Little Rynnae turned one month old over the weekend. For us Chinese, I reckon this is an important event, so we celebrated it for her with a family lunch yesterday. She was really well-behaved throughout our 2 hour lunch... basically she slept through the whole hullabaloo.

The dress that Rynnae is wearing was crocheted by her grandma (aka my MIL) and she looked so adorable wearing it. As time passes, she is begining to resemble my brother-in-law more and more. Good thing that she still has her mommy's eyes, which are big with thick double eyelids.

"Thoughts on Becoming a Mother"

An ex-client who is based in the U.S sent me an email yesterday. She told me she came across an article and she immediately thought of me. Like me, she also has PCOS and is struggling to conceive. A few years back, she underwent IVF and had succeed in getting pregnant with a pair of twins, but sadly,she had a miscarriage and lost both babies.

Anyway, the article that she sent me totally hits home. I have always known deep inside that I will be a great mother and I will never take my baby for granted. I will never whinge about sleepless nights, dirty diapers, screaming baby, pregnancy weight gain, sore boobs from breastfeeding, etc... each of these 'inconveniences' for other parents will to me, be my signs of my victory.

I feel, and I know, that I am a better person because of what I have been through. I now know who are the people who truly love and care about me, and for the people who love me and whom I love; I have learnt to give them my unconditional love; I have learnt 'To live and let live'; I have learnt to laugh hard and at the same time, I have also learnt that it is ok to cry hard too;. Most importantly, I think I have finally learnt to love myself more. My Angels have made me a better and stronger person.

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"Thoughts on Becoming a Mother"

"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother."

Phuket --- Part 2

Our host informed us that there is a local tradition in Thailand in which you light a giant lantern, make your wish (or wishes) and let the lantern soar into the sky. Since Mark and I have a common unfulfilled wish, we decided to try our luck at it. Since there's no rule on whether you can make a single wish or many wishes, I was 'greedy' and made three wishes. Who knows... maybe our wish/es may have a better chance of being fulfilled in a foreign land. We bought a giant red lantern (comes in a few colors... white, red, yellow, turquoise..) and with the help and advice from our Thai housekeeper, we lit our lantern, made our wishes and let it float away.

Holding onto our lantern while waiting for it to fill up with hot air

Still holding on while trying hard not to tear the filmsy paper

Making its way into the night sky...

...soaring higher and higher, further and further...

... and carrying our wishes along with it.

There was a really special moment right after we released our lantern... instead of drifting away, it floated directly above our heads and as we stood there watching, it stayed still for a moment, glowing brightly against the backdrop of the twinkling stars that littered the night sky. Mark and I stood there silently holding hands and savouring the moment.

I stayed alone on the balcony watching the lantern drift further and further away until it became a tiny speck of light which eventually disappeared from my sight. The 3 wishes that I made are:

1. I want my Angels to know that we'll always love them, will never stop thinking of them and are missing them every day. Some day when our time here is up, we will be reunited.




2. I hope to have my own healthy, happy baby at the end of a 40 week uneventful pregnancy.




3. I wish for good health and happiness for our both sets of parents... May they have a chance to carry their grandchild from Mark and I in their arms.

Phuket --- Part 1

We are back from sunny Phuket... the end of a dream vacation and back to reality. The load of laundry from our trip hasn't even fully dried, but Mark and I are already planning for our next trip there! Our friend's 'apartment' where we stayed in was more like a 3 storey penthouse perched on top of a hill, and we were spoiled rotten by his live-in housekeeper who took care of all our meals, cleaned up our rooms, did our laundry, took us sightseeing at all the famous beaches and arranged for our nightly in-house massages. This is far from the 'budget holiday' which we had originally planned for and I certainly am not complaining.

Our host aka owner of the apartment (the same guy who gave me the four-leaf clover from Ireland) gave us a surpise welcome by turning up at the airport to pick us up... it was totally unexpected because he was supposed to be in Vietnam on a business trip, but a last minute change in plan cut short his business trip and he was able to fly over to Phuket and join us for one day. He's travelled all around the world and had amassed heaps of nice carpets, furniture, paintings and accessories which he'd used to furnish his lovely penthouse.

So looking forward to my short vacation with Mark, which will be starting real soon!!! (Probably wouldn't get a chance to blog until I return later in the week.) This is a 'budget holiday' of sorts since I am budget conscious. We are travelling on a budget carrier and putting up at a friend's apartment (he's bought it as a 'vacation pad' and has been inviting us to go over for a holiday for the longest time). This is quite different from the usual vacations that we have taken because this is the first time Mark and I are going away on a beach holiday... both of us prefer the urban lifestyle and we are the self-proclaimed 'town mouse', so our vacations usually revolves around big cities.

Anyway, I just want some quality time with Mark before I start my job hunt... unfortunately, what I have initially planned as a couple's getaway is no longer the case cos a friend is coming along with us. Oh well.. some company could be good (right??!!). Looking forward to having endless massages and my tom yum soup... and sleeping/ waking up late... oh and no dog barking at everything and at nothing...

(I came across an interesting article... Apparently, if you want to have a child born on 11/11/2011, today is THE day to have sex, that is assuming that your baby co-operates and arrives just on the correct day; not before, not after. I stand zero chance cos my ovulation date happened a week ago. In another 10 days, I should know the results of the last cycle.)

I have been having a strange digestive problem of late... Whenever I take my meals (regardless of what I eat), I feel horribly bloated and uncomfortable immediately afterwards and the feeling can stretch on for several hours. If I don't eat/ skip a meal, my gastric feels normal but my poor stomach will growl in protest. This has been on-going for the past 5 odd days, and I think Mark is sick of hearing me complain about feeling bloated. To worsen things further, I think/ see/ feel that my waistline has expanded with all the gas in my stomach...

Later this evening I will be accompanying Mark to his company's annual dinner. Hope that no one thinks that I am pregnant with my bloated tummy. Oh and I also hope that Mark's super bigoted, full of shit and egoistic friend cum colleague will steer clear of me if he knows what is good for him. I swear if he says anything to Mark which I feel is 'improper', I will chew his head off without remorse. This guy has been constantly making snide remarks to Mark, competing with him and saying things to put Mark down... I don't know how and why Mark puts up with him, and when I ask him, my darling husband will only reply 'you know how he is, so why bother?'. Strangely though, this guy has always been considerably polite and nice to me, which is unfortunate cos it doesn't give me an excuse to tell him how I really feel about him.

My advice to Mr 'My Balcony is Bigger than your Living Room' (this is what he's been saying to us ever since we first invited him over for our house-warming party 2 years ago), you'd better STEER CLEAR and/ or ZIP YOUR GAP... A bloated woman is a super grouchy bitch.

We went back to Mark's place last Sunday to celebrate his mom's birthday. Actually it was also a convenient excuse for me to go back and see Rynnae. It's only been slightly over a week since I last saw her, but incredibly, she seem to have grown and has become more alert of her surroundings. The other thing I noticed is that she likes scrunching up her face and is quite fond of making cute faces! Couldn't get enough of her and I held her for a really long time while she snoozed away.

After what I have gone through in trying to achieve my goal, I now know what a miracle and how precious each baby is. I really, really wish that I can have my own little bundle to cuddle, to nurse and to fuss over. At this point in time, I still don't know how this journey will turn out, but I wish it'd end with 'and the family lives happily ever after'.

TCM

Amanda's mom informed me that there's a program today on 'Good Morning Singapore' that discusses infertility from the TCM aspect cos she knew I'd be interested. I am watching it right now as I write this post... Hmmm, the TCM specialist that they are interviewing said that it'd take at least 3 cycles of TCM (approximately 3 months) before it can take effect. I guess I shouldn't put in too much hope with this cycle then since it's only my first one using Western medicine and TCM concurrently.

The good thing is that whatever the doctor advised on the program is the same as what my TCM doctor advised me, i.e. to stay away from coffee and no smoking (I don't do either unless it's second hand smoke... *Mark, you know who I am trying to imply!!), I must watch my mood and stay stress-free, eat more sea cucumber (it's one of Mark's favourite food but something that I have never eaten before cos I think it looks gross... very wobbly and jelly-like), etc. Well at least it's a revalidation of what I have been told.

Other than the above, my TCM also warned me against eating pineapples (yes, including my favourite pineapple tarts), against eating aloe vera, against jogging (he doesn't have to worry about this cos jogging is one of my least favorite exercise), not to lift/ carry anything heavy...

Holding Hands

This Valentine's Day, Mark gave me a present that is by far the least costly compared to all the presents that he's bought for me in the past decade, but at the same time, it is also without a doubt the present that's the most meaningful and touches me the most. I opened the package when I was alone, and when I read the words, it made me cry and cry.

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Happy Valentine's Day, Darling... Thank you for holding my hands for almost 13 years. I don't think you know this, but every single time you hold my hand, you make me feel so loved, protected and blessed. We have held hands through ups and downs, good times and bad times, laughter and tears...

- We had only known each other for a brief few weeks when you suddenly held my hand while we were crossing Flinders Street in Melbourne. That moment marked the begining of our love story.

- I miss the days when you held my hands during the cold Melbourne winters and kept them warm in the pockets of your coat.

- I cannot remember when we started this habit, but I love it when you hold my hand when we go to sleep; and I love it when you 'search' for my hand in the middle of the night.
- Both the times when I was in premature labour and going through the throes of labour pain, you were there right by my bedside holding my hands and stroking my head/ cheeks.

- As I went through the really bad period in my life, you were there holding my hands patiently, giving me unlimited support and understanding without a single grouse or frown on your face.

- After every fight and argument, you'll always ask to hold my hands to 'make peace'. I know that many times I'd say 'no' out of stubborness, but you never given up until I give in and 'surrender' my hand. I've never told you this, but I appreciate what your persistence.

- When I was struggling and contemplating whether I should leave my job, you held my hand and told me to do whatever I felt like doing and leave the rest to you. You told me that you only want me to be well; you only want me to be happy.

On Valentine's Day 2011, I want to let you know that I want hold your hands until the day I breathe my last. Please don't ever let go ok?

A globe-trotting friend of mine whom I rarely see was in Singapore recently and he brought me a special gift. I guess he knows that I badly needed some good luck in my life although we have never openly discussed it, so he gave me a four leaf clover. It is a genuine, natural four leaf clover that he got for me when he was in Ireland, the land of Shamrocks.

A four leaf clover can be found in the fields of three leaf clover, and the odds of finding one is 10,000 to 1, hence I guess that's why people say that they bring good luck cos they are so rare and hard to come by.

Background on the link between the Four Leaf Clover and Good Luck:

- The four leaf clover is a universally accepted symbol of good luck with its origin ages old. According to legend, Eve carried a four leaf clover from the Garden of Eden.

- The Druids held the 4 leaf clover in high esteem and considered them a sign of luck. In 1620, Sir John Melton wrote: "If a man walking in the fields find any four-leaved grass, he shall in a small while after find some good thing."

- According to Irish folklore, finding a stem of clover with 4 leaves will bring you good luck, but finding a clover stem with more than 4 leaves will not bring you even more luck.

The mystique of the four leaf clover continues today, since finding a real four leaf clover is still a rare occurrence and omen of good luck.

I really hope that this four leave clover will bring me the good luck that's been evading me for the last 3 years. It has now taken the pride of place on my display shelf in the living room amongst my collection of angels. Please, please let the four leaf clover work its magic on our family... Please, please let me conceive a healthy baby in this cycle.

I am about to run out of 'space' on my belly for the injections... I never thought I'd say this, but with a tummy as 'spacious' as mine is, I didn't think I'd run out of space, un-bruised space that is. The FSH injections have to be injected into the body fats, and the 'ideal' space to do it is about 2 inches away and below the belly-button. Hit the needle in the wrong spot and you end up hitting a blood vessel, which will then result in a lot of pain and a subsequent (hideous) bruise.

Anyway, my little egg suddenly decided to grow leaps and bounds from when we last did the scan, which is good cos this means I can stop the daily FSH injections. On the last scan on Tuesday, it measured 11mm and in 3 days, the egg increased to 18.5mm. Typically the growth rate is about 1mm a day. Well, I am not complaining... At 18.5mm the egg has reached maturity and ovulation is anytime from now till over the weekend, which works out great for me/ us.

My little (four-legged) girl seems to be back to her normal, rambunctious self. She's eating well, peeing and pooping normally, barking at dogs in the neighbourhood, playing with her toys... I will keep a watchful eye on her for the next fortnight and hope whatever problem she that afflicted her yesterday morning wouldn't come back to haunt her/ us.

I'll have to leave her alone at home for a couple of hours when I go for my TCM appointment later . Yeah... I am looking forward to have more needles poking into my already bruised belly and have little shocks of electric currents in my body... Woohooo... (and not forgetting, to replenish my supply of the funky tasting medication).

Hershey almost gave me a heart attack this morning. I fed her like on any other day and she ate her food with gusto because I added in some boiled carrots which she loves. After that I noticed her rather odd behaviour. She was sticking very close to me and kept looking up at me. When I was washing her bowl, she laid down on the mat that I placed under the sink and refused to budge even when I went into the room (she'd usually follow me). I felt something was amiss and offered her some of her favourite treats but she merely sniffed at them and continued to mope.

Less than 10 minutes after finishing her breakfast, she walked a few steps to the yard and threw it all back up. She was so weak that she just laid down next to her vomit. I checked her gums and they were deathly pale. That's when I knew something was seriously wrong with her. I even had to carry her into the bathroom with me as I took a quick shower before taking her to the vet because she refused to budge from the yard.

When we arrived at the vet, some of her color seem to have returned and she was somewhat back to her usual prissy self. For the first time ever, I was happy when she growled at another dog (a cute, large English Bulldog was trying to sniff her). The vet checked Hershey's gums and while they were still slightly pale, it was a big improvement from earlier. We spent some anxious moments waiting for the blood test results to be out.. I have read enough stories about dogs who have gone to the Rainbow Bridge after problems with their blood (tick fever, infections, etc) to know that it can go downhill pretty quickly. So much so that I managed to work myself into a state of panic.

Fortunately her blood test results (right) turned out fine, but we still have no inkling what caused the earlier episode. Since it is the first time this has happened, we were told to monitor her for the next fortnight and to bring her in immediately if it recurs. If it happens again (**knock on wood), they'll do an ECG to ensure that her heart function is normal.

Today I learnt one valuable lesson. I learnt that I love Hershey much more than I care to let on... I used to complain that she drives me up the wall and have even made remarks like I want to send her away. More than once (maybe more like on a weekly basis) Mark and I even joked that we wouldn't mind finding her a new home. However when I saw her lying listlessly next to her vomit, that familiar feeling of fear of losing someone/ something you love gripped my heart. The last time I had this feeling was when I held Chloe in my arms when she was breathing her last. That was a feeling of love, helplessness, fear and heartache all rolled into one. This was also when I knew the 'She-Devil on Four Paws' has managed to dig herself a place deep in my heart.

Oh and another clear indication of my love for her... I was so worried about her that I didn't even notice that I went out of the house without any make-up (very rare!!). When we were talking to the vet, Mark discreetly pointed to my face with a somewhat grossed out and stunned look. Apparently the weather plus all the running around made me break out in sweat, which resulted in my 'sweat rash' (yup, my own sweat causes an itchy, red rash) to break out in angry red blotches all over my face. There was nothing I could do except to fan myself to cool myself down. Thinking of it now, I think I looked like a Chinese opera singer gone wrong. Seriously.

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I love you Hershey-girl... Yes, yes, including your 'psycho-ness', 10.5 gigawatts of energy, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD, diagnosed by yours truly), Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS, also diagnosed by yours truly), TV jumping, body slamming my bed when I am sleeping, resting your bum/nether region on my head/face when I am sleeping, barking for no reason in the middle of the night, fighting with me for more bed space, farting in my face, etc....

I spent most of yesterday snoozing and in pain because I think I am down either with food poisoning/ stomach flu/ gastric flu... The earlier part of the day was spent either vomitting or having diarrhea, and the later part of the day a fever kept me in bed. The fever made me so dizzy and real achy all over that I was too weak get out of bed. It's a good thing I had Mark taking care of me and giving me medicine. I was feeling so bad yesterday that I thought I wouldn't be able to make it to see the fertility doctor this morning.

Most of the symptoms seem to have faded away by the morning and I was able to go for my appointment with Dr Anu. Don't know what is happening, but the follicles seem to be growing real slow this time. Usually it'd take about one-and-a-half vials of FSH (follicle stimulating hormones) injections for the eggs to reach maturity, but this time round, I am almost done with the second vial but the biggest egg that's showing the most promise is only 11.5mm, which is the halfway point. Each vial of medication costs $$270 and for this cycle, I am spending much more than expected due to the addition medication required.

OMG... for the past 3 days, I have been feeling SO bloated and my tummy looks like I am already 5 months pregnant. Even Mark commented that my tummy looks big (he is usually quite sensitive about making such comments. Hence for him to say something about it, I know the situation must be real bad). WTF!!

I am guessing it is a combination of the side effect of the hormone injections (yes, I just started on a new cycle of the fertility program), as well as the surplus of good food and snacks from Chinese New Year. I feel so appallingly hideous that I have not had the guts to weigh myself for the past 3 days and tried to avoid looking at mirrors.

Our first photos with Rynnae taken on the first day of Chinese New Year! She is exactly one week old when the photo was taken and when Mark and I saw her for the first time, we were very surprised at just how tiny she was. She only weighed 2.8kg (or around 6 pounds) at birth, looks totally exquisite (ok, in my eyes, ALL babies are exquisite). I tried to find every opportunity to hold her, pat her, stroke her, caress her cheeks and sniff her adorable baby scent.

Totally enjoyed spending time with her and something as simply as looking at her sleeping so snugly and contentedly in her cot can be so fulfilling. She also gurgles and pulls the cutest faces when she is asleep... possibly dreaming of something nice.

My sis-in-law (aka Rynnae's mom) must have by now learnt from her husband and/or my mom-in-law about my sob stories with Lucas and Chloe as well as how Mark and I are struggling to conceive now. When we were alone in the room, my sis-in-law told me that she hopes my god-daughter will usher a little baby to me this year and that by the next Chinese New Year, Rynnae will have a playmate. When she saw how I was cradling Rynnae and cooing over her, she again said that she hopes that Mark and I will be blessed with a baby soon.

Holding Rynnae brought back bittersweet memories of Chloe. Chloe was obviously lighter and smaller since she was premature, but that maternal feeling of remains the same... I miss that feeling. That is the feeling of cradling a tiny, vulnerable being in your arms and the onslaught of the primal instinct of wanting to protect, nourish and love it with the core of your being and every single ounce of your soul. I miss that feeling and I love feeling that way.

This year, I have had many different people wishing me that THAT particular wish of mine will come true... with all the blessings that I have received, I truly hope so. Dear God, please please please grant me my wish. I promise I'll never ask you for anything more for the rest of my life.

Happy Bunny New Year to my Angels

I continued with my usual practice of preparing red packets for Lucas and Chloe. It is Lucas' 3rd red packet and Chloe's 2nd one. I'd like to be able to continue with this 'tradition' for as long as I live (or as long as I am not senile). There's not a single day where I don't think of them, and not a single night where I don't say 'goodnight' to them... but the feeling of sadness and pain becomes more acute in special occasions and festivals like this. Giving out red packets to other peoples' children is always filled with a pinch of sadness.

We spent most of today at Mark's place with his family and of course I got to meet and hold my god-daughter for the very first time. I'll share the photos and details on my next post. Mark's grandmother, as per the past 3 years, wished me '早生贵子' and this year she added an additional '添丁发财', which basically means the same thing, i.e. may you have a son soon. Past years I'd normally mumble some response and slink away, but this year I responded differently by telling her 'thank you and I hope your blessings will come true because I am already trying very hard'. I keep disappointing this old lady (and everyone else)... I sincerely hope that her blessings for me will come true, and with the blessings from the matriarch of the Lee family, I pray that I will be blessed with a successful pregnancy and a healthy baby.

Little Rynnae Lee

Introducing our 5 day old god-daughter, Rynnae Lee (yes, spelt with double 'n')!!! Lucas and Chloe have got a new cousin and god-sister. I love her big eyes and although I haven't seen her yet, I heard from my brother-in-law that she's a fiesty little one. I can't wait to meet her tomorrow (please don't let me cry...).

My nephew and sis-in-law (Mark's sister) came to stay with us yesterday and I got to have many long, heart to heart conversations with my sis-in-law. Usually we only get to meet up on special occasions because she is based in Kuala Lumpur, but we do keep in touch regularly through the phone. She and I have always gotten along so well that we are more like friends and we often share problems problems with each other.

Today while we were on the way back from another New Year shopping trip, my 6 year old nephew suddenly asked came up with a barrage of questions that both my sis-in-law and I totally didn't expect. He asked us 'Why doesn't Auntie Shane have a baby yet?', 'Is there a baby in Auntie Shane's stomach?' and 'Where is Auntie Shane's baby?'. We have no idea what triggered these questions because he's never asked them before. I'm not sure if he knew what was happening when we lost Chloe because he could obviously see my baby bump, but I wonder if he knew there was a baby inside since he was only four-and-a-half years old then. When he asked where the baby was, was asking about Chloe?

Sigh... I really wish I had the answers to ALL his questions. Actually I'd like to know those answers myself.