Mark saw this Precious Moments figurine and showed it to me... I fell in love with it immediately and we agreed that this is something we just have to buy although it was quite expensive.

Thought it was apposite that there's a boy angel and a girl angel to represent our babies. I really like the expression on the boy angel's face... he looks so happy, and this is how I hope my little Lucas is feeling, regardless of where he is now.

A Message from Daddy

Dear Lucas and Chloe,

I have a special message for both of you from your Daddy. He wants me to let you know that he is thinking of you and missing you very much.

Although your Daddy doesn't tend to show his emotions much, I know that deep in his heart, he is also pining for you. Do you know that there are times when we will just hold each other and sob because we miss you both?

Hope you are missing us as much as we are missing you...

With love today and always,

Mummy (& Daddy)

I am so thankful that the weekend is only a few more hours away... I am tempted to book the BBQ pit downstairs for tomorrow evening, but am of two minds because I may feel like it now, but I may change my mind later. And then there is all the grocery shopping and marinating to do beforehand. This is how I am nowadays, very fickle-minded.

Another example of my fickle-mindedness... I am due for an appointment with my psychiatrist soon, but I am wondering if I should go as planned. I guess I am now riding on the crest of the 'high' part of my mood cycle, so I feel that I am 'okay' and I can manage... Moreover, I have been inundated with work lately and most other thoughts are pushed aside. My worry is it'd take another 4-6 weeks to book an appointment with the psychiatrist, so what should I do if the slumps return and I get all depressed and sad after I cancel the appointment?

I have another trip to Taipei coming up, so if it clashes with the appointment, then I guess it'd solve my problem for me cos I'd have no choice but to cancel it. Honestly, sometimes not having a choice is the best thing.

Missing my Little Boy

It's a over-used cliche, but seriously, how time flies. On this day two years ago (08 April 2008), I was made the happiest person alive. Exactly two years ago, I found out that I have become a mother and I proudly shared the news with Mark that we are expecting our first baby. It is hard to believe that it happened two years ago because I can still remember clearly the details of how I found out about it, how Mark reacted and how blissfully happy we were. I can clearly recall how Mark and I discussed our soon to be changed future in the car on our way home.

Our future had indeed changed from that moment on, but in a way that is beyond our wildest imagination. It should have changed for the better, but unfortunately, it changed for the worse... or rather, worst.

I miss my firstborn so much... Sometimes I can't help but wonder whether if it is because I have loved him so much that I sent him a little sister to play with in Heaven cos I cannot bear knowing that he is all alone there.

Taipei Day 02

It is a dark, rainy and dreary day in Taipei. Decided not to go out for dinner (read: shopping) because I'd rather spend the time clearing today's email back log and the rain has also put a damper on my mood.

At least I got to go to the famous 士林夜市 last evening. It is a nice experience, although a bit smelly (due to the REALLY stinko 'smelly tofu' 臭豆腐). It stank to the high heavens (and if my Lucas and Chloe are really in Heaven, I bet they can smell it too).

Taipei Day 01

So far this hasn't been one of my best days... Mark is alone at home sick and I am not there to take care of him. As it is, I already hate travelling and being away from Mark, him being sick makes it even worse for me. Then this morning the cab that I booked to take me to the airport arrived late, which gave me a mild panic attack because I was worried about missing my flight. Then while leaving the plane, I discovered that my laptop was not in the overhead compartment where I had left it. This gave me a major panic attack until I saw this guy in the front seat holding my bag. I asked him why he is holding my bag and he apologised explaining that he thought it belonged to his friend. To top it all off, when I collected my check-in bag, I found the lock damaged. It gave me another massive panic attack because I kept thinking what if someone opened my bag and took my things (not that I have any valuables, but I need to wear clothes for the next few days right?) Oh and what if the lock is jammed and the bag cannot be opened?? Anyway, I somehow managed to remove the lock without too much trouble and the things inside are well, still inside. Including the 3 boxes of chocolates that I got for my Taiwanese colleages.

It's not even the end of the day yet, so I hope the rest of the evening/ night will be better. Going out with my colleague for some shopping (Yipee... this has to be good right??) and dinner.

Only Day 01 and I am already slightly homesick.

An ex-colleague in Hong Kong have birth to her first child, a little girl, last weekend. Saw the baby pics on Facebook and her baby's got the prettiest rosebud lips I have seen. I think she'll grow up to be a real looker next time. Got her a card and present from Mothercare... this is the first time I have stepped into Mothercare in the past 10 months.

The last time I was in a Mothercare shop, I was happily pregnant and buying maternity clothes baby things for Chloe. If I am not wrong, the last thing I have bought there for Chloe is a set of pink bibs, which were eventually cremated along with her.

Stepping into Mothercare again brought back a wave of emotions. If I still had Chloe, I'd have been there buying all those cute, pretty outfits for my princess.

How I wish I am there to buy things for MY baby instead of other people's babies. How I wish I'd be on the receiving end of baby gifts and cards instead of always being the sender. It'd be nice if the card says 'To Mark and Shane' instead of 'From Mark and Shane'. How wonderful and perfect that'd be...

I had originally intended to tender my resignation yesterday, on the 01st of April no less, and even had my letter drafted. I had been counting down for about 10 days and then plans kinda changed at the last minute cos I chickened out, plus a few other reasons (or are they excuses??) too.

First and foremost, I am concerned about our finances if I do stop working for a couple of months (yup, I had intended to take a complete break for a few months, so Mark will have to be the sole breadwinner for that period). I guess I am reluctant to compromise our current lifestyle, but I know this is something that I have to deal with sooner or later.

Secondly, I am worried about the expenses that I am pouring into my fertility program. I don't know how much more it is going to cost us if things continue the way they are now cos it seems like I am not getting anywhere near my goal. I also don't know how long more I'd have to continue with these sessions. These costs will dramatically increase if we move to the more intensive stages. I am now only going through 'stage 1' of the program, and if it still doesn't work, I am keen to move to 'stage 2' sooner rather than later. The cost difference between stage 1 and stage 2 is about ten-fold or maybe more.

Stage 1 = Fertility pills plus scans

Stage 2 = Hormone injections plus scans. Each injection costs $75 and I'd need around 7-9 of the injections every cycle. We spent a little fortune going through this for 4 months before we conceived Chloe.

Thirdly, I am kinda worried that I won't be able to find a job later... I know this may seem rather senseless, but with my current job, I do like most of my colleagues and I have a very nice boss. I am sure I could be paid more, but I am not complaining either cos I am given the flexibility to work from home. I want to leave because I am just losing focus, getting worn out and feeling unhappy (with myself and my life).

Fourthly, I just feel guilty for abandoning all my colleagues while we are up to our necks with this new gargantuan project we are undertaking. It's like I am leaving them in the lurch and I feel like a 'traitor'... and it feels rather irresponsible.

I am not saying that I am shelving this thought/ intention for good, but I will try and bear with it for as long as I possibly can before I throw in the towel. At the meantime, I will try and save up as much money as possible... some lifestyle changes will be necessary:

• No impulsive purchases
• Buying only 'needs' and not 'wants'
• Eat out less at restaurants
• Grocery shopping at Giant instead of Marketplace or Cold Storage

As I had expected, there are no matured/ maturing follicles.

Am I surprised at the outcome? ... NO. Disheartened by it? ... YES. Utterly.

As the doctor put it, there is 'no one at home' (thought that was pretty funny). Well, there's no choice but to abandon this cycle and hope that the next one comes along without too much of a fuss (i.e. medication).

Waiting to be scanned... Will there be any 'developments'? I'm not holding much hope though cos I have not been lucky for a long time. Moreover, I have been told that I have to travel next week, so even if the follicles have grown, conception is rather unlikely since Mark and I will be in different places. Sigh... I really need some good news soon cos I feel that I am starting to lose hope.