My Resignation Letter (to God)

This morning when I checked my email, I recevied a forwarded email from an ex-client of mine... Thought I'd share it here cos I find it rather meaningful. Normally, I'd delete this type of forwarded mails without paying much attention to it, but part of the first sentence caught my attention i.e. 'I wanted to quit my life'. I chuckled sardonically when I read that... It was such a nice, objective and philosophical way of putting an otherwise very ugly truth into perspective!!

I wonder what I'd write in my own 'resignation letter' to God... Below is my attempt at my 'resignation letter to God'... It is modified from the resignation letter that I'd recently prepared for my boss at work.

Dear God,

Please accept this letter as my X months notice of resignation. My last day will be dd/mm/yy.

In view of the recent challenges that were presented to me, this honestly wasn't a very difficult decision to make. Nonetheless, I am immensely grateful for the 33 years of rewarding life I've had, although the latter part of those 33 years was pretty tough. I have enjoyed living under your professional guidance and appreciate all the support and opportunities (not the challenges though) that you have given to me.

As I near the end of my journey on the secular plane, I sincerely thank you for all the people, things and opportunities that you have blessed me with. Most of all, I thank you for giving me 2 Angels, both of whom I will be reuniting with once my journey here is finished.

This will be the gist of it, but it still needs some tweaking definitely.

Below is the extract of the email that I received.

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One day I decided to quit. I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality...

I wanted to quit my life.

I went to the woods to have one last talk with God. "God", I asked, "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"His answer surprised me..."Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?" "Yes", I replied."When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.

In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. He said."In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit. In year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. I would not quit." He said.

"Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant... But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall. It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."

He asked me, "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots". "I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you.""Don't compare yourself to others." He said. "The bamboo had a different Purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful.""Your time will come", God said to me. "You will rise high"

"How high should I rise?" I asked."How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return."As high as it can?" I questioned."Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can." I left the forest and brought back this story. I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you.

I came across an article in the supplementary section of today's newspaper... In 'Mind Your Body', there is a short write-up on 'Men too suffer miscarriage blues'. In summary, a group of researchers from Hong Kong did a study on the impact of miscarriages on men after their partner suffers a miscarriage.

The article goes on to explain that 'while it was previously thought that miscarriages did not affect men much because they did not bond with their unborn children, investigators have reported that men also report feelings of loss, sadness and helplessless. They do, however, appear to recover more quickly than women.' The study also found that men were more likely to be optimistic about the possibility of future pregnancies than women.

On the part where the study concluded that 'men appear to recover more quickly than women', I am doubtful... They should see how my poor husband still sheds tears for our two Angels, even until today. They should see the effort he made in getting those pink roses for Chloe on her anniversary while I was out of town. They should hear how he says 'good night' to Lucas and Chloe every night.

Resigned to reality, yes... Recovered? No, not yet.

What's wrong?

I had assumed that all the travelling and hectic work schedule in the past month had created havoc and messed up my system, which resulted in me missing my period. Well, it is puzzling me now because I still have not got my period after completing the course of medication, but neither am I pregnant (sadly). Previously, the medication used to take no more than 2 days to take effect, but strangely, today is already day #4 and there is no sign of anything happening. To make things worse, I am stacking on the kilos to the extent that even Mark noticed.

So what's wrong (or rather, what's right)??

It's not my birthday yet, at least not for another week but I have received my first (and second) birthday presents already! They are from my little sister who knew how much I liked the stuff from Willow Tree.

There were 5 individually and identically wrapped packages in total, and I was permitted to unwrap 2 of them. The other 3 I will only open on the actual day. So far I am loving what I have received... another 2 to add on to my small, but growing collection!!

This figurine of a mother holding her swaddled up infant is called 'Angel of Mine'.

The second one is of small child reaching up to hug his mother. It is called 'Child's Touch'. This particular figurine made me think of Lucas, and I cannot stop myself from stroking the little boy's head.

I am really excited what other surprises await me behind the remaining 3 packages and am counting down excitedly...

Yesterday morning, Mark and I went out to have our breakfast and at the same time do some banking as well as grocery shopping. It was an otherwise routine and uneventful day when a familiar melody stopped me in my tracks. It was 'Chloe's song' playing in one of the shops!

It may seem silly but I felt that it was Chloe letting me know that she's with me.

I came out of the shower to see Mark with his eyes red and tears forming. To see my husband in this state is really not a nice feeling because he is usually the strong and happy-go-lucky one. He came over to hug me and whispered to me that he misses Chloe.

I know darling, I know... cos I miss her too.

Mimosa

Yesterday evening, I saw a father and son standing in the middle of a grass patch... The father was squatting next to his son, and they seem to be entranced by something on the ground. As the gap between us closed, I realized what they were doing. The father was showing his little boy the mimosa plant, and how the leaves fold up when touched. The little boy was poking his fingers at the plants and he laughed gleefully when the leaves closed up upon his touch.

Insignificant as this may seem, but this brought back memories of my own childhood when my dad 'introduced' me to the mimosa. Can't exactly remember where it was, but I am sure dad was the one who showed me how 'fun' it was to 'play' with this plant (some people may refer it as a weed). Now that I am (a lot) older, I still find myself unconsciously touching the mimosa with my fingers or toes whenever I see them... I guess it is a part of my childhood, and an unique experience that I shared with dad. It is something that I'd probably have clean forgotten about if not for the chance encounter yesterday.

Then it got me wondering... Will I ever get the chance to do the same with my child?

I was expecting to get my period around the 9th or 10th of July, but there are no signs of it till now. Naively, I thought there may be a chance that I'd be able to surprise Mark on his birthday with a positive result. That'd be the best birthday present that I can give to him (and me). In my mind, I had already planned how I was going to break the news to him during his birthday celebration. However, 3 pregnancy tests later, all with the same negative result, there's no such chance.

The disappointment was hard to accept cos I was pinning a lot of hopes on it. Sigh...

Happy Birthday to my Other Half

I was too busy to blog during the week due to work, and the weekend was even busier with Mark's birthday celebration that spans over 2 days. I didn't have time to get him any birthday present, instead, I took him for a nice stay in a hotel. The extra 'bonus' was that as it coincided with the National Day rehearsals, we were lucky to be able to catch the fireworks display right in front of our room balcony!!

We had a sumptuous dinner in the room... complete with foie gras, wagyu beef!!

The hotel also has the loveliest flowers... one of my favourites in fact... Hydrangeas!!! I didn't know they came in white, and I think they are gorgeous, simple and understated. I told Mark that these are the flowers that I'd like to be used at my funeral. Seriously.

* * * * * * * * *

It was an 'almost perfect' weekend/ birthday celebration according to Mark... It'd be perfect only if we were celebrating as a family rather than as a couple.

Mark broke the news to me this morning over breakfast that one of our friend's wife is expecting again... I say 'again' because they just had a baby last May. Their #2 is due this October. Mark said that his friends had kept it from us because they didn't want me to be sad, but there's no choice that they have to tell us now because we invited them over to our place for Mark's mini birthday dinner celebration tomorrow.

I do appreciate their thoughtfulness and sensitivity... and I am happy for them. But I don't deny that once again, I am asking myself 'Why?'. Why not me? Why did I lose Lucas and Chloe? Why aren't I pregnant yet?

I tried to knock some sense into myself and make myself feel better reminding myself of what I have and to count my blessings. Truly I did try, but it only succeed in making me feel worse.