Adieu 2011... Hello 2012

We are only a day away from the end of this year and the start of another year. Seriously having mixed emotions for the past few days... While there's nothing I can do to stop time, I really don't want 2011 to come to an end because for me (and Mark), it had been one wonderful year, a year which we will never forget.

As we bid adieu to 2011, I can only hope that 2012 will be a great year for us like 2011 had been (yup, I am greedy!). I am looking forward to a year of watching my son grow up; his first crawl, his first step, his first word (which I am hoping will be "mummy"!!) or perhaps plan for a little brother or sister for little bun even??!

Thank you, 2011, for giving us a wonderful gift and truly blessed year!!

Little Bun's 1st Christmas

Little bun received a number of very cute Christmas outfits and we ensured that he had a chance to wear all of them! It was like a mini fashion show. He was, however, rather grouchy on Christmas day so Mark commented that we should have gotten him green outfits with the words 'Christmas Grinch' instead!!

From Auntie Fion who bought them in Canada

From Uncle Kent & Auntie Karyn (and soon-to-arrive Baby Christian)

Romper and socks bought by Daddy!!

Merry Christmas 2011

After 3 years of very miserable Christmases, there is finally a reason for us to smile this Christmas. While it is still not 'picture perfect' because it is missing my Angels, having little bun here soothes some of the old wounds.

I can still barely believe little bun is here and he is ours, yes, OURS! I am still coming to terms with the fact that I, the epic failure of a woman and mother, had managed to carry him to term. I gave birth to this little fella who had since brought so much joy (and sleepless nights) into my life). I still stare at him in disbelief and wonderment... sometimes I have to pinch myself to assure myself this is not a dream (and if this is a dream, please don't wake me up).

This year, Mark and I can finally put the 'merry' back in 'Merry Christmas' and the 'happy' back in 'Happy New Year.

Merry Christmas Darling (s)

This time last year, I dedicated this song to my Angels. This song was playing in a shop while I was out for some last minute Christmas shopping and it made me stop whatever I was doing... suddenly felt my heart constrict and tears welling up in my eyes. *sigh*

I miss my Angels so much, and wherever they are, I hope they are missing me too... Merry Christmas, my darlings. I love you soooooo much.

Little bun loves his daddy!

I bought this romper from Gap as a gift to Mark a mere 2 days before little bun arrived. Of course at that time, I didn't know that little bun would be arriving quite so soon. It's still a bit too big for little bun now cos the size I bought is for 3-6 months... guess I just couldn't see him wear it!!

Pressies for Dr Anu

Cracked my brain thinking of what I should get for Dr Anu this Christmas.. I mean, what do you give the person who gave you back your life and who gave you the most priceless gift you had been dying to have?

Last year, I gave her a pair of tealight candle holders, one with the word 'Hope' and the other with the word 'Joy'. I first got them for myself and ended up getting another pair for Dr Anu cos I love their 'hidden meanings'. I gave them to Dr Anu along with a card that I had written the following "In your career, you have given many couples 'hope' and subsequently 'joy'... I hope that Mark and I will be one of those lucky couples next year!". She thanked me for the gift and told me she loved them (coincidentally she likes and also collects candles/candle holders)... She also said that she had displayed them in her house, but will only light them up AFTER she help us get what we want.

One year later, little did I expect that what I'd written in her Christmas card had come true! A few days after I delivered little bun, she told me that she'd be lighting up the 2 candles this Christmas because we have achieved what we wanted! I was surprised and touched that she still remembered what she'd said a year ago.

I ended up getting her a Precious Moments figurine as a token of our gratitude and appreciation in everything she'd done for me/us. I also framed the photo we took together and gave it to her. Whatever I give her can never compare to what she'd given me... she gave me my much longed for baby; she gave Mark and I our lives back; she gave me motherhood.

Mark and little bun joined me for my final appointment with her last week where I handed her the presents. We ended up chatting for quite a bit before we left and she told me taking care of me was a pleasure and it was a humbling experience for her as a medical professional. Dr Anu also encouraged us to try for baby #2 soon, preferably next year (she said that based on experience, sometimes the body may 'reset' itself after a successful pregnancy)!! I am not as optimistic as she is because with my PCOS, I think it is very unlikely that I can get pregnant without medical intervention. I told her she'd be the first person to know if we decide (or if I can convince Mark) to give little bun a little brother or sister.

While I have no regrets whatsoever, having little bun had burnt a laaaaaarge hole in our finances and we need time to rebuild it before we even dare to embark on the journey once again. But with that said, I am already excited at the prospects of the possibility of having another baby... I really do love being pregnant and I love motherhood! I know I may be greedy and asking for too much, but I just have a nagging feeling at the back of my head that tells me I am not done yet.

I think I am suffering from 'Dr Anu Withdrawal Symptoms'.. feels very unsettling to not see her every week or get her SMS. (Oh and not seeing her also means I won't get to see my Dr T anymore.. alas...)

A Final Walk Down Memory Lane...

I finally got my act together and organised the long overdue 'thank you' cookies meant for the doctors and nurses who took such good care of me before, during and after my pregnancy. I have been meaning to do it much earlier but little bun had kept me so busy that this got postponed (and postponed).

We ordered 6 dozen large cookies (or message lollies as they are called) with a customized message and personally delivered them to the doctors and nurses at the Fertility Clinic, Fetal Care Centre (the place where my weekly scans were done), the IVIG clinic, the Delivery Suite as well as the Women's Clinic (the place where I see Dr Anu). It is, in a way, 'my final walk down memory lane' (or more aptly, 'my final walk down the hospital corridors'.. ok let's leave it as memory lane cos it sounds less morbid).

Mark and I brought little bun along for the trip cos he is a 'mini-celebrity' at all those places and many were eager to see him as they personally witnessed my rather eventful pregnancy. We went to all those clinics which have by now become so familiar, and they hold bittersweet memories when I look back at my journey. I am going to miss those places and the people I have met during my journey towards motherhood. I can't tell them enough how grateful I am because although they are doing their jobs, many of them have gone above and beyond that. I feel very blessed that I had them during that period of my life.

Nosey (and greedy) Hershey sniffing things out.

This visit draws to a close a very eventful, exciting and memorable chapter of my life, one which I don't ever want to forget. While we were at the Delivery Suite, my parting words to the doctors and nurses there were "I will see you in one year's time", which drew much laughter and words of encouragement from the doctors and nurses, but a wry look from my husband.

"A smile takes but a moment, but the memory of it lasts forever"

Little bun is 8 weeks old today!!

To 'mark the occasion', he bestowed on me his first real smile this morning - a gummy, pink grin! According to literature, babies can only really start interacting at around 7-8 weeks old. Any 'smiles' before this is largely a reflex (much like sucking or crying) or caused by stomach gas. He was in an unusually good mood this morning after waking up and the both of us spent close to 45 minutes 'playing' and bonding. Mummy and son time!!

I've noticed that in the past 2 days, he'd become more aware of his surroundings and is reacting more to us when we talk/sing to him. He'd gaze at us and/or babble cute baby noises. He had also discovered his new favourite sleeping spot, i.e. on my chest as I recline in bed or on the couch with his head tucked under my chin. What a great feeling it is to feel his little body rise and fall in tune to his breathing, and that position allows me to sniff his head for that unique baby scent which I adore.

Little Bun's 1st Vaccination

My poor little bun had his first "6 in 1" vaccination on Friday, and I think it pained me more than it pained him when the nurses gave him the 2 jabs on his little thighs. He screamed his little lungs out until no sound came out, and his tiny face quickly turned into a bright, crimson shade in the split of a second. I could only cuddle him tightly into my chest and watch on. I know these injections are for good for him, blah..blah..blah.. but it still doesn't stop me from feeling like the worst mother in the world for subjecting him to the torture, and could only watch on helplessly as my baby is in pain. (Along with his cries, the only other sound I heard was the one ringing in my head that went "baaaaad mamaaaaaa").

As expected, the vaccinations had a side effect - fever. Late Friday night, some 12 hours after the jab was administered, little bun ran a temperature and was lethargic. We gave him paracetamol, put a cold towel on his forehead and then rocked him to sleep.

Unfortunately, the fever persisted for another day and Mark and I had a little "hot cross bun" in our hands. He was feverish and grouchy for most part of Saturday and only started being back to his usual self in the later part of Sunday.

The second round of vaccination is scheduled for Feb 2012. I am trying to convince Mark that it's his turn to take little bun there cos I am 'traumatized' by the experience.

Happy 3rd Birthday to Big Brother Lucas

Darling Lucas,

If you are here with us, today would have been your 3rd birthday. Here's wishing our sweet boy a Happy 3rd Birthday. Wherever you may be, I hope you can feel the love that daddy and mummy are sending your way. I am blowing you a kiss and hope you can receive it.

Whenever I look at your new little brother, I wonder if the both of you look alike and enjoy/dislike the same things. Those eyes that I gaze adoringly into, is that how your eyes look like too? Those chubby cheeks that I kiss everyday, do you have chubby cheeks too? The cute ear lobes that I mindlessly fondle whenever I am nursing Kyran, would you have liked that feeling too? The sweet baby scent that I love to inhale, is that how you would've smelled like too? Your little brother loves being carried in our arms before he'd fall asleep, is that how you'd have liked it too?

Pining for the little stranger of whom I was robbed of the chance to get to know; Missing what could have been a wonderful future together; Loving you, my precious firstborn child.

Lots of Love & Kisses Today and Everyday,

Daddy & Mummy

(and your little brother too)

Little Bun is 7 Weeks Old!!

My little bun is 7 weeks old today! It feels like he's been here all my life, but looking back, it's only a mere 7 weeks. Our little family is settling into a brand new routine with the addition of the newest arrival, even our poor dogs' routine had been affected. Poor Hershey is still rather bewildered by the tiny bundle which we brought home 7 weeks ago which sleeps a lot, needs to be carried around and sometimes makes the most scary loud noises (crying!!). She is rather obsessed with wanting to lick him, especially on his face and little feet. It totally freaks my mom and aunt out big time (fear that she'll nip him and fear of 'germs'). For the former, I'm fairly confident it won't happen cos Hershey is a little pussycat and she does like children and is very gentle with them based on her previous interaction with kids. As for the latter, I told my mom germs or no germs, it's something we will have to get used to sooner or later cos little bun will be growing up in an environment with dogs so it's just a matter of time we expose him to dog saliva/fur.

Like Hershey, my little 'senior citizen', Huskee, is equally puzzled by little bun and wants nothing much to do with him, but I've caught him sneaking little bun a few kisses when he thinks no one is looking! However I try not to force Huskee too much cos I don't want to stress him out. Moreover, Huskee has never been very sociable or comfortable with anything new (and loud). Guess I'll let him get used to little bun at his own pace.

Little bun has changed a lot ever since we first brought him home.. He's literally growing up and changing right before my eyes. Here's a comparison of the photo of him as a newborn and another photo of him taken today.

I had a sudden realization last night! This is the longest time I haven't had a needle poked into me! Clearly, I didn't miss it one tiny bit. Thinking back, the last time I was poked was during the delivery of little bun (epidural, the drip plug, etc) and then nothing else thereafter. Feels so darn good not to have a permanently bruised tummy and/or wrists (where they usually draw my blood from). Best of all, I don't have to go through the pain of needle pricks 3 times a day with the insulin (2x) and my nightly dose of Clexane (which is the root cause to all my nasty bruises on the tummy).

This Wednesday though, I won't be able to avoid being poked cos I'd have to do a blood test. I will be going for round 2 of my Glucose Tolerance Test (GTT) to ascertain if my diabetes is caused by pregnancy or if it is a pre-existing condition that is not pregnancy induced. Hopefully if it is the former (**crossing fingers**), then it should have cleared-up by now (i.e 6 weeks post delivery). If it's the latter (**knocking on wood**), then I am royally screwed.

Energizer Bunny

I have been told that babies sleep a lot, in fact, they sleep between 16-18 hours per day. However from my observation and experience, this is certainly NOT the case with little bun. My little Energizer Bunny can go without sleep for stretches of 4-5 hours straight... Unfortunately, his mummy and daddy are not powered by Energizer. We are begining to feel the effects of the lack of sleep and are walking around like zombies. **yawn**