'll be together somewhere out there

Out where dreams come true

Mummy's Birthday Present

I got this pretty necklace from a friend in the US. It touched me so much when I saw their names inscribed inside the pendant. The name of this pendant is called 'Love Inside and Out'.. it's a beautiful name for a lovely necklace and is something that I'll always treasure.

Mummy's 'Grand Plan' -- Part I

Hey Sweet Peas,

In case you thought that I have forgotten about you the past few days, I assure you that I haven't (and never will). I have been busy hatching my newest 'grand plan'... I had toyed with the thought of getting a tattoo previously but never really got about doing it because of the pain involved.

Finally I think the time has come for me to do it... People tell me to think twice because it hurts a lot and it is something that will forever be etched on my body. Well that's precisely the reasons why I want to do it even more. I think no amount of physical pain can ever surpass the pain in my heart when I lost you two. And in case if I do live to an age where dementia sets in, I don't ever want to forget you, hence I want to have a tattoo of the both of you that will always be a part of me.

I'm still trying to work on the design with your daddy's help (he's not really helping much though), but whatever design that I end up with will definitely have both your names included. Hopefully mummy won't 'chicken out'...

Sweet dreams to you, my darlings. Sleep tight...

"A Pair of Shoes"

Came across this poem when I was trawling the internet websites for information on child loss, death, miscarriages... it touched me cos I can totally identify with it. In a nutshell, I hate this pair of 'shoes'.

"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author Unknown

Chloe's Song --- Love Me

Since Lucas had his own song, I think it is only right that we had to have a song for Chloe too. Actually the thought of getting Chloe a song did not occur to me at all and it all came about when I was writing her a card that was tied to a small bouquet of roses that was cremated along with her.

I wanted the words on that card to be simple, yet able to express what I wanted to tell her. Out of the blue, part of the lyrics of one song came to my mind:

If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then
Til I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love, Me.

Obviously this is a love song between a couple, but the words convey my message to my little princess and her brother. Although I loved the meaning behind all those words, it was a tad too long for my liking, so I ended up shortening and modifying it a little on the card:

Between Now and Then

Till We See You Again

We'll Be Loving You

The DIY bouquet and card for Chloe...

** My little princess Chloe, I hope you got mummy's message and liked the flowers we got for you...

Love, Me

By Collin Raye

I read a note my Grandma wrote back in 1923
Grandpa kept it in his coat, and he showed it once to me
He said, "Boy, you might not understand, but a long, long time ago,
Grandma's daddy didn't like me none, but I love your Grandma so.

We had this crazy plan to meet and run away together
Get married in the first town we came to and live forever
But nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet instead
I found this letter, and this is what it said :

"If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be

But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then
Til I see you again

I'll be loving you
Love, Me."

Lucas's Song --- Can't Cry Hard Enough

A few days after we lost Lucas in 08, I heard this song playing on the radio and I broke down when I heard it cos it was so apt in describing how I felt right then.. I could clearly associate my feelings with the following lyrics:

I let go of you like

A child letting go of his kite
There it goes, up in the skies

There it goes, beyond the clouds

For no reason why...

I felt like a child who had accidently let go of his prized kite, and the child is standing alone in a big field all alone and looking forlornly at the kite as it drifted further and further away from his reach and sight... And the sentence 'for no reason why' tugged a chord in my heart because till today, I have no clue why we lost him... simply for no reason why..

I never told Mark about this song. A few months later when we were in the car and it started playing on the radio. Mark turned and told me that the song reminded him of Lucas.. and I was totally gobsmacked because it was such a coincidence.. Out of all the songs out there, we picked the same song that made us feel connected to Lucas.

From that moment on, it became Lucas's song.

** Lucas sweetie.. I hope you like it as much as we do.

Can't Cry Hard Enough
By Williams Brothers

I'm gonna live my life Like every day's the last Without a simple goodbye It all goes by so fast. And now that you're gone I can't cry hard enough No I can't cry hard enough For you to hear me now. Gonna open my eyes And see for the first time I let go of you like A child letting go of his kite, There it goes up in the sky There it goes beyond the clouds For no reason why I can't cry hard enough No, I can't cry hard enough For you to hear me now. There it goes up in the sky There it goes beyond the clouds For no reason why I can't cry hard enough No, I can't cry hard enough For you to hear me now.

A Letter to My Angels --- 4th Aug 2009

To my precious Angels,

It's mummy's birthday today. Sadly, mummy and daddy never had the honour of having either of you with us on our birthdays... Sadly, we will never have the chance of celebrating YOUR birthdays with you... Sadly, for the second consecutive year, mummy and daddy have spent our birthdays in tears rather than in joy...

It feels so utterly wrong and against logic that as parents, we have to mourn for the loss of our two babies and yet still be alive and well on our own birthdays. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around, i.e. the children are supposed to mourn for the death of their parents instead. If there is anything that I do or can give up in order to have you back, I will do so without hesitation.

Today, mummy received numerous 'Happy Birthday' greetings from well-meaning friends and family, and each time I heard it, my heart cracked little bit more. How is my birthday going to be 'happy' when both of you are not by my side? How can I be happy when my heart is numb from the pain of losing you? To put it simply, how can I ever be 'happy' again in this lifetime?

I have told your daddy not to buy me any present because I have everything I can possibly need, and as for the things that I want, he (or anyone else) cannot give me. You know what I want my sweet darlings? I only wanted you... Nothing more, nothing less.

As long as I live, you will live in my heart;

As long as I live, you will be remembered;

As long as I live, you will be loved.

Missing you, my sweet angels...

Love Always,

Mummy

The Story of my 2 Angels

The reason for setting up this blog is for me to put down my feelings cos I like to write, and I think I can express my feelings in words better than verbally. More importantly, it is to ensure that I do not forget my 2 angels, even the day when I become old and forgetful. I am so afraid that I will gradually forget each of their stories and how they looked like as time passes.

I have a medical condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which would make it hard for me to conceive naturally without any medical intervention. I never knew I had this condition, even though I lived with some the symptoms for half my life.. i.e. irregular/ infrequent periods that are usually heavy, hight cholestrol and weight gain. There is a host of other symptoms in addition to what I have, like acne, excessive hair growth, oily skin, obesity, etc, and I am pretty fortunate that I don't have them.

I only found out that I have this condition only after I lost little Lucas, my little miracle baby.

Lucas - My Miracle Baby Boy
I say he is my miracle baby because somehow he was conceived naturally even though I have PCOS and should have been 'infertile' and unlikely to conceive without medical help.

On 07 Apr 2008, exactly one month after my 10th year anniversary with my husband, I went to see the doctor as I had a discomfort in my lower abdomen. The doctor did some routine checks and a scan showed that it was a cyst. It was fairly harmless and should go away, but at the same time, the doctor also noticed that I 'appeared' to be pregnant.

After a more thorough check, it was confirmed. This came a surprise because we have been trying for a while to have a baby. Preliminary tests indicated that I was about 4 weeks along, meaning that this baby was conceived on the day of our 10th year anniversary (yes, I know this for sure!!). What could be more special and meaningful, right? It is the perfect present for both of us.

With the help of some close friends, we planned a small surprise and broke the news to my hubby immediately after he arrived back in Singapore after a business trip. The word ‘shocked’ does not fully describe his reaction then and he kept asking me to swear that we were not pulling his leg. Hubby and I were ecstatic about the impending arrival of this new life, so were our family and friends. Along the way, I had some spotting and went back to the doctor’s several times for progesterone shots to 'boost' the pregnancy/ prevent miscarriage.

Meanwhile, all my scans showed that our baby was developing beautifully and the test results were very good. Other than feeling a little nauseated during the 5th to 8th week, I was beginning to enjoy the feeling of having a little life growing inside me… and also enjoying the undivided attention from my hubby despite it being Euro 2008!

I had some of the typical pregnancy symptoms, i.e. having sore (but HUGE) boobs, feeling bloated, waking up 2 to 3 times a night to go to the toilet, my face was starting to break out with acne, etc. What I loved most was that I noticed my clothes were gradually getting tight, it’s a sign that the little life is growing! I also loved it when hubby put his head on my growing belly to talk to our baby. Ever since hubby accompanied me to my first scan and saw a fuzzy scan of the baby, he was already convinced that it was going to be a boy. Deep down, I had a gut feeling that it was a boy too… we can call it Mother’s instinct! But whenever hubby referred to the baby as ‘he’ / ‘him’, I enjoyed teasing him by saying that I felt it was a girl and it’d spark off a lively round of ‘debate’.

Just as we were going to bed on the night of Father's Day 2008, I had a sudden gush of blood and we immediately went to the hospital. The doctor did some checks and said that it was probably due to the fact that my placenta was a bit low. Anyway, the important thing is that the baby’s fine and I saw from the scan that he was happily punching and kicking in the waterbag. I was given another progesterone shot and sent home with a week’s leave from work. At home that night, hubby even said that it was baby’s way of wishing him Happy Father’s Day.

To be on the safe side, we went to see my regular doctor first thing the next morning. During the routine check, she found out that somehow my waterbag had burst and some of the amniotic fluid had already leaked and there’s no chance of the baby surviving without the waterbag at this early stage of 14 weeks. We had to terminate the pregnancy soon as it may lead to an infection for me. We did a scan and although the waterbag appeared a lot smaller, baby's heart was still beating strongly and baby was moving around, although much lesser this time cos he’s got lesser space. At that time, both hubby and I were too shocked to cry or even react to what the doctor told us. It was too sudden… too unexpected.

I was immediately warded into the hospital so that the doctor can perform the abortion. Though we knew deep in our hearts that there was no chance for our baby, hubby and I decided to delay the abortion till the following day so that we can spend one last night with our precious darling. Breaking the news to our family and friends was the other difficult part.

That night was the longest night in my life. I cried till I don’t think I had anymore tears left and hubby cried alongside with me for the baby that we so badly wanted but could never hold. My heart broke into a million pieces and I don’t think it’ll ever mend. We kept telling baby how sorry we were and how much we loved him. I really did not want to keep referring to the baby as ‘it’ (we still didn't know the gender then), so hubby and I decided that if the baby’s a girl, we’d name her ‘Chloe’ and if it’s a boy, he’d be called ‘Lucas’.

The next morning the doctor came and gave me the pills that’d induce the miscarriage and take this precious life out of my body. The pills were to be taken 3 hourly until ‘it’ happens… the first was at 9.20am, then again at 12.20pm. By 12.50pm, I started having minor contractions and it very quickly became full-blown ones by 1.15pm. By 1.30pm, ‘it’ happened… Our baby’s gone.

We told the doctor that we wanted to know the baby’s gender because at 14 weeks, it’s already formed although we weren’t able to tell from the earlier scans. Hubby’s right.. our baby's a boy. The doctor asked if we wanted to see him and we agreed because I was afraid I’d regret forever if I didn’t even get to see my precious baby Lucas. He was tiny… at just 10 cm, he was slightly bigger than the size of my palm. However, he was already perfectly formed… we could see his teeny-weeny fingers and toes. What broke my heart further was how peaceful he looked. He was cuddled up and looked like he was sound asleep. The doctor checked him and said that our Lucas was perfectly fine and would continue to develop if it weren’t for the waterbag. Hearing this made me feel even worse cos I felt that as a mother, I failed my duty to protect my baby. MY failure had led to the demise of my baby…

That evening, I had to go through a short surgery (D&C) to ‘clean-up’ my womb. They will put me under a GA during the procedure and as I was waiting for my turn at the Operating Theatre, I thought about many things during that 30min. Honestly I wouldn’t mind if I did not wake up from the GA… at least I have my baby waiting for me on the other side and he wouldn’t be so alone.

It’s been more than a year since I lost my baby boy… and not a second goes by where I don’t think of him and of the times which we COULD have spent together... Sadly, I don't have any pics of him cos it happened so suddenly and we were so unprepared.

Family and friends have rallied around us during this period, this we’ll forever be grateful for. Many people have also told us that ‘it’s ok, you can try again’, it is said with no ill-intent of course, but honestly, it really is NOT ok… no one will ever be able to replace Lucas in my heart and when they took him away, they also took away a big piece of my heart.

During my stay in the hospital, my sweet hubby went to the nearby Tiffany shop and bought each of us a ‘dog tag’ cos of what it symbolizes and wearing it enables us to keep baby Lucas close to his mummy and daddy’s hearts always. I wore it daily and only took it off when I was warded in Jun 09. The words on the tag are:

Lucas Lee

07.03.08 – 17.06.08

*************************************************************************

Right after we lost Lucas, I was went to seek a second opinion from a 2nd doctor because my bleeding did not stop. He immediately diagnosed me with PCOS and referred me to a fertility doctor. Although my heart was still aching from the loss of my firstborn, I was eager to get pregnant again as soon as I can to try and make up for that feeling of loss and emptiness.

I started seeing the fertility doctor sometime in early Sep 08 and he confirmed that I have PCOS. He 'recommended' that I have at least a 3 month 'break' before we started trying again. We started the fertility treatments in Oct 08 and we started off with the 'basic' treatments first, i.e. oral medication and injections on my tummy to boost the size and quantity of egg production.

After 4 months of medication and injections (lovingly administered by hubby), I found out that I was pregnant on 10 Feb 2009. By then I was so in-tune with my body that I knew I was pregnant before even taking the home pregnancy test. Because of the fertility treatments, I knew for sure that I conceived on 27 Jan 2009.

Chloe - My little Princess

Ever since I was 16 years old, I fell in love with the name 'Chloe' cos it sounded so pretty and girlish, and I knew then that if I have a daughter, she'd be named Chloe.

When the pregnancy test showed up positive, I was happy beyond words. It's like the void has been filled, although nothing and no one can ever replace Lucas and he will always have a special permanent place in my heart. I was over the moon and finally felt that there was something worth living for after the miscarriage. This time round, the pregnancy was a breeze... I ate the right food, did the right stuff and tried to rest as much as I could to protect the new little life inside.

6 months passed rather uneventfully as we slowly and cautiously started sharing the good news with family and friends. I enjoyed putting on the extra weight, not fitting into my 'normal' clothes, and even secretly enjoyed the typical pregnancy symptoms... i.e. calf cramps in the middle of the night, frequent visits to the toilet, water retention in my fingers, stretch marks on my belly, etc.

At around 5.45am on 24 Jun while I was still asleep, I felt a gush of water that jolted me awake. I knew immediately what it was... my water bag broke AGAIN. I also knew immediately that it meant bad news because I was only 24 weeks along then. Hubby and I sobbed all the way to the hospital because deep inside we already knew what the outcome would be. The doctors were very frank and told us in no uncertain terms that the chances of our baby making through it at 24 weeks is very bleak. Even if she survived, she'd most likely have:

1) lung complications because at 24 weeks, her lungs have not yet developed fully

2) brain damage due to the lung problem.. i.e. insufficient oxygen

3) infections

4) physical and learning disabilities

and the list went on... I guess I just 'switched off' at some stage.... it was just too heartbreaking. I knew we did not have a choice then... hubby and I have discussed this issue previously even before we got pregnant. We know clearly that we'd want our baby to have quality of life and the last thing we'd want is to bring her into this world to suffer. I guess this is a controversial issue.. some people may think that it's too selfish on our part to rob her of the chance to live. However, as her mom, I felt that it'd too unfair for our princess if she was not able to have a quality life... she's my baby, she deserves better... no correction... she deserves only the best.

I had big hopes for her... all the dashed hopes that I had for her brother Lucas were now pinned on this baby. I wanted to bring her up exactly the same way I was brought up because I had the happiest childhood, went to good schools, had decent grades, had the opportunity to go to university abroad, have a close-knit family plus extended family (including my in-laws) who doted on me, a good job with a pay that I cannot complaint about, friends whom I know I can count on anytime, a wonderful relationship with my hubby whom I love dearly, a beautiful home, an anti-social grouchy 10 year old dog (Huskee) and a crazy, destructive 1 year old pup (Hershey). I wanted her to have all these and more... I wanted to give her nothing but the best.

The only hope then was that I do not get an infection and somehow will be able to keep her in me for as long a possible so that her tiny little lungs have the chance to grow properly. That's when we were hoping for a miracle. That night when I had difficulty falling asleep, I put my hands on my now slightly deflated tummy and told Chloe that if she's tired of fighting or if she is in pain and wanted to give up fighting, I'd totally understand. The next day her daddy also gave her the same message... much as we loved and wanted her, we don't want her to be suffering because of our own selfishness.

In the end, our sweet princess made the decision for us. I started running a fever, my white blood cell count have more than doubled and began to get minor contractions at 5am on 26 Jun 09. It's a sure sign that I have got an infection. I was pushed to the delivery suite at around 11am and she arrived at 1416hrs after 3-4 long pushes. Hubby was with me throughout those painful hours and held my hands through it all. This is the second time we are going through the whole labour process knowing fully well that we'd not be going out of the delivery suite with a brawling, healthy infant.

They cleaned her up and placed her on my chest, and we were allowed to spend some precious time with her privately. Although she did not cry like other babies, she was still alive, I could see her heart still pounding against her tiny chest... We counted her tiny fingers and toes, joked through our tears that she's got big feet like her daddy, noted that while she had most of hubby's features although her lips are definitely mine, her hair is just begining to grow...She is about the length from my the tip of my fingers to my elbow and she looked so fragile and innocent... She is my sleeping angel. We kissed her gently and although she did not open her eyes to look at us, I really hope she knew that those kisses were from her mommy and daddy, who love her beyond words.

The too short time that we spent with her is something that I'd be eternally grateful for because it somehow proved that the past 24 weeks were not a dream, I did have a baby and she is perfect, only that she was too eager to see the world.. impatient just like her brother.. I guess it's a trait they inherited from me cos patience is definitely not one of my virtues!

That night was so tough... I felt so empty, so helpless, so guilty, so lost, so betrayed, so robbed, so heartbroken.. As I was in the maternity ward, I kept hearing babies crying and the nurses pushing the babies to their moms for feeding every 2 hours. It broke my heart so much because while those lucky babies were warm and had their moms to feed and care for them, my little Chloe was lying alone and cold in the mortuary.

It's really been hard... sooooo hard... I don't even know the right words to describe how bad it's been. I have not yet learnt how to cope with the loss of my firstborn only a year ago, and now I have to go through the pain all over again with my second baby. I can still clearly remember the pain, emotions, anger, hurt that I went through only a year ago... now they seem all too familiar.

I am still searching for a reason why this happene to me TWICE... I am not religious, but somehow I think I must have done something really bad, or I must have been a really evil person to deserve this punishment.

I miss my two angels... and I miss them both so much and I love them even more... I'd do anything to be with them... They are an extension of the love that hubby and I share. I feel so guilty that I have failed so miserably yet again...

• I failed as a woman because I can't even properly carry a baby to term.
• I failed as a mom because I could not even protect my own babies.
• I failed as a wife because I cannot even give my husband a baby.
• I failed as a daughter/ daughter-in-law because I cannot give my parents/ in-laws a grandchild.
• I failed as a friend because I cannot give my best friend her god-child.

In the span of one year, I was brought to my knees twice. Before I can even learn how to stand up and walk properly again after the first time, I have been brought back to my knees yet again. This time, I am just simply too tired to even try and stand up.

30 Jun 09 is without doubt the most heart-wrenching time in my entire 32 years of life. It feels so so so wrong for a parent to have to go through this...for a parent to make arrangements for the cremation of his/ her baby... for a parent to see his/ her baby lying lifelessly in a coffin... However, this is something that I felt that hubby and I must go through... i.e. to send our princess on her final journey in her too short time on earth. That's the least we can do for her.

We went shopping for some last minute stuff that I wanted to include in her coffin.. we had previously bought some clothes for her, but I wanted her to have more... it's never enough anyway. It felt so surreal being in the baby department buying mittens, booties, milk bottles and pacifier for all the wrong reasons. I also ended up getting some pretty pink roses for her.

Definitely not the prettiest bouquet I've seen, but I wanted to do it myself instead of getting a professionally done one. I wrote a message on a little heart-shaped card which I tied to the bouquet..

The message says:
To our Darling Daughter CHLOE LEE

Between Now and Then
Till We See You Again
We'll Be Loving You

Love Always,
Daddy and Mummy
June 2009

The message contains the lyrics from Raye Collin's 'Love, Me' song which I modified a little. This song was playing on the radio and when I heard it, it just felt 'right'.

These are the clothes that Mark and I picked out for her which were cremated along wth her. Each of them with their own story behind.

This Baby Ralph Lauren dress was the very first piece of clothing that we got for her.. we bought it on 03 June, right after the scan showed that I was expecting a girl. For those who know Mark, aka Chloe's daddy, this dress is a mni version of his signature Polo T-shirts which are mostly in shades of yellows/ oranges. When he saw it, he just insisted on buying it for her.

I bought these from Mothercare. This is something that I just 'had to' buy because of the wordings on it. She will always be the 'Princess of the House'... This is actually the outfit which I'd initially planned to to let her wear when we bring her home from the hospital. Little did I expect that I'd go home empty handed - again.

This sweet cherry outfit is from my sis, aka Chloe's Aunty. I wanted to include them because I wanted Chloe to know that other than her daddy and mommy, she also has other people, especially an aunt who loves her a lot..

No way I can resist this outfit too... the bib says it all... She'll forever be my 'little princess'. That's how we have always been addressing her ('Princess') ever since we found out I was expecting a girl.

Another sweet Baby Ralph Lauren outfit that her daddy got for her... We were so looking forward to see her in this sweet pastel pink romper.

Chloe's first (and only) toy... a fluffy pink rattle doggie that says 'My First Puppy'.

The first and last bottle of milk that her daddy lovingly made for her.

All of my Princess' possessions...

Holding onto her bag of belongings on our way to the mortuary to see her for the last time... Can I fit myself in here so that I can be with her?

Somehow we managed to get through the day still sane and in one piece... The image of our tiny sleeping princess in her little white coffin is something that I will remember for life. Before they closed the coffin, I told Chloe to go and look for her big brother Lucas, who will look out for her and take good care of her. I also told her pass a message to Lucas, to let him know that we have not forgotten about him and are still loving and missing him dearly. Lastly, I told her that I was sorry I could not protect her and that I loved her more than she'd ever know.

Chloe's ashes were scattered into the sea. I have been told that this is the closure that I need, but to me, it's just the begining of the long and bumpy road ahead.

One day a child was born, too early, too small but loved as much as any child could be.
As the parents of this child entered this journey they found themselves feeling alone.
They had the joys of being new parents but the fear of losing their child, the thrill of giving birth, the grief of a lost dream.
This was supposed to be a joyous time, not a time filled with grief, anger and pain.