The weekend came and went... too fast in fact. After all the long holidays over Christmas and New Year, I have suddenly felt a familiar feeling that has come back to haunt me after so many years.
When I was young (maybe like 5 years old), my younger sister and I were sent to a relative's house while both my parents were at work. It's not that the relative ill-treated me or anything, but I can still very clearly recall how much I dread going there. I'd usually start crying on the way over to her place. I just didn't like being away from my parents and being left in a place that isn't my home.
My sister didn't mind it very much as she was a lot younger and didn't really know what was happening. I didn't like going there because it was a stressful environment (at least for me)... there are too many people living there (I still don't like crowds), I don't like most of those people (even until now), and I felt that they talked too loudly (I have a low threshold for loud noise even until today). For a 5 year old kid, I sure was picky... LOL! Anyway, when my parents sent me there, I'd brawl my eyes out and cling on to my dad's leg (like what a pole dancer would do... maybe I am closet pole dancer??) and it'd take at least 2 adults to pry my little fingers and pull me away from my dad.
The same thing happened during my first 3 weeks at kindergarten... Instead of taking me directly to class, my dad would take me directly to the principal's office where there'll be 2 teachers on 'standby'. By then I will have a viselike grip on one of my dad's leg and the teachers will try to pry my fingers/ arms away while I was kicking and screaming so that my poor dad can have his leg back. They will then coax me back into class and as you'd expect, I was late for class everyday. What can I say, I am a Drama Queen even at that young age!! This is a family joke and my parents/ relatives always have a very good laugh whenever someone (usually my mom) brings it up.
I don't think any of the adults realized it then, including my poor parents who were pulling their hair out.. but looking back at it now, I think I have separation anxiety even at that young age. And because no one recognised it, I am left with the 'scars' of those episodes that I also brought with me into adulthood.
This brings me back to what I want to say... every Monday (actually Sunday evening to be precise), I will feel that familiar sense of dread and forlorness... as if I was being 'abandoned'. It feels exactly the same like all those years ago. Of cos now that I am old enough to rationalize, I won't kick up a fuss and hang onto Mark's leg when he leaves the house. But that feeling is definitely the same. I hate it when Mark has to leave me to go to work or business trips, and it's worse especially after we have spent a lot of time in each other's company, like over the long weekends or if we have gone for a vacation.
I only noticed this in the last 3 months, and I wonder if it has got anything to do with me losing Chloe and/or my subsequent depression. Possibly after losing Chloe, I subconsciously clung onto Mark for emotional/ mental support and somehow have become overly-dependent on him. I guess this isn't a 'problem' per se, but just makes me wonder what other 'hidden issues' I have that needs to be addressed. This would probably make a good topic for discussion during my next appointment with my psychiatrist. Might turn out to be pretty interesting...
I am pretty sure Huskee has separation anxiety too. His modus operandi is to bark the house down and pee all over the house whenever he's left alone on his own. He must've picked it up from my behaviour somehow since he is so connected to me... good thing I didn't adopt his habits.
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