Happy 3rd Birthday to Big Brother Lucas

Darling Lucas,

If you are here with us, today would have been your 3rd birthday. Here's wishing our sweet boy a Happy 3rd Birthday. Wherever you may be, I hope you can feel the love that daddy and mummy are sending your way. I am blowing you a kiss and hope you can receive it.

Whenever I look at your new little brother, I wonder if the both of you look alike and enjoy/dislike the same things. Those eyes that I gaze adoringly into, is that how your eyes look like too? Those chubby cheeks that I kiss everyday, do you have chubby cheeks too? The cute ear lobes that I mindlessly fondle whenever I am nursing Kyran, would you have liked that feeling too? The sweet baby scent that I love to inhale, is that how you would've smelled like too? Your little brother loves being carried in our arms before he'd fall asleep, is that how you'd have liked it too?

Pining for the little stranger of whom I was robbed of the chance to get to know; Missing what could have been a wonderful future together; Loving you, my precious firstborn child.

Lots of Love & Kisses Today and Everyday,

Daddy & Mummy

(and your little brother too)

Little Bun is 7 Weeks Old!!

My little bun is 7 weeks old today! It feels like he's been here all my life, but looking back, it's only a mere 7 weeks. Our little family is settling into a brand new routine with the addition of the newest arrival, even our poor dogs' routine had been affected. Poor Hershey is still rather bewildered by the tiny bundle which we brought home 7 weeks ago which sleeps a lot, needs to be carried around and sometimes makes the most scary loud noises (crying!!). She is rather obsessed with wanting to lick him, especially on his face and little feet. It totally freaks my mom and aunt out big time (fear that she'll nip him and fear of 'germs'). For the former, I'm fairly confident it won't happen cos Hershey is a little pussycat and she does like children and is very gentle with them based on her previous interaction with kids. As for the latter, I told my mom germs or no germs, it's something we will have to get used to sooner or later cos little bun will be growing up in an environment with dogs so it's just a matter of time we expose him to dog saliva/fur.

Like Hershey, my little 'senior citizen', Huskee, is equally puzzled by little bun and wants nothing much to do with him, but I've caught him sneaking little bun a few kisses when he thinks no one is looking! However I try not to force Huskee too much cos I don't want to stress him out. Moreover, Huskee has never been very sociable or comfortable with anything new (and loud). Guess I'll let him get used to little bun at his own pace.

Little bun has changed a lot ever since we first brought him home.. He's literally growing up and changing right before my eyes. Here's a comparison of the photo of him as a newborn and another photo of him taken today.

I had a sudden realization last night! This is the longest time I haven't had a needle poked into me! Clearly, I didn't miss it one tiny bit. Thinking back, the last time I was poked was during the delivery of little bun (epidural, the drip plug, etc) and then nothing else thereafter. Feels so darn good not to have a permanently bruised tummy and/or wrists (where they usually draw my blood from). Best of all, I don't have to go through the pain of needle pricks 3 times a day with the insulin (2x) and my nightly dose of Clexane (which is the root cause to all my nasty bruises on the tummy).

This Wednesday though, I won't be able to avoid being poked cos I'd have to do a blood test. I will be going for round 2 of my Glucose Tolerance Test (GTT) to ascertain if my diabetes is caused by pregnancy or if it is a pre-existing condition that is not pregnancy induced. Hopefully if it is the former (**crossing fingers**), then it should have cleared-up by now (i.e 6 weeks post delivery). If it's the latter (**knocking on wood**), then I am royally screwed.

Energizer Bunny

I have been told that babies sleep a lot, in fact, they sleep between 16-18 hours per day. However from my observation and experience, this is certainly NOT the case with little bun. My little Energizer Bunny can go without sleep for stretches of 4-5 hours straight... Unfortunately, his mummy and daddy are not powered by Energizer. We are begining to feel the effects of the lack of sleep and are walking around like zombies. **yawn**

Presents Galore!!

This is little bun's loot from his full month celebration yesterday... In my 34 years, I have never received so many presents before, fancy receiving so many presents when he is only a little over a month old! Little bun is indeed a 'lucky bun'!!

I still haven't gotten around to opening the presents cos I was worn out from all the activities. Totally drained but feeling very happy at the same time... felt great to catch up with many old (and close) friends. Just wished there was enough time to properly catch up with each and everyone since I basically did a 'disappearing act' for almost a year. So much to share but so little time!

I can really feel the happiness and joy that my friends felt for us... all the people whom we invited over yesterday were family and close friends, so all of them knew of our rocky journey towards parenthood. I lost count of the number of people who told me how happy they are for us, and my reply to them was that I feel very blessed. I don't know how it happened, but someone up there/ out there was definitely looking after little bun.

Thankfully little bun was well-behaved throughout his party (i.e. didn't cry much) cos he'd been rather cranky lately. He's always wanting to be held or to be fed and refuses to sleep (it's good for us when he is asleep cos it means we can do our own things!!). But as he gets bigger, he is sleeping lesser and demanding more attention.

Well, since he's sound asleep now, I'd better open up all his presents...

Lucky Bun

Have been busy preparing for little bun's (belated) full month celebration aka baby shower this Sunday. It was supposed to be last weekend but Mark's sister's flights were already booked for this week, hence we delayed it for a week. We were initially planning to keep it small and restricted to family and very close friends, but somehow we ended up with a guest list of over **ahem** 70pax (and this is after numerous rounds of trimming down the list). Family members only account for less than a third of the total headcount!! Being the recluse and hermits we are, Mark and I have more 'close friends' than we thought, which is a rather good thing!!

The only regret I have is I cannot invite my 'doggie friends' (who are all based overseas). There are sooooo many of them whom I'd love to meet in person and give a big hug to cos although we are miles apart, they have given me a lot of encouragement and support through my years of pregnancy losses, infertility and subsequent successful pregnancy. Many of them even sent presents to little bun ever since his arrival a month ago. I feel truly feel blessed to know this lovely group of people (and their dogs), their friendship and kindness to me is humbling. People always say you have to beware of who you meet on the internet, but for me, this particular group of people have proven this warning wrong. They are folks whom I have never met (or even spoken to), but are a lot nicer than some of the 'friends' I have.

Some photos of little bun and the presents that he'd received from my friends overseas... he is one very lucky and pampered bun indeed!! (I have been advised there are even more presents that are on the way!!)

From my favourite country, Australia -

Brooke Lee (I hope you are reading this..)

Thank you, dear friend for 'walking' this journey with me.

Your friendship means a lot to Mark & I.

From Holland

From the US -

We were overwhelmed by the generosity of the sender..

The presents arrived in 2 HUGE boxes!!

From Scotland

Low Battery Alert

Slightly more than one month after we brought little bun home, my energy level (Mark's too) is running very low. For the past month, I have taken over the 'midnight shift' to take care of little bun on my own without any help, but over the past weekend, I caved in and had my mom stay over for 2 nights. Have since realised that this doesn't really help much cos I still have to get up a few times through the night to feed him.

Little bun was cranky the whole of yesterday afternoon till evening and by nighttime I was so totally exhausted. Mark took over holding little bun right after dinner while I took a power nap till my shift at midnight. I promptly fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillow (only realized this morning that I kinda forgot to brush my teeth)! Ughhh!!

Little Bun is 1 Month Old!!

Somewhere between singing endless lullabies, feeding and burping, diaper changing and gazing adoringly at the face of my little bun, one whole month had flown by and my darling pride and joy is now a month old! This also means that Mark and I survived the first month of being new parents... and I am proud to announce that I made it through one solid month without a night of uninterrupted sleep. Frankly, I do miss having a good night's sleep (for me, sleep ranks #1 on my 'Maslow hierarchy of needs', followed by shopping.. Oh right, shopping is not a basic need).

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Happy 1 Month Old, little bun!! It's such joy watching you grow before my eyes. I love waking up with you beside me every day, I adore sniffing your unique (sometimes ummm... funky) baby scent and I cannot get enough of listening to all the funny gurgling/mewing/grunting sounds that you make.

Little Bun's 1st Phone Call

In the list of little bun's 'first things', this is one which I certainly didn't expect to come this early. Yesterday afternoon, I received a call asking to speak to Kyran.. Yes, my 3.5 weeks old son has someone calling to ask for him!! I didn't know how to react at all and just kept stupidly quiet (probably too stunned) until I heard peels of laughter on the line. The call was from the 2 nurses from the IVIG clinic and they were calling to see how I was doing and also check to see how little bun was. I thought it was really so sweet of them. They have been going above and beyond their duty as nurses and have been so thoughtful and kind to me/us! We chatted and I updated them on little bun's development... they also relayed a message from the haematology doctor (Dr Vasoo) that she wants to see little bun before she goes away on long leave until Jan 2012. The nurses reminded me that if I ever brought little bun for his next appointment with the pediatrician, I must bring him over to say 'hi' cos they want to see him.

Little bun is also one of Dr Vasoo's 'success stories' as much as he is Dr Anu's. IVIG is still a very new and groundbreaking treatment in Singapore, and its effectiveness is controversial, especially since its cost is so high. The hospital that I went to is one of the few (if not the only one) hospitals in Singapore that offers this treatment and doctors from other hospitals have been seeking treatment there too. Before the birth of little bun, I had also agreed to be participate in a research on this subject that Dr Vasoo is conducting by 'donating' my placenta for the study. Mark and I don't know if IVIG is what helped me carry little bun to full term, and no one, even the doctors, would ever be able to confirm it.

Mark puts it across in a way that I totally concur with... in our case, it is not the journey that matters but the end result i.e. it doesn't matter how we get there, but the crux is that at the end of the day, little bun is here with us. And in order to achieve this, we have A LOT of people to thank.

Names.. Names... Names.... (Part III)

So how did Mark and I eventually decide and agree on the name for little bun (and no, it's not Lee-Tle-Bun as I had originally feared)? I have always liked the name 'Keiron' but didn't really fancy the meaning (it means 'little dark one'). One day while I was mindlessly searching through another long list of names (yup, I have gone through countless websites and have looked not just at English names, but also French, Welsh, Scottish, Hebrew, Japanese, Greek, Hindu, Latin... you name it, I have gone through it). I came across 'Kiran', which in Hindu and Sanskrit means 'a ray of light', and it has a variation - 'Kyran'. I liked it immediately since phonetically, it sounds exactly the same as 'Keiron' and also because of the following contributing factors:

• Dr Anu is Indian and this is partly a 'tribute' to her. Without her help and dedication, Kyran wouldn't be here today.
• The meaning of Kiran/Kyran i.e. 'ray of light', has an almost similar meaning to 'Lucas', which means 'light'. I like the idea that my 2 boys' names are somewhat linked.
• Originally the date that we planned to deliver little bun was very close to the India festival Deepavali, popularly known as 'Festival of Lights'.
• There is a 'money bag' i.e. 'y' in Kyran' (heehee...).

So, this is how we settled on 'Kyran'. Another name I like is 'Zachary' but Mark doesn't seem to fancy it much. He said it's a bit too biblical, which is precisely why I like it. The meaning of Zachary is 'God remembers', and in a way, it's rather fitting in our case. I am not religious.. possibly an atheist to a certain degree even, but strangely, I did feel very 'abandoned' by God when I lost Lucas and Chloe. The period when I had depression was also a long, dark and deserted journey. Now that we have been blessed with Kyran, it's a sign that God didn't forget about me like I had thought. I also like the short form of Zachary.. Zac sounds very macho, no??

Anyway, now that we have named little bun 'Kyran', I can't imagine him being named anything else. It seems to 'fit' him too, though he does have a couple of other nicknames. My mom calls him 'Kai Kai' (part of little bun's Chinese name). I call/refer to him as 'little bun' mostly and Mark has been calling him his 'champion' since the day little bun was born. Every evening after Mark returns home from work, the first thing he does (after washing his hands) is to come into little bun's room to check on him. I love hearing the pride and gentleness in Mark's voice when he asks little bun "Hey, so how's my champion doing today?".