Mark did a very sweet thing a week after little bun was born. He made me this card and I was so moved. It still brings tears to my eyes everytime I look at the card. Somehow gives me comfort in knowing that our Angels will forever be a part of our lives, and little bun's too. They may not be physically here with us, but they live forever in our hearts. It's also nice to think that they are watching over little bun.

I hope that one day when little bun is old enough, I'd be able to tell him about his angel siblings and why his daddy and mummy have got matching tattoos on their backs. I also hope for little bun to know that it is partly because of them that made it possible for him to be here with us today.

***********************************

My Darling Angels,

I miss you so much, I love you so much, and my heart still aches and pines for you.

Love,

Mummy

Little Bun is 3 Weeks Old!!

Little bun is 3 weeks old today!!

He is really growing bigger and stronger right before my eyes. I have been taking photos of him daily and when I look at the photos of him that were taken when he was born, he already looks pretty different! One big difference is that he is a lot less fragile and is rather sturdy now.. The other thing I can now confirm is he has dimples like me, but the double eyelid part is yet to be confirmed. Doesn't seem like it from looks of it.. just like his daddy! Although his sight is still limited, his eye movements are now alert and follows the lights.

Behaviour wise, he seems to be settling down in our family and is getting a good hang of which buttons to push to get us to hold him! He is also feeding a whole lot more than 2 weeks ago. The other thing that Mark and I have noticed is he is one impatient little bun... when he wants his milk, he only allows me all of 5 seconds to 'get ready' before he goes into full force brawling. Mark says he got his impatience from me, and unfortunately, I have to agree cos between the both of us, Mark is more laidback (sometimes to the extent of what I'd refer to as 'slack').

How Do I Love Thee?

6 November - If little bun is still in my belly, he'd have been exactly 40 weeks old today. Today is also the actual estimated delivery date that I had circled in my mind's calendar and had been counting down to and striving towards during the first 6 months of my pregnancy. I have also been tracking the progress of the pregnancy on this app called iPregnancy on my iPhone right from the start.

Late last night, as I was alone nursing my squirming, bundled up baby who will very soon turn 3 weeks old, I looked at him in wonderment. How did Mark and I create this perfectly formed little being? How did a failure with a horrid obstetric track record like me manage to hang on long enough this time to bring him into this world? What did I/we do right this time that we didn't do for my previous pregnancies? How amazing is it that the 2 microscopic cells from Mark and I grow and evolve to become a mini human? How is it that I can be filled with so much love and adoration for someone I have only 'met' for barely 3 weeks and am willing to lay my life down for?

How Do I Love Thee?

*****************

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Little bun turned 2 weeks old yesterday! So happy and content to see my little bun thriving. Mark and I brought him for his check-up yesterday and while he is still slightly jaundiced, the pediatrician was very pleased with how little bun is doing overall. Little bun also managed to put on close to 500g since he was last weighed about 10 days ago, slightly more than the normal weight gain of 200g per week!

Mark and I puffed out our chests like any proud parents would.. it was as if we were told that our son invented a life-saving drug or something! I was told to continue to watch his poo (if the color turns pale, then it means his jaundice level needs to be checked)... 'Poo-watching' and 'diaper counting' had been my latest hobby since bringing little bun home.

After little bun's appointment, we proceeded to my appointment with Dr Anu to check on my stitches and how I have healed. I felt a sense of immense relief and achievement when I walked into the clinic for the first time with a baby in my arms. For the past 9 plus months, I have walked into that clinic at least once a week with my baby in my belly and feeling a variety of emotions that range from happiness to relief to worry to fear to etc... There had been times when I feel so much envy when I see other women holding their babies. Now that I have the source of all my emotions safely cuddled in my arms, what an awesome feeling that is!

We also took the opportunity to take some photos with Dr Anu... Having little bun here today is as much her 'achievement' as it is ours. She's been more than just a doctor to me and we could tell she is genuinely happy for Mark and I. I can still recall that the first time I saw her was around November or December 2009, about 5-6 months after I lost Chloe. She held my hands and comforted me when I couldn't control my tears while recounting to her my 'history'. Now I feel that I can finally close that chapter of my life, the chapter I'd entitle 'Motherhood'... although it was a long, rocky and painful chapter, I am glad it has a happy ending.

Mark and I wouldn't have gotten here without Dr Anu's help, and for that, we'd be eternally grateful to her for giving us our lives back. Our lives came to a standstill after we lost Chloe and I basically allowed myself to spiral into that deep dark hole of depression. I can say that I single-handedly fucked up the lives of myself, of Mark and to a certain extent, our extended families, for the past few years.

Having little bun here with us today somewhat eases that pain and for me, it makes me feel less of a 'failure'. While nothing will ever compensate for the loss of our Angels, I know that they will forever live in the hearts of Mark and I... gone but never forgotten. I also like to think that our Angels are watching over little bun from Heaven and will forever be his guardian angels, watching over and protecting him.

I am blogging less than I want to, but it is not because I have nothing to write about. On the contrary, I have SO much that I want to write about on my new experience as as a mother but taking care of little bun is really a full time job. When he's awake, there's a lot of diaper changing, bonding and feeding to do, and when he is asleep, I use the window to shower, eat, catch forty winks and/or do some housework.

I have since learnt that as part and parcel of motherhood, you not only learn to survive on minimal sleep, you also learn to finish your meals really fast, long showers are a thing of the past, toilet breaks must be carefully planned and timed, and watching your favourite TV show uninterrupted is unheard of. Thankfully Mark is a very hands-on daddy and I am so glad he is able to share the load with me. As a matter of fact, I think he does a much better job than I do in coaxing little bun to sleep (it involved a long session of singing plus dancing/twirling... the latter two I refuse to partake in). Mark will be going back to work on Wednesday and I know that I will miss his help and presence... it's just good knowing that he is in the house with me.

My precious sleeping child...

For the past week, most of my time was spent on changing dirty diapers, rocking little bun to sleep, soothing him when he cries (which fortunately isn't very often), bonding with him durin the time he is awake, breastfeeding him (I don't like to feed him every X hours like some people tell me to, I'd rather feed him as and when he wants to be fed.. it's rather tiring, but well worth it). I am already back to my pre-pregnancy weight, but then since I didn't put on very much (a grand 6.4kg during the entire 37 weeks), I guess it's not unexpected.

Even Mark had lost some weight too.. hehehe... He does a fantastic job at rocking little bun to sleep and singing the ONE & ONLY nursery song - Old MacDonald (and seems like poor Old MacDonald's farm only has one animal, i.e. the duck. We've got to aim for 'farm expansion' soon!). Mark is a wonderful daddy... I love looking at him cuddle little bun in his arms and cooing lovingly to him. I also like how he gets overly worried whenever little bun cries. Yes, I was right all along, I knew right from the start that this man not only would make an awesome husband, but he would also be a #1 dad. I am just sad that it took me/us so long to prove the latter, and that my Angels didn't get to experience it.

Many times, I have caught myself staring and smiling idiotically while looking at my son's sleeping face... I don't think I will ever get tired of looking at him and inhaling his unique scent (no, not poop related). I have also told him countless times since his birth that I will love him and protect him for as long as I live, and that he's got Angels watching over him.

Mummy's Pride and Daddy's Joy

Just before I was discharged from hospital, one of the nurses came by to ask if I was interested in attending a talk on 'Bonding with Baby'. Mark and I immediately looked at each other before replying a resolute 'no'. I suppose there may be people out there who need some assistance/support in this area, but definitely not me. I have been waiting for this baby for soooo long, and have gone through so much to have him... my bond with him was established from the moment I got a 'plus' on my home pregnancy kit. Holding him in my arms only made the bond even more unbreakable.

I may have difficulty falling pregnant and even more challenges staying pregnant, but I know for certain that aside from these 2 'roadblocks', I am born to be a mother! I just feel sad that in my quest towards motherhood, I had to lose Lucas, Chloe and little one. I still love and miss them terribly and wonder constantly how it'd have been like if they are with us today.

Right now I am relishing every minute I am awake cos I get to see my baby boy. Sleep used to be one of the top priorities of my life but now it's taken a backseat cos I have an incentive to be awake! I can't get enough of looking at Little Bun, touching him, sniffing his unique baby scent, kisisng his head/finges/toes... I am still amazed that he is here and he is mine. I find it hard to believe that Mark and I created this perfect little being.

Happy 8th Wedding Anniversary

I was scheduled to have my C-section today and it also marks my 8th wedding anniversary. Since we were given 2 date choices, the 21st and 24th, I naturally opted for the former since this date is special to Mark and I. Unbeknownst to us, little bun had plans of his own, which is just as well. While we were contemplating the mode of delivery initially, we agreed that we'd schedule the C-section on the 21st, but if Little Bun decides to come before then, we'd go with natural delivery. My little boy decided for us and arrived on the 18th! Guess he wanted to do things naturally.

Now that I have gone through natural delivery for a full term baby, I have no regrets whatsoever. I guess the state of mind plays a very important role. When I delivered Chloe naturally, I felt that the physical pain was a lot worse although Chloe was a whole lot smaller than Little Bun since she is preterm (her birth weight was only a third of Little Bun's). I suppose it's because not only was I dealing with the physical pain then, I was also going through worse pain mentally and emotionally. With Little Bun, I knew that I'd have a baby in my arms at the end of all the pain, hence it'd all be worth it.

Before you were conceived, I wanted you dearly.

Before I laid eyes on you, I loved you madly.

Before you were born, I'd die for you gladly.

This is the miracle of a Mother's love.

********************************

Darling Hubby Mark,

Happy 8th Wedding Anniversary! No words can describe how blessed and happy I feel now that we can finally have a real celebration without tears. Ever since the day we lost Lucas, no special occasion had been the same. For the past 3.5years, we haven't had a true celebration for any of our birthdays, anniversaries, special occasions, Father's/ Mother's Day, etc.

Although we can't go out to have a nice dinner this year (and this is the first time I didn't even get you a card!!), I am sure you'll agree with me that we are having the best ever celebration at home with Little Bun. I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world!

I love you, Darling... Thank you for giving me the most precious gift of all, and for holding my hands and walking this very rough and rocky road towards parenthood. It is not without loss/es, sacrifices, pain and tears, but yes, we finally did it!

Loving You Always,

Wifey

Little Bun's Grand Entrance

Right... so the stork came slightly earlier than expected! The tentative plan was to go for a C-section on 21 Oct, which is our 8th wedding anniversary. What a memorable way to mark the 2 occasions, right? Before we can confirm things with Dr Anu on what would have been my last appointment with her today, little bun decided to make a surprise appearance.

I was all dressed up to go for a nice dinner with Mark yesterday eveing and while waiting for him to pick me up after work, I felt a small gush of water leaking. It wasn't like the time with Chloe when the water was really streaming down... this time it was more like a small flow, hence I wasn't completely sure. This was followed by a contraction, nothing unbearable... I was still determined to go ahead with dinner plans. But when I felt a second gush of water after 5 minutes, I knew something wasn't right and once Mark reached home, we made our way to hospital.

I felt like a mini-celebrity when I arrived at the Delivery Suite because after my 3 week stay there, I knew most of the nurses (vice versa) and they were all so glad to see me. I later found out that they had all been tracking my progress and knew that I had reached full term. I was lucky cos the midwife who was assigned to take care of me is one of my 'favourites'!

Chronology of events:

17 Oct 2011

6.50pm - First leakage plus contraction. Pain scale: 2/10

7.00pm - Second leakage followed by regular and more intense contractions. Pain scale: 4/10

7.30pm - Arrived at Delivery Suite. Pain scale: 5/10

8.15pm - Confirmed that waterbag had ruptured and I was 4cm dilated. More intense and regular contractions. Pain scale: 6/10

Goofing around while waiting for my epidural...

8.30pm - Discussed with Dr Anu the 'plan of action'. Eventually decided to go ahead with natural delivery and if there's anything amiss, we will then fall back onto the original plan to have a C-section. Pain scale: 6/10

Pre-epidural

9.00pm - More pain... more contractions... Told Mark I had an urge to punch him and he stayed a good distance away from me afterwards. Pain scale: 7/10

Regular and intense contractions!!

9.15pm - Held onto Mark's neck for dear life while the epidural was being inserted.

9.30pm - Epidural is in! Pain scale: 1/10 (I actually asked the anesthetist if he could perhaps do me a tiny favour by overdosing me... Alas, he rejected my suggestion.)

10.00pm to 12.00am - Waiting... 5cm dilated. Progress suddenly slowed down.

18 Oct 2011

1.00am to 2.00am - Mark sneaked home for a quick shower while I tried to catch some shut-eye.

2.00am to 4.00am - Waiting... and more waiting... too excited to sleep! Can't wait to meet my little baby!! At the same time I was worried whether if I 'd be able to go through with natural labour and come out alive at the end of it.

4.00am - Intense pressure down below but still tolerable. Already fully dilated at 10cm. Pain scale: 3/10

4.15am to 4.30am - Midwife suggested that we would do a few practice pushes. Upon checking, she saw that baby was already crowning and we could see a little tuff of black hair (Yay!! Our baby is not bald!). Midwife insisted that Mark should take a picture and show it to me... let's just say we both were a bit ummm... grossed out. Plan for practice pushing abandoned and Dr Anu was notified. Pain scale: 5/10

5.00am - Dr Anu arrived and scrubbed up. I noticed she changed into boots... the yellow rubber ones that construction workers wear, just that hers were white. I did wonder for a split second why it was necessary.

5.10am - Dr Anu checked me over and the comfy bed that I was lying on was quickly transformed into a delivery bed with stirrups and all.

5.15am - First push!! Urge to punch Mark had returned. Pain scale: 6/10

5.30am - Third push (was in too much pain and pushing too hard to notice the time for the second push) and our little boy greets the world with a fiesty cry! (Ok, he sounded rather pissed off). He was immediately laid on my chest while the midwife cleaned him up briefly. I expected to see the face of a very proud daddy, but the look on Mark's face was one of shock more than anything!!

Dr Anu invited Mark to cut the umbilical cord and his look of shock was quickly replaced by one of terror! Proud that he did it anyway... Little bun was taken away to be weighed, measured and checked (while crying his tiny lungs out) while I was being stitched and cleaned up. Mark stuck very close to me and refused to budge. I quickly realized the reason... not that he was giving me emotional support or anything romantic like that. I peeked down at what Dr Anu was doing and immediately realized it was a mistake. Many things seem to be happening 'down below' and all I could see was BLOOD. I also saw the thread and thick hook needle that was in Dr Anu's hands. No prizes for guessing what it was being used for. **Gag**.

Confused and Upset Little Bun...

By then they had placed little bun back on my chest and I was distracted and enamoured by this new stranger who is my son to notice anything else in the room, including pain.. It's a pretty good strategy I think! Oh yes, and I also found out why those boots were necessary. Mark kindly reported to me that my blood was splattered all over the floor where Dr Anu was standing. **Double gag**.

My arms will never be empty again...

Dr Anu gave me a smile and told me that it's alright to cry, but to be honest, I didn't feel the urge although I thought I would. I mean I have been waiting for this day for a very long time. I guess the shock and realization that we have finally succeed in bringing a healthy baby into this world still hasn't really sunken in. I was holding onto this red, screaming, wriggly little life that's MY son and I couldn't believe he's mine, yes, ALL MINE... I looked down at my then deflated (and sadly saggy-looking) belly and found it so hard to believe he was in there for 37weeks, right until just a few minutes ago!!

Cheeky Bun!

Sleepy Bun

I was encouraged to breastfeed little bun once I was stitched and cleaned-up and the 3 of us spent our first moment together as family. My first words to little bun was "Where have you been all my life?".

1 Year Anniversary of being.. ummm... JOBLESS!!

It had been exactly a year since I quit my job and this had been a year that had solely been dedicated to working on the 'project of my life'. Cliche, but how time flies. I don't regret leaving the job that I like and enjoy, although I do hope I will be able to go back to it one day. Kinda miss the interaction with people from all nationalities and walks of life, the deadlines, the job satisfaction, my ex-colleagues (ok only some, not all). The things that I do NOT miss are the early morning/late night conference calls and the travelling.

Oh yes, above all things, one of the things I miss the most is the financial independence of having regular pay!! Got to admit I wasn't paid too shabbily by my ex-company so I do worry if I'd ever be able to draw that kind of pay when I return to the rat race. I've got to make up for one year of 'controlled shopping' plus I'd have an extra little person to shop for! (Sidenote: baby stuff are SO expensive!!) There are soooooo many things that I'd love to buy for little bun, but since Mark and I have already spent a fortune on my medical expenses, I have to be prudent with our expenses and it's really 'needs versus wants' at the moment.