My Little Secret

Yesterday's scan showed that little bun is doing well (and my cervical length is still looking very good). The mixture of emotions of seeing little bun actively bobbing around in my belly is totally beyond words - the relief of seeing that he/she is alive and growing week by week; the excitement of seeing him/her making little movements; the fear of losing something so tiny, fragile and vulnerable; and most of all, a mother's joy and delight in knowing that there is a life growing inside of her. Each week I go through this rollercoaster ride, and I am grateful that so far Mark and I have been blessed.

While the sonographer was doing my cervical scan, she suddenly asked if I wanted to know the gender of the baby (I think at that time, little bun happened move into a position whereby his/her genitalia was visible). I was totally caught by surprise because I didn't expect to be able to find out whether I was expecting a 'Master Little Bun' or a 'Missy Little Bun' for another few weeks when we do the detailed scan. Even so, Mark and I had previously agreed that we didn't want to know little bun's gender because frankly, having a baby boy or a baby girl really doesn't matter as long as the baby is born healthy and full term. I know many parents say this when they are being asked, but for Mark and I, after losing so many babies, gender is really the last thing on our minds.

Anyway, I told the sonographer that I didn't want to know, which she said she'd indicate on my records so as to ensure that no one will accidentally reveal it to me during future scans. However, I had a split second glance at the screen just before the sonographer moved it away and I think I saw the 'answer'. I didn't do it intentionally though, but I think I have acquired this knack of being able to read those blurred and fuzzy grey, black and white images rather well. In Chloe's case, I was able to tell Mark that we were expecting a girl even before the sonographer told us. For girls you see something like 3 distinct white lines (somewhat like 3-pronged fork) and for boys, you'll obviously see a ummmm... 'package'.

I confessed to Mark that I thought I saw little bun's gender, but of course I am not 100% sure that I am right. He said that he didn't want to know, and I respect his decision so I am keeping it to myself for now. All I can say is that the 'perfect' name that I had thought of a couple of weeks back (which I didn't share with anyone, including Mark) can't be used anymore because it is of the wrong gender. I came up with that name not because I have any gender preference, but one day it just popped in my head and I love the way it sounds and its meaning. Now it's not so perfect anymore... perhaps I will share it here one day. Anyhow, just in case I am wrong, I already have a back-up name ready. Heehee...

Perhaps one day, another perfect name (this time of the correct gender) will pop up in my head. Till then, little bun will, well, remain as my little bun.