Last Day of May

Today is 31 May, the last day of May. It'll be June tomorrow. June is without doubt my most hated, most feared and most dreaded month of the year. It was in June (2008 and 2009) that I lost 2 of the most precious things in my life. It was in June that I cried so much that I couldn't cry anymore. It was in June that I felt that my heart was ripped apart and it'd never be whole again. It was in June that I felt that my world had come to an end, twice over.

Subconsciously, I have been doing a mental 'countdown' every night since May. As May comes to and end, I can feel my fear escalate and my heart constrict more as we near June. I wonder what June 2011 will bring for me. I only have one simple wish... I hope to have a smooth pregnancy and eventually be able to hold my own healthy baby in my arms in October/ November this year. I don't care how many times I need to go to the hospital each week for check-ups and how much more physical pain I have to endure as long as it means little bun will be born healthy and full term.

I guess this is the simple wish of this mother. I just want my baby to be born full term and be healthy and happy.

Deja vu

Like many men, Mark loves his soccer (to watch, not to play) and is a fan of Manchester United. There was a 'big match' (in his words) in the wee hours, 2.30am to be exact, of Sunday morning between Man U and Barcelona, and he was determined that he would wake up to catch it. He even 'invited' me to join him in watching it and tried to entice me by telling me how exciting it'd be.

Anyway, he did wake up to catch the match while I remained in dreamland. I was woken up at around 4am by one of my frequent need to visit to the bathroom and since I was already awake, I went to join Mark in the living room to watch the remaining of the match. As I approached him, he gave me a pouty/ sad face (cos Barcelona trashed Man U, 3-1). I was hit by a really intense sense of deja vu and I felt the hair at the back of my neck stand. Then it hit me hard...

When I was pregnant with Chloe, there was also a night where Mark woke up in the wee hours to watch a football match (think it was the World Cup??). The EXACT same scenario played out and it was uncanny... i.e. I woke up for a pee break and then went to join him in the living room while he was watching a match. He gave me the very same sulky face as the team he was supporting was losing.

I am really scared... In my mind, it bothers me a great deal whether history would repeat itself once more. Is this some sort of a sign?? I am really confused, especially with all the medical problems I am facing now. Is this pregnancy going to end up like the earlier ones?

I have been praying hard, really really hard, for a different outcome this time. Please let this baby be ours to keep... pretty please.

Gestational Diabetes

I received not so good news from Dr Anu on the results of my Glucose Tolerance Test (GTT). I have developed gestational diabetes and clearly, it is a real cause of concern, in addition to the multitude of other problems I have. Natually, my medical bill is set to sky rocket even further.

Got to admit that I wasn't really surprised when Dr Anu broke the news to me... I guess it is because I have been aware for years that I am predisposed to diabetes since I have first degree relatives (i.e. mom and sis) who have diabetes. Besides, I also have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), which is another risk factor. Recently, I had been experiencing extreme thirst, frequent urination, low energy levels and fatique, which I had put down to changes in my body due to pregnancy, but apparently it's not.

Dr Anu made an appointment for me to see the endocrinologist (aka doctor specialising in diabetes) tomorrow. She's already prepped me briefly on what is in store for me... Measuring my blood sugar level a few times daily (involves pricking my finger for a drop of blood) **swoon**; monitoring of diet (cutting down of carbohydrates) **gasp of horror** I loooove my pasta/ rice/ noodles/ potatos; no more fruit juices and fizzy drinks (Adios, Sprite/ Coke/ Florida orange juice). Good thing I don't have a sweet tooth and not into chocolates... I have to give lollies a miss too. Guess I'd also be prescribed with Metformin, an anti-diabetic drug.

If all these basic measures don't work, then it'd mean (more) injections for me... Insuline jabs to be exact. **Sighhhh** I am taking it all in with a positive mindset. I don't care how much pain I have to go through physically, so long as little bun is fine. I have long learnt that physical pain is in no way comparable to emotional pain, and I'd take physical pain over emotional pain anytime.

On a more cheerful note, little bun is fine, and the condition of my cervix is still good (i.e. closed and no funneling). Am just happy and contented with the little blessings in my life...

Glucose Tolerance Test

I had my Glucose Tolerance Test done yesterday morning... Was told to fast from 12 midnight onwards and show up at the clinic at 8.30am. First the nurse took my blood and then gave me a choice between a chilled or room tempertature glucose drink (naturally I opted for the chilled one) which I had to down within 10min. Then I had to stick around and wait for 2 hours before the nurse took more blood from me. This is done to determine how well the body can process the glucose.

The taste of the glucose drink was rather strange.. like a slightly medicated and decarbonated fizzy drink. Dr Anu warned me that it tasted horrid, but I thought it was bearable. Funny tasting but still within my 'acceptable' threshold (though I'd prefer not to have to gulp it down ever again).

The result of the GTT should be ready when I see Dr Anu later. It's going to be a rather long afternoon at the hospital later cos I have to go for my cervical scan and then followed by the appointment with Dr Anu (and little bun!!).

IVIG (#3)

My worry came true... yesterday wasn't my last IVIG treatment. The doctor said that my body seems to be reacting and adapting to the medication well to be on the safe side, she'd want me to continue with it for at least 2 more rounds till the stage where the pregnancy will be viable. I was told by the doctor that most of her patients continue to do it until their 7th month of pregnancy.

While I was there, there was another pregnant lady there undergoing IVIG too. Her pregnancy is much further along (around 6 months plus, I think) and I overheard her conversation with the nurse that she only needs to undergo another one IVIG at the end of June.

During the 4.5 hours I was there, my parents paid me a surprise visit. They too were at the hospital for their own respective check-ups and after theirs was done, they came to see me. I think my mom was shocked when she saw me with the IV tubes. I did tell her previously about IVIG, but didn't let her know it was done through IV infusions as I didn't want her to worry. I could see the concern and panic on her face. I made them leave after a short time cos mom was begining to bombard me with questions.

As the IVIG lasted through lunch, I was prepared to have a late lunch after it was completed. The Senior Staff Nurse gave me a huge surprise by buying me my favourite noodles for lunch (in the morning while we were chatting casually, I mentioned to her my favourite stall at the hospital food court). It touched me greatly. I plan to bring over afternoon tea for her and her nurses one of these days.

I initially wanted to do the Glucose Tolerance Test (GTT) this morning, but as it was raining, I decided to postpone it till tomorrow. Hopefully it is a false alarm and everything will turn out fine.

Tomorrow is my 3rd, and hopefully also the final, IVIG injection. The 4 to 5 hours spent sitting in the chair with the IV drips sticking into my hand is not exactly comfortable and exciting. Most importantly, what concerns me the most is the astronomical cos of each pop of that drug. S$2400 per pop a month for 3 months really burns a big hole in Mark's wallet. But hey, I wouldn't have it any other way as long as the doctors say it'd give my pregnancy a better chance. Not a guarantee, mind you... just a chance. But a chance is what I need... it is what little bun needs.

Hoping that when I see the hematologist tomorrow morning, she will tell me this is the last of my IVIGs. I know from the nurses that some pregnant women go through with the monthly IVIGs all the way until the month they deliver.

According to the scans done yesterday, little bun is now slightly over 10cm long; and according to what I have read on the internet, his/ her weight is around that of an apple. When the sonographer was measuring the length of my cervice, she froze the screen and with a giggle, pointed out to me "Hey, look, your baby is stretching its legs!!". When I looked at the screen, I saw a distinctive little outstretched leg pressing against the wall of the amniotic sac. She printed it out and gave it to me as keepsake.

It seems that somewhere in that grey and black image is my bladder (which was rather full) and also my cervix. I could make out the black blob which is my bladder, but couldn't figure out where the cervix is (??!!). Anyway, Dr Anu told me that my cervical length is around 4cm and shows no signs of funneling, so all is good for now.

The only thing that is of concern is that my sugar levels seem high from the urine test taken. To be on the safe side, Dr Anu ordered a round of tests for me next Friday... I'd need to fast for 8 hours prior to the test. Just hope it is a false alarm cos I really do not need any extra problems added on. Other than this, Dr Anu prescribed 'as much rest as possible' from now on and ordered that there should be 'no more extended shopping trips'. I assured her that with the pain and numbness in my left leg, any long periods of walking/ standing is almost impossible.

I was so totally relieved after seeing that all is well with little bun... It is the best way to start off the weekend.

Getting ready for my appointment with Dr Anu and little bun... Excitement and fear; anticipation and dread all rolled into one big bag of emotions.

Amanda's mommy texted me this morning to tell me about a programme at noon on Channel News Asia about fertility and pregnancy. I watched it of course... the programme covers 3 real life accounts of couples who faced various challenges with fertility. The thing to note is at the end of the day, all 3 couples were blessed with their own healthy bundle of joy. I hope that like them, Mark and I will have my own bundle of joy and happy ending to share with the world at the end of the day. I cried through most part of the 30min programme because I really empathise with these couples, i.e. how they went through the roller coaster of emotions during their fertility sessions, and then I am green with envy when these couples successfully conceive and deliver healthy babies. The words that each of these couples use to describe their respective 'gifts' are the same - 'Grateful' and 'Blessed'.

I have always wondered, and I am still wondering why is my road to motherhood fraught with so many obstacles? Why can't I just be a normal female who can fall pregnant easily, and then have a smooth pregnancy which would result in a brawling baby at the end of 40 weeks? What makes me so 'special' and 'different' from other women? What exactly is wrong with me?

Having withdrawal symptoms... I have spent every moment of the last 4 days with Mark (he took the day off on Monday and it was a public holiday yesterday), and he's gone back to work today. It may seem weird, but I miss his presence. Even though we may not always be at the same part of the house the past few days, I enjoy being able to shout "I love you" to him from the bedroom when he is in the living room and hearing his muffled response in return. I enjoy being able to have a quick snuggle with him anytime I feel like it. I like to see the way he tries so hard to convince me to take a nap just so that he can play his game/ watch his movie in peace. Haa!

I should have had my weekly date with little bun yesterday, but since it was a public holiday, our date has been postponed to Friday. Nothing will give me more comfort than to see/ hear little bun's heartbeat, and to know that he/she is growing well inside me. Because of my lack of pregnancy symptoms this time round (which I should probably be grateful for), I feel extra uncertain of this pregnancy because to put it simply, I just don't feel that I am pregnant. Moreover, old wives tale have it that the more pregnancy symptoms that one have (i.e. food craving, nausea, etc), the more stable the pregnancy is. So this thought is constantly creeping into my mind.