This morning, I came across the article below which was posted by a friend on Facebook. It again brought back a flood of emotions and self-doubt (plus a healthy dose of self-loathing).

Should I have disregarded the doctors' advice and insisted that they do everything possible to keep Chloe alive at all costs? Did I make the wrong (and selfish) decision to let her go for fear of the possible disabilities she may have? Perhaps I should have challenged fate and do what every mother should rightly do, i.e. fight to keep their babies alive?

Maybe if I had held her longer and talked more to her instead of crying my eyes out, she might have her own 'miracle story' to tell? In fact, I did feel her gasping for air a number of times when I held her in my arms. Was it a sign from her that she wanted to fight on for survival but her mother had so selfishly and foolishly made the wrong decision which resulted in her death?

God, I do hate myself so much it's beyond words.

********************************************************

Miracle mum brings premature baby son back to life with two hours of loving cuddles after doctors pronounce him dead

Last updated at 5:47 PM on 27th August 2010

It was a final chance to say goodbye for grieving mother Kate Ogg after doctors gave up hope of saving her premature baby.

She tearfully told her lifeless son - born at 27 weeks weighing 2lb - how much she loved him and cuddled him tightly, not wanting to let him go. Although little Jamie's twin sister Emily had been delivered successfully, doctors had given Mrs Ogg the news all mothers dread - that after 20 minutes of battling to get her son to breathe, they had declared him dead.

They were given the child to say their goodbyes but then, miraculously, two hours later he began to show signs of life.

Having given up on a miracle, Mrs Ogg unwrapped the baby from his blanket and held him against her skin. And then an extraordinary thing happened.

After two hours of being hugged, touched and spoken to by his mother, the little boy began showing signs of life. At first, it was just a gasp for air that was dismissed by doctors as a reflex action. But then the startled mother fed him a little breast milk on her finger and he started breathing normally.

'I thought, "Oh my God, what's going on",' said Mrs Ogg. 'A short time later he opened his eyes. It was a miracle. Then he held out his hand and grabbed my finger.

'He opened his eyes and moved his head from side to side. The doctor kept shaking his head saying, "I don't believe it, I don't believe it".'

Proud mum: Kate with son Jamie when they appeared on Australian TVl. The boy was born prematurely with twin sister Emily at 27 weeks

Five-month-old Jamie sleeps in his mother's arms as she gives an account of his remarkable survival. The Australian mother spoke publicly for the first time yesterday to highlight the importance of skin-on-skin care for sick babies, which is being used at an increasing number of British hospitals. 'He started gasping more and more regularly. I thought, "Oh my God, what's going on?" A short time later he opened his eyes. It was a miracle'.

In most cases, babies are rushed off to intensive care if there is a serious problem during the birth. But the 'kangaroo care' technique, named after the way kangaroos hold their young in a pouch next to their bodies, allows the mother to act as a human incubator to keep babies warm, stimulated and fed. Pre-term and low birth-weight babies treated with the skin-to-skin method have also been shown to have lower infection rates, less severe illness, improved sleep patterns and are at reduced risk of hypothermia.

Mrs Ogg and her husband David told how doctors gave up on saving their son after a three-hour labour in a Sydney hospital in March.

It was after Kate gave her son some of her breast milk on her finger that he began breathing regularly. 'The doctor asked me had we chosen a name for our son,' said Mrs Ogg. 'I said, "Jamie", and he turned around with my son already wrapped up and said, "We've lost Jamie, he didn't make it, sorry". 'It was the worse feeling I've ever felt. I unwrapped Jamie from his blanket. He was very limp.

'I took my gown off and arranged him on my chest with his head over my arm and just held him. He wasn't moving at all and we just started talking to him. 'We told him what his name was and that he had a sister. We told him the things we wanted to do with him throughout his life.

'Jamie occasionally gasped for air, which doctors said was a reflex action. But then I felt him move as if he were startled, then he started gasping more and more regularly. 'I gave Jamie some breast milk on my finger, he took it and started regular breathing.'

Mrs Ogg held her son, now five months old and fully recovered, as she spoke on the Australian TV show Today Tonight.

Her husband added: 'Luckily I've got a very strong, very smart wife. She instinctively did what she did. If she hadn't done that, Jamie probably wouldn't be here'.

We went to a close friend's house for dinner last night and this friend had a young son who recently celebrated his first birthday. They are expecting #2 in October. The little boy is a happy-go-lucky chap, and spent much of the time playing with us and keeping us amused with his antics while his parents were preparing dinner. Their house is filled with the sound of a child's happy laugher and excited shrieks... and this sound will be doubled come October when the second baby arrives. This is a sound that I'd love to hear in my own house.

My sis got me these zipper pulls... thought they are really cute. Trying to find somewhere where I can put them to use.

Over the past 2 weekends, Mark and I went to the temple, and it's something that we will continue to do for the next 2 weekends. It is the lunar seventh month now, aka Hungry Ghost Festival, and we continued on with the 'tradition' of last year where we had a tablet set up at the temple so that prayers and rites can be offered to the deceased, i.e. my two little Angels. According to Buddhist theology, these prayers and rites will supposedly help our deceased loved ones in their reincarnation process. I guess as their parents, this is the least we can do for Lucas and Chloe.

I leave the temple in tears after each visit. It just feels SO, SO wrong... It is SO wrong that I have to PRAY to my Angels instead of PLAY with them... It feels SO wrong that my Angels' names are on a tablet in a temple... It feels SO wrong that Mark and I have to 'visit' them in a temple...

This morning's scan yielded an interesting find. Instead of the one matured follicle which we expected to find in my right ovary, we found two others in my left ovary. Even the doc who did the scan was pleasantly surprised. These two have obviously been 'hiding' when the past few scans took place. Now the three follicles measure 20mm (the original one on the right), 18mm and 17mm respectively. All three are at a decent size and now I just have to wait for the right time for ovulation and for a miracle to happen.

I'll be spending the next 20 days twiddling my thumbs and playing the waiting game.

One solitary follicle measuring at 15mm on Day 15 of my cycle. It is still slightly smaller than the 'desired' size (at least 18mm), so we are continuing with the daily FSH injections to make it 'grow'. Ideally, with the aid of those hormone jabs, I should have more than one mature follicle as it naturally increases the odds of conception. Since I only have one, the odds aren't really in my favour.

Will be going back tomorrow morning for another scan...praying hard that my little follicle has grown (but not too big though cos if it becomes too big aka overstimulated, then it'd also render this cycle useless).

I am upset and affected by something that I read in the papers... I was cautioned by Mark and a friend against reading it because I guess they know how it'd get to me. However, as it was 'dog-related', I knew just had to read it. True enough, it stoked the anger in me (coupled with the fact that I had a very yucky week and a super yucky day).

Some sick in the head cesspit actually hurled a Pomeranian on the floor at least 10 times over a period of 10 minutes. The report went on to say that the dog's face was soaked in blood and it's lifeless body was abandoned at the scene of the crime. What makes me even sicker is that this inhumane act of cruelty was witnessed by some people, who obviously chose to do condone the act and nothing to stop perpetrator. Perhaps they think that 'it's just a dog', perhaps they didn't want to be seen as nosey parkers, perhaps they just cannot be bothered cos it is not their dog... perhaps if someone had done something, the poor dog may still be alive.

I have always been rather proud that Singapore has now grown from a developing country into a developed country, but this incident really got me wondering just how 'developed' we really are.

"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress

can be judged by the way its animals are treated."

- Mahatma Gandhi

My Mom

It's my mom's birthday today and we will all be having a family dinner to celebrate it for her. My sister and I both bought cookbooks for her birthday present. Why? Cos ever since mom retired from her job in July 2009, she's got a lot of free time in her hands and thus experimenting with new dishes, much to Mark's delight because he is enjoying the labours of my mom's newly acquired hobby.

I have always had a good relationship with my mom since young... even when I was in my twenties, she'd frequently let me cuddle on her lap as we watched TV and she'd stroke my head as how she'd done when I was a wee child. Like most Asian parents, my parents do not openly show their affections and there's always a degree of decorum they maintain although it doesn't mean that they love us any less.

My relationship with mom went through a bumpy patch around the lead up to my wedding in 2006. We had tiffs and arguments on a multitude of issues, and that's the only period in my life where I feel isolated from her. At that time, Mark had even told me off on a few occasions for being rude to mom. Looking back, I am certainly not proud of myself. When I found out I was pregnant for the first time, my mom wasn't the first person I told (after Mark). I told the aunt whom I was staying with at that time.

Things changed after I lost Lucas... I saw with my own eyes and felt with my own heart how worried my mom was and how sad she was for me. Our relationship improved and went back to how it was in the past. Partly it's also because I began to understand how it feels like to be a mom (although I may not qualify as one). As a mom, your child will always be a part of you, genetically, physically, emotionally and mentally. As I learn this, I begin to understand and appreciate my mom more.

When I found out that I was expecting the second time, mom was the first person I told after Mark. I am glad that I invited mom to come with me for my 20week ultrasound scan. At least she got to 'meet' her grand-daughter for the first (and last) time and see her alive and moving around in my womb. When I miscarried for the second time, her worry, pain and sadness was even more apparent than before. She stayed by my side those few days, waited for me outside the labour ward when I delivered Chloe and took care of me when I was discharged.

I still feel immense guilt about losing Chloe because the only reason that mom retired from her job is because the original plan was she'd help to look after Chloe after I return to work. How I wish that mom is busy with babysitting Chloe rather than experimenting with the new cookbooks. How I wish that my mom didn't have see her child sad and in pain. How I wish that I can give my mom a grandchild soon. How I wish that the next time my mom accompanies me to the hospital, it'd be to welcome the arrival of her grandchild and to bring that grandchild home with tears of joy rather than tears of sadness.

Nowadays whenever I travel for work, mom will regularly send me "I love you' text messages and ask if I was doing ok or if I had my meals. She didn't use to do it before, and I admit enjoy the feeling it gives me because it makes me feel all 'loved up', like a child cocooned in her mother's protective embrace.

Truly and honestly, I have come to appreciate my mom more for all the things she had done for me and for our family, those are the very same things that I used to take for granted. I used to take her words of concern as mindless nagging... but now whenever she 'nags' at me, I kind of relish it as I know it's because she loves me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Mummy... I love you so much.

A few days ago I was in a cab and as we were stuck in rush hour traffic, the cabbie and I started chatting. Somehow he started telling me about his kids and how hard it is to raise a child in Singapore these days. From what he told me, I gather that he got married and had kids early... and he sounded wistful as he told me about how he wished he could turn back time and had planned properly before starting a family.

He then asked me if I was married and had any kids, so I replied accordingly... then he made the remark that it's good that I have 'planning'. Instinctively I corrected him by saying that where I am today is not part of any plan I have. His remark got me thinking for the rest of the journey... Looking back, Mark and I had planned to get married and kids will come later. We gave ourselves 2 years. We registered our marriage in 2003, had our customary in 2006 and conceived Lucas in 2008. All according to 'plan', it seems. But what wasn't 'planned' was not only have we lost Lucas, we lost Chloe too.

I personally know of people who had shotgun marriages and go on to have a complete family. In hindsight, Mark and I should have just shoved our 'plan' down the chute and started trying as early as 2003 or 2004. I'd have been in my late twenties then, so I reckon my cells/ body should have been younger/ healthier? Moreover, I have problems with fertility and as my biological clock ticks away, my challenge with fertility is hampering progress.

Now I ask myself, what's the point of trying to keep things organized and plan for things when life keeps throwing punches below the belt? C'est la vie...

I went for my second scan yesterday morning to track the size of the follicles... While the follicles did increase in size from when we last took the measurement on Friday, but the growth is quite small (about 3mm) considering the fact that I had 2 injections which was supposed to stimulate them. Kinda disappointing but it's still a bit too early to tell how this cycle will work out. For now, I'd have to continue with the daily injections till the next scan on Thursday.

Having the injections done at home by Mark brought back a flood of memories of when we were trying to conceive Chloe. We did the home injections for 4 months and before we were blessed with our little girl... Oh, and the joy of seeing the 2 pink lines appearing on my home pregnancy kit is something that I'll never forget. Hope to see those 2 pink lines soon.

Present from Amanda

Mark and I had lunch with Amanda and her mom on Saturday because Amanda's parents just came back from a short vacation to Australia and they got me some things. Among all the chocolates and nougats is a book on pregnancy loss. I have just started reading it and find it pretty good cos there are real life stories from women who have suffered pregnancy loss. Most of the other books I have come across focuses a lot on the medical aspects of it rather than the emotional aspect.

They also gave me a figurine from Precious Moment... Ashley told me that it's my belated Mother's Day/ Birthday present from Amanda. It's a 'Godmother' figurine and Ashley told me it'd also double up as my fertility goddess!!

I had my first injection this morning.. kinda caught me unprepared because I thought that it'd just be the routine scan. Anyway, the injection was kindly administered by the nurse who saw how worried/stunned I was when she told me inject myself. I am quite freaked out by the thought of self-injection, but I guess it's really a case of mind over matter. Once you have done it for the first time, you'll get over the mental barrier (I think).

Before I learn to get over my 'mental barrier', Mark will have to help me with the injection tomorrow morning. How exciting...

Hmmm... having serious mixed feelings about tomorrow. I am due to go back to the doctor as part of the next steps for my fertility treatment. I am eager to embark on the new regime, but at the same time there are so many things that's on my mind. I reckon that's the culprit behind my disrupted sleep the past 2 nights.

So what's on my mind? I wonder

whether my body will react to the injections this time, what kind of dosage will I need (this is more of a cost concern), how long do I have to do this before I succeed in achieving my 'goal', what happens if I do succeed/ what happens if I fail, if I fail, then what's the next step??

I also dread the disappointment when the doc does a scan and tells me with a crest-fallen face that 'there's no one at home' (his lingo for 'no mature eggs in the ovaries').

Here are the other 3 figurines from my sister...

This one's called 'Quietly'... Don't quite know why though...

This one is 'Tenderness'.
I like the way the mom and child press their foreheads together.

This is something that I do quite often, but sadly not with a child but rather, with Hershey. I like to press my forehead against hers and rest my nose on her pink muzzle.

Last but not least, the final one is called 'Angel's Embrace'.
(Just occured to me that the 'wings' should have been on the back of the child instead...)

My collection of figurines from Willow Tree proudly on display!!

My Willow Tree collection is growing!! It's grown leaps and bounds because I received 5 from my sister and 3 from my best friend. Here are the 3 that I received from my bestie...

This one is called 'Birthday Girl'

This one is simply called 'Hope'

I guess if you put them together, it'd be called 'A Hopeful Birthday Girl'??

Last but not least, this is the 'Angel of Hope'.

Coming up shortly, I'll share the other 3 from my sister that I haven't blogged about...

My Angels & I...

My sister gave me 2 birthday cards, one each from Lucas and Chloe... What she wrote in the cards was so touching that it made me cry. And as I read those words again (and again), it never fails to make me tear up.

Since I cannot have the 'real thing', I guess this is as close as I can possibly get.

Happy Birthday to Me

Through the years, Mark had given me countless expensive and beautiful gifts on my birthday. This year, he managed to come up with something that surpassed all the past birthday gifts I received from him. It certainly didn't cost a lot, possibly only a tiny fraction of the cost of any one of the handbags he gave me in the past... However, this year's gift is the one which I love the most, and even after it's long gone, the image of it will forever be etched in my mind.

He told me the 'idea' from one of our conversations a couple of weeks back (which I don't really have a recollection of). He asked me what I'd like for my birthday present, and I replied him 'Lucas and Chloe'. Somehow he came up with this idea and made them become part of my birthday celebration.

Thank you, dearest Lucas. Thank you, Chloe sweetie. Most of all, thank you my darling, for all that you have done, and for making my wish come true (well, as close to it as you possibly could anyway). Our 'family dinner' last night was almost perfect.

Mark and I went for another short hotel stay over the last weekend as a pre-birthday celebration for me, as well as an 'escape from Hershey' getaway. The recent hotel stays have made me realize that Singapore's city skyline is changing so fast, and I do like the new skyline a lot. Frankly, it's not as iconic as Sydney's Darling Harbour with the Opera House, nor is it as majestic as the view of Hong Kong island from the Kowloon side, but it gives us an 'identity'.

The view from our room was lovely, but alas, we had to miss the fireworks that'd have taken place right in front of our window because we had to go to a pre-arranged family outing.

It was a very lovely day on the day we checked in, so immediately after putting down our stuff in the room, we changed and went to the pool. The color of the sky was incredibly bue and the cloud formations had my complete attention for quite a while. Although we already had a heavy breakfast, we ordered a Club Sandwich to share because we simply couldn't resist it.

The nice folks from the hotel gave me a bottle of champagne and a birthday cake as a surprise... and that night, after our family outing, Mark planned for some of our friends to come over for drinks (and more cake!!!).

Lunch the following day was very memorable too. We went to the Italian restaurant (Dolce Vita)for their champagne lunch. It's my first time tasting food prepared by a Michelin star chef, and the amount of food they served us blew my mind away. Basically Mark tried every single dish they had listed on the menu below, i.e. 8 Starters, 12 Main Courses and 4 Desserts. (I surrendered after sampling all the starters but Mark went all the way).

*** Starters ***

*** Main Courses ***

*** Dessert ***

**Burp**