I Hate June!!!!

Today is the last day of May, tomorrow will be the 1st day of June... June is my least favourite month out of the twelve because I lost both Lucas and Chloe in the month of June. I think that's putting it mildly... to be honest, I hate June with a passion. It is the month where I experienced the most grief, heartache and despair. I am dreading the approach of June, and I can't help but wonder what bad thing will happen to me this June.

I do find it very hard to believe that it'll soon be 2 years since losing Lucas and 1 year since losing Chloe. I still clearly remember each and every minute detail of the day they were taken from me. The wound in my heart still hurts as badly as the day I lost them... I am learning to live with this pain that I know will be with me for the rest of my life.

A child who loses his/her parents is an orphan.
A husband who loses his wife is a widower.
A wife who loses her husband is a widow.

But there is no word for a parent who loses a child, for there is no word to describe such pain.

I still cannot understand it even after I'd slept on it for one night. When Mark and I were out yesterday doing our part for the Singapore economy (not that it needs our help), I was approached by a young male promoter. He started going on and on about the benefits of the pot he was promoting and the current promotion that's going on during the Great Singapore Sale season. Not that I was interested in the pot, but this guy was standing in the path between me and the thing (cushion covers) I wanted to look at.

After talking without pause for a good 30 seconds, he finally stopped to ask me 'Are you Singapore citizen?' (apparently a pre-requisite if you are to qualify for the promotion). I nodded and started to move away, then came question number 2 - 'Are you married'... it puzzled me cos what's the connection of my marital status with a pot? Again I nodded just so I could move closer to my 'target'. As I started to walk away, he asked me the question number 3 - 'Do you have kids under the age of 18?'. This made me stop in my tracks and momentarily forget about my cushion covers.

I replied him 'Sadly, not yet'... and the (over) enthusiastic young man continued to yak on in his by now very irritating chirpy voice 'Oh, don't worry, you can share this promotion with your friends who have kids under 18 then'. I was slightly annoyed by then and so wanted to tell him that I don't use the particular brand of pots that he's promoting anyway cos I only use an imported German brand. This stupid pot got me hot under the collar (does this make it a 'hotpot'??). Eventually I bit my tongue eventually cos he's just a young chap doing his stuff and probably earning some holiday money. I think age is mellowing me down...

Can anyone shed any light on why this pot promotion is only for people with kids under 18? Did some survey conclude that women in this group cook more? Is this a 'special' pot that can only be used by mothers to cook for their children?? Don't unmarried people or married people without kids use pots too?? Don't the non-citizens of Singapore use pots?? In case the organizers of this promotion didn't do their homework, Singapore has more than 25.3% of non-citizens... it's huge market that they are missing out on if you ask me. The number of foreign nationals in Singapore is getting kind of 'in your face', especially a certain group of people from a certain country that Singapore likes to maintain a cordial relationship with. I risk making a sweeping statement, but people from this country generally talk too loud, spit on the ground, eat free fruits from supermarkets on the pretext of testing them and leave the seeds lying around (yuck!!), knock into you without a nary glance in your direction (forget about an apology)... my grouse list goes on, but this is a topic for another day.

Here's the offending voucher:

That last sentence 'as a token of appreciation in response to this advertisement' is stupid. Obviously ONLY the people in the specific demographics can respond to the advertisement cos it's made in such a way that ONLY they can participate!

Can't believe I let a pot get me so worked up... The worst thing that made me even madder is that I didn't get my cushion covers after that (cos the colors didn't match my bedroom wallpaper).

I received a surprise package in the office yesterday. It was from a longtime client of mine... When she knew about both my pregnancies and was very happy for me... she also cried along with me when she found out that I had miscarried both times. I guess she knows my pain because she had lost 2 pregnancies before too. Now she's a mom to 3 teenage boys.

Something else that moved me a lot is that she is a devout Catholic, and she told me that she prays for me all the time; praying for me to have my healthy baby. She sent me these 2 booklets on hymns and also wrote me a lovely note.

Sadly, as like most other aspects of my life, I am in the midst of de-implementing (isn't this word an oxymoron??) this client's business... so I guess I won't be able to work with her anymore after July.

I have been slacking off and not blogging as often as I should or I want to. The reason (or is it excuse?) is W.O.R.K, and it is making me so unhappy. Actually, I am trying to fathom whether I am unhappy about being busy OR I am busy being unhappy. I don't see a completion to the project that I am currently working on... there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. On a daily (sometimes even hourly) basis, there seems to be nothing but more and more uphill challenges and problems waiting to be resolved. This project's completion date is supposed to be 14 Feb 2011, and I am begining to wonder if the project will outlive me.

In addition to work stress, the pressure of not knowing whether I am pregnant is also a major contributing factor. I don't know how I am going to live out the next 2 weeks trapped in this state of wondering. ***big sigh***

Mark saw this little wooden box (called a 'Family Memory Box') that had a family of four carved out in front and he showed it to me. We decided immediately that we will buy it. We were pleasantly surprised when we opened up the box because there were these words engraved - 'A Lifetime of Love'. How pretty... and how it conveys how we feel. When Mark asked me what I was going to place inside the box, I replied him 'All my love'... and he promptly responded 'And mine too'.

I started to google to find out more about this brand of products - Willow Tree, and found that they actually have a wide range of products!! Unfortunately, what they bring into Singapore is only a mere fraction of what their whole product line that's available overseas. They even have a whole range of angel figurines that I fell head over heals in love with.

I think they would make lovely gifts for any occasion... birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day, etc. I wish they have the entire collection available here in Singapore... however, seems like it's only available in the Europe, France, Spain, Italy, Canada, Australia and New Zealand. I do have some friends/ colleagues in Australia and UK, but I hate to impose on people to help me do things... :(

Perhaps I can try can figure out if I can locate a store in London when I go over in June. If I do succeed in this, I am sure I will spend a small fortune in the store.

It is such an agony to have to wait for 14 days (or more) before I know if we have succeeded in creating a new life. It's now only day 5 now... how am I going to get through the next 10 days?? Mark keeps reminding me not to put my hopes too high. I guess he's worried that I'd be crushed if we do not succeed and he doesn't want me to be overly disappointed.

I also found out 2 days ago that a Hong Kong friend who had been trying to conceive for some time is now pregnant. I know she had some health issues previously and had been seeing a Chinese physician for the past 6 or more months. I am thinking if I should ask her to take me to him when I go to Hong Kong in June. Not sure how much help I can get from one visit though.

I am green with envy... why does everyone seem to be able to conceive/ have babies so easily except me?

My sister gave me these 2 super cute customised baby rompers. I love them so much... and I wish my babies are physically here to wear them instead of it being kept in their respective Treasure Chests. I wonder how they'd look in the rompers...

Yesterday afternoon I received an SMS from Amanda's mommy... It made me grin from ear to ear as I read it while out shopping. Amanda's mommy dreamt that I brought my newborn baby boy to her house!! She even got the name of the baby - Julian!! Ok, it's not a name that I'd ever have thought to use, but maybe I should keep it in mind now. (Another interesting thing is that Mark has a close friend by the name of Julian, and we have always joked how Julian resembles someone whom I have a crush on!!)

This is the 2nd time Amanda's mommy had such a dream... previously she had a dream of me telling her that I was pregnant.

I can't wait for her dreams to come true...

16 May: Significantly darker...

Ok, now I am confused... I thought yesterday's results was the indicator that I needed. When I did the test again today, I expected to see a lighter test line. Ummm... the test line today is even darker than yesterday's, meaning that there is a surge in the amount of luteinzing hormone (LH). This hormone is produced by the body when ovulation is about to occur.

13 May: Faint test line = Negative ovulation

14 May: Still no signs of ovulation

15 May: Darkened test line = Ovulation time!!