The Last day of 2010

Ok this will be my last 'Christmas 2010' post cos I think I have gone on for long enough. To wrap things up, I'd like to introduce my Gingerbread family. Unfortunately I didn't make them because I am hopeless with baking, they are made by a friend (the same one who gave Mark his angel cufflinks).

These cookies were given to me before Christmas, but I have not eaten them because I simply couldn't bear to. The reason I can't bear to eat them is not only because they are cute, but because of what it symbolizes - Daddy, Mummy, Lucas and Chloe (we are short of the 'little one' because the friend doesn't know about my most recent loss last month). Anyway the 'family' is now stored in my freezer... I wonder how long I can preserve them for??

Below are some photos of what Mark and I got up to on Christmas Eve...


On this last day of 2010, I look back at the past 364 days and realize that I have not achieved anything other than the following (which aren't exactly 'accomplishments' by any normal person's standards) -

• Quit the job I love after 10 years
• Underwent through 4 cycles of fertility program
• Gotten pregnant for all of 5 weeks before losing it

In this year, I have argued/fought with Mark for more times than I can remember in our 12 years together, but after each major fight, we realize just how much we love each other and why we are still together. I only hope that this love does not run out...

Angels on your Sleeves... (and in your Heart)

One of the presents that Mark received from one of our close friends this Christmas is this pair of angel cufflinks. This friend of ours knows what we went through with Lucas and Chloe, hence she told me that when she saw these cufflinks, she knew she definitely had to get them for Mark.

I can see how delighted Mark was when he opened up the package and I can't wait to see him use them...

Mark and I received Christmas cards, one each from Lucas and Chloe (ok actually they are from my dear sister. Once again she got cards for us on behalf of Lucas and Chloe). Those cards are so pretty and they touched us so much. I couldn't ask for anything more, maybe other than wishing that the cards are really from them.

Cards for Daddy...

Cards for Mummy...

On the morning of Christmas Eve when I was putting up my post for that day (the one of the song by Karen Carpenter - Merry Christmas Darling), I was listening to the song on repeat mode. This is because the lyrics seemed to convey exactly how I had been feeling during the lead-up to Christmas and it also expresses my message to my Angels. Obviously this song had been around for ages... actually it was written in 1970, before I was born. Interestingly, I have only heard this song for the first time late last month, and from the moment I heard it, I fell in love with it.

As I was listening to the song and putting the post for that day together, I was actually in tears because I really miss Lucas and Chloe so very much and my heart was hurting like crazy. Special occasions and festive seasons are always the hardest time when the ones you love are no longer with you. I know it is totally irrational, but from the depths of my despair, I actually (again) asked my Angels for a sign that they are with us this Christmas.

Late that night when Mark and I were in the car on the way to a friend's house for the Christmas countdown, we heard this song being played on the radio!! Since it was Christmas Eve, it shouldn't be too much of a surprise that radio stations play this song, but for the timing to be so perfect is somewhat beyond me... it was barely 5 minutes after we got into the car that we heard the song.

Once again, I don't know if this is purely a coincidence, but my initial disbelief (and more tears) eventually made way for a strange sense of calm and peace upon knowing that my Angels are with me on Christmas Eve. I am missing you dearly, my babies... thanks for letting mummy know that you are around.

Christmas Day 2010 --- Part II

Candles that I lit on Christmas night for my Angels.

This candle is for Opy, the Gruffpuppy who's

spending her first Christmas in Heaven...

Mark says if I light anymore candles, I will surely set our apartment on fire. I sure hope not.

Christmas Day 2010 --- Part I

Merry Christmas Darling (s)

For my precious Angels... there's no place I wish to be now, except to be right where you are. Missing you could turn from pain to pleasure, if I knew you were missing me too.

Merry Christmas Darling --- Karen Carpenter

Greeting cards have all been sent
The Christmas rush is through
But I still have one wish to make
A special one for you

Merry Christmas, darling
We're apart, that's true
But I can dream
And in my dreams
I'm Christmasing with you

Holidays are joyful
There's always something new
But every day's a holiday
When I'm near to you

The lights on my tree
I wish you could see
I wish it every day

The logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say
That I wish you Merry Christmas (Merry Christmas, darling)
Happy New Year too

I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve (On this Christmas Eve)
I wish I were with you

The logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say
That I wish you Merry Christmas (Merry Christmas, darling)
Happy New Year too

I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve (On this Christmas Eve)
I wish I were with you
I wish I were with you
Merry Christmas, darling

Everyone seems so happy and jovial at this time of the year, but it seems like the happier the mood is around me, the more depressed I feel. Sometimes I feel like a outsider looking in, and while I do try my best to participate in social gatherings and all the festivities, I can't help but feel like a stranger. Doesn't make any sense, does it?

Making matters worse, a dear friend of mine lost her doggie rather suddenly last night and the news make everything even more drab. Given the fact that I am more 'emo' during this period, and being a dog lover and an owner of 2 dogs, I know that saying the final goodbye to your best friend isn't at all easy. My heart goes out to the family while they cope with the sudden loss of Opy, also fondly known as the GruffPuppy.

To anyone who has loved and lost -

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief. But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love.” --- Hilary Stanton Zunin

After losing Lucas and Chloe, I have become a lot more reserved with my feelings... I have loved both of them unconditionally and whole-heartedly, and my 'reward' was a shattered heart on both occasions. I will never forget this kind of pain for as long as I live. Now I am afraid of loving anyone too much for fear that they will leave me one day. I consciously try to 'withhold' my love and build a wall around myself as 'self-protection' just so that the pain would be lesser should the person leave me. It is indeed a fearful thing to love what death can touch, and this is why if given a chance, I'd want to be selfish for once and hope that death can take me before it takes any of my loved ones so that I don't have to deal with the pain and heartache afterwards.

Merry Christmas, Darlings, wherever you are.

Lonely this Christmas

Try to imagine
A house that's not a home
Try to imagine
A Christmas all alone
That's where I'll be
Since you left me
My tears could melt the snow
What can I do without you?
I got no place, no place to go

It'll be lonely this Christmas
Without you to hold
It'll be lonely this Christmas
Lonely and cold
It'll be cold, so cold
Without you to hold
This Christmas

Each time I remember
The day you went away
and how I would listen
to the things you had to say
I just break down
as I look around
and the only things I see
are loneliness and emptyness
and an unlit Christmas tree

It'll be lonely this Christmas
Without you to hold
It'll be lonely this Christmas
Lonely and cold
It'll be cold, so cold
Without you to hold
This Christmas

(spoken verse)
Do You remember last year
When You and I were together
We never thought there'd be an end
and I rember looking at you then
and I remember thinking
That Chrismas must have been made for us
Cause Darling this is the time of year
That you really, you really need love
When it means so very, very much

(Spoken over Chorus)
So it'll be so lonely this Christmas
Without you to hold
It'll be so very lonely
Lonely and cold

It'll be lonely this Christmas
Without you to hold
It'll be lonely this Christmas
Lonely and cold
It'll be cold, so cold
Without you to hold
This Christmas

It'll be cold, so cold
Without you to hold
This Christmas

Merry Chrismas, Darling
Wherever you are

Christmas 2010

I bought this pair of tealight holders for Lucas and Chloe as their gifts for Christmas 2010. I knew that I wanted them from the moment I saw them because of what's written. Lucas and Chloe both gave me hope and immense joy at some stage of my life, and this is what I wish for them and for myself in the new year ahead.

Their gifts from Christmas 2009 (Christmas stockings) together with Christmas 2010's...

Since we had a number of friends who came over to our place, I made an effort to do some light decorations to the house to make it look more 'Christmassy'... I vetoed Mark's suggestion to get a Christmas tree because I prefer the real ones to the artificial ones (ooohh.. I love the smell of a real Christmas tree!!), but I didn't want the hassle of cleaning up after it and I think they don't come cheap.