I am down with a nasty sore throat since 3 days ago, and it has progressively worsened and has now developed into a dry, itchy cough... Mark had been nagging at me to see a doctor but I have stubbornly refused, not because I am a masochist, but because if I go and see a doctor, the doctor will no doubt prescibe me with a cocktail of drugs. Since I will be ovulating within these next couple of days, I really don't want my body to be laden with any drugs that may/ may not be good for the baby if I do successfully conceive.

When I went to the dentist last week for my root canal treatment (which bloody hurts big time, by the way), the dentist gave me 2 weeks worth of antibiotics, but I did not take them for the same reason as the above. I seriously wonder if I am doing the right thing, or if it'd make any difference at all??

I just did one ovulation test earlier and nope, nothing is happening yet...

A Glimmer of Hope --- Part II

The little egg is 17mm today!!! I couldn't be more pleased/ happier when I saw it on the ultrasound scan. This means that ovulation can be anytime from tomorrow till Sunday. I am praying hard, really really hard, that this one little egg will be the answer to my all my hopes and dreams come true.

I am holding on to this glimmer of hope with all my might.

A Glimmer of Hope

My one solitary egg follicle did grow since the last time I saw it!! ***whooping with joy*** It's 13mm as of today, and I have to go back on Wednesday to ensure that everything is on track. I am hoping fervently that if all goes according to plan, ovulation day should be anytime later this week. That gives me a 25% chance of conception... the percentage is not high, but it's better than zero chance.

Yesterday Amanda's mom texted me to let me know that she's got me a Mother's Day gift on behalf of Amanda. I thought it was so sweet and thoughtful of her to think of me. I am guessing she must've spent a wonderful first Mother's Day with little Amanda... how nice.

MOTHER'S DAY 2010

My sister made me cry... She gave me not just one, but FOUR Mother's Day cards. One from Lucas, one from Chloe and one each from Huskee and Hershey. I was surprised and immensely touched.

I am still on the lookout for some 'signs' from my Angels, nothing yet... still waiting...

The Day Before MOTHER'S DAY 2010

I received this voucher in the mail today, and instead of doing what I normally do, i.e. shredding it like other advertisements, I decided to keep this one because I was intending to order some flowers next week and thought I could make us of the discount. As I was scrutinising the voucher, I spotted the name of the florist - Angel Florist!!

I wonder if this is the sign from my angels that my BFF told me to look out for???

Had my scan this morning and seems like there ONE potential egg follicle. For now, it is still undersized and I will have to go back for another scan on Monday. Can't believe despite the increased dosage of medicine, my body is still not responding as it should. By right I should be popping a few matured eggs.

I also confided in my BFF about what's been bothering me (i.e. Mother's Day) and she alerted me to something that I hadn't thought of. She said that perhaps my angels may come by for a visit and told me to watch out for little signs on that day. That's a wonderful thought... although I'll try not to have any expectations and put in too much hope in case nothing materializes, at least now there's something for me to look forward to.

I think it's best that I stay at home on Sunday cos I don't think I can bear the sight of seeing so many happy mothers out and about.

What makes a 'Mother'?

Something's been bothering me for a couple of weeks now, and it is becoming more intense as THE day draws closer. MOTHER'S DAY is in a few day's time, and I cannot help but wonder if I am entitled to this honour. Do I even qualify? I had dreams for both Lucas and Chloe, I did carry them in my womb (although for too short a time)... and I have loved/am loving/ always will love them with all my heart and soul. But is this enough?

I feel like a world class failure/ loser and seriously, I cannot hate myself more for not being able to do what any other normal woman can do so effortlessly. I cannot get pregnant without medical intervention, and I cannot even protect my babies even when they are inside my body.

If I can have one wish now, my wish would be to receive a card from Lucas and Chloe. Sadly, my wish will always remain as a unfulfilled dream.

I ate the most expensive piece of striploin steak ever... It's even more expensive than Kobe beef. I nibbled on a small piece (3cmX3cm) from Mark's dinner on Sunday and ended up hurting my molar. It's been causing me so much pain ever since and the pain is getting worse. Finally had enough of it cos I cannot put up with the pain (and sleepless nights) anymore, so I went to the dentist earliler (it must be my lucky day cos they had an available slot for me...).

Ended up paying $750 for a root canal treatment (and that's not the end of it... still got to go back to do crowning). Somehow I am glad I got it done because the last time that tooth gave me trouble, I was pregnant with Chloe and the dentist couldn't do much for me. He did warn me that what he did was only temporary and I had to go back and get it sorted out properly.

Seriously, I think that the pain from that darn root canal treatment is worse than childbirth... I am still in so much agony despite taking the painkillers.

Went for my scan this morning and egg follicles are still too small (6mm), meaning that ovulation is nowhere in sight. Doctor wants me to go back again on Friday morning to check if they have grown. I guess I am not surprised by this because it has always taken me longer to reach 17mm (ovulation) than a normal person. I wish I can be 'normal' for once... well at least where it counts. I am crossing my fingers for some positive news on Friday... I am playing the waiting game again.

Mark and I (plus Hershey) met with Amanda and her family at the doggie park on Sunday morning and boy has she grown since I last saw her. She's such a happy and placid baby, and an absolute cutie-pie... Her parents were really nice to offer to let me hold her, which I did for a good hour. Hmmm, is this how holding Chloe will feel like?

I saw this leather photo frame while out shopping and the words on the photo stopped me in my tracks.

In my case, it should be 'I held the whole world in my arms during that one and only time I held my baby'. I really did feel that way when I held Chloe... I really didn't want to let go of her then, and so dearly wish that I still have her in my arms now.