A Soundless Cry for Help and Mercy

When I went back to the office on one of the days last week, I bumped into a colleague who is supposed to be on maternity leave. She came into the office with her husband brand new baby to distribute cakes for the baby's one month celebration.

It is so painful to watch the happy portrait of another person's complete family...

It is agonizing when I look at a baby being cuddled lovingly in his/her mother's arms...

It is excruciating when I realize that this is something my Angels and I will never enjoy...

It is unbearable to be reminded of my losses, and be inflicted with this 'dagger in the heart' feeling time and again.

I wonder how much longer I need to go through this torture before someone can show some mercy... or how much more my heart can stand being tormented before I finally lose it. It's been over 7 months since I first (and last) held Chloe, and over 19 months since bidding farewell to Lucas. The pain of losing them has not subsided one bit, and at the same time, my love for them has not dimished either.

Chloe's Treasure Chest

Typing out this post on Chloe's Treasure Chest is a whole lot harder than I'd expected... Because we had her for a longer time, we have more momentos of her than Lucas. We had also bought a number of things in anticipation for her arrival because we were so confident that she will be ours to keep. Looking at the photos below brought back a fresh wave of uncried tears and heartache.

Contents:

1. 

   5 Pregnancy kits... There were actually a lot more of it, but I only kept a few of them. If my memory is correct, I did at least 10 home pregnancy tests during the first week that we found out because I simply couldn't believe it. I basically tried out all the available brands in the market; the digital type (I still remember that Mark bought these ones) as well as the 'classic' kind.

2. The scans of Chloe. Interesting enough, I actually had more scan photos of Lucas than of Chloe although we had Lucas for a much shorter period of time. With Lucas, I had bleeding/ spotting from week 8 onwards, so there were a lot more scans done check on him every few days. With Chloe, the pregnancy was so easy and uncomplicated, hence we only did the routine scans.

3. The menstral chart that I kept while I was trying to conceive Chloe... basically used to track ovulation.

4. Chloe's OSCAR ('One Stop Clinic Asssessment of Risk') test results done at 12 weeks and the detailed scan results that was done at 20 weeks (this was the time when Mark and I were told that we were expecting a girl).

5. The cards that we received after we lost her.
   
   
6. 

   These are all the medical receipts that I kept during the time we were trying to conceive (begining from Oct 08) and for all the weekly gynae appointments for the first 20 odd weeks after conception (late may 09). Over this period of 8 months (Oct 08 to May 09), I amassed a medical bill of over $5k. It is excluding the eventual delivery and hospitalisation charges when I miscarried. This is partly the reason why I decided to stick to a govt. hospital this time so that I can get some reprieve from the horrendous private medical fees.

7. I feel a stabbing pain in my chest everytime I look at this piece of official looking document. It is the application/ approval form for the cremation of my princess.

8. We had bought a number of clothes for Chloe and I selected 5 'special' pieces that were cremated along with her. The above are some of the ones that I wanted to keep as a momento. They were bought on the evening on the day of the 20 week scan when we knew it was a girl.

9. The envelope contains my hospital discharge details as well as my 3 month long medical leave.

10. The 10th item on the list is not visible to the eye, but it is certainly there without any doubt... it is all the love from her daddy and mummy.
    
    

Disappointingly, I got my period and this is a clear indication that I am not pregnant. I was somehow hoping against all odds that I may be pregnant, but guess luck isn't on my side. The only good part of it is that this is my 2nd consecutive period that is not triggered by medicine, and it came almost right on schedule, which is a rarity when you have PCOS. It's a good thing I waited before I did a home pregnancy test or else I'd have wasted yet another test kit.

This feeling sucks.

Lucas's Treasure Chest

This was the previous 'Treasure Chest' for Lucas before I made the new matching one wih Chloe. When I first put together his first Treasure Chest, never in a million years would I have expected that I'd lose another baby in a year's time... and never would I have ever thought that I'd have 2 Treasure Chests (please God, 2 is more than my heart can cope with... I do not need to make any more Treasure Chests...).

Little Lucas's first 'Treasure Chest' was actually a basket from the flowers that I received when I was in hospital after I lost him. I thought it was too pretty to be thrown out after the flowers had withered, so I decided on a better purpose for it.

Contents:

1. The pregnancy kit with the big fat '+' sign.


2. These blue baby booties were given by a friend who just gave birth to a baby boy when I was thinking of how to break the good news to Mark on 07 April 2008. Eventually, we put them into a box, wrapped it up and gave them to Mark after he came back from a business trip. When he unwrapped the box and saw the booties, confusion clouded his face, but as it slowly dawned on him, the look on his face was replaced by a disbelief and then widest grin imaginable.


3. The early scans of my precious little Lucas... The one in the center was done towards the 13 week mark and he already took shape. I still cry whenever I see that scan because he was so perfectly formed and I love his little rounded tummy.


4. The results of the scans and tests that were done during the 14 weeks he was with us. The scroll that is tied with a ribbon was a poem that I wrote for him, and that ribbon was from his daddy and mummy's wedding day.


5. All the cards that we received from friends after we lost him.

This mummy is missing her little boy (and girl)...

Treasure Chests -- Part II

This is a LONG overdue instalment of my Angel's Treasure Chests... Not that I have sat on the project for that long, but the delay was because I didn't have a card reader to export the photos from the camera to my computer. Finally with Mark's help, he downloaded them for me yesterday.

I will share the contents of each chest in the next 2 days cos I am still sorting the photos out.

While it was still in the making...

The end product

This photo was taken at Mark's company D&D last Thursday (before they played Chloe's song and before I started crying).

Saturday is finally here (and almost over as I type this out), but because we have both been so busy earlier this week, there is a lot of housework that needs to be done. I've got to cook Hershey's food for the next 3 days as well as our dinner. Decided to stay eat in cos both Mark and I are not feeling well... suppose it's the flu bug. My bones are aching and my throat is hurting like mad. Drats!! What a way to spend the weekend.

Hello Princess...

For once, I know the true meaning of TGIF. Ever since Monday, all my days have been filled with meetings and entertaining from 8am to 11pm. It has worn me out both mentally and physically, and I am looking forward to the weekend to do some retail therapy and to spend time with my dear husband, who's been keeping late nights with me this whole week and chauffering me around.

Last night Mark's company had their annual D&D and although I'd much prefer to stay at home and have an early night, I agreed to accompany him because that's the least I could do for him. Moreover Mark has only been with this company for slightly over a month and they have asked him to be the emcee, so I thought I should be there to give him some moral support.

The food was delicious, the people were friendly, the place was nice and the band was good... I did enjoy myself. Just as we were preparing to leave, a few of Mark's colleagues came over and chatted with him, and at this time, the band started playing Chloe's song. Mark turned around and gave me an incredulous look... Yup, of all songs they had to pick 'that' one, and if we hadn't been delayed, we'd already have left and missed it. Mark told me that it is all predestined and it was his princess letting him know that she was there with us last night.

The walls started closing in and the air got so stuffy... I couldn't breathe and I cannot control my tears no matter how hard I tried... Oh God, I miss her so much that the pain is excruciating.

If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then
Til I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love, Me.

I didn't get a chance to blog at all over the weekend because I simply didn't have the chance to!! I meant to get a bit of household chores done on Saturday, but I (AGAIN) woke up with a slight headache which progressed as the day went by. By nightfall, it was full blown throbbing. Nevertheless, we spent some time with Mark's parents and nephew and took them out to dinner. By the time we reached home, all I had strength to do was to lie down.

Sunday was even more hectic.. in the morning we took Hershey to the park for her playdate with Chow Chow and then came back to complete the list of household chores that were supposed to be done the day before. If I still don't iron Mark's shirts, he won't have anything to wear to work this week. Ironed hard for over 3 hours and then prepared Hershey's food for this week because I will be extremely busy with work and entertaining until Thursday.

While we were at the park yesterday, Amanda started fretting in her stroller and I offered to carry her (apparently most babies sleep better if they are being carried...). She's growing up right before my eyes because everytime I see her, she looks different and bigger. She also has such beautiful long lashes and a cute rosebud mouth. It makes me wonder what Chloe would have looked like now, how she'd smell like and what will her character be like. Will she be a fiesty one or a mellow little princess?

Oh yes, and last Friday morning I went to see another doctor to ask for a 2nd opinion on the tests and results that I have done so far. This doc is pretty senior at another local hospital and he is an uncle of a friend who recommended me to him. He said that the tests that were done were pretty comprehensive and he can see nothing 'abnormal' with me. He thinks that the symptoms of my miscarriages pinpointed only to one cause - infection.

So far he is the ONLY doctor who can confidently tell me that I will not have a problem with my next pregnancy if I am being closely monitored and give antibiotics throughout the 40 weeks. I have googled him before I made the appointment to see him, and true to the feedback that I have read online, he really gave me a sense of assurance and confidence. He also asked about my job and stress level, and I honestly told him that my job will get pretty stressful in the months ahead, to which he shook his head. (Hmmm... maybe if I do get pregnant, I need to consider quitting my job?) That was what Amanda's mummy did when she found out she was pregnant with Amanda...

Anyway, seeing this other doctor gave me the 'booster shot' I needed for my confidence level. Somehow I think the 2 hours that I spent waiting to see him was well worth it. If I do get pregnant, I think I will go back to him although it'd cost a lot more.

No... time... to... blog...

Geez, the past 3 days have been nothing short of a nightmare. Isn't it great, I have nightmares when I am asleep, and I also have nightmares when I am awake!

Work has been C.R.A.Z.Y as I had anticipated... next week should be worse, but hopefully peace will reign soon.

More to update tomorrow...

Yet another set of Proud Parents, but it isn't us (again)

Babies are popping out everywhere... seems like everyone is having a baby except me. To others, getting pregnant and having a baby is a fun, enjoyable, rewarding and fruitful journey... For me, it is a journey filled with sadness, heartache, tears and painful loss. I simply cannot understand why this path had been made so difficult for me. Hello, what is it that I have done wrong?? I am sorry ok??

One of our friends from our Uni days in Melbourne became the proud daddy of a baby girl a few days back. His baby is so adorable, like most babies are. It's so amazing how a baby can take on the features of both parents and become a 'unique' individual... I find that so utterly mind-blowing. I can still remember Mark and I attended this friend's wedding 3 years ago. How come everyone who got married after us have now become parents and Mark and I are still childless? I can assure you that it certainly wasn't due to the lack of trying on our part.

I wonder how the next few months will be like for me... just received the good (??) news that we have retained one of my clients that went out to bid last year. On one hand, I am happy that I still have a job and the revenue that this client will bring to the company is substantial, but on the other hand, I am apprehensive of the massive amount of work that is to be done in the next 6 months or more. Hopefully business trips will be kept to a bare minimum too... How very ironic that I am in the corporate travel industry but yet I hate travelling for business so much!

More importantly, I hope the extra work and stress will not have any adverse impact on my conception plans. Right now, nothing matters to me more than my baby quest, and anything else will just play second fiddle to it.