Apparently, I still haven't 'gotten over it' (as many people had advised me that I would in time to come). That was almost 3 years ago and I still am far from being 'over it'. Perhaps I have gotten better at managing and controlling my emotions, plus the arrival of little bun had helped to heal some of the rawness of the pain, but one thing is for sure... the wound is still there and will always be. It is a scar I wear with pride because it is also a reminder of the little girl whose little hands I will never get to hold and whose chubby cheeks I will never get to kiss.

I am very sure the day that I handed Chloe over to the nurse, I handed over a piece of my heart too. When they placed her body in the little white coffin, my heart was there alongside her. On the day Chloe was cremated, that part of my heart was cremated along with her tiny, lifeless body.

I came across this video (posted by someone on Facebook), and while I resisted the urge to watch it initially, I caved in eventually. I couldn't resist the title of the video. This little baby, like Chloe, was born 4 months premature. Watching the video of the tiny newborn reminded me SO much of the first (and last) time I saw/ held Chloe. She was THAT small... with the same translucent skin, limbs like matchsticks and palms and feet the size of what you'd find on dolls. Needless to say, I cried throughout the video, and I am still fighting back tears as I type this out.

The only difference between this baby and my Chloe is that his parents gave him a chance at life. This is something that I took that away from Chloe. Would she have made it and become a miracle baby herself IF ONLY I had given her the chance?

Water Baby!!

We brought little bun to the swimming pool for the very first time and our little boy had a blast (and so did we)!! He had a fun time paddling those chubby little legs and when he got tired/bored, he just drifted around the pool in his cute float which Mark bought for him (it even comes with a 'shelter'!). I guess he finds this experience a novelty, yet at the same time very familiar because he spent 9 long months in a bag of water inside my belly!

This new experience kept him entertained for a good 30 minutes before daddy decided that little bun has had enough fun for the day. All three of us enjoyed ourselves so much we have decided to do it every weekend, if weather permits. I am already looking forward to our next trip to the pool!

Look ma, big bubble!!

Blogger has changed totally!! New layout that positively sucks. Got to figure out the changes. I AM NOT IMPRESSED at all!! Grrrrr....

Hershey is 4 years old today!! Can’t believe my little ‘She-Devil’ is already four… Mark got her for me on my birthday in 2008. It was the year that we lost Lucas and he got her for me/us to take our minds all the sadness. Having her in our lives during that low period certainly helped cos her puppy antics kept us VERY busy. I was always busy checking to make sure she wasn’t destroying anything OR busy trying to salvage the things she destroyed (like the day curtains, the legs of our dining chairs, the parquet skirting in our bedroom, etc).

I spent Sunday afternoon baking a ‘cake’ for her… it was more of a meatloaf really. (It had minced beef, minced pork, mashed potatoes, mashed pumpkins and julienned carrots.) She seemed to know (I have no idea how) that whatever I was whipping up was for her cos she was hanging out in the kitchen and looking at me with her doleful eyes. It’s been a very long time since I cooked anything for Huskee and Hershey.. I used to enjoy cooking for them and it was very therapeutic. However, work took over at some stage and then coupled with me being tied up (obsessed?) with trying for a baby, so my poor doggies took the back seat for a while. Not that they minded or blamed me, which is why I love them so much. They don’t judge me and are always so forgiving and full of unconditional love. We humans can take a page (or a few pages) out of their doggie handbook!

Jumperoo!!!

To celebrate little bun's half-a-year-old birthday, little bun's doting dad bought for him this Jumperoo from Fisher-Price. His daddy bought it behind mummy's back and without using any of the membership discounts that mummy has. It would have shaved at least 10%-15% off. The mummy is not happy.

Mark and I had been discussing whether or not we should be buying the Jumperoo or the ExerSaucer from Evenflo for little bun for a couple of weeks now. They both cost quite a bit, so there's no way we can get both. Moreover, they are both pretty big and bulky, we have no room in our pigeon-hole sized apartment for both of them. The other thing holding me back is this will only be able to keep little bun intersted for only a couple of months. The 'return on investment' actually is not high. Well, I suppose to Mark, nothing is more important that his champion having fun and enjoying himself, so he went ahead and bought the Jumperoo after reading reviews of both products.

Below are photos of the first time we put little bun into the Jumperoo... he was quite puzzled and uncertain of the new toy at first. In fact I think he was a little afraid of the flashing lights and loud music.

I have put him in again today (3rd time) while I did some housework and he is showing a lot of interest in it! (Whew..for a moment I was really worried that it'd be money down the gutter if he doesn't fancy it). Little bun was turning himself around to the different areas and also started 'jumping' gently. Hope he continues to show interest in his new toy!!

Little Bun is 6 Months Old!!

Guess what?!! This little boy turns 6 months today!!

For me, time had never pass faster than it did in the last 6 months... I cannot believe the squirming baby whom I am struggling to contain in my arms today was a teeny-tiny infant just 6 months ago. Instead of crying, he's now able to coo and make weird noises when the mood catches him. He breaks into the most awesome gummy smile when Mark and I are doing the 'right' things to entertain him. His little stubby (and drool coated) fingers grabs and pulls anything and everything within his reach, which usually is my hair and/or spectacles.

My heart is filled with an incredible amount of love for this little human, and if it's even possible, my love for him continues to grow and grow and grow... He single-handedly brought the joy back into our lives, and he gives meaning to my life. He is the reason why I look forward to waking up each morning and he is the reason why I can smile again (and he is also the reason why I drag myself to work).

Mark and I are so blessed with our healthy and happy child who has a ready smile and cheeky grin. This is what I hope for him for the rest of his life.. simply to be happy and healthy always.

Little bun getting his 6 Months Old birthday kiss from his big sister, Hershey.

Little bun: "Help me, momma..."

I was clearing out the old messages on my phone and came across this message from Mark. I had always known that Mark will be a wonderful daddy, but it still takes my breath away and gives me a lump in my throat whenever I see Mark having some father-and-son time with little bun. I see a side of him that I've never seen before, the gentle yet fiercely protective side PLUS the super duper naggy side (e.g "be careful with his hands/legs/head", "please support his back when you are carrying him", "is he too hot/cold?", etc...).

I have a very strong hunch that when little bun is bigger, he and his daddy are going to be thick as thieves.

Little Bun's First Semi-Solid Food

I have started giving little bun semi-solids after he turned 5 months. So far I have only attempted to introduce him to mashed vegetables (mixed with breast milk) a handful of times... first was mashed sweet potato, second was mashed pumpkin, third was mashed avocado and then today we are back on sweet potato.

We didn't have much of a success on my first 2 attempts as more food ended up on little bun's shirt rather than in his little tummy! It seem like he didn't know what to do with the food in his mouth. I am pleased that by our 3rd attempt, he had figured out how this new 'eating game' should be played and we are having a lot more success. He had finished up a small piece of sweet potato today.

Yet another milestone reached!! Can't wait to try out more food with him... papayas, bananas, apples, baby cereal... fun times ahead!

I hate to leave my little boy behind in the morning when I go to work. Clearly, he's not too pleased about it and neither am I.

Although today is Easter Monday, we don't get the day off in Singapore (a client was surprised when I told her this.. she asked me "You mean every year in Singapore, you celebrate the crucification of Jesus Christ but not the resurrection?" I didn't know how to reply to her). I am lucky cos I don't have to work today, but poor Mark trudged off to a client meeting the first thing in the morning.. Poor guy. I am sure he'd be having 'withdrawal symptoms' from being away from little bun after spending so much time with him over the Easter weekend.

I did my dance with little bun when we watched 'Ellen' this morning **happy dance**. Will have to wait till Friday to do it again... back to work tomorrow. Boohooohoo...

What a Wonderful World

I had a most wonderful Good Friday weekend with my 2 favourite boys.. we spent quality time together as a family and even managed to catch up with friends! Little bun was a trooper and despite the 3 days of non-stop activites, he behaved like a champion.

Little bun will soon be turning 6 months and after all these time of learning to be parents and getting to 'know' this newcomer, Mark and I are getting a lot more adept and confident when we bring him out. We know what each type of fussing means (i.e. hunger, tiredness, needs soothing or plain simple crankiness) and can better pre-empt them before the fussing progresses into full blown wailing.

My weekend was so simple, yet so perfect. I am once again able to find joy and meaning in my life. Before little bun came along, I'd never have imagined that I could ever feel happy again... I honestly never thought I'd ever be able to smile from my heart, but then he came along and changed my life.. or rather, he changed our lives.

Back to the Rat Race

It is my first day back to work… back to an environment which I am familiar with. It feels kind of strange to be back. I have been away for 18 months but it feels like I have never left! Most things have not changed (now is this a good or a bad thing?).

I was missing little bun terribly by lunchtime and was wondering non-stop if he was doing ok without me and wondering if my mom was able to take care of him. I texted my mom incessantly throughout the day to find out how things were and it does seem like little bun was coping with the change better than I. He was feeding and napping like a champion.. Clearly, he didn’t experience any of the separation anxiety that is plaguing his mommy.

Things I Will Miss

These are the things I will miss terribly when I start work tomorrow:

1) Being able to sleep in and only wake up together with little bun at 8am

2) Watching my favourite 'The Ellen DeGeneres Show' with little bun at 9am

3) Dancing with little bun when Ellen does her dance segment as she kicks off each episode (little bun and I have been dancing 'together' with Ellen for the past 3 months).

4) Taking afternoon naps with little bun

5) Watching little bun learn/do new things

6) Being able to cuddle little bun anytime I want

The list is doesn't just end here, but I have to stop because it's making me very depressed... Off I go to sob to sob my heart out.