In the short span of the last 5 days, three different people whom I know have announced their pregnancies. One of them is my ex-colleague, and when I found out about it, it hit me particularly hard because when I was pregnant with #1 (i.e. Lucas), she was pregnant with her #3 child. When I got pregnant with my #2 (i.e. Chloe), she was pregnant with her #4 child. Now that I have lost my #3 (sadly no name given cos we don't know the gender), she's expecting her #5.
It feels like the big guy up there is constantly rubbing salt on my wounds and in this instance, I felt like my face is being rubbed in dung. I only ask for ONE healthy child, and I struggled so hard and have not even succeed. My ex-colleague has 4 healthy kids, and now she's being blessed with yet another one... To top it off, she smokes and drinks coffee heavily throughout her pregnancies. Hello??
After I lost Chloe, I have already accepted the fact that life is not fair... It wasn't meant to be fair from the start anyway, but it was just me and my skewed perspective that feels that it should be fair. But having to deal with this is really taxing me out. How long more can I go on to pretend that everything is fine? How much more crap can I endure? No matter how strong I try to be, I am sure there's going to be a snapping point right?
Got to go off to count my blessings again and pretend that the world is really such a beautiful and perfect place.
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