The Begining of the End

When they did the HCG test for me yesterday, my levels dropped dramatically to the 200's... To sum it up, my levels went from 977 on 18 Nov to 800 plus on 20 Nov, and eventually to 200 plus on 22 Nov instead of doubling up as it should in a normal pregnancy. The decision was made to go ahead with the injection help the body begin the miscarriage process and to terminate whatever is left of this pregnancy to avoid any complications.

Strange as it sounds, but I was told that the drug (Methrotrexate) that is used in the injection is a low dosage cancer treatment drug. I was also warned that it could trigger some side effects such as nausea, vomitting, diarrhea, cramps, hair loss... The actual bleeding started last night. I guess that symbolized the begining of the end.

Oddly, I still have not shed a tear yet... perhaps reality hasn't yet sank in. The young Caucasian nurse who gave me the jab yesterday chatted with me briefly while she was prepping me for the shot, and she commented that I was 'holding it together rather well'. I simply told her I am immune to it already cos I had 2 previous pregnancy failures.

As the injection had to go on my bum, she saw my tattoo and I briefly told her the 2 stories behind it. She then asked if I minded if the injection ended near/ on my tattoo and I told her to go ahead. Thought that it was somewhat appropriate and meaningful to have the 'shot that would end it all' injected on/ around my 2 Angels.

In the end, it ended up just below Chloe's right foot. (After Mark took this photo for me, he commented about my cellulite!!!So upset!! My husband really has a special way of cheering me up...)

I need to go back later this week and again early next week to test my HCG levels until it drops to 5 or below (for non-pregnant women). Before I left, my doctor told me that I can call her anytime on her personal mobile phone if I don't feel well or simply want to talk. She also told me how she was so happy for me initally when she heard from the nurses that I was pregnant, and then how sorry she was for its very premature failure.

When I lost Lucas and Chloe, I have constantly reminded/ encouraged myself that 'what doesn't kill me makes me stronger', and indeed, I'd like to think I have emerged a stronger person. But what I also want to say now is "Dear God, I think I am almost invincible already, please cut me some slack."