This could be one of Apple's youngest fan. Little bun LOVES using Mark's iPad and will make a beeline for it when he sees it. He already has a couple of favourite apps. Other than this one on alphabets (which is rather boring) as there is no sound, he also likes 'Talking Tom'. There's also another one on farm animals where you can tap on the icon and it makes the sound the corresponding animal makes. It makes it seem like I am living on a farm sometimes.. LOL!!



Chloe Lee - 3rd Year Anniversary

Looking back, I wonder how I survived through the Junes of 2008, 2009, 2010 and 2011, especially the first 3. Lost Lucas in June 08; lost Chloe in June 09; was miserable, empty  and hopeless in June 10 and finally in June 2011, I had a 'bun' baking in my 'oven' though the outcome was still unknown.

Today is the 3rd year anniversary of us losing Chloe. I wonder where she is, how she is and what she's been up to... and I wonder if I'd ever stop wondering about my Angels.

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To my sweetheart Chloe,

I'd (still) love to know what happened on that fateful day 3 years ago, 24Jun, when my waterbag started leaking. Was it something that Mummy did or something Mummy ate?!  It was way too early for you to be born as you were barely 24 weeks old. Unfortunately, all the things the doctors did to stall the contractions were in vain and you arrived 2 days later on 26Jun. At the advice of the doctors, we made the decision to let you go.. I still wonder if that was the right decision. All I knew was that I didn't want you to suffer and I didn't want your quality of life to be compromised, BUT what if a miracle happened that went against all the medical odds?


I'm sure you already know that you are a big sister now and your little brother is a happy, thriving little boy. The first time I held your newborn little brother in my arms, I thought of you and of that first and only time I held you in my arms. The circumstances were so similar, yet so very different I'd have loved for him to know about his big brother and sister. When he is older, I will tell him all about his Angel Big Brother and Angel Big Sister who will always be watching over him.


I still wish I can buy you those lovely dresses that I see.. or those cute little hair clips that I can pin on your hair. I held you for a moment in my arms, but you'll stay in my heart for a lifetime.


Be good, sweetie.. till we meet again.

Loving and Missing You,

Mummy (and your Daddy too)

Sat on a swing with little bun and yup, it's his first time on a swing! Don't really think he knew or cared what was happening although it brought back a lot of my own childhood memories. I used to love sitting on a swing when I was in nursery.. the kindergarten that I went to had a similar swing set and I spend many of my mornings before assembly swinging contentedly back and forth. 

At that time, I was a child of no more than 5... 30 years on, I am sitting on the swing with a child of my own. Hopefully when little bun is older, I'd be able to share this experience with him.

Last evening, we went to a gathering owith a group of friends and met up with a heavily pregnant friend whose baby is coincidentally due on Mark's birthday. This is their 2nd child and is a carefully timed pregnancy as they wanted a 'Dragon baby' (preferably a boy to boot). They have got what they wanted.. a Dragon boy.

It'll never fail to amaze me how people can plan to have a baby and then a baby materilizes right on cue. It's like creating a meeting request in Outlook. You set the date and time , type in the subject/ details and then viola... Quoting Guilian Rancic, some people 'sneeze and get pregnant". Like me, she is a woman struggling with fertility issues and bitter about all the other oh-so-fertile family/ friends out there who pop babies effortlessly. But then I think I am luckier than she is in many ways.. she's now battling breast cancer after finding out she had a miscarriage after her first IVF attempt. At least I already have my trophy in my arms (or not really.. he's actually napping beside me on the bed as I pound away on the keyboard).

So how/why can people fall pregnant so easily and breeze through pregnancy so effortlessly whilst others struggle so hard? And why do some people who do not want kids end up popping them one after another and them end up abusing/abandoning them, while others go through months and years of emotional and physical trauma plus spend a fortune on fertility treatments just to have one baby to call their own?

Well, ok it's a loooooong shot but certainly it won't hurt to try.. Ummm, here goes nothing. I'd really, really like a baby born in the year of the Snake please (for the record, that's next year). Nope, we have no gender preference. Just a healthy baby is all we ask for.

Counting down to the final days of my part-time work. Come July and I'll be working full-time. At least when I'm working 4 days a week, I get to have 3 day weekends at home with little bun (and get to clear some housework so that the weekends are kept free for family time). Don't know how I'm going to cope with working 5 days a week.

Little Bun is 8 Months Old!!

Champion turns 8 months old today!!! Little bun has reached all his developmental milestones right on cue and he's recently started crawling. Mark and I are also suspecting that he may be teething very soon (excess drooling, restlessness at night, etc). It's a joy to see his little diapered-bum raised high in the air while he is trying to co-ordinate himself and move forward (backwards sometimes).

His newly-acquired crawling skills is making us busier than usual because it means that we cannot leave him unattended anymore. 2 days ago, little bun almost crawled himself off our bed. I managed to grab onto his thigh in the nick of time. That was a really close shave cos our bed is higher than usual as we have a thicker mattress (getting a thick mattress seemed like a good thing when we first bought it, but now I wish we had gotten something 'normal'). I'd have hated myself if little bun fell off the bed right under my nose (and Mark would have given me hell)!

In other news, we have started little bun on formula milk about 2 weeks ago and while it took a while for him to like this new taste, he's now doing a lot better and accepting it more readily. Currently we are still mixing it. We started off with 10% formula; 90% breastmilk, and we are now at 50% formula; 50% breastmilk. I'd have loved to be able to continue giving him breastmilk till he is 1 year old, but alas... having a job means I don't have the luxury of expressing the breastmilk 2 times a day while I am in the office. Supplies have also diminished because I am not expressing as often as I'd like to. **sigh** 8 months is nowhere near my target of 1 year, but my only consolation is I managed to meet the minimum target that I have set at 6 months.

Lucas Lee - 4th Year Anniversary

Today is Father's Day, it is also the 4th year anniversary of the day we bid goodbye to Lucas. Mixed feelings... Whenever I see a little boy that's around the age that Lucas would have been if he's here with us, I always wonder how my firstborn would look like. When I look at little bun, I wonder if he looks like his big brother. I wonder if Lucas would love his little brother. I imagine the scene of Lucas holding little bun in his arms with the joyful pride of a big brother.

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Dearest Lucas,

It's been 4 long years already since you've gone, but somehow I can still sense your presence around me still. It's a strange feeling, but on some occasions when I am alone, I feel that I am not really 'alone'... I feel that you are around me and it gives me a calm, peaceful feeling knowing that you are with me and watching over me.

Your little brother is now sharing your room... we hope you don't mind. When he's bigger, I promise to teach him to keep it neat and tidy.  Yes, he does make a mess sometimes but mummy does try her best to neaten it up everytime after the 'tornado' hits. =)  I hope you like your little brother (despite the noise and mess that he creates!!). I know that you'd have made a #1 big brother to little bun and he'd love to have you as his big brother.

Still missing you dearly...

With all my love,

Mummy (& Daddy too)



Father's Day 2012

Little bun's Father's Day card to his Daddy and his Grandpa... This is an early Father's Day post because tomorrow is Lucas' 4th anniversary and I want to save the post for him.

Little bun: "Quick fasten your seatbelts... I am sending you to work today, Momma!"

Poor little bun got so bored while waiting for his Mummy to get herself ready for work... He dozed off while waiting despite the fact that he only just woke up barely 30 minutes ago! (Or it could be the lullabies that were playing from the green stuffed doggie from Leapfrog that he's holding that were making him drowsy??)

I bought little bun a set of board books (hoping to instill a love for reading) in him from young. The first one I handed him was the one on 'Pets', and he immediately flipped to the page on dogs!! He stared at the pictures for a while before getting bored and decided that the book may taste better than it looks. Hmmmm...

Mark sent this photo to me on one of the nights which I was working overtime in the office. Made my heart go 'awwww'... and made me question myself. What the f*ck was I doing in the office when my son was waiting for me back at home???!!!!

Barely 2.5 months into starting work, I am already planning my 'retirement'. How can I have the best of both worlds, i.e. spend every moment with little bun and yet be financially independent and be able to save up for his future?

There is something I really love about this seemingly random photo. I love how soundly my little baby is sleeping (after one of our weekend shopping mall jaunts). Most of all, I love how he rested his hand on me..  I was holding onto him and he in turn, was holding onto me.

During the few days when I was away in Bangkok for my business trip, Mark and I did a few video calls. Little bun was grinning away when he heard/ saw me on the screen... Technology is a double-edged sword cos on one hand, I was so happy to see my little boy but on the other hand, seeing him 'there' without me made me sad (and guilty). 

  

What annoyed and saddened me most was during the 4 days that I was away, little bun learnt to sit without support!!! I missed this milestone... and truth be told, if I continue to work, there'd be more milestones that I'd miss out on. His first crawl, first step, etc...