It feels rather strange... now there is no need to wake up early to dress and go to work; no more early morning and late night conference calls; no need to rush to office or back home to take conference calls; no more calling up different countries to chase for information; no need to travel; no need to rush for deadlines, etc... All of a sudden, a large part of my life is missing.

It's not that I am complaining about it, just that the feeling takes some getting used to. Since this is only day 2 of my self-imposed break, the sudden lack of 'things that needs to be done' is quite refreshing. I just hope that I don't get overly bored.

To be honest, I am missing my colleagues already. Many of them have worked with me for many years, and we have done many projects and braved many storms together. Many of them have sent me emails after receiving news of my rather sudden departure. Many of the emails touched me so much that they made me cry. I would never have thought that some of my 'tough' male colleagues who appear uber cool at work are capable of writing such poignant emails.

Now that the die has been cast, I can only look forward now and remember the at the past with much fondness. I do hope to take this break to find my old self. I miss the old me, and I think Mark does too.

Amanda will soon be turning 1 in a week's time, and I just saw a video her mom took of her making her first unaided steps. The way she wobbled unsteadily towards her daddy was so adorable... and I wonder whether if Chloe is with us now, would she have learnt to walk already? What'd her first words be? Would she have a head full of hair, or be quite bald like how I was in my early years?

I don't know if I can ever say this enough times, but I miss my Chloe (and of course Lucas too) so much. What do I have to do in order to hold their hands, kiss their cheeks and hear their chuckles?

Resignation...

I did it at finally... Today I tendered my resignation with immediate notice, meaning today is officially my last day with a company whom I have been working in for almost 10 years. (To anyone who had said/ thought I'd never do it, I'd like to say 'up yours!'). I think I have reached breaking point and I know that I wouldn't be able to hold out any longer if I continue on. For the sake of my life and my sanity, there is no other recourse.

My boss, I couldn't have hoped for a better boss. He came over to the house to see if I was ok, and of course talk to me to tie up any loose ends. Ultimately, he was very understanding to my plight and told me if I ever needed a job in future, I could go to him. I just feel so guilty to give him additional problems and for being such a disappointment. I will miss working under him and I doubt I'd ever find a boss who'd be half as good and understanding as he is. Furthermore, I will miss my colleagues too... most of them I have worked with for a long time.

Don't know what the future holds for me (and Mark)... Financially, it'd definitely be an uphill struggle because we go from being a dual income household to a single income household overnight. Furthermore, fertility treatments will also have to be halted because of the expenses...

Overall, my life is in shambles and it will have to continue on like this for a while until I can 'find myself'. I am looking for inner peace and for what I really want in life.

Happy 1st Birthday to my Little Girl

To my Dearest Daughter - Chloe,

14 October,was supposed to have been your EDD, and it should have been your first birthday today. Unfortunately, Mummy brought you into this world 16 weeks too early and your date of birth/ date of death became 26 June.

How I dearly wish that today is a day filled with joy and much laughter, rather than feeling the pain, dread and gloom. How I wish Daddy and Mummy can take you and little Lucas to a toy store and let you pick out any toy that catches your fancy. How I wish I can buy you a birthday cake in pretty pink. How I wish I can hold your tiny hands, kiss your cheeks and sit you on my lap; one lap for you, the other lap for Lucas. How I wish I can drop everything right now and be with you and Lucas.

It's been 16 long months since I last held you, kissed you and bade you farewell. That pain is still as strong, if not stronger, but I have learnt to disguise it much better, especially in the last 6 months. But since last evening, something inside me snapped. I cannot stop crying and the pain in my heart is so bad that it makes me breathless. I have cried my eyes swollen and I don't think I have any more tears left in me.

Sweetheart, Daddy and I want you (and Lucas too) to know that we are both missing you two a lot, and we think about you all the time. Not a day has gone by without us saying your names, and not a moment has gone by without us wishing that you are here.

Happy 1st Birthday, Princess Chloe...

we hope that our little girl is having the most wonderful and perfect birthday celebration in heaven with her big brother.

Sending You Never Ending Love, Hugs and Kisses,

Daddy & Mummy

I conclude that I have indeed jumped from the pot and into the fire on the work front. Every day is a struggle with this new project that I am doing, and I dread waking up every morning because it means another long and arduous day at work. To think of it, I haven't worked from home for quite a number of days...

Well there's no other choice but to keep with it because I need the money for the freakingly expensive fertility treatments (and I am not even talking about IVF), and I don't know how long it will go on for.

BBQ Pork Buns...

So, I have been hearing and reading in the media that 10 October 2010 (10/10/10) is an lucky day. How 'lucky' can it be (for me at least) if my period came today??!!! This means I have wasted yet another month, yet another $1300 on treatments and medication, yet another month of dashed hopes... I think I have been disappointed so many times I am rather numb to that kind of pain now.

This morning Mark and I took my parents for a dim sum brunch at a local hotel. This place holds very special memories for me because Mark and I went there on many weekends when I was expecting Chloe. At that time, I (or perhaps it was Chloe??) was hopelessly addicted to their BBQ pork buns, so much so that I could eat 4 of those buns in one sitting, in addition to the standard bowl of congee, my favourite shrimp dumplings, pan fried turnip cake, glutinous rice wrapped in lotus leaf... I recall that Mark had a field day telling everyone about my '4 BBQ pork buns' story.

Somehow I am not so crazy about the BBQ pork buns anymore. They don't seem to taste the same as before and are not as good. Perhaps they tasted better when we went there with Chloe because at that point in time, our lives were moving in the right direction (or so we thought), so anything and everything tasted heavenly.

Now that my life has been turned topsy-turvy, there is a tinge of bitterness in everything that comes into my path.

I have a gut feeling that what I dread will soon happen, i.e. getting my period. I have been getting some of my usual symptoms. I guess once again, Lady Luck abandoned me... somehow I keep reassuring myself that if you are already in the pits, the ONLY way left to go is up. However this rationale does not seem to be proving itself at all, at least not to me.

Last night while I was channel surfing and watching some random Hong Kong drama serial on the telly, one of the characters said this:

命运无法改，

但运气可以改

In short, it means that one cannot change his fate, but he can change his luck. Can someone please enlighten me how I can change my luck for the better?? My streak of bad luck should/ must be ending soon right?

Yay... I am finally going home tonight!! I haven't been sleeping properly the past 2 nights (it takes me a few sleeps to get used to a new environment, and being in 2 different hotels/ cities in the same number of days is not really helping my cause). My schedule the past 2 days have been very hectic, rushing from airport to hotel to office... and to add to my weight loss woes, my dinners the past 2 nights have been very late! Past 9pm on Monday and at 10.30pm yesterday.

Today is day 12 post ovulation. There are 2 possible outcomes: 1) I will get my period in 2-3 days OR 2) I don't my period because I have succeeded (obviously opton 2 is my preferred outcome!!). Don't know how much more disappointment I can put up with, so please God, please, please, please let it work this time.

Over brunch earlier on, Mark and I ended up discussing our nephews and nieces. I have a 3 year old nephew and a 7 (or is it 8??) year old niece from my side, and Mark has a 6 year old nephew and a niece who will be arriving in about 4 month's time. Both of us have taken a back seat in lives of our nephews and niece. While we do love them, buy them stuff and have a decent relationship with them, let's just say that it's not something remarkable or something that's worth mentioning. I guess it's because neither of us made any effort at all... we simply lost interest after losing Lucas and it exacerbated after we lost Chloe.

Something that Mark said hit the nail on the head. It may sound callous, but the reason for our loss of interest is because our mentality now is that our nephews and niece have their own parents to take care of them and to love them, whereas Lucas and Chloe don't even get the chance to be doted on by us, and to savour how it feels to be in the arms of their mommy/ daddy.

A sudden idea came to my mind out of the blue and it became the 'inspiration' for today's post. This morning as I was engrossed in my ouwn thoughts while preparing chicken porridge for Hershey (helps in her diarrhea) and I started wondering whether if one can trade or sell his/ her soul to the devil, in exchange for something of course.

In the fanciful tale of Dr. Faustus, a man makes a deal with the devil: in exchange for his body and soul, the man is to receive supernatural power and pleasures for 24 years. The devil agrees to the trade, and Dr. Faustus enjoys the pleasures of sin for a season, but his doom is sealed. At the end of 24 years, Faustus attempts to thwart the devil’s plans, but he meets a frightful demise, nonetheless.

I do not need supernatural power or pleasures of sin, but IF such a thing does exist, I would love to be able to trade/ sell my soul to the devil in exchange for 24 years of life as a mother to my own child. It may not seem like a long time, but to me, it'd be well worth it and I will let the devil claim my soul after that.

I have been living a rather meaningless existence for the past 15 months and I do feel like a hollow shell without a soul on some days. Hence if there is such a tradeoff, I'd grab it with both hands (and wrap my legs around it for good measure).

Barter trade anyone???