Today is my mom's birthday and yet I wasn't able to take her out for a nice dinner or even able to give her a card like how I have always done in previous years. I cannot remember not giving my mom a birthday card in my entire life, so this year is certainly a first. I didn't expect that I'd be restricted to bed rest so suddenly, hence didn't have a chance to go out and get a card beforehand. Oh well, I hope that I'd be able to give her a healthy grandchild as a 'belated' birthday present and that this 'gift' will be enough to make up for things.

Mark had been nursing a cold for the past 5 days, but because of a hectic work schedule, he hasn't been able to go to a doctor. Finally this morning, he couldn't take the sniffling and coughing any longer and went to the clinic. Rather glad that I have him home with me today :)

For the past 3 weeks, my mom and an aunt have been coming over daily to take care of me, bring me food and ensure that I don't do anything 'funny' (i.e. walk around or do housework) while Mark is at work. While I feel bad troubling them, at the same time I am so glad to have them come by tirelessly everyday because not only do they take care of my meals, but they also help out with some of the housework. I think Hershey is happy for the additional company too!!

My mom will accompany me for my check-up tomorrow since Mark will be at work. I am usually nervous before my weekly check-ups, but this time, I am even more nervy than usual. Really hope the results of little bun's growth scan will turn out fine. Despite Dr Anu's reassurances, I am still rather bothered by my lack of weight gain. For at least 6 weeks now, my weight has remained the same at 61kg, meaning I have only gained no more than 5kg throughout the pregnancy so far. While my belly is visible, it is still very compact. The average pregnancy weight gain should range between 10kg to 16kg, and I am not even at the halfway point!!

Hmmm... I hope it's just me being the worry wart that I am and worrying unnecessarily. Please let little bun be thriving well inside my tummy.

Wish I have better news to share, but sadly not. I am fast becoming a pin cushion... this morning's appointment with the doctor at the Diabetic Clinic didn't go too well. Not that I am surprised cos since I have been monitoring my blood glucose level (BGL) at home, I can see a certain trending that's taking place. I notice that my BGL readings in the mornings have been slowly increasing... Initially it started off with a decent 4.8 to 5.1 kind of reading, which is well below the acceptable level of 5.5 (before meals), but in recent weeks, it's gone up to between 5.4 to 5.9 even though I haven't drank/eaten anything throughout the night. The doctor says that it could be a sign that my body is not breaking down glucose properly without the help of medication, hence the decision was made for me to start insulin injections every morning.

As the readings at the other times of the day are still within the acceptable threshold, I just have to continue with the oral medication. However, if they too show signs of increasing, then insulin would be necessary 3 times daily instead of just once. I am determined to keep it down as much as I possibly can because I am appalled/terrified at the thought of having to self-administer the injections! At least for now, I can get Mark to give me the injection before he leaves for work in the morning. I really don't see how he can come home everyday during lunch hour to help me with the injections should the need arise **knock on wood**.

Despite this little setback, I am still keeping my chin up. I will do anything for little bun's well-being, so as long as he/she is fine, I will grit my teeth and bear with it. All little bun and I need are a few more precious weeks before we reach the home run stretch where little bun will be 'safe'. I am keeping the faith...

~There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream~ Author Unknown

Saw an advertisement on the television last night that the hospital that I go to is conducting a seminar - 'Happy Mommy Healthy Baby' on 03rd Sep. Dr Anu will be hosting a segment - Hope for a New Life: Understanding Fertility, High Risk Pregnancies and Miscarriages. Little wonder I fall into her care since I (unfortunately) fit nicely into all 3 categories...

Even my heartthrob (aka Dr T) is hosting a segment!!! Since the seminar isn't expensive at all, I asked Mark if he is keen on attending (ok, admittedly, I conveniently ignored the fact that I am not supposed to be going out of my house and am supposed to be on bedrest). I guess Mark saw through my hidden intention from the start and turned me down upfront. I wasn't even given a chance to try and convince him.. **sigh**.

Little bun and I had our little 'date' yesterday! So happy to be able to see him/her again on the ultrasound monitor. It's been a long 2 weeks since I last saw little bun cos during the period when I was hospitalised, all I got was to listen to little bun's heartbeat. I was actually strapped on to this heart monitor which monitors little bun's heartbeat for the entire time after my surgery, and I was very comforted in knowing that my baby's heart is thumping away strongly. Mark didn't stay over with me on that first night, so that night was the special time for little bun and I!!

They measured my cervix (again) yesterday and it was at a decent 3.3cm. The last time they measured it was right before they put in the stitch for me on 02 Aug. According to Dr Anu, it had by then gone down to a dangerous 1.5cm! Therefore it's a good thing Dr Anu made the timely decision for the cervical cerclage because if we had waited any longer, it'd have shortened further and putting in a stitch would have been impossible.

Next week Dr Anu booked me in for a 'growth scan' for little bun. Not quite sure what it entails, but can only pray again for the best that little bun's growth and development remains on track despite my lack of weight gain (yup.. still not gaining weight!!!).

I am turning into a 'drug addict'... It's getting rather hard to keep track of the amount of medicine I have to take daily. Previously I always make sure I find out the purpose of each kind of medicine I pop into my mouth, but with the recent surgery and hospital stay, the amount of medicine have increased twofold and I have since given up trying to find out the purpose of each one.

My daily 'breakfast'...

This is (sorta) my birthday gift this year --- Anti Embolism Stockings (also called Compression Stockings). Since I am told that I have to be on complete bed rest and plus the fact that I have Thrombophilia, the stockings will help to prevent Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT). Moreover, the risk of DVT is further increased during pregnancy, so I guess in my case, the risk is even higher.

Although I was told to wear the stockings at all times, it is really tough in this 35 degree celsius weather. The heat... the humidity... ohhh and the itch!! I am only wearing them at night when I have the air-conditioner on cos at least the coolness makes it more bearable. The stockings are really tight and someone (who else but Mark) has to wear and remove them for me. Usually he ends up in a sweat after helping me put them on.

I was 'admiring' my legs in this photo cos I thought they look quite slender... yup, I am really THAT bored. It reminded me of Dr Anu's comment about my legs while I was still lying on the hospital bed. She commented that my arms and legs are really slim, and before I could even begin to feel flattered, she added 'this is a classic PCOS symptom'. Sigh...

Cervical Cerclage

It's finally home sweet home on Friday... instead of the inital 2 night stay, Dr Anu decided to keep me in hospital for an extra night so that they can observe me. Hence, I spent a total of 3 nights in hospital. Thankfully I had a private room so Mark was able to stay overnight with me. Getting a proper night of sleep is rather impossible during those 3 nights in hospital because throughout the night, the nurses would be coming to check on my temperature, blood pressure, little bun's heart rate and/or give me my medication.

According to Dr Anu, the surgery went smoothly. The after effects that I suffered from post surgery was a bad case of sore throat (from the insertion of the breathing tube down my throat while I was under GA for the duration of the surgery), uterine cramping (which is to be expected after such a procedure), horrid headache (side effect of the medication that was given to me to control the uterine cramps), nausea... Ummm, yup, I think that's about all.

I was most nervous about the cramps because it could've triggered premature labour, and it also reminded me so much of the labour pains I went through when I delivered Chloe. I tried to downplay the magnitude of the pain so that I wouldn't worry Mark too much (according to Dr Anu, she whispered to me that 'Mark looks rather shaken'), so I didn't want to add on to his stress. Thankfully with the help of the constant dose of drugs for the inital 36 hour period, the cramps eventually subsided (though I am still continuing to take them as a preventive measure).

There was an incident that really touched me a whole lot. It reaffirmed once again how blessed I am to have a partner like Mark by my side. The drugs that I took gave me a massive headache and terrible nausea.. I was trying to hold my dinner down when they decided to defy gravity and all of it came back up. There was no way I could get out of bed to go to the bathroom since it was only hours after the surgery, so Mark grabbed a dish that was provided (for this purpose I reckon??) and held it for me while I regurgitated my dinner. Unfortunately, the dish was ummm... too small (or my dinner was too big?) and some of it spilled over. I created a gross, revolting mess and some of it even landed on Mark. He just held onto the dish stoically without fliching and comforted me while I continued to contribute to the mess. Even after the nurse and cleaner came in to help out, Mark was the one cleaning me up. Frankly I don't know what I'd have done if I were in Mark's shoes cos vomit (whether it belongs to me or another person) and me don't go very well together (the same goes with blood). I'd have expected Mark to 'flee the scene' and call for the nurses.

I think I can safely say that by now, Mark has seen the most beautiful as well as the ugliest side of me.. I am sure a woman who is vomiting and writhing in pain at the same time with a red face and tears rolling down her cheeks is not a glorious sight to behold.

So glad to be home, and even more glad that the surgery went smoothly. Every extra day that little bun stays inside me is so crucial... as Dr Anu puts it, every extra day that little bun remains in my womb is one day less in the Neonatal ICU. I have been spending 95% of my time lying in bed and only getting up for meals, toilet breaks and shower. Mark has been extremely strict in ensuring that I behave and follow the rules. This is how I will be spending the next few weeks... the television and internet will be my constant companion.

As little bun continues to grow inside of me, his/her movements are getting increasingly noticeable and frequent. A lot of times when I am lying in bed, I will nudge my tummy a little and there'd be a 'reaction' from little bun in the form of a gentle tap back or even a major movement. Sometimes I'd even get to see the movements/twitching on my tummy! These are moments that are so extra special. I guess one could call it one of the earliest forms of bonding happening between mother and baby, even before the baby is born. It is truly a wonderous feeling and I can't even put into words how it makes me feel.. kind of like amazement, wonder, happiness, etc all rolled into one. Well, maybe there's just one word to describe this feeling --- Mom.

I want to continue enjoying this feeling for as long as I possibly can... I want to continue to feel my little bun growing and moving inside me for as long as possible... Mark and I will do all it takes to keep this baby.

The nurse just called and I will have to be at the hospital at 7am tomorrow. As I'd have to go under general anesthesia for the surgery, I'd have to start fasting from 12 midnight. No food is fine, but no water is going to be rather challenging considering how much I drink. Oh well...

I haven't used this idiom in a very long time cos I think it sounds very vulgar and uncouth, but I can't think of anything else that is more appropriate at this time - I think I am going to shit bricks!!!!

I told Mark that my very first birthday was spent in a hospital 34 years ago... 34 years later, I will again be spending my birthday in the hospital (albeit a different one)!! Should I laugh or cry about it? Anyway, I think I find it more 'amusing' than anything cos my birthdays don't mean very much to me anymore ever since the year I lost Lucas. I have learnt that there's a lot more to life and that the other 364 days are just as worth treasuring as the one day which is my birthday.

For my birthday this year, Mark's 'present' to me will be a 2 night stay at a private ward in the hospital. I was actually contemplating a 4-bedded ward in order to cut expenses, but frankly, I am not looking forward to reliving the memory of sharing a room with other women who are due to give birth or recently given birth... above all, listening to the cries of newborn babies. It is just a bit too much to deal with on top of all my anxieties and emotional baggage. Also, if I had opted for a shared ward, Mark won't be allowed to stay with me overnight.

I am still worried silly by what will potentially happen tomorrow during the surgery and more importantly, thereafter. With my luck, anything can happen.. Geez, just why can't I be a 'normal' person for once? Just once??!!!! In recent weeks, many of Mark's friends have been popping babies. They make things seem sooooo incredibly easy... perhaps it IS indeed very easy, just that the problem lies with ME!

Nervously counting down the hours... the next few days will be a trial and I need all the good wishes and prayers I can get. Praying hard that there won't be any adverse effects from the surgery and that little bun and I will come out of it triumphant at the end of it all. 4 more weeks is all I am asking for... please just let me remain pregnant for at least another 4 precious weeks!!!!! Yes, this is the voice of acute desperation and a healthy dose of pleading.