I woke up this morning wondering about today's date... I knew it was a somewhat important date but couldn't recall what it is or why. After thinking hard for 5 min, I finally had the answer. On this date, 29 September, four years ago, Mark and I held our customary wedding.

It's amazing how the last 4 years had gone by so quickly. Our plan 4 years ago was to wait 2 years before we begin trying to start a family. Obviously we didn't know then how much difficulties we'd have in this aspect, and we had no clue we'd suffer 2 devastating losses in the process. In hindsight, all those 'preventive measures' we had taken back then was really unnecessary because it seems like I cannot even conceive when I am undergoing fertility treatment!! Ahhh.. the mockery...

Four years on, there's still no baby but we have 2 Angels instead.

My sis gave me this figurine to add to my angel collection. My collection of angel figurines and Willow Tree items are growing and I am close to running out of space to display them... I think it's about time I have a chat with Mark to get him to remove all his DVDs from the shelves so that I can continue to expand my collection.

Initially it started out as a rather tough weekend because 2 people I know have given birth in the last 2 days. I wonder when it is going to be my turn (and whether it'd happen at all even). There they are going to hospitals to deliver their respective bundles of joy, and here I am going to the hospital for fertility treatment.

For the next 2 weeks, I have to wait for the outcome again. It is nerve-wrecking and tiresome... and I totally dread another failure.

The only saving grace was a surprise that came from a friend whom I haven't seen in a really long time. If I'm not wrong, the last time I saw my friend was at her older child's first month celebration, and that baby is now a school-going child and even has a little brother. We have drifted apart for a while because we are each busy with our own lives, but when she found out about my 2 pregnancy losses, she contacted me and we got back into contact. I guess as a mom herself and having gone through 2 pregnancies which posed some challenges, she knows how it'd feel to be in the shoes of a mom who is worried about the viability of her pregnancy and the well-being of her baby. I am happy that at least she's now got 2 healthy and very good-looking kids.

She dropped off 3 packages over at my place late Friday evening... I was totally surprised and had no idea what to expect.

Yes, now I have more to add to my Willow Tree collection! They are now proudly on display with the rest... Thank You, Bee, for the lovely surprise, and more importantly, for your friendship and support.

'Touched by Angels'

I came across this window display of a UK clothing store when I was in Hong Kong earlier this month. Obviously the cherubs caught my eye and I find the 'setting' really cool. Furthermore, the words on the banner 'TOUCHED BY ANGELS' is something very close to my heart. I am suddenly very inspired that this will be part of the my next tattoo.

中秋节快乐

Last night's moon was just as it should be at Mid Autumn. It was full and shinning brightly against the dark velvety sky. It rained in the early evening but the weather cleared up in time for little kids to go for a walkabout with their lanterns.

Earlier on, I had bought some traditional lanterns (not the battery operated kind cos I feel that they are too commercialized)... I wanted to give Lucas and Chloe their own lantern each. Instead of going for a walkabout with the 2 lanterns, I hung them at my bedroom balcony where I can see them as I lay on my bed.

How I wish that instead of hanging the 2 lanterns on the pole, they'd be carried in the hands of my Lucas and Chloe. How I wish that instead of lying on the bed and staring at the lanterns, I'd be taking Lucas and Chloe for a walk with their lanterns.

宝贝们，中秋节快乐...

The egg follicle measures 16.5mm today, so I have to continue with another 2 days of injections for it to reach maturity. One thing I forgot to find out from the doctor is how many other 'potential follicles' there are other than the biggest one he measured. Naturally, I am hoping that there are at least 2 follicles so as to increase my chance of conception.

From the way things are progressing, the big 'O' day should fall on Saturday or Sunday, or perhaps even Monday at the very latest.

Mark previously installed this programme on my iPhone called 'iPregnancy'. It enables you to track the progress of your pregnany by week and you can put in the dates of your check-ups and appointments and set reminders, as well as take photos of the ultrasound scans, etc.

I was hoping that I would have conceived during my previous cycle so that this baby would've been due in June 2011. June is a somewhat 'special' month for me cos I lost both my babies in June. Was kinda hoping that if I have a June baby, it'd sort of be a nice way to pay tribute to my 2 Angels.

When I did the screenshot on Saturday, the expected due date would've been on 26 June, the day we lost Chloe.

I still miss her so much.

Mark accompanied me for my ultrasound scan this morning and I am glad I had him (and my iPhone) for company because there were many people and it was a long wait.

Result - Size of the follicles are still small, ranging around 5mm-6mm, only so there's a long way to go still. So far I have had 3 injections (over 3 days) for this cycle... reckon I'd require another 6 to 8 injections before the desired size can be achieved.

During my last check-up, the doctor ordered a blood test to test my thyroid function because I told him that my last period was unusually short. Results came back and while the doctor didn't seem overly concerned, he told me that my results are a wee bit above the normal range. No medication required for now, but it's something that will be monitored moving forward.

Yesterday Mark's brother announced to us that the baby they are expecting to arrive early next year is a little girl. I felt happy for him and also a pang of envy because I can imagine the day where his little girl will be looking up at him adoringly and when he'll be all putty in her little hands. From the day I found out that Chloe is a girl, I already had ideas and visualized about how close she will be with Mark and how much he will adore his princess.

Now that Mark and I have a niece, it'd be fun to be able to buy stuff for her; stuff that I'd otherwise have gotten for Chloe. I think my little niece will be spoiled rotten because all the young kids at Mark's place are boys, and having a little girl will be nice for a change.

Somehow I've always had the idea that little girls and dads will always share a special bond, thus the term 'daddy's girl'. A colleague who has got 4 kids (lucky bloke!), 3 girls and a boy, shared this proverb with me which I find pretty true - "My son is my son till he gets a wife, But my daughter will be my daughter all her life."

While washing my hair this morning, the one side of my favourite diamond earrings became unclasped and dropped straight into the drainage. My heart sank to my little toe because I received it as a wedding present 4 years ago and it's the only pair of earrings that I really like enough to wear daily.

What a horrible way to start the day... I spent the rest of the day sulking and moping away.

I am so gonna miss it.

Tomorrow morning, I will be going back to see the fertility doctor again. I guess round #2 of injections will soon commence.