A Prayer for Little Bun

Prayer for a Safe Pregnancy

This life you have given us
is so tiny, fragile, and vulnerable,
safe in the womb of flesh and hope,
yet subject to danger and death.
O God of love, creator of life,
hear our prayer.
We want this baby so much.
Please grant this child of ours
a full term of nurture,
the joy and mystery of life,
and the blessing of your love.
Grant us the fulfillment of our dreams,
a baby to cherish and protect,
a child to teach and guide,
a blessing to our family.
Amen.

I LOVE the words of this prayer so much, in particular 'a full term of nurture' because this is one of the first hurdles that I need to overcome, and also the problem that caused me my Lucas and Chloe.

I am also dying for 'a baby to cherish and protect, a child to teach and guide'... I am desperate to complete the jigsaw puzzle that is my life, which is currently missing a large chunk.

My little bun has doubled it's length from the last time I saw it 10 days ago!! I only started to breathe normally AFTER I saw the flicker of its heart pumping furiously away... and was so happy to see from the scan how much it has developed . There are the beginings of its limbs and the little dark 'dots' that mark its little fingers and toes (not bones yet, only soft cartilage at this stage). Its sillhouette is starting to resemble that of a human baby (previously it looked tadpole-like).

While Dr Anu was doing the scan, I guess the probe must've 'disturbed' little bun cos from the monitor, we could see that it started to wriggle around, move it's arms and then it turned on it's side to face us squarely! I told Dr Anu that the image on her monitor is to me one of the most beautiful sights created by Mother Nature (possibly only second to holding your own baby in your arms for the first time)... I had to fight back tears because after a long wait, my womb is once again filled with a life that Mark and I have created. Don't quite know how to describe that feeling...

All that I pray for now is for this little life to stay inside me for the next 6 months until he/she is strong enough to come into the world. The road ahead is still long and fraught with uncertainties, but I know that Mark and I will do anything within our means to give little bun a fighting chance. I also know that no matter what the future brings, Mark will be there to hold my hand.

(I kept thinking about Chloe after that scan... I still recall the time when during one of the routine scans that we saw her happily sucking on her thumb on the monitor. It was so amazing, and so sweet. Although we didn't get a picture of it, I know it is a sight that I will never forget. When I was little, I used to suck on my right thumb to lull myself to sleep, and my mom only managed to wean me out of this habit when I was 7 years old. From that moment, I took it as a sign that I was expecting a girl... and true enough this was confirmed a few weeks later. Missing my princess...)

I am watching a program on TV featuring Cambodia. What they are showing bothers me greatly and is terribly heartbreaking... enough for me to write about it. A part of the program featured beggar kids in Cambodia, and the crew tailed two 4-6 year old kids back to their home. What the crew found out was disturbing. The parents of the kids were idling at home when their kids are risking their lives out on the road begging for a living. Not that the parents are ill or handicapped. Both are able bodied adults. It is clear that they are an improvished family, but the least the adults can do is to make an effort to feed the family. The father's excuse was that the kids make more money begging than he can from fishing, and if his kids want to fill their stomachs, they have to earn their own keeps. For the record, they have 6 kids below the age of 10, with another baby on the way. It is apparent that the parents view the kids as money-making 'tools'.

Why do they continue to have more kids when they can barely care for the ones they already have? How come their mother can go ahead to conceive and then have successful pregnancies in that kind of living conditions? I'm confident that she does not receive any pre-natal care, let alone vitamins and vaccinations. I am living in a country with an advanced medical care system in place, where I receive world class prenatal care, take all the necessary vitamins/ vaccinations, etc, but yet, I failed so miserably. It makes me feel very inadequate as a woman because I cannot even fulfill my basic role as one.

Going off soon to see Dr Anu and my little 'bun'. Worried sick but trying my best to keep the faith.

I feel guilty cos I feel that I am slacking off blogging. Didn't blog on Tuesday because I went for my TCM appointment and then popped by my parents place to spend some time with them (and Huskee) and also stayed for a yummy home-cooked dinner. Yesterday an ex-client of mine happened to be in Singapore and asked me out for a drink, so I went. It was then followed by a long overdue dinner with a group of girlfriends whom I have known for 17 years. Didn't feel like it's already been 17 years, where did the time go? We meet only like once (at max twice) a year because everyone is busy with their own lives... some are busy with work, some busy with their kids, some are constantly travelling, etc.

Catching up on each other's life was fun... gossiping was fun... reminiscing on the good old days was fun. I expected that over the course of the night, someone would comment about my weight gain/ belly bump, so I made a conscious effort to cover up with a giant black cardigan. Fortunately no one said anything. I am guessing even if anyone noticed, they wouldn't have said anything because all the girls know about the miscarriages I have had and were tactful not to bring it up. Actually although 2 of them have kids, they avoided mentioning them throughout the night.

It's interesting (and sad) to learn that as we age, each of us are all handling different life challenges of our own. One is battling to save her crumbling marriage, another is having an ongoing struggle with her in-laws, etc, one had recently divorced... and then of course there is me with my baby woes. So sad...

Another 4 days till my appointment with Dr Anu. During the past few appoinetments with Dr Anu, she asked me if I am experiencing any symptoms.. nausea, food cravings, etc. This Friday I think I can finally report my symptom to her. In the past week or so, I have noticed that 'chronic fatique' has set in. I can spend most of the day in bed, whether asleep or awake. Just take yesterday for instance... I woke up at 8am, had breakfast with Mark and then promptly fell asleep again from 10am-11.30am. In the afternoon, Mark met his cousin for an early happy hour and while he was out, I fell asleep, yes, again. This time from 3pm-5pm.

These sleepy episodes remind me of the time when I was expecting Chloe. My main symptom then, other than craving for durians, was sleepiness!! It's a good thing I am not craving for durians this time because last time it resulted in episodes of nose bleeds.

I am happy that my weight is gradually increasing. Pre-pregnancy I was at 56.4kg, and now when I weigh myself first thing in the morning, my weight is hovering around 57.8kg. Most of it is due to water retention and increased blood volume. Little bun was barely 2cm long when Dr Anu last measured it and it should weigh no more than 2 grams, so I can't say that it attributed to my weight increase!

I came across an interesting article in my favourite Australian magazine (which by the way, is getting too expensive). The first paragraph of the article really made me laugh... Apparently from MRI scans, the brains of expectant women shrink during pregnancy (fortunately it returns to the original size 6 months after birth). That's a good excuse that I can use on Mark for my 'selective memory'...

Honestly, if my doctor tells me that in exchange for a healthy pregnancy/ baby, my shrunken brain will never return to the original size, I'd be all up for it.

The other 2 points that caught my interest are basically just medical facts. Good to know that mortality rates for both mother and infants are lower than ever. I just wish I fall on the correct side of statistics henceforth.

08 April

It is so hard to believe that it's already been 3 years. The first time I ever told Mark that we were expecting a baby was on 08 April 2008. He just returned that evening from a business trip and we were having dinner at a friend's house. I broke the news to him in the presence of a group of friends by presenting him with a set of baby mittens and booties (courtesy of a friend's newborn baby boy). It was a coincidence that the colour of the mittens and booties were baby blue because at that time, we obviously had no idea that our firstborn was going to be a boy. I still have those mittens and booties safely tucked away in Lucas' Treasure Chest.

It was the first (and perhaps, only) time we experienced the pure and unbridled joy of being a first time parent... we were so blissfully unaware (or innocently ignorant) of the challenges that lay ahead. Even when we found out that we were expecting Chloe, the degree of joy cannot be compared to that when we had Lucas... possibly because we were already guarded after what happened with Lucas.

In more ways than one, 08 April 2008 marked the begining of the most important journey of my life. It is my journey towards motherhood. It was on that day that I realized just how much I wanted to have a baby of my own; it was a 'calling' that I hadn't realized up till then. Lucas gave me a brief but unforgettable taste of 'motherhood', and it was because of him that I discovered my 'mission' in life. I know I haven't yet succeeded, but what I do know is I will not give up my 'mission' without putting up a valiant fight. My little boy may have only spent a short 14 weeks with me, but what he had taught me had changed my (and Mark's) life forever.

I am missing my little boy... I just wonder if he knows it, and if he is missing his mommy too.

(As I was typing out this post, my screen is constantly blurred by the onslaught of tears and I don't think it's caused by the pregnancy hormones. It just feels like something very dear to me had been forcefully taken away... I feel robbed. I feel victimized. I feel short-changed. And yet there is nothing I can do to 'correct the wrong'. I am rather surprised by my own emotions because I have not cried over Lucas and Chloe for quite some time, it's certainly NOT because I have forgotten them or 'gotten over them'. I simply thought that I have finally learnt to contain my emotions where they are concerned. Apparently not. Who am I kidding anyway?)

Yesterday was a fantastic day, despite the fact that I left my mobile phone at home when I left for the hospital and ended up making a mad dash home in the rain to collect it. After that, I had a long waiting time in between the 2 appointments because the first appointment with the haematologist was on time (surprisingly!!) and there was a delay with Dr Anu's appointment (appointment was scheduled at 2.30pm but I only managed to see her at 3.30pm). Ended up waiting over 3.5 hours before I got to see Dr Anu.

It was well worth the long and anxious wait when I eventually got to see my little bun. It has grown bigger since I last saw him/her and I heaved a sigh of relief when I saw the little heartbeat pumping steadily away. It is a wonderous feeling... Dr Anu suggested to do a cervical cerlage in a couple of weeks' time. I just finished reading up on the pros and cons of this procedure (which is basically a stitch to cinch the cervix shut). I am caught in a situation where it'd be better for me to have it done due to my previous history of mid/late trimester miscarriages, but then the risks involved seem equally scary (preterm labour, infections/ bleeding/ etc).

The procedure will require general anesthesia and a short stay at the hospital. I am terrified of the procedure and worried/ nervous about the outcome.

The last heparin injection went awry... Not only was it very painful, but it also left a very big and ugly bruise. Actually it still feels sore and I have been trying to avoid wearing anything that is snug around the waist.

Monday is nearly over and I am starting to count down the hours till tomorrow afternoon. I'll be seeing 2 doctors tomorrow; at 12noon with the haematologist and 2.30pm with Dr Anu. Of course it is the appointment with Dr Anu that I am looking forward and freaking out about.

When Mark saw the photos that I took of Rynnae and Hershey, he was very concerned that Hershey will be too rough for Rynnae and inevitably end up injuring/ hurting her. However when he saw for himself last night how much Hershey adored Rynnae and how she only wants to kiss her, he didn't have the heart to scold Hershey. It's odd how Hershey has taken to Rynnae. I got a nagging suspicion that Hershey thinks Rynnae belongs to her and has taken it upon herself to be her 'protector'... This morning, when Hershey jumped onto the bed and gave Rynnae a 'face wash', I tried pushing her away and that silly dog actually gave me a low growl!!! When the door to Rynnae's room is closed, Hershey will wait outside mournfully and dash in at any chance she gets. Weird dog...

Rynnae will be going home tomorrow and I am sure other than Mark and I, a little black and white dog will miss her a lot.

At least for the past few days with Rynnae here, it keeps me busy and distracted enough to stop worrying about my appointment with Dr Anu next Tue. I just cannot shake off the feeling that I will get bad news... Sometimes when enough bad things have happened to one, it doesn't have to take a lot to waver your confidence and logical thinking.