Last night Mark and I attended the wedding dinner of his cousin. I am always very easily moved at weddings, especially when the couple exchange their vows and profess their undying love, devotion and commitment to each other. Last night was no exception and I was close to tears several times, apart from the fleeting moment when I thought the priest said 'ever lusting friendship'... I pondered about it for a moment before I realised that he obviously meant 'everlasting', not 'ever lusting'. Evidently, my mind must be corrupted and I am glad no one can read it or else it'd be quite embarassing.
Initially Mark didn't want me to go to the dinner with him because there'd be a risk of someone asking us why we still don't have a kid/ when are we going to have a kid. Moreover, his brother's pregnant wife will be there too and Mark didn't want me to feel bad. Fortunately, no one asked any of those questions that I dread. Admittedly, I did feel a pang of heartache when I saw my sis-in-law's swollen tummy... she's over 30-something weeks pregnant and my niece is due in early Feb 2011. As I hone my skills in bullet-proofing my heart and plastering on a smile in the face of adversary, this was something I was able to deal with without too much trouble.
Actually I do not 'hate' pregnant women per se, it's just that looking at their tummy makes me wonder about A LOT of things and makes me feel sad. Why them and not me? What did they do right for them to have normal pregnancies and healthy babies? What did I do wrong that caused me to lose my babies again and again? I am envious that they can feel their babies moving/ kicking in their wombs... this feeling is something that I really miss and long to feel again. I am also awfully jealous that their babies are growing normally in their womb and my babies are in heaven.
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