My Mom

It's my mom's birthday today and we will all be having a family dinner to celebrate it for her. My sister and I both bought cookbooks for her birthday present. Why? Cos ever since mom retired from her job in July 2009, she's got a lot of free time in her hands and thus experimenting with new dishes, much to Mark's delight because he is enjoying the labours of my mom's newly acquired hobby.

I have always had a good relationship with my mom since young... even when I was in my twenties, she'd frequently let me cuddle on her lap as we watched TV and she'd stroke my head as how she'd done when I was a wee child. Like most Asian parents, my parents do not openly show their affections and there's always a degree of decorum they maintain although it doesn't mean that they love us any less.

My relationship with mom went through a bumpy patch around the lead up to my wedding in 2006. We had tiffs and arguments on a multitude of issues, and that's the only period in my life where I feel isolated from her. At that time, Mark had even told me off on a few occasions for being rude to mom. Looking back, I am certainly not proud of myself. When I found out I was pregnant for the first time, my mom wasn't the first person I told (after Mark). I told the aunt whom I was staying with at that time.

Things changed after I lost Lucas... I saw with my own eyes and felt with my own heart how worried my mom was and how sad she was for me. Our relationship improved and went back to how it was in the past. Partly it's also because I began to understand how it feels like to be a mom (although I may not qualify as one). As a mom, your child will always be a part of you, genetically, physically, emotionally and mentally. As I learn this, I begin to understand and appreciate my mom more.

When I found out that I was expecting the second time, mom was the first person I told after Mark. I am glad that I invited mom to come with me for my 20week ultrasound scan. At least she got to 'meet' her grand-daughter for the first (and last) time and see her alive and moving around in my womb. When I miscarried for the second time, her worry, pain and sadness was even more apparent than before. She stayed by my side those few days, waited for me outside the labour ward when I delivered Chloe and took care of me when I was discharged.

I still feel immense guilt about losing Chloe because the only reason that mom retired from her job is because the original plan was she'd help to look after Chloe after I return to work. How I wish that mom is busy with babysitting Chloe rather than experimenting with the new cookbooks. How I wish that my mom didn't have see her child sad and in pain. How I wish that I can give my mom a grandchild soon. How I wish that the next time my mom accompanies me to the hospital, it'd be to welcome the arrival of her grandchild and to bring that grandchild home with tears of joy rather than tears of sadness.

Nowadays whenever I travel for work, mom will regularly send me "I love you' text messages and ask if I was doing ok or if I had my meals. She didn't use to do it before, and I admit enjoy the feeling it gives me because it makes me feel all 'loved up', like a child cocooned in her mother's protective embrace.

Truly and honestly, I have come to appreciate my mom more for all the things she had done for me and for our family, those are the very same things that I used to take for granted. I used to take her words of concern as mindless nagging... but now whenever she 'nags' at me, I kind of relish it as I know it's because she loves me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Mummy... I love you so much.