Enough Angels...

Little Bun is 4 Months Old!!

2012-02-18T15:25:00.002+08:00

Little bun is 4 months old today. He marked this special day by reaching yet another milestone, he can now roll over from his back onto his stomach unaided! He is pleased as punch with his newly acquired skill and keeps practicing it even when he is half asleep (last night Mark and I watched him execute the maneuver while he was semi-asleep with his eyes half closed. Our cute little bun never fails to baffle and amuse us with his antics!

Some of the nights as I lay beside my sleeping child, I still find it so hard to believe that I successfully carried him in my womb for 37 weeks and he belongs to me. Ok, ok, he belongs to 'us'. Mark never fails to correct me when I refer to little bun as 'my son'.. He is 'our son', happy??!). Many times I have drifted off to dreamland by staring at his beautiful face or by gently stroking his chubby cheek. As little bun now sleeps between Mark and I (so much for investing in an expensive baby cot!!), we can no longer hold hands when we sleep, as was our usual practice. However I have found myself a (even better) replacement.. I have begun letting little bun grab hold of my finger during bedtime!

I love him so much I think my heart is going to explode.

2012-02-14T18:03:00.005+08:00

My son MUST love me a lot... he gave me a 'love bite'/ hickey on my arm. :)

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Happy Valentine's Day to my darling hubby... there's no time to make you a special dinner this year, but I know you wouldn't mind it one single bit because looking at little bun every single day is a gift itself.

14 years ago, I was 'attacked' by a chubby toddler armed with a bow and arrow.. His arrow hit me and I soon started noticing and falling for this guy who stays next door who keeps buying me food, flowers and strawberry milk (??). Although you are still buying me food (often) and flowers (rarely **hint**) I am glad you have stopped buying me strawberry milk (I still don't like it).

Love you sooooo much... I am blessed to be in a relationship where I get to fall in love over and over again with the same person who is my husband!!

** Psst.. I ironed all your clothes today... There were 8 business shirts, 4 pants, 2 polo tops and 4 T-shirts. That's my Valentine's Day gift to you!! **

2012-02-02T14:30:00.000+08:00

I really like this photo that was taken recently.. it'd have been ideal if Huskee is also in it. Then again, I don't think he'll appreciate/tolerate being squished so close to Hershey while we try to fit everyone into the frame. (and it'd be good if I have longer arms.. as in REALLY long)

2012-01-31T14:11:00.003+08:00

I have a friend/ex-colleague who was trying to conceive her second child around the same time I started my fertility treatments for little bun. Her firstborn was also conceived via IVF and now that he is old enough, he asked her for a little sibling. Both she and her husband were also very keen to grow their family. She and I went to the same clinic and thus was able to share a lot of information. There were even times when we went for our appointments together. During the times when Mark was overseas and not able to administer my daily FSH injections, she would administer them for me in the office. We were 'sub-fertility buddies' in a way and enouraged and supported each other a lot along the way.

In her case, her doctor recommended her to proceed directly to IVF and she went through a few failed cycles and took some breaks in between due to work commitments. I caught up with her over lunch not long ago and she told me she'd going for another cycle in 3 days time. She had decided that it'd be be her last attempt, regardless if she succeeds or not cos it was simply to taxing emotionally and financially.

After an anxious 2 week wait, she texted me today to let me know that she's pregnant.. and with TWINS!!! I am so freaking happy for her.. (if I were a dog, I will be doing zoomies around the house)! Little bun has 2 new playmates!!

2012-01-30T11:28:00.000+08:00

Little bun is due for his second vaccination on Wednesday and I am dreading having to hold him down while they administer the injection. I already feel like a terrible mother at the mere thought of it. Sigh...

When he had the first dose of the vaccination, my little bun ran a fever for 3 days. and was very cranky. I really hope he doesn't have to suffer through it again. Crossing my fingers for him to be fever-free this time.

My 3.5 months old little bun

2012-01-26T14:21:00.000+08:00

Guess who has more new clothes than mummy and daddy combined for this Chinese New Year? This is only part of the 'ready to wear' stash which I have washed and ironed.. there are still a few more pieces which I have either decided to save for future use or which are still a tad too big for him.

We are not spoiling him... seriously, we aren't!!

2012-01-24T14:29:00.001+08:00

Little bun had a little 'windfall' this Chinese New Year.. these are all the red packets that he received on day one (yes, there are a lot more to come). Since this is the first time he's celebrating Chinese New Year, and also because his arrival had been much anticipated by the family, many of the relatives are especially generous.

We brought little bun back to Mark's home in Malaysia for the first time and we introduced him to his great-grandma for the first time too. Yup, the first day of this Chinese New Year marked many 'firsts' for us.. first Chinese New Year for little bun, first time he is going overseas, first time he's meeting many of the relatives on Mark's side of the family, first time he's going out for one whole day, first time we are receiving red packets (previous years we only give out red packets to relative's children).

For the past 3 years, Mark's grandma had been wishing us '添丁发财' without fail every Chinese New Year and this is the first time she didn't wish us that (although I wouldn't mind.. heehee). Yes, finally we have given her the great-grandson that she's been hoping for.

Little bun and his 92 year old great-grandma.

(Poor old lady had been waiting for the arrival of

this grandchild for far too long..).

Little Bun's 1st Lunar New Year

2012-01-23T14:14:00.006+08:00

Little bun wishes everyone a Happy Lunar New Year of the Dragon!!

2012-01-20T12:23:00.005+08:00

Came aross an article yesterday that made me want to go back to the psychologists whom I saw when I was battling depression.. No, this time it's not because I am depressed, but because I want to tell them "See! I told you so!!".

At the time when I was battling depression, the psychologists whom I saw kept trying to encourage me to take antidepressants to control my mood swings. At that time, I knew I was a danger to myself if left to my own devices, but I was also clear-headed enough to turn down their offer of antidepressants because I was trying to conceive and didn't want to put any unnecessary drugs into my body. The doctors kept telling me that antidepressants will not have any adverse effect on conception and on pregnancy, but I felt strongly otherwise and stood my ground.

I think the doctors thought I was a pain because no amount of convincing could convince me otherwise. However, as it was my choice, there wasn't much they could do and thus, I was sent to see a counsellor instead.

I am not gloating, but I am so extremely glad that I trusted my instinct enough to say 'no' to them at that time. According to this recent report I read, a Swedish study found that antidepressants do HAVE adverse effects on infants (through the mother during pregnancy)!

2012-01-17T14:39:00.000+08:00

Overheard the one-sided conversation between father and son one evening while Mark was holding little bun.

-> Mark to little bun: "Hands up!! This is a hold up! Do you want your milk, mittens or money?"

-> Little bun: **blank stare** (continues to chew on his fist)

I think the lack of a good night's sleep is begining to affect Mark.

Guess who?

2012-01-13T22:03:00.002+08:00

I did this interview at the request of the Fertility Clinic (which Dr Anu is a part of) which I went to while trying to conceive. At the end of it, the lady at the hospital's Corporate Communications department thanked me effusely for doing it and my reply to her was "This is the least I can do for the place and people who gave me my much-loved baby!" (and no, I didn't change my name to Sharon).

The reporter forgot to add one very important thing.. I shamelessly asked for a discount card from the hospital the next time IF I decide to give baby-making another shot. Who has heard of a hospital discount card? Hmmmm...

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Fertility woes - Too much stress can affect your babymaking chances

Jan 10, 2012

by Eveline Gan

Like many of her married peers, Sharon (not her real name) had always looked forward to starting a family. Unlike them, however, making babies did not come naturally.

Desperate, Sharon and her husband turned to fertility treatment. Although she successfully conceived twice after that, both pregnancies ended in heart-wrenching miscarriages. One of the miscarriages occurred during the sixth month of her pregnancy.

"Being surrounded by friends who were popping babies every other year, I really felt inadequate," she said.

A year and a half of infertility and two awful miscarriages later, Sharon decided to quit her stressful job in the travel industry.

It might have been a coincidence but, on Oct 18 last year, Sharon successfully delivered her healthy firstborn exactly one year to the day after she resigned from her hectic job.

"I told myself I couldn't go on like that. Something had to be sacrificed. I enjoyed my work a lot but it was also very hectic and mentally stressful," said Sharon, whose work required her to travel frequently.

Childless in Singapore

Sharon's story is not unique. In Singapore, infertility affects about 10 to 15 per cent of men and women in the reproductive age group.

Experts attribute it to couples marrying and starting a family at a later age, when the quality of eggs and sperm start going downhill.

However, Dr Stephen Chew, a senior consultant at National University Hospital's Department of Obstetrics and Gynaecology, noted that a stressful lifestyle and other sexual disorders like dyspareunia (painful intercourse) can also lead to fertility woes.

"Most Singaporeans tend to lead hectic lives, working long hours. This affects the frequency of sexual intercourse which in turn affects the chances of conception," explained Dr Chew, who will be speaking on the topic this week (see box for details).

He said that as sperm can survive for five days, it is theoretically sufficient to "cover the whole week by having sexual intercourse once or twice a week".

The problem is that for many couples, having a goal in mind (make baby tonight!) can lead to performance anxiety in men.

Dr Chew candidly spoke about the "tonight-tonight syndrome".

"It's not a medically recognised term but sexual health specialists noticed that some men seemed to be having erection problems during their wives' mid cycles (that's a woman's most fertile period). In men, stress and anxiety can affect erection," he said.

A simple strategy would be to "just go with the flow and have regular intercourse", advised Dr Chew. So wives, don't tell the husband when your mid-cycle occurs or say things like "it's now or never".

Too much stress also affects ovulation in women.

A new study by researchers from Oxford University and the US National Institutes of Health looked at 274 healthy women aged between 18 and 40 who were trying to conceive. The findings, published in the journal Fertility And Sterility, suggested that high levels of stress may reduce a woman's chances of conceiving during the fertile days of her monthly cycle.

Just how much stress affects conception is still a debatable issue, said Dr Chew.

He continued: "What we do know is that the body is hardwired to protect itself. It is engineered to know that if a pregnancy affects a woman's survival, say during periods of extreme stress like in wartime or a famine, it will shut down ovulation so that the woman can't conceive."

The same study suggests that some couples who are trying for a baby may benefit from relaxation techniques.

Dr Chew urged couples who have been trying unsuccessfully for a year to have a baby to seek medical advice.

"If you're having your period only once every six months, then you should seek medical attention straightaway because obviously, conceiving is going to be a problem if you ovulate so infrequently," he said.

Excluding the loss of income, Sharon reckoned that she and her husband spent at least S$50,000 on fertility treatment. Despite the costs and emotional strain, the first-time mum cannot be happier now, enjoying her three-month-old baby's every development milestone.

"I have gone through a difficult time trying to conceive, and have experienced two miscarriages. Now, that the baby was born, I finally feel like a woman and a mother. If I have to do it all over again, I would," she said.

Stubborness (or Courage?)

2012-01-10T11:10:00.004+08:00

This morning I groggily woke up to little bun's whimpering. I guess he'd been awake for a while already and decided it was getting boring so he wanted some company. Mark was already up but was in the shower getting ready to bring the bacon home. I am generally not a morning person, especially since I have been up 2 (or it could be 3) times last night feeding little bun and cuddling him back to dreamland thereafter.

I rolled over to face little bun and gave him a few feeble pats as I was still feeling rather grouchy (yup, no prizes for guessing who little bun inherited the grouchiness from!!) and still dying to fall back into the comfort of dreamland. Just at that moment, my little toothless boy decided to practice working his charms and flashed me a wide, gummy grin followed by a throaty "Ooooooo". He repeated this a few times and it melted my heart completely and woke me up instantly (this could be the BEST way to wake me up from now on.. **Mark, please take note**).

It was such a special moment, just between mummy and her little bun. Mark, who had by then finished his shower, saw the magical moment between us and our 'twosome' quickly became a 'threesome' cos I think the daddy was feeling jealous and left out!! Mark then made a remark that I will always remember (or until dementia sets in).

For the past decade, he had always been complaining about my stubborness (which I've vehemently denied) and we had many a fight about it. However, just this once, he admitted he is glad that I had stubbornly insisted on carrying on with fertility treatments and forging head with my baby plans. This is despite the numerous failures and hurdles that were placed in my/our path, and in the face of many naysayers. He acknowledged for the first time that if it hasn't been for my stubborness in refusing to give our baby making plans a break, our precious little bun wouldn't be here today and we wouldn't be witnessing/experiencing this morning's special moment.

***defensive mode kicking in*** I still (stubbornly??!) insist that I am not at all stubborn (LOL!!).. I'd much prefer the term 'courage'.

This is one of the quotes that I used to motivate myself during those months of seemingly futile fertility treatments:

'Courage doesn't always roar,

Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow".' --- Mary Anne Radmacher

*** With that said, Darling, if you haven't indulged in me like how you always have, and given in to me and everything that I wanted, I might very well have raised the white flag at some stage too, especially after the ectopic pregnancy in Nov '10. You recall what I told you about my reply to Dr Anu when she told me that you are a great husband and she's glad to see how strong our relationship was despite what we were going through cos she's seen many couples struggle to cope with the stress? My reply to her then was this was precisely why I was determined to give you/us a baby is because you have been such a wonderful husband, so the only way that I can do you justice is to give you a baby and make you a daddy. I hope I did you proud and made you happy, finally. ***

2012-01-07T07:16:00.002+08:00

It's almost 2 weeks after Christmas and I am still not done with my Christmas entries!! Can't help it cos my previously 'totally in control and very organised' life is now in a mess and totally dependent on the schedule of Master Little Bun... This is all said in a good way of course, I wouldn't want my current lifestyle any other way!

These are the Christmas presents that we got for Lucas, Chloe and little bun... They are Precious Moment figurines, yup, 3 more to add to the growing collection (and I am fast running out of room to display them).

The ones for Lucas (left) and Chloe (right) were bought locally while the one for little bun (centre) that says 'Baby's First Christmas' with the year 2011 was something I saw online but wasn't carried in the shops here (there's a possibility they might've been sold out way in advance although all the shops I called told me that they don't carry it, some haven't heard of it even. I find it rather strange). Fortunately, Mark got it for me online (other than the fact that I am broke, I love online shopping!!!). Both Lucas and Chloe have each got their own 'Baby's First Christmas' figurines for 2008 (Lucas) and 2009 (Chloe).

Champion Daddy

2012-01-05T21:05:00.003+08:00

I think it's about time I give credit where it is due. So far Mark has been a wonderful daddy to little bun. He is very hands-on and does everything and anything from holding little bun in his arms for hours when he is cranky to helping me bottle feed him whenever he is at home to waking up in the middle of the night to coax little bun back to sleep even though he has to work the following day. The ONLY thing that he hasn't done is changing little bun's diapers, so I told Mark I can only award him 9 out of 10 because of this.

I guess my remark spurred him and a few days ago, he quietly and secretly changed little bun's soiled diaper without being asked. Mark and little bun have forged a very close bond and little bun loves being held by his daddy. (Honestly I suspect little bun enjoys being held by his daddy more than by his mummy because when I hold him, he tends to struggle after a few minutes but he allows Mark to hold him for hours!! Hmmmmph...)

The Champion Daddy and his Little Champion

One of the MANY times where Mark held little bun

for hours and rocked him to sleep during the wee hours

* Darling, I am proud to let you know that you are now a perfect 10 daddy!

Happy 2012

2012-01-02T18:47:00.002+08:00

My Darling Angels,

We have stepped into another brand new 366 days (2012 is a leap year with 29 days in February). It is yet another year further from the day Daddy and I last saw you, but another year closer to the day where we will be reunited.

Festive periods are tough times because it is during this period where your absence is the most acute. We wish you are here to personally open your Christmas presents and we'd love to see the excitment and joy on your faces. I'd love to dress all of you in new clothings for Christmas and New Year, just like what we did with your little brother this year.

We are missing you so much. Happy New Year, sweetie pies.

'When I miss you, I don’t have to go far… I just have to look

inside my heart because that’s where I’ll find you.'

With Much Love Till We Meet Again,
Daddy & Mummy

Adieu 2011... Hello 2012

2011-12-30T09:52:00.005+08:00

We are only a day away from the end of this year and the start of another year. Seriously having mixed emotions for the past few days... While there's nothing I can do to stop time, I really don't want 2011 to come to an end because for me (and Mark), it had been one wonderful year, a year which we will never forget.

As we bid adieu to 2011, I can only hope that 2012 will be a great year for us like 2011 had been (yup, I am greedy!). I am looking forward to a year of watching my son grow up; his first crawl, his first step, his first word (which I am hoping will be "mummy"!!) or perhaps plan for a little brother or sister for little bun even??!

Thank you, 2011, for giving us a wonderful gift and truly blessed year!!

Little Bun's 1st Christmas

2011-12-27T09:17:00.000+08:00

Little bun received a number of very cute Christmas outfits and we ensured that he had a chance to wear all of them! It was like a mini fashion show. He was, however, rather grouchy on Christmas day so Mark commented that we should have gotten him green outfits with the words 'Christmas Grinch' instead!!

From Auntie Fion who bought them in Canada

From Uncle Kent & Auntie Karyn (and soon-to-arrive Baby Christian)

Romper and socks bought by Daddy!!

Merry Christmas 2011

2011-12-25T09:10:00.001+08:00

After 3 years of very miserable Christmases, there is finally a reason for us to smile this Christmas. While it is still not 'picture perfect' because it is missing my Angels, having little bun here soothes some of the old wounds.

I can still barely believe little bun is here and he is ours, yes, OURS! I am still coming to terms with the fact that I, the epic failure of a woman and mother, had managed to carry him to term. I gave birth to this little fella who had since brought so much joy (and sleepless nights) into my life). I still stare at him in disbelief and wonderment... sometimes I have to pinch myself to assure myself this is not a dream (and if this is a dream, please don't wake me up).

This year, Mark and I can finally put the 'merry' back in 'Merry Christmas' and the 'happy' back in 'Happy New Year.

Merry Christmas Darling (s)

2011-12-23T20:40:00.001+08:00

This time last year, I dedicated this song to my Angels. This song was playing in a shop while I was out for some last minute Christmas shopping and it made me stop whatever I was doing... suddenly felt my heart constrict and tears welling up in my eyes. *sigh*

I miss my Angels so much, and wherever they are, I hope they are missing me too... Merry Christmas, my darlings. I love you soooooo much.

2011-12-22T20:03:00.003+08:00

Little bun loves his daddy!

I bought this romper from Gap as a gift to Mark a mere 2 days before little bun arrived. Of course at that time, I didn't know that little bun would be arriving quite so soon. It's still a bit too big for little bun now cos the size I bought is for 3-6 months... guess I just couldn't see him wear it!!

Pressies for Dr Anu

2011-12-20T00:42:00.001+08:00

Cracked my brain thinking of what I should get for Dr Anu this Christmas.. I mean, what do you give the person who gave you back your life and who gave you the most priceless gift you had been dying to have?

Last year, I gave her a pair of tealight candle holders, one with the word 'Hope' and the other with the word 'Joy'. I first got them for myself and ended up getting another pair for Dr Anu cos I love their 'hidden meanings'. I gave them to Dr Anu along with a card that I had written the following "In your career, you have given many couples 'hope' and subsequently 'joy'... I hope that Mark and I will be one of those lucky couples next year!". She thanked me for the gift and told me she loved them (coincidentally she likes and also collects candles/candle holders)... She also said that she had displayed them in her house, but will only light them up AFTER she help us get what we want.

One year later, little did I expect that what I'd written in her Christmas card had come true! A few days after I delivered little bun, she told me that she'd be lighting up the 2 candles this Christmas because we have achieved what we wanted! I was surprised and touched that she still remembered what she'd said a year ago.

I ended up getting her a Precious Moments figurine as a token of our gratitude and appreciation in everything she'd done for me/us. I also framed the photo we took together and gave it to her. Whatever I give her can never compare to what she'd given me... she gave me my much longed for baby; she gave Mark and I our lives back; she gave me motherhood.

Mark and little bun joined me for my final appointment with her last week where I handed her the presents. We ended up chatting for quite a bit before we left and she told me taking care of me was a pleasure and it was a humbling experience for her as a medical professional. Dr Anu also encouraged us to try for baby #2 soon, preferably next year (she said that based on experience, sometimes the body may 'reset' itself after a successful pregnancy)!! I am not as optimistic as she is because with my PCOS, I think it is very unlikely that I can get pregnant without medical intervention. I told her she'd be the first person to know if we decide (or if I can convince Mark) to give little bun a little brother or sister.

While I have no regrets whatsoever, having little bun had burnt a laaaaaarge hole in our finances and we need time to rebuild it before we even dare to embark on the journey once again. But with that said, I am already excited at the prospects of the possibility of having another baby... I really do love being pregnant and I love motherhood! I know I may be greedy and asking for too much, but I just have a nagging feeling at the back of my head that tells me I am not done yet.

I think I am suffering from 'Dr Anu Withdrawal Symptoms'.. feels very unsettling to not see her every week or get her SMS. (Oh and not seeing her also means I won't get to see my Dr T anymore.. alas...)

A Final Walk Down Memory Lane...

2011-12-16T11:56:00.003+08:00

I finally got my act together and organised the long overdue 'thank you' cookies meant for the doctors and nurses who took such good care of me before, during and after my pregnancy. I have been meaning to do it much earlier but little bun had kept me so busy that this got postponed (and postponed).

We ordered 6 dozen large cookies (or message lollies as they are called) with a customized message and personally delivered them to the doctors and nurses at the Fertility Clinic, Fetal Care Centre (the place where my weekly scans were done), the IVIG clinic, the Delivery Suite as well as the Women's Clinic (the place where I see Dr Anu). It is, in a way, 'my final walk down memory lane' (or more aptly, 'my final walk down the hospital corridors'.. ok let's leave it as memory lane cos it sounds less morbid).

Mark and I brought little bun along for the trip cos he is a 'mini-celebrity' at all those places and many were eager to see him as they personally witnessed my rather eventful pregnancy. We went to all those clinics which have by now become so familiar, and they hold bittersweet memories when I look back at my journey. I am going to miss those places and the people I have met during my journey towards motherhood. I can't tell them enough how grateful I am because although they are doing their jobs, many of them have gone above and beyond that. I feel very blessed that I had them during that period of my life.

Nosey (and greedy) Hershey sniffing things out.

This visit draws to a close a very eventful, exciting and memorable chapter of my life, one which I don't ever want to forget. While we were at the Delivery Suite, my parting words to the doctors and nurses there were "I will see you in one year's time", which drew much laughter and words of encouragement from the doctors and nurses, but a wry look from my husband.

"A smile takes but a moment, but the memory of it lasts forever"

2011-12-13T15:34:00.003+08:00

Little bun is 8 weeks old today!!

To 'mark the occasion', he bestowed on me his first real smile this morning - a gummy, pink grin! According to literature, babies can only really start interacting at around 7-8 weeks old. Any 'smiles' before this is largely a reflex (much like sucking or crying) or caused by stomach gas. He was in an unusually good mood this morning after waking up and the both of us spent close to 45 minutes 'playing' and bonding. Mummy and son time!!

I've noticed that in the past 2 days, he'd become more aware of his surroundings and is reacting more to us when we talk/sing to him. He'd gaze at us and/or babble cute baby noises. He had also discovered his new favourite sleeping spot, i.e. on my chest as I recline in bed or on the couch with his head tucked under my chin. What a great feeling it is to feel his little body rise and fall in tune to his breathing, and that position allows me to sniff his head for that unique baby scent which I adore.

Little Bun's 1st Vaccination

2011-12-12T14:35:00.003+08:00

My poor little bun had his first "6 in 1" vaccination on Friday, and I think it pained me more than it pained him when the nurses gave him the 2 jabs on his little thighs. He screamed his little lungs out until no sound came out, and his tiny face quickly turned into a bright, crimson shade in the split of a second. I could only cuddle him tightly into my chest and watch on. I know these injections are for good for him, blah..blah..blah.. but it still doesn't stop me from feeling like the worst mother in the world for subjecting him to the torture, and could only watch on helplessly as my baby is in pain. (Along with his cries, the only other sound I heard was the one ringing in my head that went "baaaaad mamaaaaaa").

As expected, the vaccinations had a side effect - fever. Late Friday night, some 12 hours after the jab was administered, little bun ran a temperature and was lethargic. We gave him paracetamol, put a cold towel on his forehead and then rocked him to sleep.

Unfortunately, the fever persisted for another day and Mark and I had a little "hot cross bun" in our hands. He was feverish and grouchy for most part of Saturday and only started being back to his usual self in the later part of Sunday.

The second round of vaccination is scheduled for Feb 2012. I am trying to convince Mark that it's his turn to take little bun there cos I am 'traumatized' by the experience.

Happy 3rd Birthday to Big Brother Lucas

2011-12-09T16:40:00.003+08:00

Darling Lucas,

If you are here with us, today would have been your 3rd birthday. Here's wishing our sweet boy a Happy 3rd Birthday. Wherever you may be, I hope you can feel the love that daddy and mummy are sending your way. I am blowing you a kiss and hope you can receive it.

Whenever I look at your new little brother, I wonder if the both of you look alike and enjoy/dislike the same things. Those eyes that I gaze adoringly into, is that how your eyes look like too? Those chubby cheeks that I kiss everyday, do you have chubby cheeks too? The cute ear lobes that I mindlessly fondle whenever I am nursing Kyran, would you have liked that feeling too? The sweet baby scent that I love to inhale, is that how you would've smelled like too? Your little brother loves being carried in our arms before he'd fall asleep, is that how you'd have liked it too?

Pining for the little stranger of whom I was robbed of the chance to get to know; Missing what could have been a wonderful future together; Loving you, my precious firstborn child.

Lots of Love & Kisses Today and Everyday,

Daddy & Mummy

(and your little brother too)

Little Bun is 7 Weeks Old!!

2011-12-06T13:25:00.006+08:00

My little bun is 7 weeks old today! It feels like he's been here all my life, but looking back, it's only a mere 7 weeks. Our little family is settling into a brand new routine with the addition of the newest arrival, even our poor dogs' routine had been affected. Poor Hershey is still rather bewildered by the tiny bundle which we brought home 7 weeks ago which sleeps a lot, needs to be carried around and sometimes makes the most scary loud noises (crying!!). She is rather obsessed with wanting to lick him, especially on his face and little feet. It totally freaks my mom and aunt out big time (fear that she'll nip him and fear of 'germs'). For the former, I'm fairly confident it won't happen cos Hershey is a little pussycat and she does like children and is very gentle with them based on her previous interaction with kids. As for the latter, I told my mom germs or no germs, it's something we will have to get used to sooner or later cos little bun will be growing up in an environment with dogs so it's just a matter of time we expose him to dog saliva/fur.

Like Hershey, my little 'senior citizen', Huskee, is equally puzzled by little bun and wants nothing much to do with him, but I've caught him sneaking little bun a few kisses when he thinks no one is looking! However I try not to force Huskee too much cos I don't want to stress him out. Moreover, Huskee has never been very sociable or comfortable with anything new (and loud). Guess I'll let him get used to little bun at his own pace.

Little bun has changed a lot ever since we first brought him home.. He's literally growing up and changing right before my eyes. Here's a comparison of the photo of him as a newborn and another photo of him taken today.

2011-12-05T13:14:00.002+08:00

I had a sudden realization last night! This is the longest time I haven't had a needle poked into me! Clearly, I didn't miss it one tiny bit. Thinking back, the last time I was poked was during the delivery of little bun (epidural, the drip plug, etc) and then nothing else thereafter. Feels so darn good not to have a permanently bruised tummy and/or wrists (where they usually draw my blood from). Best of all, I don't have to go through the pain of needle pricks 3 times a day with the insulin (2x) and my nightly dose of Clexane (which is the root cause to all my nasty bruises on the tummy).

This Wednesday though, I won't be able to avoid being poked cos I'd have to do a blood test. I will be going for round 2 of my Glucose Tolerance Test (GTT) to ascertain if my diabetes is caused by pregnancy or if it is a pre-existing condition that is not pregnancy induced. Hopefully if it is the former (**crossing fingers**), then it should have cleared-up by now (i.e 6 weeks post delivery). If it's the latter (**knocking on wood**), then I am royally screwed.

Energizer Bunny

2011-12-01T08:19:00.003+08:00

I have been told that babies sleep a lot, in fact, they sleep between 16-18 hours per day. However from my observation and experience, this is certainly NOT the case with little bun. My little Energizer Bunny can go without sleep for stretches of 4-5 hours straight... Unfortunately, his mummy and daddy are not powered by Energizer. We are begining to feel the effects of the lack of sleep and are walking around like zombies. **yawn**

Presents Galore!!

2011-11-28T20:26:00.006+08:00

This is little bun's loot from his full month celebration yesterday... In my 34 years, I have never received so many presents before, fancy receiving so many presents when he is only a little over a month old! Little bun is indeed a 'lucky bun'!!

I still haven't gotten around to opening the presents cos I was worn out from all the activities. Totally drained but feeling very happy at the same time... felt great to catch up with many old (and close) friends. Just wished there was enough time to properly catch up with each and everyone since I basically did a 'disappearing act' for almost a year. So much to share but so little time!

I can really feel the happiness and joy that my friends felt for us... all the people whom we invited over yesterday were family and close friends, so all of them knew of our rocky journey towards parenthood. I lost count of the number of people who told me how happy they are for us, and my reply to them was that I feel very blessed. I don't know how it happened, but someone up there/ out there was definitely looking after little bun.

Thankfully little bun was well-behaved throughout his party (i.e. didn't cry much) cos he'd been rather cranky lately. He's always wanting to be held or to be fed and refuses to sleep (it's good for us when he is asleep cos it means we can do our own things!!). But as he gets bigger, he is sleeping lesser and demanding more attention.

Well, since he's sound asleep now, I'd better open up all his presents...

Lucky Bun

2011-11-25T07:29:00.006+08:00

Have been busy preparing for little bun's (belated) full month celebration aka baby shower this Sunday. It was supposed to be last weekend but Mark's sister's flights were already booked for this week, hence we delayed it for a week. We were initially planning to keep it small and restricted to family and very close friends, but somehow we ended up with a guest list of over **ahem** 70pax (and this is after numerous rounds of trimming down the list). Family members only account for less than a third of the total headcount!! Being the recluse and hermits we are, Mark and I have more 'close friends' than we thought, which is a rather good thing!!

The only regret I have is I cannot invite my 'doggie friends' (who are all based overseas). There are sooooo many of them whom I'd love to meet in person and give a big hug to cos although we are miles apart, they have given me a lot of encouragement and support through my years of pregnancy losses, infertility and subsequent successful pregnancy. Many of them even sent presents to little bun ever since his arrival a month ago. I feel truly feel blessed to know this lovely group of people (and their dogs), their friendship and kindness to me is humbling. People always say you have to beware of who you meet on the internet, but for me, this particular group of people have proven this warning wrong. They are folks whom I have never met (or even spoken to), but are a lot nicer than some of the 'friends' I have.

Some photos of little bun and the presents that he'd received from my friends overseas... he is one very lucky and pampered bun indeed!! (I have been advised there are even more presents that are on the way!!)

From my favourite country, Australia -

Brooke Lee (I hope you are reading this..)

Thank you, dear friend for 'walking' this journey with me.

Your friendship means a lot to Mark & I.

From Holland

From the US -

We were overwhelmed by the generosity of the sender..

The presents arrived in 2 HUGE boxes!!

From Scotland

Low Battery Alert

2011-11-23T08:09:00.004+08:00

Slightly more than one month after we brought little bun home, my energy level (Mark's too) is running very low. For the past month, I have taken over the 'midnight shift' to take care of little bun on my own without any help, but over the past weekend, I caved in and had my mom stay over for 2 nights. Have since realised that this doesn't really help much cos I still have to get up a few times through the night to feed him.

Little bun was cranky the whole of yesterday afternoon till evening and by nighttime I was so totally exhausted. Mark took over holding little bun right after dinner while I took a power nap till my shift at midnight. I promptly fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillow (only realized this morning that I kinda forgot to brush my teeth)! Ughhh!!

Little Bun is 1 Month Old!!

2011-11-18T17:11:00.011+08:00

Somewhere between singing endless lullabies, feeding and burping, diaper changing and gazing adoringly at the face of my little bun, one whole month had flown by and my darling pride and joy is now a month old! This also means that Mark and I survived the first month of being new parents... and I am proud to announce that I made it through one solid month without a night of uninterrupted sleep. Frankly, I do miss having a good night's sleep (for me, sleep ranks #1 on my 'Maslow hierarchy of needs', followed by shopping.. Oh right, shopping is not a basic need).

**************************************

Happy 1 Month Old, little bun!! It's such joy watching you grow before my eyes. I love waking up with you beside me every day, I adore sniffing your unique (sometimes ummm... funky) baby scent and I cannot get enough of listening to all the funny gurgling/mewing/grunting sounds that you make.

Little Bun's 1st Phone Call

2011-11-17T13:56:00.000+08:00

In the list of little bun's 'first things', this is one which I certainly didn't expect to come this early. Yesterday afternoon, I received a call asking to speak to Kyran.. Yes, my 3.5 weeks old son has someone calling to ask for him!! I didn't know how to react at all and just kept stupidly quiet (probably too stunned) until I heard peels of laughter on the line. The call was from the 2 nurses from the IVIG clinic and they were calling to see how I was doing and also check to see how little bun was. I thought it was really so sweet of them. They have been going above and beyond their duty as nurses and have been so thoughtful and kind to me/us! We chatted and I updated them on little bun's development... they also relayed a message from the haematology doctor (Dr Vasoo) that she wants to see little bun before she goes away on long leave until Jan 2012. The nurses reminded me that if I ever brought little bun for his next appointment with the pediatrician, I must bring him over to say 'hi' cos they want to see him.

Little bun is also one of Dr Vasoo's 'success stories' as much as he is Dr Anu's. IVIG is still a very new and groundbreaking treatment in Singapore, and its effectiveness is controversial, especially since its cost is so high. The hospital that I went to is one of the few (if not the only one) hospitals in Singapore that offers this treatment and doctors from other hospitals have been seeking treatment there too. Before the birth of little bun, I had also agreed to be participate in a research on this subject that Dr Vasoo is conducting by 'donating' my placenta for the study. Mark and I don't know if IVIG is what helped me carry little bun to full term, and no one, even the doctors, would ever be able to confirm it.

Mark puts it across in a way that I totally concur with... in our case, it is not the journey that matters but the end result i.e. it doesn't matter how we get there, but the crux is that at the end of the day, little bun is here with us. And in order to achieve this, we have A LOT of people to thank.

Names.. Names... Names.... (Part III)

2011-11-15T09:34:00.003+08:00

So how did Mark and I eventually decide and agree on the name for little bun (and no, it's not Lee-Tle-Bun as I had originally feared)? I have always liked the name 'Keiron' but didn't really fancy the meaning (it means 'little dark one'). One day while I was mindlessly searching through another long list of names (yup, I have gone through countless websites and have looked not just at English names, but also French, Welsh, Scottish, Hebrew, Japanese, Greek, Hindu, Latin... you name it, I have gone through it). I came across 'Kiran', which in Hindu and Sanskrit means 'a ray of light', and it has a variation - 'Kyran'. I liked it immediately since phonetically, it sounds exactly the same as 'Keiron' and also because of the following contributing factors:

Dr Anu is Indian and this is partly a 'tribute' to her. Without her help and dedication, Kyran wouldn't be here today.
The meaning of Kiran/Kyran i.e. 'ray of light', has an almost similar meaning to 'Lucas', which means 'light'. I like the idea that my 2 boys' names are somewhat linked.
Originally the date that we planned to deliver little bun was very close to the India festival Deepavali, popularly known as 'Festival of Lights'.
There is a 'money bag' i.e. 'y' in Kyran' (heehee...).

So, this is how we settled on 'Kyran'. Another name I like is 'Zachary' but Mark doesn't seem to fancy it much. He said it's a bit too biblical, which is precisely why I like it. The meaning of Zachary is 'God remembers', and in a way, it's rather fitting in our case. I am not religious.. possibly an atheist to a certain degree even, but strangely, I did feel very 'abandoned' by God when I lost Lucas and Chloe. The period when I had depression was also a long, dark and deserted journey. Now that we have been blessed with Kyran, it's a sign that God didn't forget about me like I had thought. I also like the short form of Zachary.. Zac sounds very macho, no??

Anyway, now that we have named little bun 'Kyran', I can't imagine him being named anything else. It seems to 'fit' him too, though he does have a couple of other nicknames. My mom calls him 'Kai Kai' (part of little bun's Chinese name). I call/refer to him as 'little bun' mostly and Mark has been calling him his 'champion' since the day little bun was born. Every evening after Mark returns home from work, the first thing he does (after washing his hands) is to come into little bun's room to check on him. I love hearing the pride and gentleness in Mark's voice when he asks little bun "Hey, so how's my champion doing today?".

2011-11-11T18:47:00.005+08:00

Mark did a very sweet thing a week after little bun was born. He made me this card and I was so moved. It still brings tears to my eyes everytime I look at the card. Somehow gives me comfort in knowing that our Angels will forever be a part of our lives, and little bun's too. They may not be physically here with us, but they live forever in our hearts. It's also nice to think that they are watching over little bun.

I hope that one day when little bun is old enough, I'd be able to tell him about his angel siblings and why his daddy and mummy have got matching tattoos on their backs. I also hope for little bun to know that it is partly because of them that made it possible for him to be here with us today.

***********************************

My Darling Angels,

I miss you so much, I love you so much, and my heart still aches and pines for you.

Love,

Mummy

Little Bun is 3 Weeks Old!!

2011-11-08T15:48:00.004+08:00

Little bun is 3 weeks old today!!

He is really growing bigger and stronger right before my eyes. I have been taking photos of him daily and when I look at the photos of him that were taken when he was born, he already looks pretty different! One big difference is that he is a lot less fragile and is rather sturdy now.. The other thing I can now confirm is he has dimples like me, but the double eyelid part is yet to be confirmed. Doesn't seem like it from looks of it.. just like his daddy! Although his sight is still limited, his eye movements are now alert and follows the lights.

Behaviour wise, he seems to be settling down in our family and is getting a good hang of which buttons to push to get us to hold him! He is also feeding a whole lot more than 2 weeks ago. The other thing that Mark and I have noticed is he is one impatient little bun... when he wants his milk, he only allows me all of 5 seconds to 'get ready' before he goes into full force brawling. Mark says he got his impatience from me, and unfortunately, I have to agree cos between the both of us, Mark is more laidback (sometimes to the extent of what I'd refer to as 'slack').

How Do I Love Thee?

2011-11-06T02:13:00.006+08:00

6 November - If little bun is still in my belly, he'd have been exactly 40 weeks old today. Today is also the actual estimated delivery date that I had circled in my mind's calendar and had been counting down to and striving towards during the first 6 months of my pregnancy. I have also been tracking the progress of the pregnancy on this app called iPregnancy on my iPhone right from the start.

Late last night, as I was alone nursing my squirming, bundled up baby who will very soon turn 3 weeks old, I looked at him in wonderment. How did Mark and I create this perfectly formed little being? How did a failure with a horrid obstetric track record like me manage to hang on long enough this time to bring him into this world? What did I/we do right this time that we didn't do for my previous pregnancies? How amazing is it that the 2 microscopic cells from Mark and I grow and evolve to become a mini human? How is it that I can be filled with so much love and adoration for someone I have only 'met' for barely 3 weeks and am willing to lay my life down for?

How Do I Love Thee?

*****************

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

2011-11-02T12:40:00.003+08:00

Little bun turned 2 weeks old yesterday! So happy and content to see my little bun thriving. Mark and I brought him for his check-up yesterday and while he is still slightly jaundiced, the pediatrician was very pleased with how little bun is doing overall. Little bun also managed to put on close to 500g since he was last weighed about 10 days ago, slightly more than the normal weight gain of 200g per week!

Mark and I puffed out our chests like any proud parents would.. it was as if we were told that our son invented a life-saving drug or something! I was told to continue to watch his poo (if the color turns pale, then it means his jaundice level needs to be checked)... 'Poo-watching' and 'diaper counting' had been my latest hobby since bringing little bun home.

After little bun's appointment, we proceeded to my appointment with Dr Anu to check on my stitches and how I have healed. I felt a sense of immense relief and achievement when I walked into the clinic for the first time with a baby in my arms. For the past 9 plus months, I have walked into that clinic at least once a week with my baby in my belly and feeling a variety of emotions that range from happiness to relief to worry to fear to etc... There had been times when I feel so much envy when I see other women holding their babies. Now that I have the source of all my emotions safely cuddled in my arms, what an awesome feeling that is!

We also took the opportunity to take some photos with Dr Anu... Having little bun here today is as much her 'achievement' as it is ours. She's been more than just a doctor to me and we could tell she is genuinely happy for Mark and I. I can still recall that the first time I saw her was around November or December 2009, about 5-6 months after I lost Chloe. She held my hands and comforted me when I couldn't control my tears while recounting to her my 'history'. Now I feel that I can finally close that chapter of my life, the chapter I'd entitle 'Motherhood'... although it was a long, rocky and painful chapter, I am glad it has a happy ending.

Mark and I wouldn't have gotten here without Dr Anu's help, and for that, we'd be eternally grateful to her for giving us our lives back. Our lives came to a standstill after we lost Chloe and I basically allowed myself to spiral into that deep dark hole of depression. I can say that I single-handedly fucked up the lives of myself, of Mark and to a certain extent, our extended families, for the past few years.

Having little bun here with us today somewhat eases that pain and for me, it makes me feel less of a 'failure'. While nothing will ever compensate for the loss of our Angels, I know that they will forever live in the hearts of Mark and I... gone but never forgotten. I also like to think that our Angels are watching over little bun from Heaven and will forever be his guardian angels, watching over and protecting him.

2011-10-31T12:02:00.003+08:00

I am blogging less than I want to, but it is not because I have nothing to write about. On the contrary, I have SO much that I want to write about on my new experience as as a mother but taking care of little bun is really a full time job. When he's awake, there's a lot of diaper changing, bonding and feeding to do, and when he is asleep, I use the window to shower, eat, catch forty winks and/or do some housework.

I have since learnt that as part and parcel of motherhood, you not only learn to survive on minimal sleep, you also learn to finish your meals really fast, long showers are a thing of the past, toilet breaks must be carefully planned and timed, and watching your favourite TV show uninterrupted is unheard of. Thankfully Mark is a very hands-on daddy and I am so glad he is able to share the load with me. As a matter of fact, I think he does a much better job than I do in coaxing little bun to sleep (it involved a long session of singing plus dancing/twirling... the latter two I refuse to partake in). Mark will be going back to work on Wednesday and I know that I will miss his help and presence... it's just good knowing that he is in the house with me.

My precious sleeping child...

2011-10-26T19:49:00.009+08:00

For the past week, most of my time was spent on changing dirty diapers, rocking little bun to sleep, soothing him when he cries (which fortunately isn't very often), bonding with him durin the time he is awake, breastfeeding him (I don't like to feed him every X hours like some people tell me to, I'd rather feed him as and when he wants to be fed.. it's rather tiring, but well worth it). I am already back to my pre-pregnancy weight, but then since I didn't put on very much (a grand 6.4kg during the entire 37 weeks), I guess it's not unexpected.

Even Mark had lost some weight too.. hehehe... He does a fantastic job at rocking little bun to sleep and singing the ONE & ONLY nursery song - Old MacDonald (and seems like poor Old MacDonald's farm only has one animal, i.e. the duck. We've got to aim for 'farm expansion' soon!). Mark is a wonderful daddy... I love looking at him cuddle little bun in his arms and cooing lovingly to him. I also like how he gets overly worried whenever little bun cries. Yes, I was right all along, I knew right from the start that this man not only would make an awesome husband, but he would also be a #1 dad. I am just sad that it took me/us so long to prove the latter, and that my Angels didn't get to experience it.

Many times, I have caught myself staring and smiling idiotically while looking at my son's sleeping face... I don't think I will ever get tired of looking at him and inhaling his unique scent (no, not poop related). I have also told him countless times since his birth that I will love him and protect him for as long as I live, and that he's got Angels watching over him.

Mummy's Pride and Daddy's Joy

2011-10-24T14:40:00.007+08:00

Just before I was discharged from hospital, one of the nurses came by to ask if I was interested in attending a talk on 'Bonding with Baby'. Mark and I immediately looked at each other before replying a resolute 'no'. I suppose there may be people out there who need some assistance/support in this area, but definitely not me. I have been waiting for this baby for soooo long, and have gone through so much to have him... my bond with him was established from the moment I got a 'plus' on my home pregnancy kit. Holding him in my arms only made the bond even more unbreakable.

I may have difficulty falling pregnant and even more challenges staying pregnant, but I know for certain that aside from these 2 'roadblocks', I am born to be a mother! I just feel sad that in my quest towards motherhood, I had to lose Lucas, Chloe and little one. I still love and miss them terribly and wonder constantly how it'd have been like if they are with us today.

Right now I am relishing every minute I am awake cos I get to see my baby boy. Sleep used to be one of the top priorities of my life but now it's taken a backseat cos I have an incentive to be awake! I can't get enough of looking at Little Bun, touching him, sniffing his unique baby scent, kisisng his head/finges/toes... I am still amazed that he is here and he is mine. I find it hard to believe that Mark and I created this perfect little being.

Happy 8th Wedding Anniversary

2011-10-21T13:42:00.005+08:00

I was scheduled to have my C-section today and it also marks my 8th wedding anniversary. Since we were given 2 date choices, the 21st and 24th, I naturally opted for the former since this date is special to Mark and I. Unbeknownst to us, little bun had plans of his own, which is just as well. While we were contemplating the mode of delivery initially, we agreed that we'd schedule the C-section on the 21st, but if Little Bun decides to come before then, we'd go with natural delivery. My little boy decided for us and arrived on the 18th! Guess he wanted to do things naturally.

Now that I have gone through natural delivery for a full term baby, I have no regrets whatsoever. I guess the state of mind plays a very important role. When I delivered Chloe naturally, I felt that the physical pain was a lot worse although Chloe was a whole lot smaller than Little Bun since she is preterm (her birth weight was only a third of Little Bun's). I suppose it's because not only was I dealing with the physical pain then, I was also going through worse pain mentally and emotionally. With Little Bun, I knew that I'd have a baby in my arms at the end of all the pain, hence it'd all be worth it.

Before you were conceived, I wanted you dearly.

Before I laid eyes on you, I loved you madly.

Before you were born, I'd die for you gladly.

This is the miracle of a Mother's love.

********************************

Darling Hubby Mark,

Happy 8th Wedding Anniversary! No words can describe how blessed and happy I feel now that we can finally have a real celebration without tears. Ever since the day we lost Lucas, no special occasion had been the same. For the past 3.5years, we haven't had a true celebration for any of our birthdays, anniversaries, special occasions, Father's/ Mother's Day, etc.

Although we can't go out to have a nice dinner this year (and this is the first time I didn't even get you a card!!), I am sure you'll agree with me that we are having the best ever celebration at home with Little Bun. I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world!

I love you, Darling... Thank you for giving me the most precious gift of all, and for holding my hands and walking this very rough and rocky road towards parenthood. It is not without loss/es, sacrifices, pain and tears, but yes, we finally did it!

Loving You Always,

Wifey

Little Bun's Grand Entrance

2011-10-19T21:29:00.011+08:00

Right... so the stork came slightly earlier than expected! The tentative plan was to go for a C-section on 21 Oct, which is our 8th wedding anniversary. What a memorable way to mark the 2 occasions, right? Before we can confirm things with Dr Anu on what would have been my last appointment with her today, little bun decided to make a surprise appearance.

I was all dressed up to go for a nice dinner with Mark yesterday eveing and while waiting for him to pick me up after work, I felt a small gush of water leaking. It wasn't like the time with Chloe when the water was really streaming down... this time it was more like a small flow, hence I wasn't completely sure. This was followed by a contraction, nothing unbearable... I was still determined to go ahead with dinner plans. But when I felt a second gush of water after 5 minutes, I knew something wasn't right and once Mark reached home, we made our way to hospital.

I felt like a mini-celebrity when I arrived at the Delivery Suite because after my 3 week stay there, I knew most of the nurses (vice versa) and they were all so glad to see me. I later found out that they had all been tracking my progress and knew that I had reached full term. I was lucky cos the midwife who was assigned to take care of me is one of my 'favourites'!

Chronology of events:

17 Oct 2011

6.50pm - First leakage plus contraction. Pain scale: 2/10

7.00pm - Second leakage followed by regular and more intense contractions. Pain scale: 4/10

7.30pm - Arrived at Delivery Suite. Pain scale: 5/10

8.15pm - Confirmed that waterbag had ruptured and I was 4cm dilated. More intense and regular contractions. Pain scale: 6/10

Goofing around while waiting for my epidural...

8.30pm - Discussed with Dr Anu the 'plan of action'. Eventually decided to go ahead with natural delivery and if there's anything amiss, we will then fall back onto the original plan to have a C-section. Pain scale: 6/10

Pre-epidural

9.00pm - More pain... more contractions... Told Mark I had an urge to punch him and he stayed a good distance away from me afterwards. Pain scale: 7/10

Regular and intense contractions!!

9.15pm - Held onto Mark's neck for dear life while the epidural was being inserted.

9.30pm - Epidural is in! Pain scale: 1/10 (I actually asked the anesthetist if he could perhaps do me a tiny favour by overdosing me... Alas, he rejected my suggestion.)

10.00pm to 12.00am - Waiting... 5cm dilated. Progress suddenly slowed down.

18 Oct 2011

1.00am to 2.00am - Mark sneaked home for a quick shower while I tried to catch some shut-eye.

2.00am to 4.00am - Waiting... and more waiting... too excited to sleep! Can't wait to meet my little baby!! At the same time I was worried whether if I 'd be able to go through with natural labour and come out alive at the end of it.

4.00am - Intense pressure down below but still tolerable. Already fully dilated at 10cm. Pain scale: 3/10

4.15am to 4.30am - Midwife suggested that we would do a few practice pushes. Upon checking, she saw that baby was already crowning and we could see a little tuff of black hair (Yay!! Our baby is not bald!). Midwife insisted that Mark should take a picture and show it to me... let's just say we both were a bit ummm... grossed out. Plan for practice pushing abandoned and Dr Anu was notified. Pain scale: 5/10

5.00am - Dr Anu arrived and scrubbed up. I noticed she changed into boots... the yellow rubber ones that construction workers wear, just that hers were white. I did wonder for a split second why it was necessary.

5.10am - Dr Anu checked me over and the comfy bed that I was lying on was quickly transformed into a delivery bed with stirrups and all.

5.15am - First push!! Urge to punch Mark had returned. Pain scale: 6/10

5.30am - Third push (was in too much pain and pushing too hard to notice the time for the second push) and our little boy greets the world with a fiesty cry! (Ok, he sounded rather pissed off). He was immediately laid on my chest while the midwife cleaned him up briefly. I expected to see the face of a very proud daddy, but the look on Mark's face was one of shock more than anything!!

Dr Anu invited Mark to cut the umbilical cord and his look of shock was quickly replaced by one of terror! Proud that he did it anyway... Little bun was taken away to be weighed, measured and checked (while crying his tiny lungs out) while I was being stitched and cleaned up. Mark stuck very close to me and refused to budge. I quickly realized the reason... not that he was giving me emotional support or anything romantic like that. I peeked down at what Dr Anu was doing and immediately realized it was a mistake. Many things seem to be happening 'down below' and all I could see was BLOOD. I also saw the thread and thick hook needle that was in Dr Anu's hands. No prizes for guessing what it was being used for. **Gag**.

Confused and Upset Little Bun...

By then they had placed little bun back on my chest and I was distracted and enamoured by this new stranger who is my son to notice anything else in the room, including pain.. It's a pretty good strategy I think! Oh yes, and I also found out why those boots were necessary. Mark kindly reported to me that my blood was splattered all over the floor where Dr Anu was standing. **Double gag**.

My arms will never be empty again...

Dr Anu gave me a smile and told me that it's alright to cry, but to be honest, I didn't feel the urge although I thought I would. I mean I have been waiting for this day for a very long time. I guess the shock and realization that we have finally succeed in bringing a healthy baby into this world still hasn't really sunken in. I was holding onto this red, screaming, wriggly little life that's MY son and I couldn't believe he's mine, yes, ALL MINE... I looked down at my then deflated (and sadly saggy-looking) belly and found it so hard to believe he was in there for 37weeks, right until just a few minutes ago!!

Cheeky Bun!

Sleepy Bun

I was encouraged to breastfeed little bun once I was stitched and cleaned-up and the 3 of us spent our first moment together as family. My first words to little bun was "Where have you been all my life?".

1 Year Anniversary of being.. ummm... JOBLESS!!

2011-10-17T18:04:00.006+08:00

It had been exactly a year since I quit my job and this had been a year that had solely been dedicated to working on the 'project of my life'. Cliche, but how time flies. I don't regret leaving the job that I like and enjoy, although I do hope I will be able to go back to it one day. Kinda miss the interaction with people from all nationalities and walks of life, the deadlines, the job satisfaction, my ex-colleagues (ok only some, not all). The things that I do NOT miss are the early morning/late night conference calls and the travelling.

Oh yes, above all things, one of the things I miss the most is the financial independence of having regular pay!! Got to admit I wasn't paid too shabbily by my ex-company so I do worry if I'd ever be able to draw that kind of pay when I return to the rat race. I've got to make up for one year of 'controlled shopping' plus I'd have an extra little person to shop for! (Sidenote: baby stuff are SO expensive!!) There are soooooo many things that I'd love to buy for little bun, but since Mark and I have already spent a fortune on my medical expenses, I have to be prudent with our expenses and it's really 'needs versus wants' at the moment.

Unlock #2 - Finally Full Term!!

2011-10-16T15:07:00.006+08:00

This is the second of my 'Unlock' series of posts because I want to keep it hidden until after little bun arrives safely.

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I don't think I have ever revealed little bun's gestational age here (and to honest, I haven't revealed it to many people other than family). Little bun is full term today!! I want to shout it out to so that the world can hear me... Yes, I have reached full term, i.e. 37 weeks!! Didn't think I'd ever reach 'full term' and throughout the pregnancy, 'full term' are 2 scared words to me. It's unbelievable but true, my little bun is 37 weeks old and counting! Well done, my little baby... Daddy and Mummy are tremendously proud of you for staying 'in' there.

There is another fun fact about little bun which I thought I'd share here too. He/she was conceived on Valentine's Day, and I always find it meaningful because it is the day that honours and celebrates love. (I know this because I was being monitored so closely and scanned daily while undergoing the course of fertility treatment.) Maybe I can name him 'Valentino' if it's a boy and 'Valentina' if it's a girl. Ok that's just a cheeky thought... though I am absolutely certain Mark wouldn't agree anyway, plus I don't quite fancy long names.

2011-10-15T15:34:00.004+08:00

My weight gain so far is still a rather long way from what is stated in books/websites. According to the books/websites, the weight gain during pregnancy should range between 25 to 35 pounds (11 to 15 kg). At least I did manage to gain at least 1kg from my stint in hospital till now (around 5 weeks), which brings my total weight gain to a grand 6.4kg!! I think it's rather unlikely that I'd ever reach 11kg at all. LOL!!

From the weekly ultrasound scans, little bun is definitely growing and I can see/feel that my belly has certainly gotten bigger, so it's good to know that the extra weight has gone to little bun. Actually I think I still look pretty much the same as I did pre-pregnancy, only difference is that I have a rather cute and compact bump in front! At least it is one less worry that I am not eating enough and the thought that I won't have to struggle too hard to lose weight afterwards is comforting.

Names.. Names... Names.... (Part II)

2011-10-15T15:07:00.002+08:00

I have been bouncing off ideas at Mark for some possible names for little bun. Can't say we have anything concrete yet, not even a decent shortlist. Mark is very good at telling me what names he does NOT like, but stopped short of giving me names that he likes! It can get rather frustrating cos I can spend hours or even days scouring the internet for names that I fancy, but he dismisses them in 3 seconds. Grrrrrrrr.....

Initially I have put together my own preferred list of names while idling my time away in hospital. I had about 5 names for each gender but ended up deleting most after Mark vetoed them. Now we are back in square one..

To make it even more complicated, we also have to come up with a Chinese name for little bun. Let's just say that Chinese isn't my best subject and Mark is basically pretty hopeless with it too, so we are sort of depending on my dad for help in this department. It just seemed so much easier when I was coming up with our god-daughter, Rynnae's name (which I still love a lot and am mighty pleased with).

Unlock #1 - Let the the Countdown Begin

2011-10-14T18:24:00.008+08:00

This is the first of my 'Unlock' series of posts because I want to keep it hidden until after little bun arrives safely.

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Other than being Chloe's 2nd Birthday, today is also exactly 1 week from when I am tentatively booked for my scheduled C-section. Yup, we have booked the C-section on next Friday, 21 Oct. Dr Anu proposed 3 dates - 21st, 24th and 25th. However while going through the availabilty of the Operating Theatres, both 24th and 25th appeared are rather full. Dr Anu said that if we prefer 24th or 25th, she'd be happy to beg one of her colleagues to swap/change their slots, but Mark didn't want to impose on her and frankly, we do not have any preferred dates in mind. Hence, the 21st it is!

Coincidentally, 21st Oct is also an extremely special day for Mark and I. It marks the day I officially became 'Mrs Lee'.. Yup, 21st Oct is our 8th Wedding Anniversary!!

Naturally things can change anytime because little bun may decided to take things in his/her own hands and decide to come early. Whatever it is, I will be grateful as long as my baby is healthy and normal.

2011-10-14T13:39:00.006+08:00

I was doing some 'housekeeping' on my phone and came across some 'souvenir' pictures from my 3 week stay in hospital...

This is one of the machines which I was strapped to 24/7. It was used to monitor my eart beats per minute (BPM). A normal adult's BPM is around 80-90 but mine was 124 at that time due to the medication (Salbutamol) that I was on to control my contractions. The other number on the monitor is my oxygen saturation level (99%).

This 'plug' was where the Sambutamol was 'fed' into my body. The location of the plug had to be changed every 3 days and the Medical Officer who inserted it for me didn't do a very good job cos other than causing me a lot of pain, my blood spilled over onto the blanket and bedsheet!! I wasn't amused AT ALL cos she literally caused a bloody mess.

Yet another location of the plug.

CTG or Cardiotocography... Another machine that I was strapped to during the entire hospital stay. It was used to monitor little bun's heart rate as well as the frequency, duration and intensity of my contractions. Mark is now a self-taught expert in reading the 2 charts, the one above is little bun's heart rate and the one below tracks my contractions. The little peaks indicate when I am having contractions and the higher those peaks are, the more intense are the contractions.

Happy 2nd Birthday to my Princess

2011-10-14T10:52:00.006+08:00

My Dearest Chloe,

If you are still here with us, you would/should have turned 2 years old today. Happy 2nd Birthday to you, my precious darling.

On this very special day, we hope that you receive all the love and wishes that we are sending your way. Wherever you may be now, Daddy and Mummy hope that you are happy and enjoying what every 2 year old loves doing. Our only regret is that we are not there to celebrate this day with you; to spoil you with presents; to hold you tightly in our arms; and to smother you with all our kisses. Please know that although we are not there with you, there's never a moment when you are not in our hearts and minds.

Happy Birthday Darling Girl... We love and miss you so very much!!

Birthday Hugs & Kisses,

Daddy & Mummy

Big Decisions...

2011-10-12T15:16:00.003+08:00

I made Mark accompany me for my appointment with Dr Anu this morning because there are a number of important decisions that need to be made and we also attended a briefing on the different types of birthing packages that are available (mainly the category of wards and cost of each type). I guess I am more comfortable in making the little day to day decision but when it comes to something big and important, I actually depend a lot on Mark!

The biggest decision is still whether to deliver naturally or to opt for C-section (I am still undecided). This is then followed by if we opt for C-section, should we go for GA (i.e. total knock out) or epidural (i.e. only the lower half of my body will be numbed and I will remain conscious throughout the delivery). If I opt for GA, then Mark will not be able to accompany me and witness the birth of little bun, and if I opt for epidural, then he'd be able to accompany me and witness little bun's entry into the world.

As Dr Anu said, these are good 'problems' to have. We still have another week to ponder over it.

Today's scan also revealed that the level of my water level (aka Aminiotic Fluid Index) had further increased during the past week... it went from 11.5 to 16. That's rather interesting because the AFI is suppose to go down as the pregnancy progresses towards full term. But then considering how things have been throughout the course of this pregnancy, I guess I shouldn't be surprised since this is anything but a 'normal' pregnancy. Overall little bun is in good shape and everything is on track.

(The other piece of good news is Dr Anu said that I can now regain more of my mobility.. i.e. walk more and even go out!!! Not that there's anywhere that I want to go now that I can feel a lot more of the pressure of little bun's weight on my lower torso, but it'd be really nice if I can pick out some of little bun's stuff myself.. Oh yes, and I just read from some checklist that I need a nursing bra. It's not something that I can despatch Mark to buy on my behalf, I think!!)

2011-10-09T20:01:00.003+08:00

I have been diligently counting and charting little bun's movements daily per Dr Anu's instructions (although she did not tell me why she wanted me to do this, I know the reason for it). On some days (like today) little bun is extremely active. My poor ribs are at little bun's mercy when he/she is trying out sommersaults in what little room there is left inside my belly. I wonder if it's because Mark is at home and little bun can hear daddy's voice (yes, apparently they can hear at this stage, if it's loud enough of course). However, on other days, it takes some prodding from me to garner a little punch or kick of protest from the little one. Those are nerve-wrecking moments while I wait for a response.

Little bun has been an extremely good baby and Mark and I couldn't be more pleased or proud (yes, we are already proud of our unborn child, if that's even possible)... During the 2 plus weeks while I was in hospital, Mark would 'talk' to little bun every single night (during those times, I'd worry that a doctor or nurse would decide to pop into my room and then catch Mark kneeling beside my bed talking to my exposed belly!!). Much of the (one-sided) conversation revolved around Mark telling little bun to "hang in there" and to "wait a little longer". Little bun seemed to have been listening to what daddy had been telling him/her!! I reminded Mark today that he'd better remember to let little bun know when it is time to 'un-wait'!!!

2011-10-05T18:45:00.004+08:00

Finally had my first appointment with Dr Anu after she returned from her month long medical leave/quarantine. It was so good to see her, although the doctor who took care of me in her absence (he's a Professor in fact) was very good and experienced too. Dr Anu was really pleased that little bun held on until now and said she couldn't ask for anything more.

The scan today revealed that my water level (aka Amiotic Fluid Index) is at a healthy 11.5. They were not able to measure my cervical length any longer cos little bun is in the cephalic (aka 'heads down') position and his/her head is pressing down on my cervix. Anyway I don't think they are really bothered about my cervical length any longer... Now the important thing is to ensure that little bun is thriving well.

We also had a very lengthy discussion on the delivery date and mode. I am still undecided between going for natural birth or a C-section. Obviously I am terrified of getting cut open, but for C-section, the risk lies more on the mother than baby whereas for natural birth, there's more risk for the baby. I was also very surprised to learn that for C-sections, they use GA (cos from what I have been watching on television, they only use LA, but of course that is in America). I had always envisioned that I'd be awake/conscious to witness the birth of little bun and welcome my precious one into the world. Gee... now I am lost and confused, and we have 1 week to decide on what we want to do before seeing Dr Anu next week.

Shopping Time...

2011-10-04T13:00:00.003+08:00

Mark and I have finally broken the 'protocol' and started buying some basic items for little bun. To be honest, it is done with more trepidition than excitement. I just hope we didn't jinx anything. So far we've gotten little bun's cot bed (never realized there was a difference between a 'cot' and a 'cot bed' until now, and didn't realize a cot bed plus mattress cost as much as an adult super single bed!!), bedding set, a super cute bath towel/wrap, swaddle wraps (never knew something like this existed), diaper mat, and a whole bunch of other necessities.

While I was in hospital, my sis had bought quite a lot of clothings, mittens and booties, towels, little hankies for little bun cos we all thought little bun was going to arrive anytime then. I think my sis invested a small fortune in all the stuff for little bun, and her shopping spree is still going strong. My mom also handmade something like a set of 4 baby pillows, a bolster and bedsheet... the last I heard, she's planning on making even more. My dad will be tasked with coming up with little bun's Chinese name (Mark and I are still getting nowhere with little bun's English name..not even a shortlist).

Little bun is going to be one very lucky and well-loved baby... everyone in the family is excitedly looking forward to the arrival of the newest addition. Actually Mark and I are still cautiously wary about being overly happy or excited. 'Once bitten, twice shy' I suppose. So what is 'Twice bitten, .......' ??! I don't think it's sunk into either of us that if things go well, we will be bringing a baby home fairly soon. Oh and I think one of us (most likely Mark) should have 'the talk' with Hershey soon too. She's going to be a 'big sister' and needs to curb some of her 'madness'. Hope she won't have too much difficulty in accepting little bun.

Home Sweet Home

2011-09-30T16:38:00.004+08:00

The doctors decided to discharge me and I am now back at home after close to 3 weeks in the hospital! It feels awesome to be back at home and sleeping on my bed (and having my bathroom privileges reinstated). It's a miracle that my contractions disappeared as suddenly as they started, but hey, I am not complaining! Still continuing with my bed rest although I am now allowed to walk around a bit (they are worried about my Thrombophilia giving me blood clots) to get my blood circulating.

Mark and I are beyond grateful that little bun had decided to stay put for a little while longer, and the doctors are equally happy that I have held on till now. I don't think anyone expected this... It was unspoken, but I know all of us thought that little bun would arrive as soon as I was taken off Salbutamol and after the cervival stitch was removed. Little bun is in a much better position now than 3 weeks ago when my contractions first started. He/she is definitely still preterm, but the lungs should have matured enough over the last 3 weeks.

Right now all there is left to do is to wait until little bun decides to make his/her grand entrance. I am hoping that it won't happen for another 2 weeks, but then should it happen anytime before that, I won't be complaining cos we have already been so lucky as it is to make it thus far.

I am certain 'someone' was definitely watching over little bun and I during the past 3 weeks and I am grateful beyond words. Thank you.

To everyone who had been emailing me and/or sending me SMSes with words of support and encouragement, I thank you from the bottom of my heart too. When things were looking bleak and so very scary, your words really mean so much. I have started talking to little bun every night ever since the hospital stay and I never fail to let him/her know how many people love and care about us. During one long and lonely night in hospital, I asked my guardian angel for a sign that he/she is indeed watching over us... I guess I should have known that I am surrounded by guardian angels in the form my friends. Thank you.

Day 19

2011-09-28T08:55:00.005+08:00

So what are the odds of something like this happening? I've been doing well enough to be sent off to the normal ward (was previously holed up in the delivery suite for the past 2 weeks in case I really go into full-blown labour). Anyway, the bed that they sent me to is that EXACT SAME one that I was put in 2.5 years ago when I had Chloe!! It's a huge ward with many beds, but as fate would have it, I've been assigned the very same one. It certainly did bring back a lot of sad memories. Lying at the same spot looking up at the same ceiling with another baby inside my womb certainly did feel strange.

The doctor just came by on his round and told me he's very happy with my progress and that little bun seems to have changed his/her mind about arriving anytime soon. It appears that all our prayers and little chats that Mark and I had been having with little bun is working. Actually Mark's 'conversation' with little bun only comprises of one word - 'Wait'. Hope that little bun continues to be a good baby and waits a little bit longer before greeting the world.

Today is already my 19th day in hospital... 19 blessed days. So far my bill has reached around S$15k. Very scary, I know, but Mark and I promised little bun when we first found out I was pregnant that we will do everything within our means to protect him/her.

2011-09-27T19:56:00.004+08:00

The cervical suture was removed yesterday morning and the removal process was not only painful (done without any anesthetic) and uncomfortable but extremely awkward as well. Basically my legs were propped up and raised in a very unglamourous and undignified position while the doctor removed the 2 stitches. Oh, I forgot to add that at least 6 pairs of eyes were watching the whole procedure which lasted around 15 minutes. The doctor was very impressed that I didn't use the gas they provided to alleviate the pain... I wanted to tell him it's because I was torn between pain and embarrassment. Still can't decide which is worse. Anyway, I'm glad it's all behind me now and I'm still grateful that those little 2 stitches helped to keep little bun in me till now.

As expected, the removal of the stitches led to some bleeding and even more contractions. They've also taken me off Salbutamol once the stitches were removed... From then on it's 'come what may' and they are all prepared should little bun decide to make his/her grand entrance. I'm pleased and very relieved that the contractions gradually subsided and eventually faded away totally!! It's a real miracle! I've finally been allowed bathroom privileges today and took my first hot shower in more than 2 weeks!!

From here on, we are just playing the waiting game. Of course every extra day is an added bonus and I'm still fighting tooth and nail to keep little bun inside me for as long as I can. I had another scan done this afternoon and little bun's weight is now around 2.2kg. I'm hoping that we'll make it till little bun weighs at least 2.5kg or more. Till then, I reckon they will continue to keep me in hospital and monitor me closely. As I have encountered before, the contractions can just hit without any warning so we are not taking any chances.

Hang in there, little bun. Daddy and Mummy are eager to meet you but we'd rather wait a few more weeks till you are stronger.

'Second Week Anniversary'

2011-09-24T14:40:00.007+08:00

It's Saturday again.. I've lost count of the days cos each day is no different from the last. I actually thought that yesterday was Thursday and Mark had to correct me. Mark and I are so grateful that we've managed to buy more time for little bun and so far, he/she has been very cooperative in what I'd like to think of as our first joint 'project' as a family.

The nurses at the ward are incredibly encouraging and supportive. Their 'niceness' have made this long stay in bed somewhat more bearable. Some of them will even pop in just to say 'hi' when they begin their shift even if they may not be assigned to take care of me. I've made a mental note to get them something (possibly a cake or cookies) when things have settled down. Oh and the nurses at the clinic where I got my IVIG infusions found out about my hospitalization and came to visit me too! They even bought me a cute teddy to cheer me up. On top of it, I also got a surprise visit from my hematologist (the one who takes care of my Thrombophilia and ensures my bloodwork is normal). I'm so touched by their little gesture... Normally this ward doesn't allow visitors other than the patient's husband but since they are staff here, I guess they have certain privileges!

I hope little bun knows SO many people care and are rooting for him/her. The big day could very well be next week once the cerclage is removed. The mixed feelings of excitement to finally meet the little person who has been growing inside me and who have been the sole purpose of my life for the past 8 months is heavily laced with worry for his/her health. As it is, I am already head over heels in love with this little person whom I've never met, and it makes me wonder how I can possibly find even more love in me to shower on little bun when we finally meet.

Ohh and for the record, Mark and I still haven't thought of possible names for little bun. No cot, no clothes, no stroller, no mittens and booties, no milk bottles, no name... Basically we still haven't prepared a single item for little bun. Hope this doesn't make us bad parents!! Poor baby, but Mark and I swore that we will make it up to him/her later on.

Day 12

2011-09-21T08:49:00.004+08:00

This is my 12th day in hospital and I still haven't left the bed that I first laid on 12 days ago! So far those 'close shave' episodes seem to be getting more frequent. We've also noticed a trend in the contractions, they tend to worsen just before meal times and would last from a span of between 1 to 3 hours afterwards. I've resorted to taking my meals while lying reclined.. it certainly isn't the most comfortable position to eat your food (plus I'd end up dropping food all over myself) but I'd pick anything over contraction pains.

The plan now is to drag on until next week and my cervical stitch will be removed in preparation for when actual labour happens. Now the 2 things that are holding little bun in place are the stitch and salbutamol (not forgetting a very large dose of faith). I'd be happy to keep the stitch for another week or so, but the doctor is concerned that the contractions will cause my cervix to rupture and I was told that should that happen, I will have massive blood loss and permanent irreparable damage to my cervix. I have a feeling that once they take the stitch is out, labour will be imminent.

Dr Anu is still on medical leave (found out she caught pneumonia from a patient) but we have been exchanging text messages very frequently. Although she isn't feeling well, she's been keeping herself updated on my case and communicating with the nurses here as well as the doctor who is taking care of me in her absence. I've also been keeping her updated on my end and she's been so encouraging. Seems like she should be back to work next week and this is a news that I welcome! I'd really like for her to be the one to help me deliver little bun since she's been there right from the start. It just feels right for her to cross the 'finish line' with us.

Mark and I are immensely grateful for every extra day little bun stays 'in'. It's without doubt that little bun will arrive earlier than expected, but I just hope he/she will not have any health concerns and wouldn't need too long a stay in NICU.

Keeping the faith...

'One Week Anniversary'

2011-09-18T19:11:00.006+08:00

Yesterday marked my 'One Week Anniversary' in hospital. Mark and I allowed ourselves a tiny bit of satisfaction that we've made it through one more crucial week. For the record, I have been lying in this same bed for over a week and this is the longest time my feet haven't touched solid ground! What do I miss the most? The bathroom. Plus a long, hot shower and a good hairwash.

This past week hasn't been without a few close shaves when my contractions were consistent and intensified. At the peak, I think I had 1 contraction every 2-3 minutes!! I have been on this drug 'Salbutamol' for 1 week and 1 day now... I'm so dependent it to control my contractions that I wouldn't know what I'd do without it. I've joked to the nurses that it is my new 'best friend'. Hoping that my body won't become 'immune' to it cos the dosage seems to be getting higher.. Totally opposite of what the doctors had initially hoped to achieve i.e. to take off the drug or at least keep it low.

Mark and I are uber thankful that little bun still seems to be thriving and seemingly unaffected by what is happening 'outside'. The heartbeat is strong and I've been feeling a lot of movements from my precious bub. Some of these movements made me giggle cos it feels ticklish while others made me grimace in pain (like when little bun's legs are resting/kicking on my left rib cage.. This happens rather frequently!!). Whatever the case is, I'm happy that he/she is thriving. I'd rather little bun stays 'in' and continues to grow and put on weight inside my womb and let mummy go through all the physical pain than for him/her to be born and then have to be hooked up to tubes and monitors.

This morning the nurse was chatting with me and told me that another lady in the ward just delivered a 24week old baby during the wee hours. The parents opted to resuscitate the baby, who is now in NICU, but the condition is bleak. It's so heartbreaking and I feel for the parents and their little baby. It reminds me so much of my sweet Chloe, whom I lost also at 24weeks. Can't help but ask myself WHY do such things happen?!! No parent deserves to go through the pain of losing their child, regardless of the child's age!!

Day 04

2011-09-13T16:19:00.008+08:00

Last evening was very 'eventful' and we had a close shave. Contractions got pretty bad in the evening and progressively worsened. The dosage of the medicine that they gave me to control the contractions was increased steadily from 2ml in the late afternoon to 15ml (maximum dose) by midnight. I've been on that drug for 4 whole days now and it's a matter of time before the doctors decided to stop it since it is not good for me to be on it for too long. Side effects are heart palpitations and shivering. Since Saturday, my heartbeats per minute averages between 110-120. I'm thankful that my heart hasn't given up on me like how the rest of my organs have. It's still bearing the onslaught of drugs that's been pumped steadily into my body rather well.

The good thing to note is that this drug only affects the mother and not the baby, so in a way, we've so far given little bun another 4 precious days in my womb. If the doctors don't call halt, I'd be more than happy to continue on with it for as long as I possibly can to give little bun more time inside me.

Right now there's quite a lot to pray for: For my heart not to 'give up' on me; For my cervix to stay closed and unaffected by the contractions; For the contractions to taper down and disappear totally; For little bun to hang on inside the cosy warmth of my womb for yet a little while longer...

*** Dear God, please don't give up on me just yet... ***

Mid-Autumn Festival 2011

2011-09-12T10:47:00.011+08:00

I have been in hospital since Saturday morning due to preterm contractions. They are not the serious full-blown kind of contractions but nevertheless a cause for concern obviously as it could lead to preterm labour and dilating of my cervix, which CANNOT happen at this stage!! It's still too early for liitle bun to greet the world!!! Despite being given drugs round the clock to calm my uterus down (which also gave me servere heat palpitations), it seems like the contractions return once the dosage is reduced. Hence I've been under close observation for the past 2 days ever since I've been admitted.

This is not the way I'd envisioned spending Mid-Autumn Festival... I'd initially prepared some lanterns which I planned to light up tonight to hang at my balcony, one for each of my Angels, similar to what I'd done last year. So much for my plans. It does appear that I will have to remain in hospital for a while longer. Mark actually prefers that if possible, I should stay here for another 2 weeks so that there are professionals to look after little bun and I. I'm giving this option serious thought because much as I don't like to stay in the hospital, this seem to be the best option for now.

From now on, I'm happy for every additional day that passes uneventfully. If little bun can stay put for another fortnight or more, it'd certainly make a big difference in his/her health at birth, and this is exactly what the doctors and us are trying to achieve.

Prayers and good thoughts will be appreciated.

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HAPPY MID-AUTUMN FESTIVAL to my darling Angels... Daddy & Mummy loves you.

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2011-09-09T15:42:00.003+08:00

During my last ultrasound scan, the sonographer pointed out to me little bun's exact position in my tummy. I was very surprised when she told me that little bun's legs are folded right under my left ribcage... I didn't expect little bun to be quite so big/long. No wonder I keep getting feelings of indigestion and heartburn. His/her back is nestled on the right side of my tummy while the head is down (cephalic) and resting right above my cervix.

Several times when I am lying flat on my back with both palms on my tummy, I can feel a little elbow (or was it a knee??) pushing back against my palms. My tummy also contorts to odd shapes depending on little bun's movements. It's a joy to watch. Sometimes little bun will give a mighty kick and I can feel air being knocked out of my lungs. It's a very strange feeling and I savour every moment and every movement.

Unfortunately Mark is still extremely wary and squirmish about touching my tummy.. he's very worried about injuring little bun (??) and refuses to place any pressure at all on my tummy. I tried in vain to convince him otherwise but he just won't believe me. I think little bun is a cheeky one cos there had been a couple of times where he/she would give a kick just when Mark placed his hands on my tummy. Mark's reaction will be to draw his hands away as if he'd been scalded and then he'd jump back 10 feet. Heeheehee...

Egg-splosion

2011-09-08T18:35:00.003+08:00

Woke up early so decided to boil some hard boiled eggs for Hershey's breakfast and for myself for my caesar salad lunch. I left the 3 eggs in the pot to boil while I ate my breakfast in the bedroom... Somehow, while watching the Martha Stewart show, I dozed off and totally forgot about the pot of eggs that were merrily cooking away. The pot of water dried out and then one thing led to another.

The next thing I knew was a deafening bang that roused me from my slumber. I still had no idea what it was until I went into the kitchen and saw the mess. There were eggs and shells EVERYWHERE. On the ceiling... on the floor.. between the louvers of my kitchen blinds... all over my stove and cooker hood... on the sides of my fridge.. you name it, egg is there. The smell was horrid too.. Yucks!!

I stood at the entrance of the kitchen with Hershey and stared at the mess for a good 10 seconds before cursing myself under my breath. Couldn't believe just how dumb and careless I was. Good thing Hershey was with me in the rooom and not in the kitchen at that time. My poor girl was already so spooked by the loud 'bang' she refused to go into the kitchen for a long time.

Part of the ceiling that's been 'decorated' with eggs.

Tried cleaning up the mess on my own but raised the white flag after 45min... I called my mom and sheepishly told her what happened. She came over immediately (I think she's worried that I'd attempt to climb up the ladder to clean the ceiling myself). For the record, the cleaning up process took over 5 hours. Until now, I can still find bits and pieces of those darn egg shells all over.

2011-09-06T20:10:00.004+08:00

Gosh.. I am totally perplexed. When I last did my scan on the level of amniotic fluid (otherwise also referred to as AFI - Amniotic Fluid Index) on 26 Aug, my AFI was 16, which is in the normal range. When the same scan was done today, my AFI was only 8. For most of the duration of the pregnancy, Dr Anu and I have been worrying about me having too much amniotic fluid i.e. polyhydramnios but now it seems like I have to worry about oligohydramnios instead. I am at a loss and totally baffled by my body... super worried to say the least. If the level continues to dip, an induced early labour is in the horizon.

Having too much or too little amniotic fluid is not a good thing for little bun. The acceptable range is between 5-25, and clearly, I am bordering the lower end. I have been sent home with the advice to drink lots of water and to continue with my bedrest. I have also been told to monitor little bun's movements... ideally I should be recording at least 4 movements in the span of 3 hours. To be honest, because of my own paranoia, I have already been monitoring little bun's movements for the past few weeks. I try to take note of a movement periodically throughout the day, and if I feel that little bun has been too quiet, I'd proke and prod my tummy until I get some sort of a response. My poor baby... his/her sleep is regularly disrupted by this mean mom.

Due to my low AFI, they also decided to do an unscheduled growth scan for little bun to ensure that he/she is growing (cos a low AFI could be an indication that the baby is not growing or that there is a problem with the placenta function). I was so happy to learn that little bun now weighs around 1.7kg (during the last scan at 28 weeks, little bun's weight was 1.2kg). His/her size is right in the middle of the desired growth range. During the scan, we saw little bun's right hand gently curled up and resting on his/her face. It was a wonderful moment when I saw the chubby little fingers in 3D...

Trying hard to keep the faith going... it's wearisome riding this rollercoaster of emotions week after week, and having one thing after another to worry about. Stay safe, my little baby.

2011-09-05T19:09:00.002+08:00

A friend who is an obstetrician/gynaecologist in Melbourne sent me an email over the weekend asking me the 2 all important questions - #1) When do I intend to deliver and #2) Have I/we thought of the mode of delivery?

Well, I don't think I have a choice in #1 cos it really is in the hands of God. But assuming if litle bun and I can make it 'all the way', then my target is anything between 36 to 38 weeks. As for #2, Mark and I have casually discussed this recently but haven't really come to any conclusion although I am leaning more towards a caesarean section, simply because it is safer for little bun. My friend actually shared with me his point of view.. IF he was a woman with my kind of medical record and history, he'd definitely opt for a caesarean section as it is the safest mode of delivery for the baby. Rather glad that he seconds my preference...

Psychologically, I am rather afraid and apprehensive about going through a natural labour again because the last 2 didn't leave me with happy memories. I think I have sub-consciously placed some sort of a 'mental block' there and I try to avoid thinking about it... It is not something that I'd ever forget in my lifetime, but just that I prefer to keep locked away in my mind and my heart. Now when I look back, I recall clearly that what was going through my mind in the midst of the excruciating pain (especially in Chloe's case) was that my babies weren't going to come home with me... Plus I was very close to punching Mark in the face because he kept shoving the darn oxygen mask in my face!! In most cases, parents cry tears of joy at the birth of their newborns, but Mark and I shed tears of pain and sorrow. Certainly one of, if not the most, painful moments of my life and certainly not something that I want to go through or be reminded of ever again.

I'll be seeing Dr Anu's replacement tomorrow (oh, I miss my Dr Anu already!!) and perhaps it is something I can discuss with him... might be a bit too early though.. maybe I should wait till early October.

See you tomorrow, little bun!

Part 2

2011-09-02T19:38:00.003+08:00

Sent Dr Anu a text message to wish her well (since I didn't know what her ailment was). She responded almost immediately that she is fine but had to be quarantined (??) because of contact with a patient (whom I presume had a infectious disease). Happy to hear that she is alright and that the quarantine is just a precautionary measure. If all goes well, she should be back in action in about 3 weeks.

I hope that things continue to progress as they should for the next few weeks and little bun will be a good baby and stays put inside at least until Dr Anu is back. Feeling rather lost and helpless without her (oh boy am I needy!!). Geez... 3 weeks is a long time.

Part 1

2011-09-02T16:17:00.003+08:00

Just received a call from Dr Anu's nurse and I am hyperventilating BIG TIME!! The nurse informed me that Dr Anu will be on medical leave for at least 3 to 4 weeks (I didn't want to probe any further). AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! What are little bun and I going to do without our 'security blanket'??!! What am I going to do without her???! Oh dear, oh dear...

During her absence, I will be transferred to the care of another doctor (he's a Professor actually) and is also Dr Anu's 'senior'. I guess he is very experienced, possibly even more experienced than Dr Anu, and I have had some brief contact with him previously. Seems like a very knowledgeable guy... but but but... he is NOT Dr Anu!! **boo hoo**

I am feeling breathless and light-headed... need to lie down. Will send Dr Anu a text message later on to wish her well.

... Finally satisfied...

2011-09-01T18:29:00.003+08:00

Have I mentioned before that my sister is the best? She bought me my durian mooncake and I finally got my craving satisfied last night with a yummy little morsel of the durian mooncake (never mind the fact that I had to share it with Hershey). It was soooo darn good... each tiny nibble was like a piece of heaven, perhaps even yummier. Yes, according to my version of 'Heaven', it is not only the place where my Angels are waiting for me, but also a place filled with the expensive, high grade good-quality durians, and by that, I mean only 'Mao Shan Wang' which is otherwise nicknamed as the 'King of Durians'.

I 'inherited' my love for durians from my parents, who are avid durian-lovers. Strangely, my sister is the only one in the family who doesn't like durians (even both the dogs are crazy about durians). Basically my sis cannot tolerate its pungent smell. According to my mom, she had crazy cravings for durians when she was expecting my sister and indulged in a lot of it. Perhaps my sis had an 'overdose' of durians while she was still in mom's womb, hence turning her off this yummy fruit thereafter.

Each box originally comes with 2 pieces of the mooncake, but to prevent me from over-indulging (durians are very high in carbohydrates), my mom only brought one over to my place. It is better than nothing... me ain't complaining.

2011-08-29T20:15:00.004+08:00

I am having a serious case of craving for Goodwood Park Hotel's durian snowskin mooncake. It had been on my mind for many days, and the I have been thinking about it so much so that I think it's making me cranky. I don't remember having any other cravings throughout this pregnancy with the exception of this. Since Mid-Autumn Festival is a fortnight away, it's very hard to keep it out of my mind because I see advertisements for mooncakes everywhere (since I am home-bound, my definition of 'everywhere' is limited to the television, magazines and newspapers).

I am sure it is sugar laden and will do 'wonders' to by glucose level, but I am sure a teeny-weeny biece wouldn't hurt, right? I have tried convincing Mark that it is little bun who wants a taste of it and not me... sad to say, he's not buying it. Any kind soul wants to buy and send it to me? Pretty please?

2011-08-28T12:06:00.002+08:00

Yesterday would have been my very first time voting for the President of Singapore (the 7th President in the history of SIngapore), but as chance would have it, I wasn't granted the permission to go by my 'big boss', aka Mark, who insisted that I should not be 'running around' unnecessarily. Dr Anu wrote me a letter plus gave me a medical certificate so that I can be exempted from voting (and not have to pay the reinstatement fee later on).

It's just as well that I didn't have to cast my vote cos I am torn on whom I should vote for out of the 4 candidates. Ok, actually I only have 2 of them on my shortlist, i.e. the 'first runner-up' and the one who eventually won (in order of preference). This is the only year that two national elections were held in one same year.. rather interesting. Although the candidate that I favour didn't win, the die is cast and the 'best man' in the eyes of most Singaporeans will be the next elected President of my tiny motherland.

2011-08-27T17:19:00.003+08:00

All 3 of my check-ups on Friday went swimmingly well. Dr Anu said there's very little we can do now except to continue to pray hard and hope that little bun stays put for as long as he/she can inside my tummy. It is already a huge blessing that we have now passed the crucial 'safety period'... Our aim now is to pray that little bun is born as close to 38 weeks of gestation as possible so as to ensure that little bun will not have any of the health complications of a premature baby. These complications increase the earlier the baby is born, hence little bun really needs to stay 'in' for as long as possible. At this stage on the medical front, we have already done all possible and the rest now lay in the hands of God.

I am trying to do all I can to prolong the pregnancy for as possible by taking all my medication and injections without fail... and also by putting my legs up and lying in bed as much as possible. If I haven't calculated wrongly, I have been on bedrest for 5 coming to 6 weeks already.

Mark still warns me not to place my hopes too high and to continue to keep the faith. It's rather sad cos unlike most soon-to-be parents who would by now have decorated the nursery and bought heaps of new clothings and toys for their new arrival, Mark and I have not bought one single item for little bun. Not a bootie, not a toy. However, I am sure we will make it up to him/her when he/she is born.

2011-08-26T10:24:00.002+08:00

It's going to be a long day today as I have 3 back-to-back medical appointments starting from 1.30pm till 5pm. One with the haematologist, one for the weekly scan and then of course the most important one which is my date with little bun and Dr Anu. If all goes well, this should be my final appointment with the haematologist. I hope she sticks by her decision during my last appointment with her in July that I won't be needing anymore IVIG. In total, we have spent a staggering S$14,000 on IVIG alone.

My mom will be accompanying me later, as she did for the previous 2 visits. While I am grateful for her company, her presence makes me nervous and more stressed out I already am. Cannot quite figure out why, but that's the way it is...

2011-08-23T15:28:00.004+08:00

A friend from the US whom I got to know through dog-blogging shared a link on infertility with me and I totally love the article cos I could identify with it. The writer took the words right out of my mouth... each and every single word. Only a person who has walked down that path will understand and truly know how it feels to walk in the long and rather lonely road of infertility.

It is also not easy on the friends of couples who are undergoing fertility treatments and to really comprehend what that couple is going through... It takes a lot of effort, it takes time, it takes empathy, it takes a non-judgemental mind, it takes love and above all, it tests the foundations of the friendship and pushes it to its limits. However, sometimes all that is needed is simply a listening ear and occasional words of support and ecouragement.

This friend of mine whom I have known for a few years, is my age and also has PCOS. She and her hubby had been trying to conceive for a number of years, but to no avail. She took fertility drugs (Clomid, etc) for quite a while, but sadly, she hasn't managed to fall pregnant despite suffering through all the unwanted side effects (hot flushes, headaches, weight gain, etc). Until recently, she'd all but given up and decided to take a break because she's had enough of the emotional rollercoaster rides that she had to undergo monthly.

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Infertility Etiquette (read full article here)

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle.

The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. (Ohhhh yes.. month after month, you tell yourself "this could be THE month" but then when your period comes, your world comes crashing down over and over again.) Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal (with a healthy dose of salt sprinkled over the wound, no less).

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes (correction... not 'depletes' but 'empties'). The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
•They will eventually conceive a baby.
•They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
•They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility. (I lost count of the number of people who told me to 'relax' too. I'd merely smile and nod, although deep inside I feel like yelling at them to shut the f*ck up cos I know very well that my problem is a medical condition, and not because I am not 'relaxing'.)
Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy. (Mark and I have many friends who got married later than us but already have a kid/s. When I see them with their kid/s, do you know how it makes me feel?? It makes me feel like a failure of a woman/wife. It makes me feel like a complete failure in life. I feel utter disappointment in myself.) Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. (That's the reason why I spared myself the agony by avoiding all baby showers for the past 3 years.) Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") (Adoption is certainly something that Mark and I have discussed more than once, but is something that we both agreed that we'd revisit only if we have totally run out of options. Kinda like a last resort. I have nothing against adoption, other than the cost, and I know I will be able to love the child as if it was my own. However, I really want to be able to say that I have exhausted all means in trying to have a baby with mommy's nose and daddy's eyes before we go down the path of adoption.)

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Braxton Hicks who??!

2011-08-23T13:58:00.002+08:00

Finally that weird tightening of my belly has a name and reason... I was begining to get worried because I notice that this 'tightening' is becoming more noticeable and frequent. Just last night itself, it happened more than a dozen times over a period of 3 hours, though the duration of each 'tightening' lasted less than a minute. There's no pain involved, just a strange feeling that your belly has turned into stone.

I verified with the doctor this morning and was advised that this is the famed Braxton Hicks contractions (also known as 'practice contractions) that I have read about. Braxton Hicks are:

Irregular in intensity
Infrequent
Unpredictable
Non-rhythmic
More uncomfortable than painful
They do not increase in intensity, or frequency
They taper off and then disappear altogether

I think I can put a 'check' in all the above points, so it puts me at ease that what I have experienced is normal. So far, I only experienced it a handful of times today.

2011-08-22T11:19:00.002+08:00

A long-time friend contacted me last week with a job recommendation for the position that he is currently holding as he will be leaving to join another company. It is a v.e.r.y attractive opportunity for the kind of job that I have always wanted. The position is 'Regional Travel Manager' at an MNC and from what he shared with me, the pay package, perks and career prospects are good. Moreover, it'd be a good stepping stone for me in the industry. Most importantly, it is where my forte and interest lies.. the other 'perk' is that I'd be a 'client' instead of a 'supplier', which is what I have been for the past 10 years in the corporate travel industry.

I am flattered that my friend thought of me and that he felt I am competent enough to take over his portfolio from him. They needed someone to start soon as the handover process requires time. Unfortunately, I had no choice but to turn him down citing that the timing was off. He responded by saying that he respects my decision, but thought that it is a huge pity for me to turn it down as he felt that it'd be something that I'd really enjoy and excel.

Obviously I did feel that it was a huge pity that I had to turn such an attractive offer down, especially since it is something that I have always aimed for. But then without having to delve any deeper, I know for certain that I want little bun more than I've ever wanted anything else in the world. Little bun is currently the only 'project' in my life and he/she is the reason why I wake up every morning.

Growth Scan

2011-08-20T11:46:00.003+08:00

So happy and relieved that the results of little bun's growth scan are good i.e. all within the normal range. It's good to know that despite my lack of weight gain, little bun is growing normally. Dr Anu did tell me that little bun certainly will not be a big, chubby baby, but his/her size is definitely on target and she is happy with what the results. The level of my amniotic fluid is also in the 'average' range, and this really puts my mind at ease. I couldn't ask for anything better.

For the first time, we also discussed something that was somewhat of a taboo subject previously as we were both afraid of jinxing things, i.e. little bun's due date. Realistically, I have always known deep in my heart that I will never be able to make it to full term at 40 weeks due to my complicated medical history. Dr Anu also shared with me that for women with gestational diabetes, she recommends to have the baby delievered at 38 weeks at the very latest (assuming if I can even make it that far). Ok.. 38 weeks or 40 weeks make no difference to me at all as long as little bun is fine (frankly, I'd be soooo thankful if little bun and I can even make it safely to 36 weeks).

There's still a pretty long way to go till I reach 38 weeks. The longer I can keep little bun in me, the shorter the time little bun will have to spend in NICU and there'd be a very good chance that he/she will have lesser/no health complications.

2011-08-19T22:58:00.001+08:00

Today is my mom's birthday and yet I wasn't able to take her out for a nice dinner or even able to give her a card like how I have always done in previous years. I cannot remember not giving my mom a birthday card in my entire life, so this year is certainly a first. I didn't expect that I'd be restricted to bed rest so suddenly, hence didn't have a chance to go out and get a card beforehand. Oh well, I hope that I'd be able to give her a healthy grandchild as a 'belated' birthday present and that this 'gift' will be enough to make up for things.

2011-08-18T09:35:00.003+08:00

Mark had been nursing a cold for the past 5 days, but because of a hectic work schedule, he hasn't been able to go to a doctor. Finally this morning, he couldn't take the sniffling and coughing any longer and went to the clinic. Rather glad that I have him home with me today :)

For the past 3 weeks, my mom and an aunt have been coming over daily to take care of me, bring me food and ensure that I don't do anything 'funny' (i.e. walk around or do housework) while Mark is at work. While I feel bad troubling them, at the same time I am so glad to have them come by tirelessly everyday because not only do they take care of my meals, but they also help out with some of the housework. I think Hershey is happy for the additional company too!!

My mom will accompany me for my check-up tomorrow since Mark will be at work. I am usually nervous before my weekly check-ups, but this time, I am even more nervy than usual. Really hope the results of little bun's growth scan will turn out fine. Despite Dr Anu's reassurances, I am still rather bothered by my lack of weight gain. For at least 6 weeks now, my weight has remained the same at 61kg, meaning I have only gained no more than 5kg throughout the pregnancy so far. While my belly is visible, it is still very compact. The average pregnancy weight gain should range between 10kg to 16kg, and I am not even at the halfway point!!

Hmmm... I hope it's just me being the worry wart that I am and worrying unnecessarily. Please let little bun be thriving well inside my tummy.

2011-08-16T14:44:00.008+08:00

Wish I have better news to share, but sadly not. I am fast becoming a pin cushion... this morning's appointment with the doctor at the Diabetic Clinic didn't go too well. Not that I am surprised cos since I have been monitoring my blood glucose level (BGL) at home, I can see a certain trending that's taking place. I notice that my BGL readings in the mornings have been slowly increasing... Initially it started off with a decent 4.8 to 5.1 kind of reading, which is well below the acceptable level of 5.5 (before meals), but in recent weeks, it's gone up to between 5.4 to 5.9 even though I haven't drank/eaten anything throughout the night. The doctor says that it could be a sign that my body is not breaking down glucose properly without the help of medication, hence the decision was made for me to start insulin injections every morning.

As the readings at the other times of the day are still within the acceptable threshold, I just have to continue with the oral medication. However, if they too show signs of increasing, then insulin would be necessary 3 times daily instead of just once. I am determined to keep it down as much as I possibly can because I am appalled/terrified at the thought of having to self-administer the injections! At least for now, I can get Mark to give me the injection before he leaves for work in the morning. I really don't see how he can come home everyday during lunch hour to help me with the injections should the need arise **knock on wood**.

Despite this little setback, I am still keeping my chin up. I will do anything for little bun's well-being, so as long as he/she is fine, I will grit my teeth and bear with it. All little bun and I need are a few more precious weeks before we reach the home run stretch where little bun will be 'safe'. I am keeping the faith...

~There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream~ Author Unknown

2011-08-15T18:26:00.002+08:00

Saw an advertisement on the television last night that the hospital that I go to is conducting a seminar - 'Happy Mommy Healthy Baby' on 03rd Sep. Dr Anu will be hosting a segment - Hope for a New Life: Understanding Fertility, High Risk Pregnancies and Miscarriages. Little wonder I fall into her care since I (unfortunately) fit nicely into all 3 categories...

Even my heartthrob (aka Dr T) is hosting a segment!!! Since the seminar isn't expensive at all, I asked Mark if he is keen on attending (ok, admittedly, I conveniently ignored the fact that I am not supposed to be going out of my house and am supposed to be on bedrest). I guess Mark saw through my hidden intention from the start and turned me down upfront. I wasn't even given a chance to try and convince him.. **sigh**.

2011-08-13T18:01:00.002+08:00

Little bun and I had our little 'date' yesterday! So happy to be able to see him/her again on the ultrasound monitor. It's been a long 2 weeks since I last saw little bun cos during the period when I was hospitalised, all I got was to listen to little bun's heartbeat. I was actually strapped on to this heart monitor which monitors little bun's heartbeat for the entire time after my surgery, and I was very comforted in knowing that my baby's heart is thumping away strongly. Mark didn't stay over with me on that first night, so that night was the special time for little bun and I!!

They measured my cervix (again) yesterday and it was at a decent 3.3cm. The last time they measured it was right before they put in the stitch for me on 02 Aug. According to Dr Anu, it had by then gone down to a dangerous 1.5cm! Therefore it's a good thing Dr Anu made the timely decision for the cervical cerclage because if we had waited any longer, it'd have shortened further and putting in a stitch would have been impossible.

Next week Dr Anu booked me in for a 'growth scan' for little bun. Not quite sure what it entails, but can only pray again for the best that little bun's growth and development remains on track despite my lack of weight gain (yup.. still not gaining weight!!!).

2011-08-11T18:22:00.004+08:00

I am turning into a 'drug addict'... It's getting rather hard to keep track of the amount of medicine I have to take daily. Previously I always make sure I find out the purpose of each kind of medicine I pop into my mouth, but with the recent surgery and hospital stay, the amount of medicine have increased twofold and I have since given up trying to find out the purpose of each one.

My daily 'breakfast'...

2011-08-08T19:52:00.004+08:00

This is (sorta) my birthday gift this year --- Anti Embolism Stockings (also called Compression Stockings). Since I am told that I have to be on complete bed rest and plus the fact that I have Thrombophilia, the stockings will help to prevent Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT). Moreover, the risk of DVT is further increased during pregnancy, so I guess in my case, the risk is even higher.

Although I was told to wear the stockings at all times, it is really tough in this 35 degree celsius weather. The heat... the humidity... ohhh and the itch!! I am only wearing them at night when I have the air-conditioner on cos at least the coolness makes it more bearable. The stockings are really tight and someone (who else but Mark) has to wear and remove them for me. Usually he ends up in a sweat after helping me put them on.

I was 'admiring' my legs in this photo cos I thought they look quite slender... yup, I am really THAT bored. It reminded me of Dr Anu's comment about my legs while I was still lying on the hospital bed. She commented that my arms and legs are really slim, and before I could even begin to feel flattered, she added 'this is a classic PCOS symptom'. Sigh...

Cervical Cerclage

2011-08-07T18:48:00.003+08:00

It's finally home sweet home on Friday... instead of the inital 2 night stay, Dr Anu decided to keep me in hospital for an extra night so that they can observe me. Hence, I spent a total of 3 nights in hospital. Thankfully I had a private room so Mark was able to stay overnight with me. Getting a proper night of sleep is rather impossible during those 3 nights in hospital because throughout the night, the nurses would be coming to check on my temperature, blood pressure, little bun's heart rate and/or give me my medication.

According to Dr Anu, the surgery went smoothly. The after effects that I suffered from post surgery was a bad case of sore throat (from the insertion of the breathing tube down my throat while I was under GA for the duration of the surgery), uterine cramping (which is to be expected after such a procedure), horrid headache (side effect of the medication that was given to me to control the uterine cramps), nausea... Ummm, yup, I think that's about all.

I was most nervous about the cramps because it could've triggered premature labour, and it also reminded me so much of the labour pains I went through when I delivered Chloe. I tried to downplay the magnitude of the pain so that I wouldn't worry Mark too much (according to Dr Anu, she whispered to me that 'Mark looks rather shaken'), so I didn't want to add on to his stress. Thankfully with the help of the constant dose of drugs for the inital 36 hour period, the cramps eventually subsided (though I am still continuing to take them as a preventive measure).

There was an incident that really touched me a whole lot. It reaffirmed once again how blessed I am to have a partner like Mark by my side. The drugs that I took gave me a massive headache and terrible nausea.. I was trying to hold my dinner down when they decided to defy gravity and all of it came back up. There was no way I could get out of bed to go to the bathroom since it was only hours after the surgery, so Mark grabbed a dish that was provided (for this purpose I reckon??) and held it for me while I regurgitated my dinner. Unfortunately, the dish was ummm... too small (or my dinner was too big?) and some of it spilled over. I created a gross, revolting mess and some of it even landed on Mark. He just held onto the dish stoically without fliching and comforted me while I continued to contribute to the mess. Even after the nurse and cleaner came in to help out, Mark was the one cleaning me up. Frankly I don't know what I'd have done if I were in Mark's shoes cos vomit (whether it belongs to me or another person) and me don't go very well together (the same goes with blood). I'd have expected Mark to 'flee the scene' and call for the nurses.

I think I can safely say that by now, Mark has seen the most beautiful as well as the ugliest side of me.. I am sure a woman who is vomiting and writhing in pain at the same time with a red face and tears rolling down her cheeks is not a glorious sight to behold.

So glad to be home, and even more glad that the surgery went smoothly. Every extra day that little bun stays inside me is so crucial... as Dr Anu puts it, every extra day that little bun remains in my womb is one day less in the Neonatal ICU. I have been spending 95% of my time lying in bed and only getting up for meals, toilet breaks and shower. Mark has been extremely strict in ensuring that I behave and follow the rules. This is how I will be spending the next few weeks... the television and internet will be my constant companion.

2011-08-01T10:58:00.003+08:00

As little bun continues to grow inside of me, his/her movements are getting increasingly noticeable and frequent. A lot of times when I am lying in bed, I will nudge my tummy a little and there'd be a 'reaction' from little bun in the form of a gentle tap back or even a major movement. Sometimes I'd even get to see the movements/twitching on my tummy! These are moments that are so extra special. I guess one could call it one of the earliest forms of bonding happening between mother and baby, even before the baby is born. It is truly a wonderous feeling and I can't even put into words how it makes me feel.. kind of like amazement, wonder, happiness, etc all rolled into one. Well, maybe there's just one word to describe this feeling --- Mom.

I want to continue enjoying this feeling for as long as I possibly can... I want to continue to feel my little bun growing and moving inside me for as long as possible... Mark and I will do all it takes to keep this baby.

The nurse just called and I will have to be at the hospital at 7am tomorrow. As I'd have to go under general anesthesia for the surgery, I'd have to start fasting from 12 midnight. No food is fine, but no water is going to be rather challenging considering how much I drink. Oh well...

I haven't used this idiom in a very long time cos I think it sounds very vulgar and uncouth, but I can't think of anything else that is more appropriate at this time - I think I am going to shit bricks!!!!

2011-08-01T10:37:00.003+08:00

I told Mark that my very first birthday was spent in a hospital 34 years ago... 34 years later, I will again be spending my birthday in the hospital (albeit a different one)!! Should I laugh or cry about it? Anyway, I think I find it more 'amusing' than anything cos my birthdays don't mean very much to me anymore ever since the year I lost Lucas. I have learnt that there's a lot more to life and that the other 364 days are just as worth treasuring as the one day which is my birthday.

For my birthday this year, Mark's 'present' to me will be a 2 night stay at a private ward in the hospital. I was actually contemplating a 4-bedded ward in order to cut expenses, but frankly, I am not looking forward to reliving the memory of sharing a room with other women who are due to give birth or recently given birth... above all, listening to the cries of newborn babies. It is just a bit too much to deal with on top of all my anxieties and emotional baggage. Also, if I had opted for a shared ward, Mark won't be allowed to stay with me overnight.

I am still worried silly by what will potentially happen tomorrow during the surgery and more importantly, thereafter. With my luck, anything can happen.. Geez, just why can't I be a 'normal' person for once? Just once??!!!! In recent weeks, many of Mark's friends have been popping babies. They make things seem sooooo incredibly easy... perhaps it IS indeed very easy, just that the problem lies with ME!

Nervously counting down the hours... the next few days will be a trial and I need all the good wishes and prayers I can get. Praying hard that there won't be any adverse effects from the surgery and that little bun and I will come out of it triumphant at the end of it all. 4 more weeks is all I am asking for... please just let me remain pregnant for at least another 4 precious weeks!!!!! Yes, this is the voice of acute desperation and a healthy dose of pleading.

Cervical Cerclage

2011-07-30T20:17:00.001+08:00

I didn't get the good news that I was hoping for yesterday and have been feeling extremely bothered and worried sick ever since. The length of my cervix had shortened further from last week. It was 3.3cm last week and when we measured it yesterday, it was only 2.7cm... Thank goodness it is still closed and there are no signs of funneling. At 2.7cm, it is getting too close to the 'danger' level of 2.5cm, hence Dr Anu made the decision to put in an emergency cerlage for me next week. The earliest slot that she managed to get the operating theatre is on Tue, 02 Aug and I'd need to stay warded for a couple of days after the surgery so that they can monitor my condition.

Initially when Dr Anu first brought up the subject of putting in a cervical cerclage for me in April, I was so glad when we decided to adopt the 'wait and see' approach cos my cervical length had been at a healthy 4.5cm for many weeks. Unfortunately it didn't stay that way and now it seems very necessary to have the stitch put in. Although I am extremely concerned about the possible risks involved (ranging from premature labour to premature rupture of membranes to infection of the cervix, etc), Dr Anu's advice is that at the rate my cervix is shortening, it's just a matter of time before history repeats itself like in the case of Chloe.

It seems like Mark and I really aren't left with any other options... we are caught in a tight spot between a rock and a hard place. It is a risk that we have to take and then pray really hard for the best outcome. I just can't believe how close I am now to reaching the 'safety zone' and then this has to happen... I only need another 4 to 6 weeks for little bun to remain inside me!!!! It is so damn frustrating!!!! Anyway, all there is left to do now is keep our fingers crossed and pray that the surgery will go smoothly; that there won't be any adverse effects; that the stitch will help to keep my cervix intact and keep little bun in me for a long time more.

*** Dear God, please watch over little bun and I during this trying period and may you keep us under your watchful care for the next couple of weeks.***

2011-07-29T12:22:00.003+08:00

I wonder what today's checkup and scan will bring... I hope there will be good news about my cervical length, or at the very least, that there won't be any bad news. At the very least, I am hoping that its length remained the same as last week and hasn't shortened any further. I had a brief discussion on this topic with my haematologist when I saw her on Tuesday, and basically this is what she recommended:

Not to lift or carry anything heavy
Not to exert myself when in the toilet (I guess she means poo-pooing)
To try and sit/lie down when sneezing
Avoid squatting
Bed rest as much as possible

That scary, mixed feeling is back again... it is the feeling of excitement in seeing little bun versus the fear of not knowing if everything will continue to be alright. ***fingers crossed***

2011-07-28T12:25:00.001+08:00

I chanced upon the following products by Clarins, which came highly recommended in a forum by women who are currently in the final leg of their pregnancies or recently given birth. Admittedly, while I have definitely used some products by Clarins on and off, I have never heard of these products before since I have mostly been using Clinique products through the years.

The 2 products which caught my interest are the 'Stretch Mark Control' and 'Body Treatment Oil', that would aid in prevention of formation of stretch marks which may or may not be caused by pregnancies. From the description of the products, their end purpose seem rather simiilar, just that one is cream-based while the other is oil-based. I think I'm more inclined on the cream-based product even though the oil-based one may be more effective cos #1) I'd think the cream-based one will be cheaper #2) I don't quite fancy the oily feeling on my body and my clothes sticking to my belly... (hmmm.. I wonder if my clothes would ignite if I stand too near the stove while making dinner?? Ok, that's a bad thought!!).

To be honest, so far little bun's been extremely kind to mummy because I have **knocking hard on wood** no signs of stretch marks YET. I recall that even at around 20weeks when I was expecting Chloe, I started getting stretch marks started at both sides of my belly and it was itching like crazy, especially in the night. I am guessing it could be because I have not put on a lot of weight this time, hence my belly hasn't started stretching too much yet... Or perhaps since my belly had already been stretched before (i.e. you know how new rubber bands are like; taunt and unyeilding), it is coping better now that it has lost its elasticity (think of a used rubber band).

** Dear hubby, since you have been fretting over what to get for me for my birthday, which incidentally happens to be next week, how about this?? I am sure this will come in handy soon. Moreover, I think this is more practical than any handbags/ shoes/ wallets at this stage, don't you think? :) **

Naturally, as any good woman would do during shopping trips (albeit online ones), my eyes strayed and I came across the below product. It is a **ahemmm** 'Bust Firming Lotion' (I swear this product was listed under the section for 'pregnancy'). The description indicates that this product 'noticebly strengthens the bust with a tautening and toning action' (WOW). Hmmm... am I right in guessing that after pregnancy/breastfeeding, a woman's bust is expected to travel down south and hence this product would come in to save the day?

Well, jokes aside, I would embrace all stretch marks as long as little bun is alive and healthy, and of course the most importantly, delivered as close to full term as possible. I wouldn't mind at all if my boobs decide to travel south so long as I get to hold my baby in my arms and watch him/her grow up.

2011-07-27T13:04:00.002+08:00

I think I could've/must've somehow twisted my right wrist though I am not really sure what I did to cause it cos I only started feeling the pain I woke up one morning. It's been bothering me for over a week now and the pain seems to be getting worse, especially in the mornings when I feel like I have got a 'locked wrist'. It is making it rather difficult for me to tie up my hair or do simple household chores like wringing a wet wash cloth or filling up the kettle.

I have been using my 'Deep Heat' rub but it doesn't seem to be working... it only gives me temporary relief and the pain returns once the ointment wears off. Yes, first I have got pain in my left foot, followed by weeks of numbness... now I have got a twisted right wrist!! I don't know and don't think this has got anything to do with my pregnancy, but when I complained to Mark about my sore wrist, his reply to me was 'Are you complaining?'. I am not complaining, just whining for a little bit of attention and some TLC from my husband, who seems to be too busy with work lately to give me some quality time. (I think even Hershey is feeling neglected by her 'alpha male').

IVIG (#5)

2011-07-26T16:04:00.002+08:00

I just got home after my IVIG session #5... I am afraid I don't quite understand how one can feel so worn out just by lying there for over 4 hours, but yes, it does happen and it is happening to me. Feel like I have just completed a marathon... possibly a triathalon even.

They 'stole' 5 big vials of my blood today prior to the infusion and if the results of the blood work is good, then this could very well be my fifth and final IVIG!! Hip Hip Hooraaaay.... I am trying to keep my happiness in check before I allow myself to do the happy dance cos it all still depends on how the my blood test results turn out. It'd be REALLY great if this is indeed my last IVIG infusion... Frankly, the monthly bill that I have chalked up on this treatment is astronomical.

I may have been worried that I am not gaining much weight, but I just realized that this is a 'blessing in disguise' in some way cos the cost of each IVIG dosage is dependent on my weight, i.e. the more weight I put on, the more medication is required, hence the higher the cost. Since the amount of weight I put on thus far isn't much, the cost of each infusion had remained fairly much the same from start.

2011-07-23T20:21:00.003+08:00

The checkup didn't go as well as I'd have wanted it to. Over the course of the week, the length of my cervix had shortened by over 1cm. While 1cm may seem insignificant, it represents 24%. Just a week ago, it was around 4.3cm.. this week it only measure in at around 3.3cm. Ideally, anything over 2.5cm is still acceptable, but since little bun is still quite a long way off from being full term, I'd really have preferred if the length remained above 4cm for as long as possible (usually if the cervix gets too short, it is an indication of pre-term labour).

Dr Anu didn't seem overly worried at this stage but said that we'd have to continue to closely monitor the length for any signs of further (God forbid!!) shortening. The length of the cervix may 'fluctuate' during pregnancy, so there's still hope that it'd maintain at the current lenth or hopefully lengthen until little bun reaches full term.

I have been reading up on this topic (naturally!!) and seems like the only thing which may help is bedrest This is more of a common sense thing than a medical thing cos lying down alleviates gravitational pressure from the cervix. While I have not reached the 'critical' stage and the doctor hasn't ordered strict bedrest for me, I am determined to spend the whole of next week in bed as much as possible. Hopefully when time comes for the scan next Friday, the length will maintain/improve.

That said, little bun's development is thankfully still on track. I got a lovely scanned picture of his/her left profile and in my own very biased opinion, my baby is so cute!!! From the picture, I can confirm now that little bun definitely has Mark's nose, this was concurred by Dr Anu and her nurse (it's a good thing cos Mark's nose has a higher bridge than mine).

For now, I am still working hard to keep the faith and pray for the best. Please, please, please let things go smoothly.

2011-07-22T13:03:00.003+08:00

Finally Dr Anu is back from her vacation!!! I can't wait for my appointment with her (and little bun) later... somehow I feel comforted in knowing that she's back and will be 'looking after' me and little bun again. **whew**

I am due for my 5th dosage of IVIG next Tuesday... it almost slipped my mind, if not for the SMS reminder from the hospital this morning. Can't believe that a month had passed since my last IVIG... I guess it is a good thing that time is passing quickly and without incident, there's nothing more I can possibly ask for. My 6th and final IVIG will be in late August and after that, I think little bun will pass the 'safety hurdle' that both Dr Anu and I are aiming for.

It'd be good to finally be able to breathe a small sigh of relief at that stage, but I don't think I will be able to rest easy until I am holding a healthy and brawling little bun in my arms.

Where flowers bloom so does hope...

2011-07-21T12:16:00.003+08:00

I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw the flowers blooming from my barely alive potted palm!! We bought this plant when we first moved in 3 years ago. At that time, the plant , a yellow palm, was robust looking and over 2 metres tall. Through the years, it's been reduced to only half its height and most of the leaves have been 'fried' by the direct sunlight that shines onto the balcony of my master-bedroom every morning.

Although I have been dutifully watering it daily, its condition hasn't improved much, but neither has it deteriorated... hence I didn't have any excuse to dump it since it was still surviving. What a pleasant surprise it gave me the other morning when I saw the small, purple-hued blooms! (Actually I didn't even know that these type of plants can have flowers...) The blooms have been there for over a week already and it cheers me up everytime I look out my bedroom.. the pretty speckle of purple nestling amongst the greens (and browns).

I have never had much success with plants.. I didn't inherited my mom's green fingers unfortunately. This tiny blossom is my first 'success' ever. Hope that it is a good sign of the things to come.

"Where flowers bloom so does hope"

2011-07-20T12:59:00.002+08:00

We finally broke THE news to my parents on Mark's birthday. It was unplanned... I received an SMS from my mom in the morning asking if I was alright and why haven't I gone home for such a long time. I felt bad for making her worry and for having kept something so important from them. After discussing with Mark, we decided to pop over to my parents place to break the news to them because we have run out of excuses and my little bump is becoming rather obvious.

Mark left me to the task while he 'escaped' to another corner of the house (Thanks, honey!).

I think my mom had been suspecting all these while, so she wasn't overly surprised when I told her 'Ma, I'm pregnant'. Her first reaction was a grin, followed by 'Why don't you tell me only when you are due?'. Then it was followed by a torrent of questions - 'How many weeks?', 'When is the baby due?', 'Do you know the gender?', 'Are your checkups ok?', etc. The interrogation session was then followed by a list of 'Do's and Don'ts' i.e. Do drink more milk, do rest more, do eat more nutritious food, do not lift heavy things, do not walk/ go out too much, etc... Admittedly, it feels good to be fussed over! I was grilled for quite a while and I am still getting questions via SMS!!

I can't hope and pray enough that I will not disappoint my parents this time... I have already given them false hopes the past 3 times so I really hope this time will the time where they get to hold their first grandchild. It's really about time that I stop disappointing my parents and bring some much needed and long awaited joy into their lives.

2011-07-19T13:26:00.001+08:00

I presented these 2 envelopes to Mark yesterday as part of his birthday present. I have prepared this 'present' over 3 weeks ago when the scan revealed little bun's gender. On the day before the scan, I prepared 2 cards, a light pink one with the word 'GIRL' and a pale blue one with the word 'BOY'. During the scan, I requested the sonographer not to tell me the gender, but to put the corresponding card into the black envelope (I chose black cos it is impossible to see through it and thus prevent any chance of me trying to steal a peek to confirm my guess!!). The remaining card was placed into the red envelope. I have kept these 2 envelopes in my drawer and have resisted the urge to steal a peek... pretty darn proud of myself!!

I told Mark that the choice to look or not look was entirely his. After a brief moment of contemplation, he decided to stick to his initial decision to keep it unknown for now (or until he cannot withstand the suspense any longer).

2011-07-18T08:42:00.002+08:00

To My Darling Hubby,

Today is a very special day... it is the day that my best friend was born. My best friend who also happens to be my husband, my love and my better half. You are the only one who can make me laugh out of a bad mood, who can melt my heart with just one kiss, who stands by me through thick and thin and the one who makes me a better person. No matter what gift I give to you today, I can never match up to what was given to me in the form of you.

I hope that I will be the lucky girl who will walk hand in hand with you even after our hair turns silver. I don't know how this is even possible, but I love you more and more with every passing year. What I have in you is what every girl in the world is searching for.

Happy Birthday, Darling... May there only be joyful tears in your life from this moment on.

With Love,

Your Wifey

**************************

Your Angels in heaven want you to know that you are the best daddy they can ever hope for, and that they will be watching over you, protecting you and loving you from where they are in heaven.

Happy Birthday, Daddy Dearest...

2011-07-15T12:50:00.003+08:00

I only got to see the top of little bun's head during the checkup yesterday when the sonographer was scanning for the length of my cervix and little bun's head was just lying right on top of my cervix. The new replacement doctor didn't do any ultrasound like what Dr Anu would usually do... she only used a fetal doppler to listen to little bun's heartbeat. So happy and relieved to hear the strong, rhythmic beating of little bun's heart.

I also took the opportunity to check with the doctor about my weight gain... I've only put on 4kg so far, and this is a whole 2.5kg lesser than when I was carrying Chloe at the same gestational period. According to the internet, I should have put on around 5.5kg-6kg. Anyway, the doctor didn't seem overly concerned and assured me that most of the weight gain will come on quickly during the last trimester. I sure hope so... I really hope that I am not depriving little bun of any nutrients during this very important stage of his/her growth. Even Mark noticed that for this pregnancy, there is hardly any signs of weight gain on the rest of my body, other than my tummy. During Chloe's time, my weight gain was very visible on my face and arms.

As little bun continues to grow , he/she is taking up more space inside me. I think my uterus is now lying partially on my bladder, which gives me an urge to pee even if I have just emptied my bladder. This is made worse especially if I am standing or walking... I lost count of the number of times I visited the washroom while I was out yesterday!!

2011-07-14T12:03:00.001+08:00

Going off soon for my appointment with little bun!! I hope he/she has grown since last week cos my weight had remained strangely constant for the past 1 month. Little bun weighed slightly over 400g when I did my scan 2 weeks ago, and accordin to literature that I have read on the internet, he/she should be putting on between 70g-100g each week. This means that little bun should be weighing around 550g now. Can't believe how light that is... like a large mango.. or umm.. 5 packets of the 100g salted plums that I have been eating.

I came across this information on the internet - At this present stage where I am in, there is only a small chance that little bun can survive outside my womb. For the next 4 weeks, every additional day that little bun remains in my womb increases his/her survival rate by approximately 3%. After that, the survival rate jumps to 80-90 percent. THAT is exactly what I am going to aim for.. and anything more than that will be a true blessing.

Apparently many other factors can affect the chances of a baby's survival in the event of a premature (God, I truly hate this word!!) birth. If membranes (aka waterbag) rupture prior to 24 weeks, the baby has less of a chance than if the membranes stay intact (due to the likelihood of infection). (Sigh... this is exactly what happened with poor, sweet Chloe... she wasn't even given the chance to fight for her life because my waterbag broke at exactly 24 weeks when I was pregnant with her. To be able to reach and successfully pass the 24 weeks mark is going to be a true milestone for me.)

Begging for additional strength, conviction and faith to see little bun and I sail uneventfully through the days till the end of August.