Going off soon for my appointment with little bun!! I hope he/she has grown since last week cos my weight had remained strangely constant for the past 1 month. Little bun weighed slightly over 400g when I did my scan 2 weeks ago, and accordin to literature that I have read on the internet, he/she should be putting on between 70g-100g each week. This means that little bun should be weighing around 550g now. Can't believe how light that is... like a large mango.. or umm.. 5 packets of the 100g salted plums that I have been eating.

I came across this information on the internet - At this present stage where I am in, there is only a small chance that little bun can survive outside my womb. For the next 4 weeks, every additional day that little bun remains in my womb increases his/her survival rate by approximately 3%. After that, the survival rate jumps to 80-90 percent. THAT is exactly what I am going to aim for.. and anything more than that will be a true blessing.

Apparently many other factors can affect the chances of a baby's survival in the event of a premature (God, I truly hate this word!!) birth. If membranes (aka waterbag) rupture prior to 24 weeks, the baby has less of a chance than if the membranes stay intact (due to the likelihood of infection). (Sigh... this is exactly what happened with poor, sweet Chloe... she wasn't even given the chance to fight for her life because my waterbag broke at exactly 24 weeks when I was pregnant with her. To be able to reach and successfully pass the 24 weeks mark is going to be a true milestone for me.)

Begging for additional strength, conviction and faith to see little bun and I sail uneventfully through the days till the end of August.

Friends of ours (a couple) suggested on going away together for a short break over the weekend just before National Day. We are thinking of either going to a resort in Bintan, Indonesia or somewhere in Malaysia, possibly Port Dickson. I thought it'd be quite a fun thing to do, and Mark can use this time to chill and unwind from work as he'd been quite busy and stressed up lately. If this pregnancy goes as planned, this will also be the last 'couple holiday' for Mark and I.

Mark and I had been discussing it over the past 2 days. While I am rather interested to go for it, Mark isn't keen on the idea because he is worried about little bun and I. Frankly, his worry is not totally unfounded. The unspoken question between us is - What if something happens when we are in a foreign country?

Up till now, we still have not gotten back to our friends with an answer yet. How??

After 'complaining' about my interrupted sleep in the previous post, I had a surprisingly good and uninterrupted night of sleep yesterday, i.e. no tossing and turning, no waking up in the wee hours for my pee break, no Hershey jumping onto the bed and flopping down on my leg/legs, no snoring orchestra beside me, etc. I slept through the night soundly until Mark woke me up early this morning to go for my appointment at the Diabetic Clinic.

Previously my appointment with the doctor at the Diabetic Clinic is once every fortnight. Today, the doctor agreed to lengthen it to every 3 weeks because he said I have been behaving myself and watching my diet. So far the blood glucose level (bgl) reading that I take at home 3 days per week for 7 times a day is looking pretty decent. The 'summary' report of my bgl for the past 3 months is 5.4, which is in the 'ideal' range. I was sent home with a 'Please continue to do what you have been doing and watch your diet carefully'.

Am pretty pleased with the outcome and will definitely do my best to continue to control my cravings... Actually I was just telling Mark the other day that I know for sure my 'cravings' are not pregnancy-related. Rather, my 'cravings' are really me being greedy and wanting to eat things that I know I should not and cannot eat, e.g. ice-cream, frozen yoghurt, durians (this is an on-going one), cakes, chocolates. Good thing that I am not hankering for fizzy drinks although I was told that I can have Coke Light or Coke Zero. I guess in this instance, mine is a 'mental issue' more than anything, and definitely a case of 'mind over matter'!! Before I was told that I have gestational diabetes, I have never thought of eating these things (other than durians).

Credit also has to go to Mark because he is sooooo strict in monitoring my diet. There had been times when I wonder if he's trying to starve me to death...

I am getting closer and closer to the stage of the pregnancy where I lost Chloe, and admittedly I am getting increasingly worried about it. I desperately need to cross this hurdle uneventfully and keep at it for at least another 6 to 8 weeks thereafter in order to give little bun a good chance at survival. Unfortunately, there can be no compromise... anything lesser that, we'd most certainly lose little bun. Now that we have gotten this far in the pregnancy, we are reaching the 'make it or break it' stage where it'd make all the difference between holding an angel or holding a baby. The stakes are high and while I am prepared to do the best I can for little bun,at all cost, most of it is beyond my control and it is in the control of the big guy up there.

For the last 10 odd days, I have been waking up at around 4am to 5am and unable to fall back to sleep until daybreak. Wonder if it is because I am stressed over this. I am praying fervently for another uneventful 2 months ahead...

The good news is my cervical length remains unchanged, i.e over 4cm and there's no funneling. The other news is I didn't get to see the new doctor. Well, it certainly wasn't from the lack of effort on my part. I waited for over an hour to see her (excluding the 1 hour I had already waited to do my cervical scan), and when it was reaching my turn, the nurse said that the doctor had to go off to deliver a baby and I would have to wait until she gets back before she can see me.

Rather than waiting on indefinitely (I have no clue how long it'd take to deliver a baby, but from the little that I do know, I am sure it's not going to be over in 30min), I opted to cancel the appointment and reschedule it for the following Thursday. Anyway the important thing is that my cervical length had been checked and it is looking decent, my blood pressure is good, I saw little bun moving about and I heard his/her heartbeat (which sounds to me like a horse galloping).

Little bun and I shared a very special and magical moment last evening. I was reclining in bed watching TV while waiting for Mark to return home from work and I felt little bun moving around a fair bit inside my tummy. Over the past fortnight, I have noticed that little bun is usually more active in the evenings and just before my bedtime.

Anyway, I was absent-mindedly stroking and patting my tummy when I felt a vigorous movement from little bun, just like he/she was responding to my patting!! I looked down at my belly and I could actually see little jerking movements going on right under my skin... my belly had a life of its own (well, literally speaking, my belly does indeed have a life of its own)!! This to-ing and fro-ing between little bun and I went on for a few seconds while I stared at my belly in amazement. I actually giggled out aloud because it looks and feels so strange, yet so magical.

I am thankful that little bun and I had shared this special bonding moment over the skin (ok, and fats) of my tummy... It is a truly wonderful feeling, and a moment that I'd always treasure.

Got to get ready to go for my appointment with little bun soon... I do feel a bit uneasy about the check-up today because 1) I'd be seeing another doctor and not my usual security blanket, i.e. Dr Anu 2) Mark woke me up this morning to tell me something rather unsettling. He reads his horoscope every morning while going through papers and he told me that his horoscope today does not bode well on the home front. Hmmm.....

Mark read the post that I had put up on Monday about me coming up with a list of potential names for little bun. This earned me a rare, reproachful stare plus a short 'lecture' from him. He told me in no uncertain terms that I should give it a rest for now and start thinking about it only when things are stable. Guess he doesn't want to jinx things now that we are at a rather crucial stage of the pregnancy.

Little bun's naming project will be shelved for the next 8 weeks.

My weekly meeting with little bun is slightly delayed this week from Tuesday to Thursday because Dr Anu went on vacation and the other doctor whom I am supposed to see during her absence only conducts clinics on Thursdays. Although the wait is only 2 days, I already feel that it's too much to bear!! I guess it's very comforting whenever the check-up and scan goes well as it is an assurance to me on little bun's well-being. Too many things can go wrong, and being the paranoid person that I am, I conjure up new things to fret over on a daily (no, make it hourly) basis.

I had a rare outing by myself earlier today (with Mark's reluctant consent). After barely 30 minutes of walking around, I had a sudden attack of dizzy spell which scared me. I rarely get dizzy, and this episode was so bad and so sudden that I was almost going to ask someone around me for help. Alas, there wasn't anyone near me cos it was rather early and the mall was still quiet. I was feeling breathless and suffocated, broke out in cold sweat, felt nauseous, etc... made it to a bench and sat there for a while to recover. Was rather puzzled by it but I guess it's probably low sugar or perhaps the ventilation of the mall wasn't good since they just opened.

I don't know what made me realize it sbsequently, but I discovered the reason for my 'fainting spell'. I was wearing a top from my pre-pregnancy days, and it was rather snug around the chest/upper abdomen area. When I put it on in the morning, it still fits me comfortably, but after my breakfast with Mark, it became a bit too snug for comfort. I reckon this is what caused my fainting episode. Well, at least I have an excuse to purchase a new (loose-fitting) top!! As soon as I changed into the new top, I felt a whole lot better... I can breathe!!

Lesson learnt... sometimes I amaze myself with the crap I get myself into. This is certainly not the first time, and it definitely won't be the last either.

Names.. Names... Names.... (Part I)

I still have not found any 'inspiration' on the naming front. I am not fretting over it yet cos I hope it'd still be another couple of months before the name is needed. However, I have already started to keep a look out without Mark's knowledge, which makes things even more difficult because it means that I cannot discuss ideas/ options with him. Mark is still being very cautious about the pregnancy and while he is keeping the faith, he is reluctant to plan too much in advance. I think I am just being overly anxious and excited... and also because I know it'd take me a while to find some names that I really like and that fits all my criterion before I present the shortlisted names to Mark for discussion and selection. One of my flaws/virtues (depending on how one looks at it) is that I like to plan and prepare in advance. Admittedly, being well-prepared doesn't always work in my favour... sometimes it's better to just go with the flow.

I have already got a shortlist that I am pretty pleased with for one gender where I have a front-runner name that I really like plus some backup contenders in case Mark doesn't like what I have picked. It is the names for the other gender that is giving me a headache (and if my eyes didn't fool me, this is little bun's gender). So far nothing seems suitable... I have scoured through the internet for ideas, but haven't gotten an 'eureka moment' per se. Hence the search continues on (though it'd be a lot more helpful if Mark is open to discussion).

My criterion is quite simple actually... The name should preferably (in order of importance):

• Have got a nice meaning behind it
• Be unique but not over the top
• Complement well with the surname 'Lee'
• Have a 'money bag' alphabet (i.e. j, g, y, q)
• Be of one or two syllables

If all else fails, I think little bun may end up being named 'Lee Tle Bun' and I can call him/her 'Bunnie' in short. BOL...

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**Warning**

The rest of this post is a 'rant', just need to get things off my chest.

I have mentioned in one of my previous posts earlier this year that Mark has a bigoted friend whom I can just barely tolerate. Well, to be fair, he's always been nice and polite to me, and for Mark's sake, I always try to be friendly, courteous and I bite my tongue when what I really want to do is bite that guy's head off. Let's call him Mr 'My Balcony is Bigger than Your Living Room'. I think my issue with him stems from the following (hey, at least my biases are justified):

1. He talks/behaves very arrogantly (As you can probably tell from the nickname I have given to him) E.g. my house is worth $X amount/ it is a DBSS/ it is very big/ I only need 5 min to travel into CBD/ it's got magnificient views of the city and then of course there's the infamous 'my balcony is bigger than your living room' (what he said repeatedly to us and our other guests when we first invited him over for our housewarming)
2. He carries his wife's handbag (Yes, this is my pet peeve. How can anyone take a guy seriously when he is carrying a handbag on his shoulder??)
3. He loves to compare himself with Mark (E.g. I have got this XXX certification and you don't/ I have already reached XYZ level of this game and earned ZZ trophies, what about you?)
4. He brags a lot (I am just citing this one out of the numerous since this is one of the most recent) E.g. my brother-in-law is giving me this set of expensive speakers for my new home.. blah blah blah... If I were Mark, I'd have responded "Oh good, then you can amplify the sound of your own voice when you are blowing your own trumpet".)
5. He likes to talk down to people who he deem are 'inferior' to him

Well, he and his wife recently had a baby and they named her 'Charlotte'. It is a name that I have always liked (right after 'Chloe'). I favour girl names that begin with 'C' or 'Ch' because it is the first 2 initials of my maiden name (and I favour boy names that begin with 'L' because Mark's surname is 'Lee', which explains Lucas' name). I also like 'Charlotte' because I find it very sweet and girly, and I really like the character of Charlotte in 'Charlotte's Web' ever since I read it in school. When I was asked to come up with a name for my god-daughter earlier this year, 'Charlotte' was one of the 2 shortlisted options. It was actually the front-runner, but both my brother-in-law and Mark preferred 'Rynnae', hence we settled on that.

Admittedly, at the back of my mind, this is one of the few shortlisted names I had in mind for little bun (assuming if it's a 'girl bun'). Obviously now this has to be scrapped. Bummer... talk about coincidence. Hmmmph!!!

Goodbye June... Hello July

Goodbyeeeee June... Helloooo July!!!

Mark and I (and even Dr Anu) have been walking on eggshells for all of the 30 days in June cos based on our track record, June is not the best time of the year for us. Thankfully, we have been very blessed and the month of June 2011 was smooth and uneventful. With that said, of course this does not mean that we can be complacent cos we are fully aware that anything can happen at anytime, especially when we least expect it.

I have actually subconsciously segmented this pregnancy into portions of 'hurdles to pass'... e.g. the first hurdle will be to locate the heartbeat and know that there is indeed a live foetus inside my womb AND implanted at the correct place/ to sail through the 1st trimester and proceed into the 2nd trimester/ to pass the OSCAR screening/ to be able to pass 14 weeks (the stage of pregnancy where I lost Lucas)/ to 'survive' the month of June 2011/ to pass the 20 weeks detailed screening/ to progress into the 3rd trimester/ to pass 24 weeks (the stage of pregnancy where I lost Chloe)/ to reach at least 28 to 30 weeks (the stage of pregnancy where little bun will have a good chance of survival outside of my womb/ to pass the 32 weeks screen/ etc... (I have learnt not to count my chickens before they are hatched, so I stopped planning too far ahead).

I hope July will be as smooth and as non-eventful as June. ***crossing fingers***