I had the sudden realization that this is the first April in 3 years that I am in a 'not pregnant' state. In April 2008 I had Lucas, and in April 2009 I had Chloe... April 2010, I have nothing.
Amanda's mom posted some photos of Amanda on Facebook, and looking at the photos of Amanda growing up reminds me of what was so cruelly and senselessly taken from me twice. Amanda is now a healthy 6 month old and getting even prettier than before. I wonder how Chloe will look like at 6 months... I wonder how holding her in my arms will feel like... I wonder how her little fingers and toes will smell like...
There is still a lot of anger and angst inside me because I feel that I have not been treated fairly. It's almost end of April now, and exactly 2 months from today, it'd mark the 1st Anniversary of Chloe. Lucas's 2nd Anniversary is 9 days before Chloe's... I am not looking forward to June... I am afraid of what other bad news I'd be dealt with this time... I fear June... and I hate June.
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