True enough, June is definitely NOT my month... not before, not now and probably not ever. Mark broke the news (just before dinner no less) that our new sister-in-law is pregnant. Wedding banquet has to be expedited from November to next month. I cannot quite understand it... she's only in town barely 3 months and my brother-in-law managed to knock her up.
I find it hard to understand why others can fall pregnant so easily without even having to try, but look at yours truly? After all that I have gone through, I am still TRYING to fall pregnant. Even if I do succeed in getting pregnant, there's no guarantee that I'd walk away with a healthy baby at the end of it. Mark kept asking me I am so bothered by the news, and for the sake of his sanity and mine, I have put together a list, which would hopefully satisfy him.
1) Why is she able to get pregnant so easily? A simple Vietnamese girl like her can get pregnant without even trying. I have tried so long and hard, but look at where I am. I feel like a failure, a loser, a real hopeless case. So what if I have a nice house, a job that pays well, an MBA, mountain loads of luxury items, etc.. they mean nothing to me because they are not what I want, and yet, sardonically, I cannot have what I want.
2) Everyone will be so joyous and happy over the new baby and Mark’s house will be filled with the laugter of many kids, except ours. Would anyone bother to take a moment to think of Lucas and Chloe at all?
3) I feel like I have let everyone down… my family, Mark’s family, and more importantly, Mark. Now his brother/ sister/ cousins all have their own families complete with a baby, except us. We will have to continue to look on with envy and pretend that it does not matter...
4) I am darn angry with myself and with God. I hate the fact that my life is not going the way that I'd hoped it would.
I guess Mark was also peeved with me over my reaction. He expected some reaction from me, but not to the extent that I exhibited. He felt that I should be happy for his brother and sis-in-law, and I know that I should be. But well, I don't think I have honed my skills to perfection yet. I cannot smile and be happy when all the wounds in my heart are torn apart. How can I be happy when jealousy consumes me?!
Knowing how my adverse reaction would bother Mark, I fought hard to hold back my tears throughout dinner until I reached the safety of the bathroom at home where I sat in the bathtob and cried hard with the sound of water drowining out my sobs.
I know I am a selfish bitch for reacting the way that I did, but can someone teach me how I should have reacted instead?
1 comment:
It is not your fault having those negative thoughts, in fact I would say it is normal for anyone who went through what you had gone through to feel the same bitterness. For those who doesn't understand, it is because they have never experience your kind of pain.
However, it is also not your sister-in-law's fault to get pregnant. It is also not the fault of those who are sandwiched in between trying to grieve for you and yet to be happy for your new sister-in-law.
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