I woke up this morning wondering about today's date... I knew it was a somewhat important date but couldn't recall what it is or why. After thinking hard for 5 min, I finally had the answer. On this date, 29 September, four years ago, Mark and I held our customary wedding.

It's amazing how the last 4 years had gone by so quickly. Our plan 4 years ago was to wait 2 years before we begin trying to start a family. Obviously we didn't know then how much difficulties we'd have in this aspect, and we had no clue we'd suffer 2 devastating losses in the process. In hindsight, all those 'preventive measures' we had taken back then was really unnecessary because it seems like I cannot even conceive when I am undergoing fertility treatment!! Ahhh.. the mockery...

Four years on, there's still no baby but we have 2 Angels instead.

My sis gave me this figurine to add to my angel collection. My collection of angel figurines and Willow Tree items are growing and I am close to running out of space to display them... I think it's about time I have a chat with Mark to get him to remove all his DVDs from the shelves so that I can continue to expand my collection.

Initially it started out as a rather tough weekend because 2 people I know have given birth in the last 2 days. I wonder when it is going to be my turn (and whether it'd happen at all even). There they are going to hospitals to deliver their respective bundles of joy, and here I am going to the hospital for fertility treatment.

For the next 2 weeks, I have to wait for the outcome again. It is nerve-wrecking and tiresome... and I totally dread another failure.

The only saving grace was a surprise that came from a friend whom I haven't seen in a really long time. If I'm not wrong, the last time I saw my friend was at her older child's first month celebration, and that baby is now a school-going child and even has a little brother. We have drifted apart for a while because we are each busy with our own lives, but when she found out about my 2 pregnancy losses, she contacted me and we got back into contact. I guess as a mom herself and having gone through 2 pregnancies which posed some challenges, she knows how it'd feel to be in the shoes of a mom who is worried about the viability of her pregnancy and the well-being of her baby. I am happy that at least she's now got 2 healthy and very good-looking kids.

She dropped off 3 packages over at my place late Friday evening... I was totally surprised and had no idea what to expect.

Yes, now I have more to add to my Willow Tree collection! They are now proudly on display with the rest... Thank You, Bee, for the lovely surprise, and more importantly, for your friendship and support.

'Touched by Angels'

I came across this window display of a UK clothing store when I was in Hong Kong earlier this month. Obviously the cherubs caught my eye and I find the 'setting' really cool. Furthermore, the words on the banner 'TOUCHED BY ANGELS' is something very close to my heart. I am suddenly very inspired that this will be part of the my next tattoo.

中秋节快乐

Last night's moon was just as it should be at Mid Autumn. It was full and shinning brightly against the dark velvety sky. It rained in the early evening but the weather cleared up in time for little kids to go for a walkabout with their lanterns.

Earlier on, I had bought some traditional lanterns (not the battery operated kind cos I feel that they are too commercialized)... I wanted to give Lucas and Chloe their own lantern each. Instead of going for a walkabout with the 2 lanterns, I hung them at my bedroom balcony where I can see them as I lay on my bed.

How I wish that instead of hanging the 2 lanterns on the pole, they'd be carried in the hands of my Lucas and Chloe. How I wish that instead of lying on the bed and staring at the lanterns, I'd be taking Lucas and Chloe for a walk with their lanterns.

宝贝们，中秋节快乐...

The egg follicle measures 16.5mm today, so I have to continue with another 2 days of injections for it to reach maturity. One thing I forgot to find out from the doctor is how many other 'potential follicles' there are other than the biggest one he measured. Naturally, I am hoping that there are at least 2 follicles so as to increase my chance of conception.

From the way things are progressing, the big 'O' day should fall on Saturday or Sunday, or perhaps even Monday at the very latest.

Mark previously installed this programme on my iPhone called 'iPregnancy'. It enables you to track the progress of your pregnany by week and you can put in the dates of your check-ups and appointments and set reminders, as well as take photos of the ultrasound scans, etc.

I was hoping that I would have conceived during my previous cycle so that this baby would've been due in June 2011. June is a somewhat 'special' month for me cos I lost both my babies in June. Was kinda hoping that if I have a June baby, it'd sort of be a nice way to pay tribute to my 2 Angels.

When I did the screenshot on Saturday, the expected due date would've been on 26 June, the day we lost Chloe.

I still miss her so much.

Mark accompanied me for my ultrasound scan this morning and I am glad I had him (and my iPhone) for company because there were many people and it was a long wait.

Result - Size of the follicles are still small, ranging around 5mm-6mm, only so there's a long way to go still. So far I have had 3 injections (over 3 days) for this cycle... reckon I'd require another 6 to 8 injections before the desired size can be achieved.

During my last check-up, the doctor ordered a blood test to test my thyroid function because I told him that my last period was unusually short. Results came back and while the doctor didn't seem overly concerned, he told me that my results are a wee bit above the normal range. No medication required for now, but it's something that will be monitored moving forward.

Yesterday Mark's brother announced to us that the baby they are expecting to arrive early next year is a little girl. I felt happy for him and also a pang of envy because I can imagine the day where his little girl will be looking up at him adoringly and when he'll be all putty in her little hands. From the day I found out that Chloe is a girl, I already had ideas and visualized about how close she will be with Mark and how much he will adore his princess.

Now that Mark and I have a niece, it'd be fun to be able to buy stuff for her; stuff that I'd otherwise have gotten for Chloe. I think my little niece will be spoiled rotten because all the young kids at Mark's place are boys, and having a little girl will be nice for a change.

Somehow I've always had the idea that little girls and dads will always share a special bond, thus the term 'daddy's girl'. A colleague who has got 4 kids (lucky bloke!), 3 girls and a boy, shared this proverb with me which I find pretty true - "My son is my son till he gets a wife, But my daughter will be my daughter all her life."

While washing my hair this morning, the one side of my favourite diamond earrings became unclasped and dropped straight into the drainage. My heart sank to my little toe because I received it as a wedding present 4 years ago and it's the only pair of earrings that I really like enough to wear daily.

What a horrible way to start the day... I spent the rest of the day sulking and moping away.

I am so gonna miss it.

Tomorrow morning, I will be going back to see the fertility doctor again. I guess round #2 of injections will soon commence.

I arrived back in Singapore late Friday night and was so totally knackered out I spent most of my weekend in slumberland. My wonderful, sweet husband did most of the housework while I was away, including the task that I dread most, i.e. ironing, just so that I didn't have to do any housework when I am back.

Maybe it's because I have slept too much in the day, I had difficulty falling asleep last night. This usually means that I will start thinking about a lot of the things that are really bothering me but I try to ignore their existence. Just as Mark was drifting into slumberland, I bombarding him with questions along the lines of 'Why do we have to go through what we went through?', 'When do we decide when we should stop the whole fertility program?', 'What if we can never have any kids?', 'What should we do when we grow old as a lonely couple?'...

Looking back, I think these are my deepest and darkest fears, especially the last two questions.

I had a wonderful hotpot dinner with my regular group of old friends/ ex-colleagues last night. I love hotpot and it is a 'must-do' every time I am in Hong Kong. It was a truly enjoyable evening with good food and great company, and we spent many hours chatting and catching up on each other's lives. (Sadly, my story is still a sob story, no change in that.)

A client/ friend whom I spent most of my day with is around 5 and a half months pregnant and as this is her first pregnancy, she was excitedly sharing with me her pregnancy journey. In case anyone is wondering, yes, I felt rather miserable inside, but I didn't change the topic or stop her cos I felt that it wouldn't be fair to her. When I was expecting Chloe, I was happily telling my pregnancy story to anyone who'd listen. I know that feeling of joy and pride a mother has over her soon to be born baby.

I admired her baby bump, listened to her stories and asked the appropriate questions. Yesterday, I was still rather hopeful that I can have a success story to tell if one of those 3 eggs were successfully fertilised.

Unfortunately, that hopefulness didn't last for long. When I woke up this morning, my whole world came crashing down. I got my period. Right on time too. I seriously am such a failure.

At this moment, I wish that I am back at home with Mark to comfort me rather than sitting alone in some hotel room with a list of conference calls and meetings lined up. For the rest of the day, I still have to put on a happy, smiling face to greet the world as if everthing is alright when it truly is not.

Now it is only a quarter past 10am... is it too early for me to wish that the day is over?

Sigh... last evening over dinner, the Boss asked if I can extend my stay for another day in Hong Kong. I was mentally prepared to fly back on Thursday since Friday is a public holiday back home and I want to spend the day with Mark.

Alrighty.... whatever.

Geez, today's gonna be another long day... started off with a conference call at 6am, and then I have a full day meeting with the client and then it'd end off with another conference call tonight. So very exciting.

Feeling physically worn out but mentally, I am so alert because of the scare I had over an hour ago. I came back to my hotel room after having dinner with my favourite client (soon to be ex-client) and found my bedroom door unlocked. The latch that you use to lock the door from inside was clamped between the door frame, thus preventing the door from closing and locking automatically.

I was very sure I had closed the door and checked that it was locked when I left earlier in the evening. Thinking that it was the housekeeper doing turn down service, I went into the room but found no one. Then it suddenly occured me that someone could have entered my room while I was away and could be hiding in the wardrobe/ behind the curtains/ in the bathroom, etc (I do have an overactive imagination). I immediatelytook my mobile phone and ran out of the room without a backward glance.

I contacted the Front Desk and they sent 2 guys up immediately to check the room for me and of course, to apologise. They said that from the security records, the housekeeper had gone into the room and forgot to close the door properly when she left. They left after checking the room and ensuring that I have not lost anything.

Pretty disappointed with the whole incident because JW Marriott Hong Kong is supposed to be a 5 star hotel... I don't expect this to happen here. Feeling kind of shaken by the incident... hope I can sleep tonight.

This is the last weekend before the Hungry Ghost Festival comes to an end, meaning this is the last weekend we get to 'visit' Lucas and Chloe in the temple. It started raining heavily just before dawn and the downpour continued even when we left the house. I wonder if the rain is casued by my Angels' tears cos they know that it'd be another year before they can 'see' their daddy and mummy.

I have been counting down the days till the right time when I can do a preganancy test to check if I have the result that I want. The waiting time is a like a prolonged torture treatment. I should be able to find out sometime in the middle or late next week. I guess since I will be travelling for most of next week, it'd help to make time pass faster and distract me for a while.

Mark has been warning/ reminding me repeatedly not to place my hopes too high in case we didn't succeed, and I am trying to heed his advice. I have learnt through experience that the higher your hopes/ expectations are, the harder and more devastating the fall will be. (Actually this is kinda ironic cos it runs contrary to what I have been instilled with since primary school. I must've been around ten years old and a teacher once said to my class 'Aim for the Moon, that way, even if you miss you'll still be amongst the stars'.)

I cannot believe I had to get out of bed at 5.50am for a conference call at 6am!!! This is after the conference call from 7pm to 8pm last evening, and then there is another 7pm to 8pm call this evening... on top of the gazillion calls that I also have during office hours. Feels like I am spending most of my time on the phone than doing actual work.

On another subject, this is the ovulaton test which I took on last Friday, it showed a 'smiley face' (which I find was rather cute), meaning that I was still in my ovalution period. This is so confusing because I should have ovulated on Wednesday. If we have miscalculated the dates, then naturally it'd diminish my chance of conception. Oh boy...