A globe-trotting friend of mine whom I rarely see was in Singapore recently and he brought me a special gift. I guess he knows that I badly needed some good luck in my life although we have never openly discussed it, so he gave me a four leaf clover. It is a genuine, natural four leaf clover that he got for me when he was in Ireland, the land of Shamrocks.

A four leaf clover can be found in the fields of three leaf clover, and the odds of finding one is 10,000 to 1, hence I guess that's why people say that they bring good luck cos they are so rare and hard to come by.

Background on the link between the Four Leaf Clover and Good Luck:

- The four leaf clover is a universally accepted symbol of good luck with its origin ages old. According to legend, Eve carried a four leaf clover from the Garden of Eden.

- The Druids held the 4 leaf clover in high esteem and considered them a sign of luck. In 1620, Sir John Melton wrote: "If a man walking in the fields find any four-leaved grass, he shall in a small while after find some good thing."

- According to Irish folklore, finding a stem of clover with 4 leaves will bring you good luck, but finding a clover stem with more than 4 leaves will not bring you even more luck.

The mystique of the four leaf clover continues today, since finding a real four leaf clover is still a rare occurrence and omen of good luck.

I really hope that this four leave clover will bring me the good luck that's been evading me for the last 3 years. It has now taken the pride of place on my display shelf in the living room amongst my collection of angels. Please, please let the four leaf clover work its magic on our family... Please, please let me conceive a healthy baby in this cycle.

I am about to run out of 'space' on my belly for the injections... I never thought I'd say this, but with a tummy as 'spacious' as mine is, I didn't think I'd run out of space, un-bruised space that is. The FSH injections have to be injected into the body fats, and the 'ideal' space to do it is about 2 inches away and below the belly-button. Hit the needle in the wrong spot and you end up hitting a blood vessel, which will then result in a lot of pain and a subsequent (hideous) bruise.

Anyway, my little egg suddenly decided to grow leaps and bounds from when we last did the scan, which is good cos this means I can stop the daily FSH injections. On the last scan on Tuesday, it measured 11mm and in 3 days, the egg increased to 18.5mm. Typically the growth rate is about 1mm a day. Well, I am not complaining... At 18.5mm the egg has reached maturity and ovulation is anytime from now till over the weekend, which works out great for me/ us.

My little (four-legged) girl seems to be back to her normal, rambunctious self. She's eating well, peeing and pooping normally, barking at dogs in the neighbourhood, playing with her toys... I will keep a watchful eye on her for the next fortnight and hope whatever problem she that afflicted her yesterday morning wouldn't come back to haunt her/ us.

I'll have to leave her alone at home for a couple of hours when I go for my TCM appointment later . Yeah... I am looking forward to have more needles poking into my already bruised belly and have little shocks of electric currents in my body... Woohooo... (and not forgetting, to replenish my supply of the funky tasting medication).

Hershey almost gave me a heart attack this morning. I fed her like on any other day and she ate her food with gusto because I added in some boiled carrots which she loves. After that I noticed her rather odd behaviour. She was sticking very close to me and kept looking up at me. When I was washing her bowl, she laid down on the mat that I placed under the sink and refused to budge even when I went into the room (she'd usually follow me). I felt something was amiss and offered her some of her favourite treats but she merely sniffed at them and continued to mope.

Less than 10 minutes after finishing her breakfast, she walked a few steps to the yard and threw it all back up. She was so weak that she just laid down next to her vomit. I checked her gums and they were deathly pale. That's when I knew something was seriously wrong with her. I even had to carry her into the bathroom with me as I took a quick shower before taking her to the vet because she refused to budge from the yard.

When we arrived at the vet, some of her color seem to have returned and she was somewhat back to her usual prissy self. For the first time ever, I was happy when she growled at another dog (a cute, large English Bulldog was trying to sniff her). The vet checked Hershey's gums and while they were still slightly pale, it was a big improvement from earlier. We spent some anxious moments waiting for the blood test results to be out.. I have read enough stories about dogs who have gone to the Rainbow Bridge after problems with their blood (tick fever, infections, etc) to know that it can go downhill pretty quickly. So much so that I managed to work myself into a state of panic.

Fortunately her blood test results (right) turned out fine, but we still have no inkling what caused the earlier episode. Since it is the first time this has happened, we were told to monitor her for the next fortnight and to bring her in immediately if it recurs. If it happens again (**knock on wood), they'll do an ECG to ensure that her heart function is normal.

Today I learnt one valuable lesson. I learnt that I love Hershey much more than I care to let on... I used to complain that she drives me up the wall and have even made remarks like I want to send her away. More than once (maybe more like on a weekly basis) Mark and I even joked that we wouldn't mind finding her a new home. However when I saw her lying listlessly next to her vomit, that familiar feeling of fear of losing someone/ something you love gripped my heart. The last time I had this feeling was when I held Chloe in my arms when she was breathing her last. That was a feeling of love, helplessness, fear and heartache all rolled into one. This was also when I knew the 'She-Devil on Four Paws' has managed to dig herself a place deep in my heart.

Oh and another clear indication of my love for her... I was so worried about her that I didn't even notice that I went out of the house without any make-up (very rare!!). When we were talking to the vet, Mark discreetly pointed to my face with a somewhat grossed out and stunned look. Apparently the weather plus all the running around made me break out in sweat, which resulted in my 'sweat rash' (yup, my own sweat causes an itchy, red rash) to break out in angry red blotches all over my face. There was nothing I could do except to fan myself to cool myself down. Thinking of it now, I think I looked like a Chinese opera singer gone wrong. Seriously.

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I love you Hershey-girl... Yes, yes, including your 'psycho-ness', 10.5 gigawatts of energy, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD, diagnosed by yours truly), Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS, also diagnosed by yours truly), TV jumping, body slamming my bed when I am sleeping, resting your bum/nether region on my head/face when I am sleeping, barking for no reason in the middle of the night, fighting with me for more bed space, farting in my face, etc....

I spent most of yesterday snoozing and in pain because I think I am down either with food poisoning/ stomach flu/ gastric flu... The earlier part of the day was spent either vomitting or having diarrhea, and the later part of the day a fever kept me in bed. The fever made me so dizzy and real achy all over that I was too weak get out of bed. It's a good thing I had Mark taking care of me and giving me medicine. I was feeling so bad yesterday that I thought I wouldn't be able to make it to see the fertility doctor this morning.

Most of the symptoms seem to have faded away by the morning and I was able to go for my appointment with Dr Anu. Don't know what is happening, but the follicles seem to be growing real slow this time. Usually it'd take about one-and-a-half vials of FSH (follicle stimulating hormones) injections for the eggs to reach maturity, but this time round, I am almost done with the second vial but the biggest egg that's showing the most promise is only 11.5mm, which is the halfway point. Each vial of medication costs $$270 and for this cycle, I am spending much more than expected due to the addition medication required.

OMG... for the past 3 days, I have been feeling SO bloated and my tummy looks like I am already 5 months pregnant. Even Mark commented that my tummy looks big (he is usually quite sensitive about making such comments. Hence for him to say something about it, I know the situation must be real bad). WTF!!

I am guessing it is a combination of the side effect of the hormone injections (yes, I just started on a new cycle of the fertility program), as well as the surplus of good food and snacks from Chinese New Year. I feel so appallingly hideous that I have not had the guts to weigh myself for the past 3 days and tried to avoid looking at mirrors.

Our first photos with Rynnae taken on the first day of Chinese New Year! She is exactly one week old when the photo was taken and when Mark and I saw her for the first time, we were very surprised at just how tiny she was. She only weighed 2.8kg (or around 6 pounds) at birth, looks totally exquisite (ok, in my eyes, ALL babies are exquisite). I tried to find every opportunity to hold her, pat her, stroke her, caress her cheeks and sniff her adorable baby scent.

Totally enjoyed spending time with her and something as simply as looking at her sleeping so snugly and contentedly in her cot can be so fulfilling. She also gurgles and pulls the cutest faces when she is asleep... possibly dreaming of something nice.

My sis-in-law (aka Rynnae's mom) must have by now learnt from her husband and/or my mom-in-law about my sob stories with Lucas and Chloe as well as how Mark and I are struggling to conceive now. When we were alone in the room, my sis-in-law told me that she hopes my god-daughter will usher a little baby to me this year and that by the next Chinese New Year, Rynnae will have a playmate. When she saw how I was cradling Rynnae and cooing over her, she again said that she hopes that Mark and I will be blessed with a baby soon.

Holding Rynnae brought back bittersweet memories of Chloe. Chloe was obviously lighter and smaller since she was premature, but that maternal feeling of remains the same... I miss that feeling. That is the feeling of cradling a tiny, vulnerable being in your arms and the onslaught of the primal instinct of wanting to protect, nourish and love it with the core of your being and every single ounce of your soul. I miss that feeling and I love feeling that way.

This year, I have had many different people wishing me that THAT particular wish of mine will come true... with all the blessings that I have received, I truly hope so. Dear God, please please please grant me my wish. I promise I'll never ask you for anything more for the rest of my life.

Happy Bunny New Year to my Angels

I continued with my usual practice of preparing red packets for Lucas and Chloe. It is Lucas' 3rd red packet and Chloe's 2nd one. I'd like to be able to continue with this 'tradition' for as long as I live (or as long as I am not senile). There's not a single day where I don't think of them, and not a single night where I don't say 'goodnight' to them... but the feeling of sadness and pain becomes more acute in special occasions and festivals like this. Giving out red packets to other peoples' children is always filled with a pinch of sadness.

We spent most of today at Mark's place with his family and of course I got to meet and hold my god-daughter for the very first time. I'll share the photos and details on my next post. Mark's grandmother, as per the past 3 years, wished me '早生贵子' and this year she added an additional '添丁发财', which basically means the same thing, i.e. may you have a son soon. Past years I'd normally mumble some response and slink away, but this year I responded differently by telling her 'thank you and I hope your blessings will come true because I am already trying very hard'. I keep disappointing this old lady (and everyone else)... I sincerely hope that her blessings for me will come true, and with the blessings from the matriarch of the Lee family, I pray that I will be blessed with a successful pregnancy and a healthy baby.

Little Rynnae Lee

Introducing our 5 day old god-daughter, Rynnae Lee (yes, spelt with double 'n')!!! Lucas and Chloe have got a new cousin and god-sister. I love her big eyes and although I haven't seen her yet, I heard from my brother-in-law that she's a fiesty little one. I can't wait to meet her tomorrow (please don't let me cry...).

My nephew and sis-in-law (Mark's sister) came to stay with us yesterday and I got to have many long, heart to heart conversations with my sis-in-law. Usually we only get to meet up on special occasions because she is based in Kuala Lumpur, but we do keep in touch regularly through the phone. She and I have always gotten along so well that we are more like friends and we often share problems problems with each other.

Today while we were on the way back from another New Year shopping trip, my 6 year old nephew suddenly asked came up with a barrage of questions that both my sis-in-law and I totally didn't expect. He asked us 'Why doesn't Auntie Shane have a baby yet?', 'Is there a baby in Auntie Shane's stomach?' and 'Where is Auntie Shane's baby?'. We have no idea what triggered these questions because he's never asked them before. I'm not sure if he knew what was happening when we lost Chloe because he could obviously see my baby bump, but I wonder if he knew there was a baby inside since he was only four-and-a-half years old then. When he asked where the baby was, was asking about Chloe?

Sigh... I really wish I had the answers to ALL his questions. Actually I'd like to know those answers myself.