Apparently, I still haven't 'gotten over it' (as many people had advised me that I would in time to come). That was almost 3 years ago and I still am far from being 'over it'. Perhaps I have gotten better at managing and controlling my emotions, plus the arrival of little bun had helped to heal some of the rawness of the pain, but one thing is for sure... the wound is still there and will always be. It is a scar I wear with pride because it is also a reminder of the little girl whose little hands I will never get to hold and whose chubby cheeks I will never get to kiss.
I am very sure the day that I handed Chloe over to the nurse, I handed over a piece of my heart too. When they placed her body in the little white coffin, my heart was there alongside her. On the day Chloe was cremated, that part of my heart was cremated along with her tiny, lifeless body.
I came across this video (posted by someone on Facebook), and while I resisted the urge to watch it initially, I caved in eventually. I couldn't resist the title of the video. This little baby, like Chloe, was born 4 months premature. Watching the video of the tiny newborn reminded me SO much of the first (and last) time I saw/ held Chloe. She was THAT small... with the same translucent skin, limbs like matchsticks and palms and feet the size of what you'd find on dolls. Needless to say, I cried throughout the video, and I am still fighting back tears as I type this out.
The only difference between this baby and my Chloe is that his parents gave him a chance at life. This is something that I took that away from Chloe. Would she have made it and become a miracle baby herself IF ONLY I had given her the chance?
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